Category Archives: Music

The Madonna Timeline: Song #126 – ‘Act of Contrition’ ~ 1989

{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle, and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released and/or came to prominence in my mind.}

OH MY GOD, I AM HEARTILY SORRY FOR HAVING OFFENDED THEE…

More an act of controversy than contrition, the closing track to Madonna’s otherwise-flawless ‘Like A Prayer’ album had even die-hard fans like myself scurrying for our rosary beads and saying a little prayer to escape the wrath of God Almighty. I’ve already gone into that in excruciating detail, so won’t bother with it again. Instead, let’s get into a very brief analysis, or commentary really, on one of the strangest songs Madonna has ever recorded. (Ok, ‘Cry Baby’? I mean, ‘Autotune Baby‘… Actually, I mean ‘Bye Bye Baby‘…)

With the backing track from ‘Like A Prayer’ playing in reverse, and Prince’s avant-garde guitar licks striding hellaciously forward, it’s Madonna’s rendition of the ‘Act of Contrition’. (She would later employ it to better effect as the opening to ‘Girl Gone Wild’.) Back then, it comprised the bulk of the song, a rather tuneless affair that sounded more like Madonna freestyling her way through a remembered childhood prayer than any carefully-crafted work of song-writing.

At the end, with guitars screeching wildly out of control, Madonna dissolves into histrionic screaming, “I resolve, I reserve, I have a reservation… I have a reservation… What do you mean it’s not in the computer?!?!”

An utterly bizarre ending to one of her most powerful albums, it is somehow courageous in its raw, unpolished, amateur-like lack of grace. Still, the ‘Like A Prayer‘ opus deserved better than that, and ‘Act of Contrition’ was one of the louder thuds in Madonna’s history of atrocious album-enders.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT’S NOT IN THE COMPUTER?!?!?

SONG #126 ~ ‘Act of Contrition’ – 1989

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She’s Got the Best of Me

While it has yet to make the Madonna Timeline, ‘Borderline’ has been resurrected from the deepest vaults of the Madonna oeuvre, thanks to her recent stellar performance of it on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. It would have been difficult to top the first Tonight Show appearance by President Barack Obama, so Madonna managed to perfectly complement the rather dignified proceedings. Three-decades and some change ago, she scored her first Top Ten hit with ‘Borderline’ – and though I was just slightly too young to remember it, it has since become one of my favorite tracks from her debut album. That’s all for the future timeline, however, so let’s not get ahead of ourselves. For now, enjoy this lovely performance of the song, proof that all Madonna needs to do is sing one of her many hits, do a few cute turns around the stage, and bring us all back to the spark that made her so special in the first place. It’s still there. The rebel heart still beats in fine form, and the plucky little girl who only wanted to dance and sing can still elicit rapture. Something tells me she always will.

As for the performance, it was perfection. I know I always say that, but listen to her voice and tell me she doesn’t sound amazing. The girl’s still got it.

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Summer Memories: The Best Guardian for a Red Sox Game

This weekend Skip and I head back to Fenway Park to take in a ball game between the Boston Red Sox and the Toronto Blue Jays. For the record, it is a win-win scenario for me, as the Blue Jays are my second favorite team (after the Red Sox). The very first professional baseball game I’d ever attended was a match-up between these two teams in 1986, the year the Sox went on to win the pennant. (We’ll leave Bill Buckner out of this for now.) At the time, I was more interested in the brown bag of paperwhite narcissus we’d just procured at a market than I was in the game. My Dad and brother had the better seats, by the third base line, while Mom and I were further back. It meant more to them than to us.

Last year I returned to the Green Monster’s lair with Skip, and it was an unexpectedly enjoyable experience. I’m not sure what sort of scene we made, what with the beer, the insults to the other team, and the runway rating I insisted on giving every player as their visage flashed across the screen for each of their at-bats. Surely it was no more incendiary than cutting the entire ‘Thor’ movie line.

I SEE THE DAWN OF A NEW BEGINNING

THIS TIME, THIS TIME WE CAN’T GO HOME

I HEAR THE STREETS OF TOMORROW CALLING

I GO, I GO WHERE YOU GO

‘CAUSE WE BELONG TO SOMETHING

WE BELONG TO SOMETHING NEW

As we sat down for the game, I found myself once again getting philosophical about the whole idea of baseball, its place in our culture, and the attraction that gets an entire park filled with grown adults hooting and hollering like kids at Christmas. Skip explained my various questions on the game itself, while the undulations of the crowd held me transfixed. I wanted so badly to do the wave, but I don’t think they did it that day.

Shaded somewhere behind the third base line, I was taken back to my first Red Sox game, while very much inhabiting the game at hand. Past and present selves existed, and the solitude I so often courted and craved in both childhood and adulthood found momentary abatement in the enjoyment of a friend – and a group -“ all of us watching the same thing, sharing the same experience,

IN THE MIDST OF THE MIDNIGHT HOUR

YOU SAID TO ME

WE ARE, WE ARE A DIFFERENT KIND

OH LIKE WE’VE BEEN KISSED BY HIGHER POWER

SAYING DON’T WAIT, DON’T WAIT UNTIL IT’S GONE

‘CAUSE WE BELONG TO SOMETHING,

WE BELONG TO SOMETHING,

WE BELONG TO SOMETHING NEW…

Most of my happy summer memories go back to the 80’s, but every once in a while a new one is created, and it gets filed away for those winter days when things can get a little lonely. Ever since last year’s Red Sox trip, Skip has been part of a new summer memory. It’s reminiscent of the days of ‘Stand By Me’ or ‘The Goonies’™ when my brother and a friend would join me for an adventure. Most days it was simply riding our bikes around town or traipsing through the woods or racing around the garage if it was raining. Some boyish things are better shared. A baseball game is one of them.

