A Good Movie Cry

There are some movies that break your heart open, that wrench your deepest feelings and touch the places we may most want to remain buried. These aren’t necessarily the most fun movies – they’re not the kind of movie you play over and over again, in the background or for friends before a Christmas party, but they’re the ones that resonate far longer.

‘The Hours’ is one of these movies for me. Based on the brilliant book by Michael Cunningham, it’s all about the Virginia Woolf segments, and the train station scene in particular.

“Dearest, I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel I can’t go through another one of these terrible times and I shan’t recover this time. I begin to hear voices and can’t concentrate so I am doing what seems to be the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I know that I am spoiling your life and without me you could work and you will, I know. You see I can’t even write this properly. What I want to say is that I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. Everything is gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can’t go on spoiling your life any longer. I don’t think two people could have been happier than we have been.”

‘Brokeback Mountain’ is another. So quietly powerful and moving is this one that I can’t watch it more than once a year or so. Even then, I’m often only able to make it through bits and pieces. Stark, brutal, beautiful and unforgiving, it’s an exquisite dirge for the soul.

“The shirt seemed heavy until he saw there was another shirt inside it, the sleeves carefully worked down inside Jack’s sleeves. It was his own plaid shirt, lost, he’d thought, long ago in some damn laundry, his dirty shirt, the pocket ripped, buttons missing, stolen by Jack and hidden here inside Jack’s own shirt, the pair like two skins, one inside the other, two in one.” – Annie Proulx

“He pressed his face into the fabric and breathed in slowly through his mouth and nose, hoping for the faintest smoke and mountain sage and salty sweet stink of Jack but there was no real scent, only the memory of it, the imagined power of Brokeback Mountain of which nothing was left but what he held in his hands.” – Annie Proulx

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The Holiday Card 2015

Without fanfare or fireworks, without hype or hoopla, I humbly present the Holiday Card for 2015. Every now and then I need a year off the crazy heights of provocation and bloody mayhem that sometimes form the combustible release of certain cards. This is one of those low-key years, and I couldn’t be happier. Simple, safe, and further proof that I have no ax to grind. Happy Holidays to all. This one’s safe for the kids and the fridge! Next year I will return to being offensive – that’s a promise.

Until then, a look-see at previous offenses:

Holiday Card 2004 – Snow Queen

Holiday Card 2005 – Disco Ball Jock

Holiday Card 2006 – Jesus Christ Pose

Holiday Card 2007 – Very Bad Santa

Holiday Card 2008 – Soft & Somber

Holiday Card 2009 – Winged Fur Muff

Holiday Card 2010 – The Wedding Coat

Holiday Card 2011 – Most Shocking Card Ever

Holiday Card 2012 – Eat Your Holiday Heart Out

Holiday Card 2013 – Childhood Nostalgia

Holiday Card 2014 – Let It Snow

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Silk Flower, Silk Tie

The pairing was perfect.

The color divine.

The evening, a mystery.

We were there to see the Queen, but we didn’t dare approach. Instead, we wound our way through a series of rooms and scenes where decadence bordered on debauchery, and the impending holiday season lent everything an additional sparkle. Anticipation is the greatest accessory of them all.

A woman draped only by the bubbles of a bath asked to play ‘I Spy’ with me, and said she spied something RED. I meekly answered, “Is it your heart?” She shook her head no, until I found the shot perched on the wall. The blood-red elixir of life.

Shades of vermillion and magenta, all bleeding into a tuxedo the blackest of night.

A pop of passion in a world of gray.

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OUTRAGEOUS!!

