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Author Archives: Alan Ilagan

The Unwallowing of Winter

Rather than wallow in winter, this year I’ve made motions to celebrate and embrace it, to find its wonder and enchantment, and largely it’s worked: this season has been a boon to my mood despite the perceived (and sometimes actual) darkness at work in the world. Attribute it partly to meditation, partly to hygge, and partly to an appreciation of each and every day, even the gray ones. The alternative is not worth giving up the mental space. Besides, winter holds its exquisite magic close to its icy vest, and will only reveal it when you bow a bit in humility. I have no problem subjugating myself to wind and ice and snow, marveling and appreciating its strength and might, and admitting my powerlessness in the face of raw ruthlessness.

On my way home from my parents on a recent afternoon, I took the long route back, winding along the Mohawk River on the back roads rather than the Thruway, and on one such side road I pulled over as the sun started its daily descent. The wind was harsh and unrelenting, swirling snowdrifts on the field before me. I was in awe of the way it felt calm, even in the midst of its brutal force, the way beauty had of quelling the freezing temperature and wind-chill, of making me forget the cold, and in that moment a new appreciation was forged.

No field of green grass, even at its most fresh and dotted with dew, could ever reflect the blue sky the way a windswept field of snow can do. There is great recompense in that beauty. It erases any frigid discomfort, easing the oncoming darkness, lending a brilliance that is not present at any other time of the year.

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Beneath the Buddha’s Tree

It is said that the Buddha meditated for 49 days beneath one of these trees, the Ficus benghalensis ‘Audrey’ after which He first attained enlightenment. Native to India, these trees grow to immense sizes in their natural habitat, sending down aerial roots and expanding their canopy into a veritable forest, providing much-needed shade, and apparently a perfect place for the Buddha to dwell and meditate. To this day, temples are built beneath many of these banyan trees – space which is viewed as sacred. I love that idea, and when I saw one of these little plants at the local nursery, I picked it up on a whim to be closer to such enlightenment.

“If you truly loved yourself, you could never hurt another.” ~ The Buddha

Reportedly, this plant is a good alternative to the more finicky Fiddle leaf fig, a plant whose moodiness is too frightening for me to attempt. I don’t have the expanse of bright indirect light and space for the ginormous Fiddle leaf trees, but this tiny little Audrey fig looks manageable. Smaller specimens generally are more amenable to change and adaptation for less than perfect indoor situations. I have a humidifier and some decent enough light by a bay window to at least give this little guy a chance.

He rests on the table beside which I do my daily meditation. Sitting in the lotus position, I can gaze with a soft focus on his handsome leaves, and feel some wondrous connection to nature, to the earth, to the Buddha, and the path on which I find myself makes a little more sense.

I don’t know if the common name (Ficus Audrey) came before or after ‘Little Shop of Horrors’ but I’m taking it as an auspicious sign that it may grow for me. If it ends up eating me alive, well, it was nice knowing you.

“It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you.” ~ The Buddha

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Man Leggings, BAM!!!

If you want to make your booty POP(!) then just order these not-so-crazy-ass leggings that are all the rage on social media right now, squeeze your butt into them, and wait for the dicks, I mean clicks. It’s been a while since I’ve posted any gratuitous photos, so maybe this little GIF will quell the non-existent clamor for cake. 

Perhaps it’s the return of the Madonna Timeline, or the ennui of this disheartening winter, but something stirs the flash-my-ass-cheeks attitude and reminds me of saucier times on this blog. Like a proper sadist, I’m not going to make this easy for you, so if you want to find those more salacious shots, do some digging on your own, and probe the search feature at the bottom of every page. Type in whatever you want to see, then step on board for a magic ride better than anything the great space coaster could conjure. (Tell Gary Gnu that Al sent you.)

For the lazier lugs among us, here are some general categories of SexyBack:

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The Madonna Timeline: Song #161 ‘I Don’t Search, I Find’ Summer 2019

{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released and/or came to prominence in my mind.}

FINALLY, ENOUGH LOVE
I DON’T SEARCH, I FIND
I DON’T SEARCH, I FIND

The summer of ‘Madame X‘ feels like a lifetime ago, and in so many ways it feels like the last summer of innocence. I suppose all previous summers were the last summers of innocence. Music brings back memories almost as potently as scent. So does this blog, thanks to summer recaps, part one, part two and part three. As for this song, ‘I Don’t Search, I Find’ we locate Madonna musing with some introspective lyrics over a moody dance track that thrillingly recaptures the ‘Erotica’ era in the best possible ways. 