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The Boy You Always Wanted to Be

TURN AROUND

EVERY NOW AND THEN I GET A LITTLE BIT LONELY AND YOU’RE NEVER COMING ROUND

TURN AROUND

EVERY NOW AND THEN I GET A LITTLE BIT TIRED OF LISTENING TO THE SOUND OF MY TEARS 

TURN AROUND

EVERY NOW AND THEN I GET A LITTLE BIT NERVOUS THAT THE BEST OF ALL THE YEARS HAVE GONE BY

TURN AROUND

EVERY NOW AND THEN I GET A LITTLE BIT TERRIFIED AND THEN I SEE THE LOOK IN YOUR EYES

TURN AROUND, BRIGHT EYES

EVERY NOW AND THEN I FALL APART

TURN AROUND, BRIGHT EYES

EVERY NOW AND THEN I FALL APART…

Give me a cheesy dance cover of a classic 80’s tune and I’m in adolescent heaven.

It was the mid-90’s, and I was working at the Faneuil Hall Structure store, sandwiched between Bath & Body Works and Express and loving every minute of it. The new spring music mix had been delivered and I was trying to get my head around how I would listen to these songs non-stop for the next three months when the familiar chords of ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’ came on. Backed by its racing BPM and the diva-lite vocal stylings of one Nicki French, it thundered through the store and framed that spring with its romantic longings intact.

Oddly enough, the memory that this song sometimes provokes is of the second guy I kissed. Unfortunately, he had to deal with the relatively cruel aftermath of the first guy I ever kissed, and as such I treated him like shit. It’s not something in which I take any pride. I was young and foolish and stupid and mean, and if I could do it again differently I would. But that’s fast-forwarding through things I need to exorcise.

Back to the beginning, when I was waiting at the Porter Square commuter rail stop after a day in Boston

AND I NEED YOU NOW TONIGHT

AND I NEED YOU MORE THAN EVER

AND IF YOU ONLY HOLD ME TIGHT

WE’LL BE HOLDING ON FOREVER

AND WE’LL ONLY BE MAKING IT RIGHT

CAUSE WE’LL NEVER BE WRONG TOGETHER

ONCE UPON A TIME I WAS FALLING IN LOVE,

NOW I’M ONLY FALLING APART

NOTHING I CAN DO ~ A TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART.

Spring had arrived, and with it the usual restless New England excitement that comes following a winter of snowbound darkness. I only had a couple of weeks before returning home for the summer. (Despite the fact that we had the condo in Boston by this time, there was something better about being somewhere with a pool and central air conditioning that appealed to my comfort zone.) Still, there were a few days of spring fun to be had, and after that fall and winter, when my heart had been broken in ways I didn’t quite realize at the moment, I needed it. I also needed to inflict my hurt on someone else. At least, that’s how I felt at the time.

The Porter Square station has one of the longest escalators I’ve ever ridden. To get from the T platform to the commuter rail platform is a lengthy ordeal, and when one of those escalators is out of order, there’s a mini-marathon waiting to wreak havoc with your knees. On this day, it was fortunately operating as usual, and I waited as it slowly brought us up to the light. Whimsical subway art in the form of tiny statues of gloves provided passing interest as we rose higher. I’d arrived early, as always, and there were a few more minutes before the commuter rail would stop to begin the trek to Brandeis. I sat on the bench inside the station door and waited.

Across from me, a tall man with blonde hair stood and looked at me. He waited there without briefcase or bag or coat, and I detected the slightest smile as he caught my eye. This was in the pre-Grindr days, the days before your phone could find the nearest guy looking for sex, the days of luck and chance and destiny, when it seemed both harder and easier to find someone. The smile I returned was more of a sneer; my heart was in protection mode, my head was ready to attack. There’s something hot about sadistic tendencies.

TURN AROUND

EVERY NOW AND THEN I KNOW YOU’LL NEVER BE THE BOY YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO BE

TURN AROUND

BUT EVERY NOW AND THEN I KNOW YOU’LL ALWAYS BE THE ONLY BOY WHO WANTED ME THE WAY THAT I AM

TURN AROUND

EVERY NOW AND THEN I KNOW THERE’S NO ONE IN THE UNIVERSE AS MAGICAL AND WONDROUS AS YOU

TURN AROUND

EVERY NOW AND THEN I KNOW THERE’S NOTHING ANY BETTER, THERE’S NOTHING THAT I JUST WOULDN’T DO.  

At that point in my life, after the let-downs of my first brushes with love, I knew that I was not quite ready to begin again. At least, my head knew that. The heart is a different story, and though everything I would eventually do came out wrong, the initial attraction to another person was real, and when we sat in close proximity to each other on the train, I was nervous and hopeful. There was excitement in eliciting the notice and thrill of someone else. Where this rather false jolt of confidence originated, I’m not entirely sure, but I was certain he was interested. When you’re young and only slightly cute, you become quickly adept at noticing when someone notices you. It’s survival. I’d never felt particularly attractive, but in rare instances, and in certain company, I was aware that I could cast a spell. Maybe everything I did and would ever do revolved around this dilemma. Every photo I would take, every word I would write, every outfit I would wear – they would all be done in the name of making me pretty. It was a fool’s errand, and I would make it over and over and over again.

From my seat I could see he had pulled a pen and small piece of paper out of his pocket and had written something down. At my stop I stood and slowly eased into the aisle. I saw that it was a name and a number. Walking by him, I paused and held out my hand. He put his number into it, and I walked off the train without saying a word. I mastered aloof nonchalance in the face of a pounding heart long ago.

TURN AROUND, BRIGHT EYES

EVERY NOW AND THEN I FALL APART

TURN AROUND BRIGHT EYES,

EVERY NOW AND THEN I FALL APART…

That night, I called him. No game-playing, no strategic waiting, no hesitancy whatsoever on my part. That’s how it always was with me, and it usually ended up badly because of it, but this time things were different. I’d given up control before. I’d been battered and punched, all my innocent questions crushed, all of my ideals pounded with the cold renouncement of one man who couldn’t extend a hand of help or simply humanity. Yet my heart still yearned. My head, however, still hurt, still pained. And it sought out someone to punish.