A holiday fragrance requires a little extra oomph. It’s the one time of the year when we’re sanctioned to be glitzy and over-the-top. For this season, I’ve been at a loss as to what to wear in the weeks leading up to the parties and the celebrations. While I’ve had my eye on my first Bond No. 9 (New York Oud), BLK DNM Perfume 11, and the new Oliver Peoples collaboration by Byredo, none of those will arrive before Christmas Eve (assuming they’ll arrive at all). I almost forgot about a limited edition Frederic Malle fragrance that my parents gave me a few years ago for Christmas – ‘Outrageous!’ – created by Sophia Grojsman. At the time, I knew little to nothing about the vast array of scents that Malle had had a hand in creating over the years, I only knew that I loved the scent of Barneys whenever I walked into the second floor and browsed the wares in their Boston store. I figured that with the scant collection of bottles that they put out in the men’s section, it would be easy to find the overriding scent that signified Barneys. How foolish I was…

While trying to pinpoint that amalgamation of sweet scents and which one it might be, the salesperson wasn’t much help, telling me the scents were sold downstairs (they can be incredibly bitchy at the Boston Barneys) so I walked down the staircase and made my way to the counter, where the entire Byredo and Malle lines occupied extensive space with their crisp and clean bottles.

I asked if there was one scent that was what I smelled every time I came into Barneys – Barneys in a bottle if you would – but they were completely clueless. Instead, they sold me on the new limited edition by Frederic Malle – Outrageous! – and I gave it a spritz. After trying a few of the others, I was lost in a delicious haze that no cup of coffee beans could cure. Overwhelming olfactory overload.

When it arrived on Christmas that year, I wasn’t as enamored of the scent as I thought I’d be. An impulse choice based on lack of research and trial. A lesson learned. And a bottle that it would take me years to appreciate. Since then, my tastes in fragrance have evolved and grown, and the challenging sparkle of Outrageous! may have finally found its way back into my heart. It’s a candy-like thing, colorfully-kaleidoscopic, and sweeter than my usual woody preference. Yet there’s a clinically-antiseptic feel to it too, bordering on harsh. It has some sharp points – all shining stars do – and it has its flaws, but for those days when you need a jolt of something different, something that bursts like a sugar-plum fairy, Outrageous! – and all its punctuated exclamation – will do.

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Seasonal Recap

The Delusional Grandeur Tour was in Boston again this past weekend, hosting of all things a Holiday Children’s Hour, so I’m likely still reeling from that experience. The Holiday Card 2015 was also sent out, so it’s just a matter of time before it gets posted here. This year’s is a low-key scene – I need a year off now and then to recuperate from all the shock and awe and carnage of previous Holiday Card insanity. On with the recap…

One of my favorite holiday traditions – watching the old Christmas specials – went into overdrive with airings of A Charlie Brown Christmas and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

December is always a tricky month.

It turns out that in certain circles my bulge is more popular than my ass. Whatever, I’ll take it. (Though I happen to think my rosebud will be the most popular of them all.)

For the first time in 15 years, I decorated the Boston condo for Christmas.

A pause on the verge of winter.

An early holiday party.

Holiday Hunks who spread their Christmas joy in sweaty shirtless form included Rocky Buttery, Andrew Skelton, Eric East, Ramiro Sanchez, and Ryan Marek.

Finally, my naked ass for all of New York (and the world) to see. Please bare with me.

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Merrymaking Misfits

We were a motley band of merrymaking misfits, and we assembled at the Boston condo to celebrate the season in festive fashion. One of my very first holiday parties, dubbed rather unoriginally ‘A Festive Gathering’ was in full swing. The happy drone of a party at its height – one of the most glorious sounds in the world, and the reason I do it all – was just beginning to crest, and my incongruous band of friends, co-workers and acquaintances mingled in unexpected bonhomie.

We spilled out onto the rickety fire escape off the bathroom window, guests perched precariously on slatted steel, smoking their cigarettes and who knows what else – I was largely removed from the debauchery of that little bathroom, sadly. We laughed and shouted and sipped at cocktails from plastic glasses, beneath lighted garland and oversize Christmas ornaments hanging from the eve of the wet bar.

Most of us were not yet at the quarter century mark, our youthful exuberance and carefree countenance a sign of our early twenty-something times. We had not yet been saddled with mortgages and babies and jobs with health insurance. On this cold December night the warmth of the condo, the joy of a few good friends, and the promise of romance – ever in the air for a single twenty-two-year-old – was all we needed. It didn’t matter that we were all crammed inside a stuffy little one bedroom condo, or that the oven and its paltry supply of appetizers necessitated the opening of all the windows – we were just glad to be alive, glad to be together beneath the watchful eye of the John Hancock Tower.

