Author Archives: Alan Ilagan

Across the street from my childhood home, there was a rose garden. My parents did not grow such exotic beauties – content with their vegetable plots and swaths of impatiens – so I’d sneak over and spend hours walking the stone paths among the plants, bending down to inhale the intoxicating fragrance, doing my part in plucking off the Japanese beetles, and basically having the time of my life.

I enjoyed the solitude as much as the beauty, and though my heart wanted to burst for all the wonder and prettiness around me, I didn’t feel the compelling need to share it with anyone.

That would come later.

Back then, it was enough to experience the garden on my own, this secret space where I could be entirely at ease, luxuriating in my solitude, the sun and the sky as my only quasi-companions. On a summer day, when other boys would be playing ball or rambunctiously bandying about, I found safety and solace here.

Behind a gate, a patch of mint ran wildly into the shade beside a stand of arborvitae. It formed a living wall of green, like some formal maze at a grand estate, and I thrilled at such secluded secrecy within secrecy. Slipping into the space, I felt relief from the midday sun. I brushed some of the mint with my hand, allowing the aroma to rise and refresh.

This was where I would find home.

The Delusional Grandeur Tour: Last Stand of a Rock Star begins its final leg today. I feel like there should be some grand dramatic gesture here, but most of the drama has already occurred. This is sort of the calm aftermath, like the receding waves of a retreating tide. When you see the final pages, the absence of a full-on finale may make more sense. I’ve found that the most powerful revelations usually do not come about with a bang or a big event – they happen slowly, over time, and any deep-seeded change or transformation, such as what happens to the very land we walk upon, takes years and years to find full fruition.

That is very much the case as the last chapter of The Delusional Grandeur Tour is presented in the next few weeks. You’ll find here a return to my childhood passion – flowers – and within that a return to what I’ve always held sacred. The last two decades have found me on numerous journeys, each rife with the intent to find myself, or in some instances to completely escape from myself. I’ve created an image and a persona that was my way of dealing with pain and hurt, suffering and angst, giddiness and joy, pleasure and desire, longing and desperation, loneliness and love in ways that weren’t always healthy, or even rooted in reality. Not that it was all a dream, nor was it all very real.

My ‘tours’ were escapades that amounted to little more than traveling to see friends in different places, to lift the mundane and reach a higher level of entertainment. Mostly, they were done to deal with a world that grows dimmer by the day, to try to attain enough delusions to disguise the fact that we are all not superstars.

Perhaps I went a little too far…

But what purpose does a flower have other than to show off?

More on that mysterious titular acronym in a few posts… for now this is a tease for the next installment of The Delusional Grandeur Tour: Last Stand of a Rock Star. As we near the end, the trajectory has come around not just to the beginning of this particular tour, but back to the start of that which originally inspired and thrilled me. In this case, a love of nature and flowers.

A scene of simplicity and beauty.

The magic of transformation.

Our delusions have one final chapter in which to resolve themselves, but before we lose ourselves on this last road, let’s look back at where we’ve been…

THE DELUSIONAL GRANDEUR TOUR: LAST STAND OF A ROCK STAR

01)  Intro/Curtain – Part One, Part Two, Part Three

02)  Sunset Pool – Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five

03)  On The Road Hotel – Part One, Part Two, Part Three

04)  Rock Star Addict – Part One, Part Two, Part Three

05)  Animal Demons – Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five

06)  Steam Punk Birdcage – Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four

07) Red Riding Wood - Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five

08) Winter Top Hat - Part One, Part Two

09) Warrior Retribution - Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six, Part Seven, Part Eight

10) Cologne Glamour Fashion - Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

11) Samsara Healing Water - Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5

12) Spring Thaw Salvation - Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5