The days of losing oneself in the hedonistic wild abandon of dance clubs somehow feel far away too, and somewhere in the past of ten or twenty-five years ago the dim sparkle of reflected light, bounced about off disco balls and mirrors and the eyes of the seeking, is still splintering its pretty shards through history. Eyes sleepy with drink or drug sweep the dance floor of time, looking for possibility, looking for reciprocated desire, looking for, above all things, love – always for love.

I FOUND LOVE
I FOUND SOMETHING NEW
I FOUND YOU
YEAH, I FOUND YOU
PLATINUM GOLD INSIDE YOUR SOUL
I FOUND LIGHT
I FOUND EMOTION

Those nights were filed with darkness, and thinking back on some of them I can feel the fear I probably should have felt then. Like the time I cajoled a guy into driving me from Boston back to Brandeis one night, and he ended up pulling off onto a dim side road, stopped his van (yeah, he drove a van straight out of ‘Silence of the Lambs’ and I was in it) and wanted to talk. Nothing came of it, and I was not even scared at the time it happened – only in retrospect do I feel the danger and naivete of youth, and forget its invincibility. I feel the same way about certain nights at tea dance, when the pulsating throb of the dance floor pumps its lifeblood through my system, and the whole mass of dancing people moves as one organism, gracefully fluttering in one singular sensation. There was community there, and happy co-existence. We needed each other to make it work, and we could rely on each other to make it happen. I fear that those days and that synergy may be gone forever. Not only because of our current situation, but the changing landscape of humanity. For now I shall side with cynicism in the hope of being proved wrong.

IT’S OUR GYPSY BLOOD
WE LIVE BETWEEN LIFE AND DEATH
WAITING TO MOVE ON
AND IN THE END WE ACCEPT IT
WE SHAKE HANDS WITH OUR FATE
AND WE WALK PAST
THERE’S NO REST FOR US IN THIS WORLD
FINALLY, ENOUGH LOVE

For me, this song also reminds that despite the collective pulsation and sensations the dance floor once provided, those moments were largely few and far between. Mostly I just witnessed them from a safe vantage point, not usually joining in and moving with the masses. I never tore my shirt off and rubbed sweaty torsos with a group of men (not on a public dancefloor at any rate) and I didn’t do any of the drugs that sent so many off to some fantastical journey through the convoluted alterations of their brain. I sipped on my screwdrivers and got a little/lot drunk, but that was the extent of my dance floor debauchery. Occasionally I would go a bit further, but for the most part, when I honestly think back on my not-entirely-plentiful nights out, I remember them largely in solitary fashion. I never had a huge group of gay friends with whom I could tag along for regular jaunts to the club. Part of me thought I wanted that, but whether it was social anxiety or simple diversion in taste, I never pursued it. And so my dance club experience was largely limited, and largely made in solitude. Which makes this particular Madonna song somehow resonate with me, as it captures the loneliness of the scene as much as it celebrates the sonic atmosphere.

I DON’T SEARCH, I FIND
I FOUND PEACE (I FOUND PEACE)
I FOUND A NEW VIEW (I FOUND A NEW VIEW)
I FOUND YOU (I FOUND YOU)
YEAH, I FOUND YOU

It’s music for when you want to circle the perimeter of the dance floor, or hover on some balcony just above all the action. That was my territory for the most part. Once in a while someone would tear me away from such solitude and I’d join in the exertions, quite adeptly because I did get the gay dance gene, and for a few moments I’d legitimately enjoy letting go, but soon enough my socially anxious senses would return and I’d slink off to the bathroom or the bar and end it before it took me anywhere too far from where I’d come.

It does what the best of her latter-day work does: references the past in reverential form while looking ahead to the dance floor moments that are yet to come. Will we ever dance again? It’s too soon to say, but Madonna has not given up the fight, and neither have I.

