Author Archives: Alan Ilagan

Follow My Naked Ass

With the drama of FaceBook and the Trump Trolls of Twitter, my interest and allegiance is slowly but deliberately shifting to Instagram for a social media fix. It’s a relatively drama-free space, and I’ve kept it as such by limiting those I follow to the ones who bring me joy and happiness in what they post. (If I wasn’t me, I’d probably not be following my account because I’m annoying as fuck. But, sigh, I am me and there’s no way out of it now.) As you can see from the “Best Nine” compilations from the last two years, my most popular posts are when I turn around and expose my naked ass. Hey, give ’em what they want. And then in between my ass I sneak in food and flower shots. (Well, not literally as that would get too messy, butt I digress…)

I don’t make New Year’s resolutions for the most part, and certainly nothing very concrete, but I do hope to spend less time on FaceBook and Twitter, and more on Instagram in 2017. You should too. It’s just more fun, and we need more fun this year.

@alanilagan ~ Instagram

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Baby New Year Gets Recapped

It seems like lately the only thing we’ve done around here is recap the end of the world. Part One, Part Two, Part Three, and Part Four to be exact. Putting 2016 to bed was like getting my nephew to go to bed before 11 PM, but it’s finally been done, and we are free to move on… just as soon as we look back at the last week of the year. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

A union suit to stave off the chill.

Art Sex Life.

A dead ape dumped on a shelf.

Christmas Eve.

Christmas Day.

Everything’s as if we never said good-bye.

Chris Pratt got naked.

We begin in stillness and silence.

My stats.

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Stats

The only thing I remember about a summer Statistics course that Suzie and I took at the local community college was the night I wore underwear to class (a tank top and boxers) and the time she kicked over a can of soda. I giggled because of the first, and nearly got kicked out of class for laughing so hard over the second. These are a different sort of stats – the traffic of my little website.

I don’t get a huge number of visits or hits like some major sites, but I like my visitors a little better. (Yes, I’m talking to you.) Anyway, in the age of transparency, I offer this glimpse behind the scenes of ALANILAGAN.com – and I thank you for being part of this motley crew.

Month Unique visitors Number of visits Pages Hits Bandwidth
Jan 2016 79,734 121,188 269,249 13,427,648 1662.33 GB
Feb 2016 73,900 109,973 239,616 11,646,515 1536.81 GB
Mar 2016 62,785 100,810 207,366 10,164,024 1330.82 GB
Apr 2016 64,658 100,553 209,539 10,758,572 1516.65 GB
May 2016 80,939 125,536 293,235 14,586,699 1953.64 GB
Jun 2016 66,515 107,304 236,236 10,528,300 1448.46 GB
Jul 2016 68,949 110,017 262,416 11,898,633 1569.17 GB
Aug 2016 114,090 167,470 378,849 20,057,107 2622.64 GB
Sep 2016 66,257 109,808 235,201 10,397,777 1236.38 GB
Oct 2016 63,083 107,103 268,167 10,356,586 1337.73 GB
Nov 2016 69,410 116,710 262,954 11,346,817 1512.54 GB
Dec 2016 73,762 122,425 270,562 10,473,178 1403.05 GB
Total 884,082 1,398,897 3,133,390 145,641,856 19130.21 GB
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Starting in Silence

We begin again in a moment of peace.

A candle sends its flickering light over the dim early morning of a brand new calendar year.

It moves in silence, now and then bending and emitting a little plume of dark smoke.

The house wakes slowly, in shades of gray and black.

Gradually, colors begin to discern themselves, starting with the plants by the window – the unwieldy straps of paperwhite narcissus, the delicate fronds of a squirrel’s foot fern, and bulbous stalks of an oncidium orchid – each carrying a different shade of green.

The difference between two calendar years is but a day.

There is no reason to believe that 2017 will be any less dark than 2016, and in some ways it begins in much dimmer fashion. To counter that, and to bring my own peace of mind and creative contentment about, I will attempt to keep this a place of tranquility and beauty, an oasis of calm in a world of discontent. It won’t be easy, and there will surely be fiery posts and angry diatribes to accent it all, but I’m hopeful this will remain a cozy nook of the internet untouched by fake news and silly trolls.