It was true. My heart was being eclipsed – by hurt, by sadness, by the brutality of a world where no one really cared, not in the way I wanted them to care, not in the way I needed them to care. Yet maybe this was the world. Maybe no one ever cared after your parents, and sometimes not even them, and I had to get over it in order to get on with it. It was a possible truth I was not quite ready to acknowledge. Not at that young age. Hope was still my driving force, even if I’d learned to not reveal that hand. So I went the opposite direction.

I can’t really explain it. Hurt is hard to explain. Our actions in the face of it are even harder to explain. In some ways, it appears I’m still trying. To explain. To justify. To make right. And I know it’s probably not even possible. You can never undo pain. You may apologize and regret and wish to rewind, but hurt is not retractable. It is incontrovertible. Once it happens, there is no refuting or reversing it. And so I carried it with me – then and now – like some unlucky penny that appears when at last you thought it was gone.

AND I NEED YOU NOW TONIGHT

AND I NEED YOU MORE THAN EVER

AND IF YOU ONLY HOLD ME TIGHT

WE’LL BE HOLDING ON FOREVER

AND WE’LL ONLY BE MAKING IT RIGHT

CAUSE WE’LL NEVER BE WRONG TOGETHER…

We met up a few times, and had a number of nice calls. There was passion and excitement, but always a safe distance. I didn’t get too attached too quickly. Quite the opposite. I was cutting and blunt, hurtful and sarcastic. When the smallest thing didn’t go my way I was ready to be done with the whole scene. It was all giving on his part and all taking on mine, and I demanded it as such. His every kindness was met with suspicion and meanness. His romantic overtures were greeted with disdain and ridicule. And somehow he kept coming back for me, because he knew I was unforgettable. I knew it too by that point. I was channeling Linda Fiorentino in ‘The Last Seduction’ and it was not a good look on me, but I didn’t give a fuck.

In a very childish way, I was testing him. Seeing how far I could push it before he would be forced to leave me, like they all left me. Like I gave them any other choice. To his credit, he saw right through it all and took my petulance not to heart, but as an aspect of my personality that needed to be reconciled. I couldn’t forgive him for being so reasonable and so patient, and I lashed out even more.

The strange thing is that the worse you treat someone, the more they want you. A dangerous power lurks within each of us at some point in our lives, and how we wield it is the true test of our character. I did not wield mine well in the beginning, and I have no excuse for it.

I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO I’M ALWAYS IN THE DARK…

There won’t be any further specifics here. The detailed recounting of what I said and did matters less than the cumulative effect it had on him and on myself. Like a real eclipse, the darkness came on suddenly, as much as it was predicted and expected. Hurt is like that, whether you are the giver or taker, and it’s always too late once it’s set into motion. What starts out so solid and crystalline – the sharp piercing of icy, unrequited love – eventually subsides, gently eroding into something softer, less striking perhaps, but no less resonant. It becomes a dull thing, an emptiness more than something of substance, and that makes it all the trickier.

Many, many years ago, before humanity figured out what was happening, an eclipse felt like the end of the world. Striking terror into the hearts of all of us who did not know any better, it must have seemed as though Armageddon was at hand. A total eclipse of the heart inspires similar fear – the fear of being loved as much as the fear of loving too much.  When I look back at the young man I was twenty years ago, more than anything else I want to tell him not to be afraid. I want to tell him that nothing awful ever came from being kind to someone else. Maybe even more than that I want him to listen, even when I know he won’t.

ONCE UPON A TIME I WAS FALLING IN LOVE, 

NOW I’M ONLY FALLING APART

NOTHING I CAN DO ~ A TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART.

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A Queen Honors A Prince

A sleeve of ruffled lace sat atop a crystal-studded cane, while a diamond cross dangled in the spotlight.

A throne of purple velvet slowly turned to reveal Madonna, resplendent in a shiny purple-and-lavender paisley suit and ethereally blonde curls. The opening notes of Prince’s own ‘Nothing Compares 2 U’ – most memorably performed by Sinead O’Connor at the dawn of the 90’s – came out of her mouth and the world wept to see the Last Great Pop Star of their generation paying tribute to a recently-fallen one.

No one could have done this better, no one could have made it mean more, and no one else was a more worthy angel for conveying Prince’s pop legacy. As tears filled her eyes, and she sang the words that suddenly rang with greater import than ever before, it was clear that this was the emotional catharsis so many of us needed – a eulogy of priceless proportion, singularly commanded by the only other performer remotely near his legendary level. When Stevie Wonder appeared and began the final walk into ‘Purple Rain’ it was an astounding tribute to an astounding icon.

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Summer Jam by Justin Timberlake

This is the first strong contender for a Summer Anthem – something I’ve largely missed the past couple of summers. The last one I can think of was ‘Starships’ by Nicki Minaj. This time around it’s an instant-classic by Justin Timberlake, ‘Cant Stop The Feeling!’ Only in a summer song are exclamation points allowed, and encouraged!

The season of the sun works in tandem with certain songs to imprint them in our memories, conjuring happier moments of hope and light, and when you listen to them again a few months later, you can almost hear the splashing of pool water and the buzzing cicadas. May and music go hand in hand, as instanced by some of the more memorable songs that came out at this time of the year: ‘Hold On’, ‘It Must have Been Love’, and ‘Turn Up the Radio.’

In this case, the big JT himself is providing a summer anthem that will be hard to top. Infectiously catchy, buoyantly uplighting, and timelessly carefree, ‘Can’t Stop the Feeling!’ is effervescent pop genius, designed for pool-side jams and top-down driving. It is the sonic personification of the summer to come. We need that now.