FINALLY, ENOUGH LOVE…

SONG #161 ‘I Don’t Search, I Find’ ~ Summer 2019

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Jumping Junipers

“A man,” said he, “must have a very good opinion of himself when he asks people to leave their own fireside, and encounter such a day as this, for the sake of coming to see him. He must think himself a most agreeable fellow; I could not do such a thing. It is the greatest absurdity–Actually snowing at this moment!–The folly of not allowing people to be comfortable at home–and the folly of people’s not staying comfortably at home when they can!” ~ Jane Austen

Such a sentiment strikes me as especially true during our current cold spell (as well as during a pandemic), which has seen a succession of bitter days best addressed while in the warm comfort of a robe and a pair of thick woolen socks, sipping a cup of hot tea by the fire. Ideally, a good book would be within arm’s reach, and some sort of soothing music would be playing softly in the background. A view of the outside world might then juxtapose itself against this cozy scene, making the notion all the more precious. If there are several houseplants safely ensconced on the inside of the window ledge, so much the better ~ their verdant clumps thrillingly saturated before a wintry backdrop.

Outside there are more subtle delights, in the delicate green of a juniper cradling a patch of freshly-fallen snow. If one must be drawn out to shovel or clear a path, this little spot of green is evidence of survival, of the hope that spring will come again. It’s worth a closer examination, a moment of mindfulness. No matter how quickly and cruelly the wind whips around us, it’s the stoic heart and the mindful head that manages to retain a centering warmth. 

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Comfort Food by Gram

It was a cold fall day, not as frigid as the days we’re having this week, but we felt it more sorely, the chill unaccustomed after a summer of warmth and sun. Gram was babysitting us, so I couldn’t have been much older than ten or eleven. My brother and I had been outside playing in the leaves, jumping and tumbling in the piles beneath the maple trees. The chill and damp eventually got to me, so I came in for a lunch with Gram. She hovered over the warm stove after pulling a plate of leftover chicken out of the refrigerator. Stirring in some flour to a pan of melted butter, she briefly described the steps of making creamed chicken on toast, prompted by my inquisitive curiosity. Years later, I would understand that she was making a roux, the standard starter of any decent cream sauce.

She didn’t expound upon her method, mistakenly assuming I wasn’t as interested in this as I was in the later, reclusive years of Greta Garbo, but I was, and I paid attention to how she went about it. Adding some milk or cream, she stirred steadily, eventually adding the chicken and heating it through. The sauce became thicker, and she deftly toasted a pair of bread slices, buttering them just as the chicken and sauce were coming together. That butter seemed extra indulgent, but it also worked to keep the bread crunchy even with the creamy topping of chicken she spooned onto each slice. 

It was a simple plate of comfort food, served by my beloved Gram on a frigid fall day. It was exactly what I needed when I didn’t even know what I needed, and I’ve kept that simple lesson with me for all these years. Nowadays, I’ll modify it for more flavor – the addition of some fresh garlic at the start, and my Mom recently mentioned she uses some celery salt when she makes it. It keeps Gram alive, and keeps us comforted on the cruelest winter days. There’s nothing fancy or excessively bombastic about its basic make-up, but much like my Gram it has its own subtle sparkle, and like her love for us, it came from the heart. 

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Instagratuity

Have you followed me on Instagram yet? Oh you simply must! It’s probably the most fun and frivolous of all my social media outlets, and despite the fact that it’s probably the one I neglect the most (when you’ve been taking selfies and photos since 6th grade, the novelty wears off) it’s easily my most varied. Like my website, it provides a wide-ranging view of what tickles and delights me, and those things are often disparate and at odds with one another. That’s what makes life interesting. 

The image above is one of those things that you can scan or something – I don’t really know, being that I’ve always been more Thoreau than Jobs. But spread it around or share it or do whatever the kids are doing these days, and I promise to reinvest efforts in turning my Instagram into something so scintillating it will be worth a daily visit. 

Whether it’s vegetables or food dishes or flowers or fashion or books or candles or cologne or booty – it’s all in me – anything you want done baby, I do it naturally. 

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The Grounding of A Wolf Moon

“It was when I stopped searching for home within others and lifted the foundations of home within myself I found there were no roots more intimate than those between a mind and body that have decided to be whole.” ~ Rupi Kaur

A full Wolf moon often means craziness and lunacy – something that’s been in the air for a few days now, the way it often goes with the lunar schedule. To survive that mayhem, I’ll indulge in 28 minutes of meditation – my last day at 28 minutes. Tomorrow, on the 29thof January I’ll advance to 29 minutes of daily meditation. This is the timing that works for me – you may find something more suited to your lifestyle and where you are in your own meditation journey.

Lately, as I lower myself into the lotus position in the middle of our living room – the plant-lined window to the front yard to my left, the conversation couch directly ahead of me, and a Korean tansu climbing to my right – I’ve felt the pull of the earth beneath me, felt the grounding connection between body and floor. The electric energy of the day, the charged frizzing jerkiness that comes from being too caught up in my head then drains from me as I feel the ground solid beneath my posterior. It’s similar to the feeling of grounding I get when standing in the sand of an ocean shore, the way it pulls and draws itself around my legs as the water advances and retreats.