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Purple Pucker

Sometimes beauty is obscene,

but it will never be obsolete.

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Why I Get Naked Here

I’m not an exhibitionist, but I play one on this website. When faced with an actual opportunity for exhibitionism in person, I get all shy and quiet, particularly when it comes to disrobing. Suspend your disbelief, stop your guffawing, and reign in your instant-dismissals. Allow me to explain.

As a kid, I was all about the nakedness. Neighbors still recall when my brother and I went running around the front yard in the middle of January, wearing only our Underoos. On a Sunday morning excursion to pick up breakfast at Dan-Dee Donuts (the local Amsterdam version of Dunkin’ Donuts) I mooned a car in the parking lot, much to the consternation and mortification of my brother.

My favorite swimsuit was a tiny (even for a kid) pair of tight, square-cut shorts that had little lines of stars running down the sides. I ran across countless beaches up and down the Eastern sea coast in that thing, gleefully basking in the summer sun. I did the same in our backyard by the pool, unabashed in front of the neighborhood gaggle of kids.

When we played ‘Star Wars’ I always chose to be Princess Leia in the Jabba the Hut scene, brazenly exposing some side ass-cheek in a ridiculously-torn bit of fabric that had to be draped just so. I won’t even get into the politically-incorrect ‘Cowboys & Indians’ garb I concocted, but you can guess which side I chose, and the lack of coverage said ensemble provided.

Growing up in a household where your Dad spends the majority of time lounging in his Jockey shorts, you don’t get a real sense of shame in the human body – and that’s the way it should be.

Somewhere in my childhood that changed. As I grew up and became aware of my body, and the whole Adam and Eve story played in the back of my mind, I became more guarded about things. The carefree innocence of being naked was being replaced with something dirty and shameful. Good boys and girls didn’t behave that way. They didn’t parade around as if we were born that way, they didn’t run about in their underwear, and they certainly didn’t bare their butts in public. I can’t pinpoint when or why or how I became aware of this. There was no traumatic event (fortunately) that sticks in my head, no watershed moment that suddenly changed everything.

Once the curtain of shame and self-awareness descended, I clammed up and covered up, and went in the complete opposite direction. Clothing became my armor, and I found ways to manipulate my image and express myself through such sartorial decoration. Perhaps I took it to an extreme, but being naked became a sign of weakness, a supreme state of vulnerability that a sensitive heart simply couldn’t abide.

I dreaded the simple scoliosis tests at school, when we had to take our shirts off and show our spine to the nurse. I hated undressing in the locker room before and after physical education classes. I even hated taking my shirt off to swim.

(How at odds with what you have come to know, and with everything you have seen here.) I told you: it makes little sense. Such are the quirks of an introverted extrovert. I’m working through those issues with the images before you. It’s a cheap and simple form of therapy, a way to grapple with deeper-seeded things in a very public forum.

Yet even this is safely removed from direct interaction. The photos you see here were taken weeks ago in a hotel room far away – and it might as well have been a lifetime and a galaxy beyond ours. Still, it’s a start. Everything I present here is done with an aim to get over my own issues with shyness. I still have those hang-ups.

In person, you will never see me take my clothes off. I may come close (I’ve finally felt free enough to go swimming – with no shirt on! – in front of people, but you’ll never see me disrobe completely. You’re never going to see me parading around in a Speedo at a pool party, and you’re never going to see some live-streaming shower video of me. But on a recent stay at the Standard, I inadvertently gave some of New York a bit of a peep show, and as uncomfortable as it felt, it was also quite liberating.

It’s still not going to happen in the real world, but it’s happening here.

My shyness is the antithesis of everything I put on display on this website, and that’s why I do it. The shame I feel in being naked in front of people is a shame wrought by society and religion. It’s the same sort of shame I once felt in being gay. And shame like that has no place in the world I want to leave behind.