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2016: The Wretched Year in Review ~ Part 4

We have finally reached the very end of the Year that was 2016. It took David Bowie. It took Prince. It took Alan Fucking Thicke. More disturbingly, it put Donald Fucking Trump in charge. How much more can we take? Let’s look back, for the last time, and see what was have seen. If I rush a bit and make this one a little leaner, you’ll understand why. And if you want more, check out Part One, Part Two and Part Three. There’s more than enough 2016 in there.

October 2016:

The Delusional Grandeur Tour was almost done, when circumstances and excitement beyond my control stepped in and extended it for a few more months. That didn’t stop the final section of the Tour Book from being revealed: Flower Bomb Balm ~ Part One and Part Two.

November 2016:

What can be said of November? The less the better. Ever one of the more wretched maths of the year, when the last of the leaves are torn from their branches, the earth is left brown and gray, and no good ever came of such a month.

December 2016:

We have arrived at last – the last month of this annus horribilis – and let’s just throw the baby out with the bath water and be done with it.

 

So… who wants to go back to 2015? Let’s do it! Part One, Part Two and Part Three.

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2016: The Wretched Year in Review ~ Part 3

Summer bloomed, and the sunny, steamy stretch of months that stretched out allowed for some tranquility and peace: the relaxed hazy state of heat and poolside fun. This summer was a state of suspended emotion, some good and some bad, all of it portending the fall that would inevitably follow. We embraced the sunshine as much as we could.

July 2016:

The Samsara Healing Water portion of The Delusional Grandeur Tour Book continued with Part ThreePart Four and Part Five.

Summer has always meant family gatherings by the pool, and the Ilagan twins continued that time-honored tradition.

The Delusional Grandeur Tour headed into its final (or so we thought) stretch, with the posting of the Spring Thaw Salvation segment ~ Part One and Part Two.

August 2016:

By far the biggest month this little website has ever had, August brought us an Olympic-sized bump (thanks to the Summer Olympic Games) resulting in 20 million hits for that month alone. This sort of thing only happens once every four years (but we’ll try to cut it down to two with the Winter Olympics). At any rate, there were a ton of shirtless and naked Olympians on display, so enjoy.

The Delusional Grandeur Tour continued the Spring Thaw Salvation ~ Part Three, Part Four and Part Five.

In honor of the Summer Olympics, the Olympic Spotlight was a new feature, showing off the talents of Adam Peaty, Race ImbodenMarcel NguyenMarcelo ChierighiniChad Le Clos, Ryan Held, Zac Efron look-alike Michael Hixon, Brinn BevanAmini Fonua, Matt Anderson, Joseph Schooling, Christoph Harding, Anthony ErvinDiego Hypolito, Eleftherios Petrounias, Kristian Ipsen, Marc Minguell, Kevin MayerPhilippe Gagne,

September 2016:

The month that summer officially retired, September carried its own beauty, as vestiges of the heat and sun remained. Too many people throw away this month away too soon, forgetting that there is more than back-to-school specials going on. There are pool days, beach days, sunny days, and summer days still to be had. We had them, and then some.

{One more post to come, and it’s one that closes out the year in dim winter fashion. Fall most definitely fell, and winter was not far behind. Summer always went too soon…}

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2016: The Wretched Year in Review ~ Part 2

If you’ve waded through Part One of this wretched exercise in looking back, bless your patient heart. Here we have Part Two of the Year in Review, when things turn to spring and ripen into summer. This was probably the best part of the year, as we all know how dark things got soon-after. In other words, enjoy this section while it lasts.

April 2016:

It begins, as tradition decrees, with full-frontal male nudity. Soon, we segue into The Delusional Grandeur Tour with the return of the warrior. Specifically, the Warrior Retribution section ~ Part One, Part Two, Part ThreePart FourPart Five, Part Six, Part Seven and Part Eight.