“I GOT THAT SUNSHINE IN MY POCKET…”

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The Madonna Timeline: Song #125 ~ ‘Everybody’ – 1982

{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle, and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released and/or came to prominence in my mind.}

I KNOW YOU’VE BEEN WAITING, YEAH

I’VE BEEN WATCHING YOU, YEAH

I KNOW YOU WANNA GET UP, YEAH

COME ON…

 

EVERYBODY, COME ON, DANCE AND SING

EVERYBODY, GET UP AND DO YOUR THING

EVERYBODY, COME ON, DANCE AND SING

EVERYBODY, GET UP AND DO YOUR THING

 

Her first official single, ‘Everybody’ was Madonna’s clarion call to the world to ‘Dance and sing, get up and do your thing.’ Strangely enough, it was never a favorite of mine, and to my recollection she only performed it on two tours (The Virgin Tour and The Girlie Show Tour). It was the latter’s performance, where she intertwined some Sly and the Family Stone, that won me over with its funkiness (and Madonna’s exuberance when performing it for the masses).

LET THE MUSIC TAKE CONTROL

FIND A GROOVE AND LET YOURSELF GO

WHEN THE ROOM BEGINS TO SWAY

YOU KNOW WHAT I’M TRYING TO SAY

 

COME ON, TAKE A CHANCE

GET UP AND START THE DANCE

LET THE DJ SHAKE YOU

LET THE MUSIC TAKE YOU

EVERYBODY, COME ON, DANCE AND SING

EVERYBODY, GET UP AND DO YOUR THING

EVERYBODY, COME ON, DANCE AND SING

EVERYBODY, GET UP AND DO YOUR THING

Despite its iconic historical status, the song still doesn’t do much for me. And as much as I appreciate the sentiment, and its rallying egalitarian cry for all-inclusive fun, I’m just not especially impressed with it. That’s ok. Even the most die-hard Madonna fans have songs that rank low on their personal lists. Besides, if and when she decides to rework this for a live performance, I’m sure I’ll be the first on board to join in the fun.

LET YOUR BODY TAKE A RIDE

FEEL THE BEAT AND STEP INSIDE

MUSIC MAKES THE WORLD GO ‘ROUND

YOU CAN TURN YOUR TROUBLES UPSIDE DOWN

GONNA HAVE TO CHANGE YOUR MIND

GONNA LEAVE YOUR TROUBLES BEHIND

YOUR BODY GETS THE NOTION WHEN YOUR FEET CAN MAKE THE MOTION

EVERYBODY, COME ON, DANCE AND SING

EVERYBODY, GET UP AND DO YOUR THING

EVERYBODY, COME ON, DANCE AND SING

EVERYBODY, GET UP AND DO YOUR THING

It was the beat-fueled chirp of a raw form that would soon transform into the Madonna that conquered the world, but for that moment, it was just a girl dancing and singing and doing her thing. Celebratory, carefree, and completely unaware of all that her life was about to become. Or maybe she did know, and the rest of us simply had to catch up.

DANCE & SING, GET UP DO YOUR THING.

SONG #125 ~ ‘Everybody’ -1982

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Sipping Beyonce’s Lemonade

Up until last night, I wasn’t a Beyonce fan. I liked her, even if I only knew ‘Single Ladies’ and some of her Destiny’s Child work, but I was not a fan – certainly not a member of the Beyhive. Now, I’ve sipped the lemonade, and I’m a big damn buzzing bee. She debuted her visual album ‘Lemonade’ on HBO last night, and it was a marvel. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but it surpassed much of Madonna’s most recent work, and will hopefully be a little reminder of the possibilities of what an artist can accomplish these days.

Visually stunning, it tells the loosely plotted story of a relationship fractured and then put back together. While the ending is a happy one, it doesn’t feel entirely complete, and the issues that Ms. B raises are not simply or easily solved. I have no idea what it means to be a black woman in this country, and I certainly have no idea what it means to be Beyonce, but this work juxtaposes the two, with chilling references to the past, and a few terrifyingly personal moments of the present.

Most impressively, the hour-long work was a masterpiece in that it kept the viewer guessing as to how much of this was Beyonce’s life, and how much of it was artistic license and expression. That’s the sort of thing that always moved me most about Madonna, and it’s something I’ve tried to create in my own way right here on this blog. We each inhabit characters, playing up different versions of ourselves, all in an attempt to get closer to the truth. When we get comfortable, we tend to stay put and live in that comfort. The best artists don’t do that. They refuse. And they come up with some wonderful stuff to prove it.

Beyonce did that last night, and after tasting this ‘Lemonade’ I’m a proud member of the Beyhive.

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Adam Levine Rocking Purple Rain

Perhaps the best tribute to Prince I’ve seen thus far – and delivered with a wish and prayer. Who knew Adam Levine could rock the guitar with such amazing skill and musical poetry? I think even Prince would blush with pride looking at this performance of ‘Purple Rain.’ This is just further proof that Adam Levine can do no wrong.

For more of Adam Levine (the skin-baring kind of more) check out this post.

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The Madonna Timeline: Song #124 – ‘Spotlight’ ~ 1988

{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle, and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released and/or came to prominence in my mind.}

You can dance.

For inspiration.

Such was the mantra for Madonna’s first remix record, ‘You Can Dance’. It came at her white-hot 80’s platinum crest, and for an album half-filled with dub versions it did relatively well, even without a single. The lone new song ‘Spotlight’ should have been given the single and video treatment, as it could have better bridged the gap between the nefarious ‘Who’s That Girl’ period and the amazing ‘Like A Prayer’ majesty. Instead, this throwaway track (reportedly from the ‘True Blue’ sessions) is an 80’s time-capsule with its synthesized everything and Madonna’s full-throated delivery.

SPOTLIGHT, SHINE BRIGHT

TONIGHT, SPOTLIGHT…

There’s nothing ground-breaking here, though it does mark Madonna’s first reference to the spotlight (one that, oddly enough, wouldn’t rear its now-ubiquitous head until she started examining her own fame in tracks like ‘Human Nature’, ‘Survival’, ‘Drowned World’, ‘How High’, ‘American Life’, ‘Hollywood’, ‘I’m Addicted’, ‘Joan of Arc’ and ‘Rebel Heart‘.)