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In the Midst of Rain, Winter Approaches

The days are diminishing to their shortest duration.

Night comes sooner and sooner.

Yet in the bleakest and darkest of hours, a crystalline secret unfurls feathery ice blossoms.

Underneath a winter sky, 

a distant train sings out the miles. 

And so I wonder can it be, 

will every mile bring you to me?
A promise made may still come true,
so I am waiting here for you.
If you don’t come, what will I do?
Who shall I tell my secrets to?
Christmas bells ring out their chimes,
I hear them echo through the night.
And moonlight shines upon the road,
and trembles on the falling snow.
I look into the midnight blue,
so many stars I never knew.
If you don’t come, what will I do?
Who shall I tell my secrets to?
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Holiday Decorations Not Seen Since the 90’s

The last time I decorated the Boston condo for the holidays was way back in the late 90’s. Yes, it was another millennium ago. It must have been for a Christmas party I was hosting when I lived in Boston at the time. Since then, I haven’t been at the condo enough to justify any sort of holiday decorating, but that changed this year when I got back into the spirit for the Holiday Stroll (recap of that is forthcoming). It will also come into play this weekend, when I head back to Boston to host a Holiday Children’s Hour for Suzie’s and Alissa’s children. [Operative word: hour.] I’ve been told it’s ridiculous to expect kids to adhere to a deadline of an hour, but that’s why kids are so unruly. No follow-up or follow-through. I can do both. Not that I plan on it. This holiday season I’m surprisingly mellow. (It may have something to do with this persistent cough that I can’t shake. You’d be surprised how much less I care about when my sole goal is to make it through a work meeting without coughing my lungs up. Perspective.)

This time the decorating has definitely put me in the Christmas spirit, and I’m actually looking forward to having a couple of excited kids opening gifts and drinking hot cocoa (with mini-marshmallows if Suzie remembers to bring them) in the condo for an hour. It’s a cozy space, and I’ve decked it out as splendidly (if simply) as the small environs allow. Maybe we’ll do more next year, for now this will have to suffice.

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Sniff My Rosebud

Even at this late stage of my cologne obsession, there are still surprises to be had, and I’m constantly amused by how little I know my own likes and preferences. If you’d told me I’d choose a floral over a woody scent, I’d have laughed richly. If you said I’d select something fruity over something spicy, I’d have called you nuts. Yet the nose knows what it wants, and will choose accords accordingly, despite what the mind and the educated guesswork might surmise. A case in point was my recent run-in with the Bond No. 9 line.

I’d just visited one of their stores in New York, and left impressed but not enraptured, and definitely not in love enough to justify the exorbitant price tags. Yet while waiting for Kira to deal with her shoe complex at the Harvard Square Tannery, I perused the small selection of Bond fragrances and fell in absolute love with the New York Oud.

It opened with a fruity blast of plum (two of my favorite frags – Plum Japonais and Pomegranate Noir – employ a fruity sweetness) and then something I never thought I’d like: rose. The classic floral note, so rich and redolent of history and grandmotherly overuse, was never on my radar, but that changed with Tom Ford’s ‘Oud Fleur’ – and the revolutionary turn-around is complete with ‘New York Oud.’ I find the namesake – the actual oud itself – is downplayed, but an integral component for keeping the floral aspect from blooming uncontrollably. It’s a delightful combination that on paper reads like a copy of the ‘Oud Fleur’ but in reality emanates an entirely different story – a story that needs to be part of my life. After spraying some on in the store, it haunted me for the rest of the day. I think I may have annoyed Kira with all my exclamations of adoration, but that’s what a good cologne does to me. Obsession and passion – two sides of the same sweetly-scented coin.

Of course, this puts a wrench in my holiday wish list, which has already been posted here. The good thing is, there’s always Valentine’s Day, and a rose fragrance may be more apt for that anyway.