May 2016:

It is probably my favorite month of the year for many reasons, some of which will be seen here. The Delusional Grandeur Tour made a final twist into a prettier moment, which should see us through the end. It started with the Cologne Glamour Fashion segment, Part One, Part Two and Part Three.

June 2016:

Summer arrived with a happy flourish, as the remnants of May shone in all their pretty form. There were also some of my most beloved traditions that lined up for the glorious beginning of the month, including this Boston treat and my Broadway trip with Mom, documented in Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3. The Delusional Grandeur Tour got gussied up and continued on its merry way with the spiritual awakening of the Samsara Healing Water section ~ Part One and Part Two.

{The biggest month ALANILAGAN.com had ever seen was still to come… To Be Continued…}

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2016: The Wretched Year in Review ~ Part 1

Without fanfare or hype, without further ado or anticipation, let’s get this fucking year over. Mercury is still in retrograde, and we’ll enter the New Year with the same insanity with which we are leaving this one. I want to fast-forward, but first we have to put this ugly baby to bed. The annual look-back begins now…

January 2016:

It began with the purity and innocence of the paper white narcissus.

The Delusional Grandeur Tour continued, with the Steampunk Birdcage section: Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, and this bonus hat post.

February 2016:

The month of V-Day madness began with this delicious, relatively easy (not counting cooking time) version of Vietnamese pho. Such is the stuff of winter recipes and brewing soups.

My favorite section of The Delusional Grandeur Tour Book was posted: Red Riding Wood ~ Part One, Part Two, & Part Three.

March 2016:

It traditionally comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb, but climate change has fucked that up so it’s nothing but a crap-shoot now. The Delusional Grandeur Tour continued its Red Riding Wood segment, with Part Four and Part Five.

This first segment of the year in review closes with The Delusional Grandeur Tour‘s snowy section: Winter Top Hat ~ Part One and Part Two.

Stay tuned for Part Two… of freaking four!

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A Single Year in Four Posts

Tomorrow, and for the remainder of the year, we’ll be looking back at all that happened here in 2016. Personally, most of the people I know are quite ready to be done with the damn thing, and I’m in complete agreement. So many other years have been so much better, for so many reasons. Let’s look back over the last few year-end reviews that I’ve managed to recap previously, and see if you agree:

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Chris Pratt’s Naked Ass

Sneaking in one final bit of male nudity before the year is over, Christ Pratt delivers two butt-baring scenes in his new movie ‘Passengers’. It’s been a good year for naked male celebrities, and this one is a very happy addition. (Some others, not so much.) At any rate, check out Mr. Pratt’s first Hunk of the Day post, and prepare for his second as soon as the GIFs of these scenes arrive.

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As If We Never Said Goodbye

‘Sunset Boulevard’ is returning to Broadway this spring, with the same magnificent woman who originated the role of Norma Desmond in its American inception: Glenn Close. Twenty years ago, my Mom and I sat in the last row of the Minskoff Theatre and watched Ms. Close bring the mansion down in splendid fashion, and now we are set to return to the house on Sunset in the next year. (I’ve been holding off on posting anything, as the tickets were a surprise Christmas gift. We shall pair them with ‘War Paint’ on our annual Broadway trip in the spring.)

It is a fitting moment for a ‘Sunset’ post, as I usually put up a ‘Perfect Year’ homage for New Year’s Eve.  That scene remains my favorite in the musical version, for reasons already explained here. Yes, it’s the scene that keeps on giving, and I’ll always be touched by it. Even as my cynicism grows, and fewer and fewer people seem to get it, my heart still believes in that moment, in the moment of hopeful, wistful love. My head now knows better, but my heart still doesn’t. And I will never be sorry for that folly.

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From My Fam to Yours: Xmas Day

The day after Santa arrives is always a celebration, even if there’s the usual deflated expectations of hype and hoopla. This time around there was nothing but smiles, and a rambunctious crew ready to run wild until someone busted a lip open. Such is the excitement of Christmas Day, and the perils of a game of chase.

We’ve come a long way from the days of prim and proper behavior, of dressing up and settling formally into a church pew. I never thought I’d miss that, but part of me does.