NO ONE KNOWS YOU BETTER THAN YOU KNOW YOURSELF

DO THE THING YOU WANT, DON’T WAIT FOR SOMEONE ELSE

LIFE IS JUST A PARTY, THAT’S ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW

IT’S YORU TURN TO SHINE, BABY LET YOURSELF GO.

Carefree days of childhood, when dreams of fame and fortune actually seemed possible, all within (far) reach. I didn’t know how or when, but one day I knew that spotlight would shine on me. Whether or not I’d be ready, accepting, or appreciative of it was also unknown. But the possibility was there, and this song was very much an inspiration.

EVERYBODY IS A STAR

EVERYONE IS SPECIAL IN THEIR OWN WAY

SO YOU SET YOUR GOALS HIGH AND GO FAR

DON’T PUT OFF TOMORROW WHAT YOU CAN DO TODAY…

It hasn’t weathered the passing of time very well, but for an 80’s trifle it reminds of a more simple period, when all was neon and bangles and 80’s glory. It was gaudy and garish, and, much like the ‘You Can Dance’ artwork, more than a little cheesy. It wasn’t the prettiest time, but it was flashy. More than that, it was the background to my childhood. Good or bad, that was the era that informed my view of the world, and my place in it.

SPOTLIGHT, OPEN UP YOUR EYES AND SEE

SPOTLIGHT, SHINING THERE FOR YOU ME

SPOTLIGHT, THIS WORLD IS YOURS AND MINE

SPOTLIGHT, THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO SHINE.

As Patrick Bateman prowled the streets of New York snorting coke and fucking hookers, as Wall Street boomed and busted, and the coldness of an imagined war loomed and darkened the steps in the distance, we grew up. Yet in my bedroom, with the scarlet lining of the cassette tape and Madonna intoning me to step into the light, all was wondrous and rosy and limitless imagined stardom.

DON’T STAND IN THE CORNER WAITING FOR THE CHANCE

MAKE YOUR OWN MUSIC, START YOUR OWN DANCE

WHEN YOU FEEL THE RHYTHM, I’LL BE BY YOUR SIDE

NOW YOU HAVE THE POWER, BABY, LOVE IS ON YOUR SIDE.

Caught between the well-traveled world of my brother – a realm of sports and easy friendships and carelessness to all attire – and the fantastical vision of Madonna – a realm of glamour and power and beauty, clearly I was siding with my main muse. In her music and her attitude, she offered a fun and sexy and confident manifestation of the age-old belief that dreams really do come true – even if no one else believed in you. That was a lesson I needed more than anything, and it was something I’d have to go through in my own way.

EVERYBODY WANTS TO SHINE

DON’T STAND ON THE SIDELINE, STEP INTO THE LIGHT

BUT IT’S GOT TO COME FROM INSIDE

LISTEN TO YOUR HEART, AND STEP INTO THE SPOTLIGHT

EVERYBODY IS A STAR,

YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE

THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO SHINE

IT’S GOT TO COME FROM YOUR HEART.

SONG #124 – ‘Spotlight’ ~1988

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New York on Sunday

Early this morning, Suzie and I will (weather-permitting) drive to the station to hop a train to New York. We will dine at the Plaza Hotel, then browse the scents at Bergdorf Goodman. After which we’ll make our way to a friend’s wedding, then board the train back home. I can’t think of a lovelier way to spend a Sunday.

And I can’t think of a better soundtrack than Shirley Horn. Here’s her rendition of ‘Sunday in New York.’

New York on Sunday, Big City taking a nap,
Slow down, it's Sunday, Life's a ball, let it fall in your lap.
If you've got troubles, just take them out for a walk. 
They'll burst like bubbles in the fun of a Sunday in New York.

You can spend time without spending a dime, watching people watch people pass,
Later you pause, and in one of those stores there's that face next to yours in the glass.
Two hearts stop beating, you're both too breathless to speak.
Love smiles her greeting, then the dream that has seen you through the week
Comes true on Sunday in New York.
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The Madonna Timeline: Song #123 ~ ‘Jump’ – Fall 2005

{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle, and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released and/or came to prominence in my mind.}

THERE’S ONLY SO MUCH YOU CAN LEARN IN ONE PLACE.

THE MORE THAT I WAIT, THE MORE TIME THAT I WASTE.

This is one of those songs I wish I’d heard during my first days at any number of jobs. It turns out I’ve had more than my share – beginning with a decent retail stint at Structure and a first office job at John Hancock. Obviously, the retail one was the more fun of the two, but I didn’t know that at the beginning. In fact, as I started on my first day (just an early Sunday meeting to try on the new fall line) I wondered if I could do it. So much so that escape plans played out in my head, ways I could politely exit before I had to talk to people or step up to the register. That’s always how it is in the beginning.

I HAVEN’T GOT MUCH TIME TO WASTE, IT’S TIME TO MAKE MY WAY.

I’M NOT AFRAID OF WHAT I’LL FACE, BUT I’M AFRAID TO STAY.

I’M GOING DOWN MY OWN ROAD, AND I CAN MAKE IT ALONE,

I’LL WORK AND I’LL FIGHT TIL I FIND A PLACE OF MY OWN…

Standing in the dressing room at the Faneuil Hall Structure, on the sixth floor of its stand-alone building amid an island of historic cobblestone, I look at myself in the mirror, almost trembling with nerves. The new crop of employees is changing into the Fall Collection of Structure. Each of us had been given an outfit to try on and model. One would think I was in my element, but I was just starting to learn about fashion, and only just realizing that my own style was not necessarily something that would fly in the mainstream retail world. (Structure was, after all, an off-shoot of The Limited Company, which ran just about every mall store that existed in the 90’s.)