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Cropping Head

Testing out winter garb for upcoming condo stays, I had to crop my bed-head out of these shots because it was simply unacceptable. The outfit, admittedly, isn’t much better, but for winter nights in Boston it’s perfect. Fuzzy long underwear and a soft (and Delusionally-Grand and bunny-like) t-shirt are all I need to bundle up and hunker down in one of the few spaces on this earth where I’ve always felt completely safe.

There are a number of situations where fashion takes a backseat to function and circumstance, and winter nights constitute just such a condition. I’ll pardon all sorts of otherwise-criminal fashion choices when it gets frigid. I usually don’t share such moments, but since turning 40 I’m a little more open to revealing the ugly (and silly) truth about things, including what I wear to bed. And it doesn’t get much uglier than this.

Hey, when you know the rules you can break them.

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Behold, the 1st of December!

How did we make it to December already? November went by in a blink, and now we are really in the holiday groove, and you’ve got to prove your love to me. Before we march toward the end of the month, and the end of the calendar year, however, I offer this quick look back at the Decembers that came before. Though it is our darkest month, there are glimmers of light, and glimmers of hope, to be found in family and friends.

Evidence in support of hope: this holiday card from 2011, wherein I share billing for only the second time ever.

The little drummer boy.

Red suspenders.

Babes & sundaes.

Brothers & Christmas trees.

Holiday portals.

Snow rose.

Snow kale.

This holiday tradition began in 2011…

And we’ve managed to do it every year since then.

Like a Victorian virgin.

Naked Christmas caroling.

A simple holiday votive.

Porny gay Santas.

Oh Christmas tree.

The madness of men at this time of the year.

The real reason for the season.

Pom explosion.

Once upon a time, I was this wee little thing.

Family fun on Christmas Eve.

Walking in a winter… you know the rest.

And if this still isn’t enough to put you in the Christmas spirit, here’s a naked Ryan Reynolds pic for you. There. Scrooge be gone!

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Lucy or Charlie?

What do you do when the world thinks you’re a Lucy, but in your heart you know you’re really Charlie Brown? That’s the existential question that goes through my head every time ‘A Charlie Brown Christmas’ airs. Don’t get me wrong, I can well understand why some may think I’m a Lucy. The way she continually, and mercilessly, teases Chuck is a thing of inspiration. Not only the way she does it, but the way she takes such joy and glee in it. Giving a kid the hope that she’s not going to move that football again – sigh – my heart flutters at the unrelenting cruelty of it all.

But beneath that Lucy veneer, my heart secretly empathizes with Mr. Brown, with the under-dogs who fervently and earnestly believe in the good of the world, the hope that people will, eventually, do the right and just thing. The way he believed in the Great Pumpkin. The way he put his heart into his little Christmas tree. The way the world crushes him time and again. There’s something noble in that. Noble and heartbreaking.

Truth is, I’m not Lucy or Charlie. I’m not even that talented genius Schroeder.

I’m Snoopy.

Completely unconcerned, unmoved, and unimpressed by the world. Living a charmed, well-cared-for and carefree existence. (And often in the dog-house.) That’s closer to my lucky life than some mean girl or downtrodden boy.

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A Recap to Kick off the Holiday Season

Here we go! Let the holiday hijinks begin! Tis the season to be jolly! It’s also the season to be busy, so to that end, let’s get going with the traditional Monday morning recap. I’ve just returned from a weekend in Boston, so I need a day or two to regroup. On with the look-back…

It began with this miraculous Monday moon shot of Simon Dunn naked.

Even Justin Clynes had a tough time topping that, though he did his very best.

My Holiday Wish List 2015 was finally published, and all two people who will even remotely entertain buying anything off of it have been notified.

A new parade of Holiday memories has begun, with more on the way.

The old parade of Hunks of the Day continued with Aaron Diaz, Gregg Sulkin, Andrew Morrill, Dennis Nathanael van den Eijk, Aaron Lazar, and Sean Yeary.

Happy Thanksgiving!

One of my very favorite parts of the season.

The most important outfit of the season, in RED.

Sit on this!

You’re gonna hear me roar.

Do it until your hand hurts. (And then be prepared to do it some more.)

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