This sense of grounding is something that didn’t reveal itself until recently, about a year into my meditation practice – proof that this is a gradual, slow, and wondrously beautiful process – a journey that takes its own pace, refusing to be hurried or rushed, unwilling to give hints or peeks of the lessons until I am genuinely ready to receive them. It’s a humbling and happy realization. The moment I think I know something is the moment a world of unknown mystery suddenly appears with more questions and misunderstandings. Embracing the uncertainty, I am coming to trust this winding path.

And so I sit in the lotus position again, breathing slowly in and out, knowing it will not be any longer or shorter than it needs to be, accepting that whatever madness the Wolf Moon may manifest is all an integral part of winter, a way to help us pass through the final days of January. In the same way I’ve slowly leaned into the wonder and majesty of winter, I will lean into the mystery and magic of the full moon, harnessing its positive energy and reining in the typical madness. A little lunacy might prove necessary for further acceptance of life’s imperfections. 

The sunset embers smolder low,
The Moon climbs o’er the hill, 
The peaks have caught the alpenglow,
The robin’s song is still.
~ John L. Stoddard

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Tulip Memories

This trio of tulips called me back to memories I’ve held since childhood, and some more recent recollections that involved the happy flower…

Tulipmania.

Tulip titillation.

Tulip sunshine.

Tulip perfume.

Tulip curves.

Tulip beds.

Tulip portals.

Tulipa.

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This Picture Will Always Crack Me Up

Maybe it was this previous post that has me all nostalgic, but I needed to find this photo again for a laugh, and it worked. There’s nothing better than a lifelong friend who still brings a smile to the surface whenever certain memories are rekindled. Like this insane photo on the very windy deck of a cruise ship. I’ve featured it before but every now and then I like to revisit it. There’s a lot to unpack here – too much really – from the oddity that Suzie and I, in our late-teen years, found ourselves on a Caribbean Cruise to the notion of me wearing gauze and Suzie wearing whatever that even was. Anyway, it still cracks me up – the perfect antidote for the dark dwindling days of January. 

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Kotoilu & Cookies of Lace

‘Happiness is a place between too much and too little.’ ~ Finnish proverb

The Danish concept of hygge has a different term in Finnish: Kotoilu. Our family friend Tuija taught me that, as I was referencing some lace cookies she had made many years ago during the holidays at the Ko family home. One of their first exchange students, Tuija came from Finland, and was one of those people who were there at most pivotal moments and family gatherings from my childhood. Thanksgivings and Christmases and birthdays and graduations, she was part of the Ko household, and as such was part of my happiest childhood memories.

The Ko family considered her one of their own, and after she finished her exchange stint and graduated high school in Finland, she returned to their home to start her college career. I still remember a sepia-toned photograph of her in traditional Finnish garb which hung in the dim hallway of their Victorian home. She was the same age as Suzie’s older brothers, so we were mostly removed from their adult concerns, content to remain in the unnoticed and untroubled background world that childhood afforded. Even so, I always admired Tuija and her artistic talents. That translated into the kitchen as well, and one of the desserts I remember so well is the Finnish lace cookie platter she once made, piling them in an elegant tower atop a pretty plate.

On their own, they were little works of art – lace-like snowflakes of sugar and butter and oats that practically melted in the mouth. They were the epitome of holiday warmth – hygge and kotoilu – all comfort and joy and holiday enchantment. That memory has remained one of my favorites for many years, and during my first few holidays with Andy, I’d found an approximation of the cookies that I made for him to share the warmth they always kindled.

This winter I asked Suzie if she had the original recipe, and her Mom got in touch with Tuija and from across the ocean it arrived. There were a couple of twists from the recipe I’d been using, and these turned out closer to what I remembered. It was a happy little kitchen triumph, and I’ve learned my way around the oven in the past few months and years of cooking. I sent some to my Mom who gave them her appreciative approval.

As I was making them, the wind raged on one of the chilliest days of the year thus far, but all I felt was that charmed holiday warmth of happy memories and family connections, no matter how much time has passed, no matter how many miles are between us. Thinking of Tuija, my Mom, Elaine and Suzie, my heart was warmed, rendering winter a most magical time, and connecting me to a blissful moment in childhood. We were all together back then, and in the delicate lace veil of these sweet cookies, it was almost like we were all together again.