I did what I did best and put on my game face. I pulled on a pair of silk and wool pants, adjusted a crisp white shirt, and eyed a gray jacket hanging behind me. As I buckled my belt – the final piece of armor for this battle – I took a deep breath. Stepping out and strutting down the middle of the store with all the attitude and swagger of a super-model, I overcame my shyness and pretended to be someone else. Someone confident, someone who didn’t care. To the amusement of my colleagues and managers, I worked it like RuPaul taught us from the time of Star-Booty. This wasn’t something that came from my wardrobe, this wasn’t about the sillage of cologne left in my wake or the perfectly-coiffed hair that sat upon my head – this came from somewhere deep inside, something that I didn’t even know was there. It wasn’t from my parents or my family or my friends, it wasn’t from my upbringing or past or anything I learned at school. It was a spark that was mine and mine alone – the start of an adult life that I could and would control on my own terms. It was one of the first times I jumped, and it was scary and exhilarating and nerve-wracking all at once.

ARE YOU READY TO JUMP?

GET READY TO JUMP

DON’T EVER LOOK BACK, OH BABY

YES, I’M READY TO JUMP

JUST TAKE MY HAND, GET READY TO JUMP.

Soon, though, I rather expectedly came into my own, excelling at all things that had to do with retail. I was one of the top sales-people, and the one who consistently led the (literal) charge, opening up the most store credit cards every week. My average sale was reliably high (and when it wasn’t, there was always the next-to-the-register special of three pairs of socks for ten dollars to bump it up a bit). But more important than the prowess I gained as a retail worker was the real sense of confidence and self-worth I felt from doing a job and doing it well. No one had handed me this position, and no one there knew what I had, or hadn’t, done with my life up until that point. I made myself into someone, and I did it on my own. People may scoff at the silliness of a sales-person job, but it was everything to me. I held onto it, working several shifts at various locations throughout Boston – Boylston/Newbury Street, Harvard Square, and a couple of inventory days at Prudential and Natick. I even moved to the Rotterdam Square location when I had to go home for the summer. My Structure family accepted me for who I was, and because I had proven my worth, there was respect there too. That emboldened me for my next job, even if it didn’t take away all my nerves.

WE LEARNED OUR LESSONS FROM THE START, MY SISTERS AND ME

THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DEPEND ON IS YOUR FAMILY.

LIFE’S GONNA DROP YOU DOWN LIKE THE LIMBS OF A TREE

IT SWAYS AND IT SWINGS AND IT BENDS UNTIL IT MAKES YOU SEE.

A few years later, and a few days into my new job at John Hancock, I still had butterflies. The girls were snickering as I returned to my researching figures on microfiche. I had finished my lunch and started working a few minutes before my lunch hour was officially over. One of them, Angie – a loud and boisterous woman – sat next to me and said something I’ve never forgotten: “Never give up your lunch. It’s not a lot of time, but that’s yours. Don’t give that up.” Normally a wise-ass, joking about everything and everyone, she was unquestionably serious as she said that to me. (To this day, I will almost always take my full lunch, and it makes a definite difference.)

It would take a few weeks to feel comfortable in a new office, and I remember gauging how long it took me to overcome my nerves at Structure, comparing it to how many days I had been at John Hancock. (This was a game I would repeat at every new job I’d take over the years – trying to figure out when I would be truly comfortable and have a few friends.) I stuck with it, and when I was asked to be one of the research managers on the floor I realized I had stopped counting the days and had already made a number of friends.

We went out to lunch together, as well as to a number of after-work gatherings at The Pour House or the Hard Rock Cafe. I also hosted parties and occasional Saturday lunches when we worked overtime. It was only a temporary assignment, for some years-long financial settlement in the making, and we came together for a few months in our youth, which somehow made it all mean more. Most of us were in our very early twenties, but a few teenage college interns were there as well, and a couple of older temp people shifting to another job in between life-events. A mixed bag, to be sure, one that was as entertaining as it was dysfunctional.

Fights would flare up, a few minor flirtations would result in some random drunken hook-ups, and a nude photo scandal once erupted ending up in two people getting fired on the spot, but I was largely uninvolved with the drama (not even the nude photo fiasco, which was less a result of the naked photographs and more due to the fact that the two ladies involved had threatened to physically, and violently, resolve the issue on the research library floor). In other words, I soon felt like a member of the John Hancock family, and I’d stay there far longer than my original plan of six months. It was only when I moved to Chicago with my boyfriend that I broke those ties. Still, I’ve held on to two dear friends from that time – JoAnn and Kira – and I keep them close.

ARE YOU READY TO JUMP?

GET READY TO JUMP

DON’T EVER LOOK BACK, OH BABY

YES, I’M READY TO JUMP

JUST TAKE MY HAND, GET READY TO JUMP.

A few more years passed. I ended up living in Albany with Andy, and I needed a job. A couple of his friends suggested taking a government exam, and in a few months I had procured permanent employment with the State of New York. In that first job – a Grade 5 Date Entry Machine Operator – I went back to counting the days. In my second state job – a Grade 6 Keyboard Specialist, I kept counting. By the third, a Grade 9 Keyboard Specialist 2, the days seems to go quicker, my comfort level rebounding at a faster pace, and my confidence less shakable. By the time I advanced to a Grade 18 Senior Personnel Administrator, my nerves and jitters at new jobs had dissipated, and rather than dread the feeling of being the new guy, I almost missed it in the nine years I maintained that position.

When a promotional opportunity for a Grade 23 position came up two years ago, I had to take it, even if it meant leaving the agency where I had spent more time than all of my previous jobs combined. I would have to start over again, almost from scratch, and as much as I knew I could do it (because I’d done it so many times before) it was a daunting prospect. I was almost 40 years old, and about to go back to the beginning. By this time, ‘Jump’ – the song – was in my library, and I hastened to retrieve it. No matter how many times I’d done it, I still got nervous.

THERE’S ONLY SO MUCH YOU CAN LEARN IN ONE PLACE.

THE MORE THAT YOU WAIT, THE MORE TIME THAT YOU WASTE.