Still, there is nothing that can dim the magic of Christmas, especially when you learn to embrace family and friends more than you do throughout the rest of the year. That’s the lesson I’ll try to remember as we begin the long trudge through winter darkness.

 

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From My Fam to Yours: Xmas Eve

Welcome to the Ilagan Christmas Eve Spectacular!

We have dancing girls!

We have dancing boys!

We have the anticipation of Santa’s arrival, coupled with a fancy surf and turf dinner!

Best of all, we have family!

I got all my sisters with me! (Which are none.)

I don’t know if I get more joy watching the twins open up their presents, or my parents open theirs.

That’s what Christmas Eve is all about.

Hope yours was as lovable as mine.

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The Great Grandson of King Kong

“If you need any help with the coffin, call me.”

Thus spoke the scary butler guy in white gloves as the gloomy mansion spread its dark wings around Joe Gillis for the first time. He had just entered the dim expanse of Norma Desmond’s lair, the surroundings that had haunted and imprisoned her since losing her stardom and fame a couple of decades ago. Shades of Miss Havisham inhabited the place, and a dusty dryness left everything feeling a bit brittle and broken. He expected to find doll limbs or the remnants of tattered crinoline on the closet floors. Instead, a newly-dead monkey lay on macabre display – a monkey that the doyenne of the establishment was clearly upset about.

She set about planning its funeral, plotting what color the coffin lining should be: “Bright flaming red, let’s make it gay!” but her grief, even over a monkey, was palpable. Gillis sensed it had been her only friend. There was an unspeakable tragedy in that, a loneliness that public adoration, especially in its fleeting, temporal form, could never combat.

“Any laws against burying him in the garden?” ~ Norma Desmond

In the movie version of ‘Sunset Boulevard’, the scene is harsher, less sympathetic. Billy Wilder’s acerbic cynicism overrode any vulnerability, the comic relief played in uncomfortable silence. The musical gives Norma a bit more heart. She weeps openly over her lost friend. She sings a song of Surrender. She uses her sunglasses, even in the darkness of the mansion, to hide swollen, wet eyes. It is but a moment.

The survivors – and despite some of her efforts Norma Desmond is a survivor – always get over their pain. Whether they bury it or display it, crumble under it or rally around it, they take their pain and transform it into something that serves their purposes. Sometimes the goal is merely to live for another day.

Though she may have survived, she never thrived. The declining years of fading celebrity must feel like a ghostly winter that never ends. Still, the heart beats, and the heart wants, and the heart carries the only thing that can truly hurt itself: hope.

“And then there was something else: the chimp’s last rites, as if she were laying a child to rest. Was her life really as empty as that?” ~ Joe Gillis

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“ART SEX LIFE” by Ismael Alvarez

Spanish artist Ismael Alvarez has been featured here before, as a Hunk of the Day, but now he gets a more meaningful profile as he launches his latest work, “Art Sex Life” – a brilliant collection of his artistic work that captures the stunning and colorful work that he’s been generating for his entire life. It’s as much a culmination of his output as it is a promise for greater things to come. Alvarez continues to craft pieces of perfect pop-culture resonance and relevance, celebrating the erotic and challenging the notion of the pornographic.

The heads of pop icons like Frida Kahlo and Hello Kitty find themselves on colorfully animated male bodies, jarring and comical and giddily pulling from radical sources of inspiration. Alvarez himself provides ample full-frontal artistry in poses of supreme control and devastating vulnerability. His gaze is alternately intense and removed, sometimes quite literally so. It’s a delicious tension that manages to sustain itself through the complete collection, never finding reconciliation, but always leaving a little want, a hint of desire.

The book is a hefty 200 pages, filled with Alvarez’s illustrations and photographs, a dizzying multi-format representation of an artist who is impelled to create and express himself across forms. It lends a restlessness to the proceedings, as if we were getting an intimate look at how his brain works firsthand, and it’s a wondrous trip to behold.

{‘ART SEX LIFE’ by Ismael Alvarez may be purchased online here, or in bookstores in Spain. Also, be sure to check out his enchanting website, which is a compelling compendium of his artwork.}

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