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Orchids Ubiquitous

Once upon a time, the orchid was an exquisite rarity only shown by the most ostentatious home-owners and specialty botanical enthusiasts. We’ve come a long way since those early days of orchid culture, as now there are orchids at every turn – home improvement centers, supermarkets, and of course all the nurseries and greenhouses. More than that, they are all pretty affordable and easy to care for – at least the common ones – and even the common ones are exquisite. 

For some reason, I’ve largely ignored them, but the more I think of it, the more I wonder why. For the price of a typical floral arrangement, I could have been purchasing an orchid, which would last weeks beyond that bouquet. Not that we need any more plants, but the next time I have a hankering for some floral cheer, this may be a new-old option. Besides, they seem to be a background pre-requisite for all Zoom meetings. 

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The Moistest Banana Bread

Using ‘moist’ and ‘banana’ in a single post is certain to annoy and agitate the sensitive among us, so there you have it. This is a quick little mid-day snack featuring a recent banana bread success, something I can approximate on the regular (unlike pancakes). I don’t have a favorite banana bread recipe, I’ll just pull up a google search for ‘best banana bread’ and use whatever comes up. I have found a common thread in all the recipes that end up working really well, and that’s some sort of greasy element to add and retain moisture – usually an oil instead of butter, and some addition like sour cream of mayonnaise that lends extra oomph. Such was the case in this one, which used the latter (and Miracle Whip would not be an option). Happy snacking.

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A Right Proper Primrose

They signal the impending spring, and though it be a bit of a ways off, we are chomping at the bit. Stick a sugar stick in me or toss me a carrot because I am raring to be done with winter. As much as I’ve made motions to embrace and accept it, the heart still longs for spring and sun and warm weather. This week has chilled us to the bone.

These happy little primroses reminded me that we are headed in that direction, and I always thrill at seeing them and the spring bulb flowers in the markets starting at this time of the year. The hyacinths – forced in their single-bulb vases – and tulips brighten the days with their colorful petals as much as their sweet fragrance. Soon the jonquils wrapped tightly in bud in tens and twenties will add the brightest yellow to the scene, along with their delicate scent. 

For now, these primroses will carry us to the end of January, and then a full month of winter will have gone by. Baby steps, perhaps, but every journey has its slow start. Let’s make this one a pretty one. 

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Taming the Savage Yeast: A Basic Bread Odyssey

A bit late to the pandemic bread-making bandwagon, I finally decided to try my hand at a basic bread recipe, especially since my friend Marline gifted me with a beautiful bread stone and basket to keep a loaf warm. It was so pretty I had to at least attempt something I’d been putting off because yeast scared the shit out of me. I’m a one bowl/one pan/one pass kind of guy ~ if there are multiple steps for rising and nonsense like that, I’m usually out.

That said, the notion of a warm loaf of rustic bread being broken and slathered in room-temperature butter, coupled with a pretty place to keep it warm got me over my yeast-avoidance. Besides, there was always cranberry juice for an unwanted infection. (I’ve since been told that’s not how it works, but I was taking no chances.)

Between the Beekman Boys and the New York Times, I figured out how to go about it with the easiest and quickest no-knead method. I’m not about kneading just yet. Dough just doesn’t do anything but stick to me, no matter how much flour I throw at it, so the less kneading the better.

The yeast worked – it was alive! – and the dough expanded and I was able to fold it a few times as instructed after the 20-hour rising period (where it nestled in a little dark cupboard that gets extra heat from its proximity above a heating vent). The one change I made was to add a piece of parchment paper to the bottom of the bread to make removal easier, sprinkling it with some cornmeal to also aid in non-sticky ease. It worked out wonderfully, and soon the kitchen was filled with the actual smell of real bread being baked. Such a marvelous thing!

When it was done, I took it out and let it cool before seeing if it would fit in Marline’s Christmas gift, and as the universe will sometimes smile upon our endeavors, it nestled into place neatly, as if made only for this basket. The stone at the base kept it warm, and no matter how hard winter knocked us about, it couldn’t touch us in that moment. 

Cutting off an end and spreading some softened butter over its rough edges, I tasted its simple goodness, basking in what was an unmitigated success – an especially happy result from all that rising and non-kneading. I saved half for Suzie since she gave me some of her last yeast effort (those lemon cardamom rolls from a lifetime ago). Good things are meant to be shared.

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