Yet whether it was all those years of practice, or the simple maturation and letting go of the silly worries that had plagued me in my youth, I found myself quickly comfortable, and surprisingly valued, at my new job. In fact, I didn’t even have to go back to my previous practice of comparing how many days it was before I felt at home, and I remarked to a few people how it was the fastest I had ever become an integral part of an office. It helped that I was old(er) and married and comfortable enough in my own skin not to pretend to be anyone else. The biggest, and longest-to-learn, lesson I’ve taken from my years of employment is that people aren’t ever going to be truly won over until you reveal your genuine self to them. Most of us can read when someone is hiding something, when they’re trying too hard or pretending to be someone other than their authentic selves. As the jobs progressed, so did my experience in the world, and the various quirks that made me who I am were no longer something to be hidden, but something to wear proudly on my peacock-colored sleeves.

I’LL WORK AND I’LL FIGHT ‘TIL I FIND A PLACE OF MY OWN

IT SWAYS AND IT SWINGS AND IT BENDS UNTIL YOU MAKE IT YOUR OWN.

The last single from Madonna’s disco-ball inferno ‘Confessions on a Dance-Floor’ is a highlight of that album, with its Pet Shop Boys ‘West End Girls’ nod and theme of self-empowerment. It is also one of those Madonna songs that works on different levels, for different moments, giving it a timeless aspect that echoes its multiple-decades of influences. There’s nothing groundbreaking about this one in Madonna terms, but it’s a perfectly crafted pop song by one of the genre’s finest, which makes it groundbreaking compared to practically anyone else.

It’s also a great song to pump someone up for beginning a new endeavor, whether that’s a new job, a new relationship, or a new anything. It’s one of those crossroad songs – an indicator of a life decision that may or may not change the entire trajectory of your existence. That gives it a certain bit of tension, but the good kind – the kind that propels you to move ahead.

I CAN MAKE IT ALONE, I CAN MAKE IT ALONE

I CAN MAKE IT ALONE, I CAN MAKE IT ALONE

We all have those moments, when we have to decide whether to jump or whether to stay put. Timing is everything. Sometimes you have to be pushed a little, but a jump is a jump, no matter how it happens to happen.

ARE YOU READY TO JUMP?

GET READY TO JUMP

DON’T EVER LOOK BACK, OH BABY

YES, I’M READY TO JUMP

JUST TAKE MY HAND, GET READY TO JUMP.

And sometimes you have to leave to find your way home again.

ARE YOU READY?

SONG #123: ‘Jump’ ~ Fall 2005

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I’m Down On My Knees…

Behold, the magnificence of the almighty 12” Extended mix of Madonna’s ‘Like A Prayer’ – back when remixes retained the original integrity of a song instead of deconstructing them to the point of unrecognizable beats and samples. This one begins with the basic guitar chords, slowly building to the immortal opening lines and bridge, “Life is a mystery, Everyone must stand alone…” I still get chills every time I hear it. Listen through to the end, when the one and only Prince provides guitar licks  to take the song to another level – the holy grail of rock ‘n’ roll.

This is ‘Like a Prayer’ season. The album was released in March of 1989, back when I was thirteen years old. According to Jewish lore, by way of Madonna, thirteen is the age when one’s soul solidifies, and you become the core of the person you are destined to be. It’s only fitting then that thirteen was when ‘Like A Prayer’ came into my world. There’s no need to go into everything I’ve already written on the song, but every year at this time I recall those magical days when it was first released.

The arrival of spring after a trying winter is almost a religious event. Madonna’s ‘Like A Prayer’ album was a similar exercise in spiritual salvation through the art of pop music. Its quartet of top-ten singles remains a cornerstone and highlight of a storied and impressive career (‘Like A Prayer’, ‘Express Yourself’, ‘Cherish‘, and ‘Keep It Together‘). It may, however, be the album as a whole that solidified Madonna’s stature as serious artist, one to be reckoned with for the long haul, and one destined for the historical firmament.

Take the heart-wrenching double-punch of ‘Promise To Try‘ and ‘Oh Father‘ – those two songs alone won over  her harshest critics, at least for the moment. The whimsical ‘Dear Jessie‘ offered a softer side to the woman who rarely revealed a vulnerable or nurturing nature. At the time the most revealing track was likely ‘Til Death Do Us Part‘ – the brittle examination of a marriage gone to wreck – and it’s a harrowing but brilliant song that races along and raises as many questions as it purports to answer. This was the first Madonna record that earned her almost universal praise. (Even B-side ‘Supernatural‘ held its other-worldly charms.)

All in all, the ‘Like A Prayer’ album was a cathartic collection of songs designed to exorcize Madonna’s demons past and present, and going on such an intensely personal journey helped us all work some stuff out. At the turn from winter to spring, it thawed the coldest of hearts and melted the most frigid of countenances.

IT’S LIKE A DREAM

NO END AND NO BEGINNING…

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Madonna’s Tears of a Clown

It sounded like a guaranteed train-wreck. As much as I love Madonna, her ill-conceived and poorly-executed stand-up bit during an appearance on a Jimmy Fallon show for her Rebel Heart promotional tour was proof that her greatest strengths are her musical performances. (Witness the insanely good ‘Bitch I’m Madonna’ dance-fest of that same show.) This evening – a gift to her Australian fans – promised to be an intimate and raw affair of music, stories and comedy, but I didn’t have much faith in how it would play.

Making a whimsical entrance on a tricycle, Madonna makes an effectively glamorous clown. Make-up is flawlessly spot-on, costume is sexy but innocent, and the flaming-pink wig and off-set top hat are a new take on some Madonna stand-by accessories. She’s done the sexy circus theme before (‘The Girlie Show’) and it fits her well. Still, I had my doubts.

It begins in somewhat-shaky but moving fashion as Madonna tackles the Stephen Sondheim classic ‘Send in the Clowns.’ To my knowledge, it’s the first time she’s sung Sondheim since her stunning ‘Sooner or Later’ performance from 1991’s Oscar telecast.

It’s always a thrill when Madonna performs my favorite song she’s ever written, so the appearance of ‘Drowned World/Substitute for Love‘ from her magnificent (and thus far best) album ‘Ray of Light‘ was a welcome beginning to her string of songs this evening.

The unfairly-maligned ‘American Life’ album got a welcome revisit, with emotional renderings of ‘X-Static Process‘, ‘Intervention‘ and the first-ever live performance of ‘Easy Ride.’ Though I’ll never be a big fan of ‘I’m So Stupid’ it fit in well with the raw, sometimes-self-flagellating nature of the night.

Some of the intervening “comedic” bits fall as flat as expected (that dumb donkey joke) but they are less harsh and more endearing than previous comic efforts. She also pokes fun at herself, not something she does often, but one of her unheralded strong-points when it happens. Sipping from a Cosmopolitan, she was more relaxed in a free-form style that usually leaves her more rigid. How, at this late stage of the game, she manages to reinvent and surprise after what we’ve already seen is a real revelation.

The mostly acoustic style of the songs neatly aligned with the intimate feel of this loosely-plotted show, and sets Madonna up for an even longer run should she choose to maintain her unprecedented sway. She expounds upon the creation of one of the most emotionally-wrenching songs she’s ever written – ‘Mer Girl’ – before giving it a stark reading – a haunting highpoint, a raw wound, a glimpse behind the curtain. This clown had many sides, this clown had depth, and this clown had some serious feeling.

By the time a gentle, easy-going version of ‘Borderline’ comes along, the music is finally, and reassuringly, revealed as her one true salvation, as the single aspect that has buoyed her career and changed the entire landscape of pop culture – for better, for worse, and forever. Her penultimate song for this event was the too-rarely-performed ‘Take A Bow’ – the perfect ending both thematically and lyrically; all the world does indeed love this clown.

I expected the whole thing to be a dud, an embarrassing mis-step at the end of her otherwise-amazing ‘Rebel Heart’ Tour, but I was proven wrong. That’s the majesty of Madonna at work, even when the unlikeliest naysayers are ready to wag our naughty fingers at her. Touche, Madame, and well-played.

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The Madonna Timeline: Song #122 ~ ‘Autotune Baby’ – Late winter 2015

{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle, and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released and/or came to prominence in my mind.}

Madonna’s B-sides and Bonus Tracks have only gotten better over the years (see ‘I Fucked Up‘, ‘Super Pop’ and ‘Beautiful Killer.’) This Madonna timeline selection – ‘Autotune Baby’ – is one of the best, wrapped in an annoying baby gimmick that almost – almost – ruins the whole beautiful affair. But I guess babies tend to do that, so we will make do. It’s a bonus track from the excellent ‘Rebel Heart’ album, and got lost in that release’s mad shuffle.

I TOLD YOU I DON’T WANT YOU ALL THE TIME CAUSE YOU’RE NOT MINE

I’M NOT IN LOVE BUT I’M IN LIKE, SO FAR IT’S WORKING FINE. 

BUT WHEN I NEED YOU THEN I’M DESPERATE,  I’M A LITTLE CHILD

JUST LIKE AN ANIMAL, DOWN ON MY KNEES AND BEGGING…

She’s employed the baby thing once in the past – in an unobtrusive bit of recorded laughter reportedly by Pat Leonard’s daughter in ‘Dear Jessie‘. That one was forgivable given the whimsical childhood fantasy of the song. This time around, an annoying child’s cry is used, distorted, and turned into a jarring musical recurrence.

YEAH, ALL WRAPPED UP, I WANNA BE YOUR LITTLE BABY NOW

PUT MY HEAD ON YOUR SHOULDER, YOU CAN ROCK ME, ROCK ME NOW

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT YOU CAN HEAR ME CRYING LOUD

PUT MY HEAD ON YOUR SHOULDER AND ROCK ME.

On repeated listens, however, it becomes an integral part of the song. Not that it isn’t for a moment anything less than grossly agitating, but there’s a useful purpose for it. That bothersome grating on the ears actually makes the chorus, when it arrives, that much sweeter. And what a gorgeous chorus it is – probably one of her best in a long time. Such a shame it had to be bound with the baby.

OPEN THE DOOR, UNLOCK ME

WE’VE GOT TONIGHT, SO ROCK ME NOW.

Lyrically it’s a casual relationship gone obsessive, a sweet love song surrounded by emotionally sadomasochistic tension. The push and pull of power and weakness, of domination and subjugation, of love and hate – it finds fruitful musical resolution in the chorus. (Again, this could have been one of the great ones were it not for that damn baby.)

I’M IN MY BED AND I’M OBSESSED AND LYING WIDE AWAKE

I NEED SOMEONE LIKE YOU TO COME AND PUT ME IN MY PLACE

CAUSE IN THE DAY I CAN’T BE TAMED, BOY YOU DON’T WANNA KNOW

BUT IN THE NIGHT MY HANDS ARE TIED, YOU TELL ME WHERE TO GO.

It’s a fuck you/fuck me lullaby, filled with barbed sweetness and poisoned candy. We all want to be so strong in the light of day. We wrap ourselves in armor and pretend that we don’t need anyone, that we are not dependent or needy creatures. Nobody wants to be the weak one.

YEAH, ALL WRAPPED UP, I WANNA BE YOUR LITTLE BABY NOW

PUT MY HEAD ON YOUR SHOULDER, YOU CAN ROCK ME, ROCK ME NOW

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT YOU CAN HEAR ME CRYING LOUD

PUT MY HEAD ON YOUR SHOULDER AND ROCK ME.

Once the night falls, however, most of us just want to be held. Rocked gently to sleep. Comforted and wrapped in loving arms. We aren’t supposed to admit it, but there it is. From the moment we enter this cold world, we just want to be loved.

OPEN THE DOOR, UNLOCK ME

WE’VE GOT TONIGHT SO ROCK ME

OPEN THE DOOR, UNLOCK ME

WE’VE GOT TONIGHT SO ROCK ME NOW.

{I just can’t get over the damn autotune baby. I tried, but I can’t.}

ROCK ME NOW… ROCK ME NOW.

SONG #122: ‘Autotune Baby’ ~ Late Winter 2015

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