A Boon of Iris Blooms

Every year I wait for the irises to bloom. While others surprise with an early start – hello peonies – or deliver right on scheduled time – hello dear lilacs – the irises always make me wait. It’s a game that goes back to 1987, when I planted my first Siberian iris from Faddegon’s. It had about five buds on it when purchased, and after it went into the ground I would religiously walk out to inspect it every day, waiting for the buds to swell and open.  

Eventually they did, and then all too quickly they were gone, withered by the oppressive heat that suddenly arrives for a few days every year around iris time. That only made me watch them more eagerly the following year, and every year thereafter. 

This year was no different – our Japanese iris, after a few years of extra-special care and pampering, had begun delivering blooms after a few years of neglect, and I could not wait to see their blooms, as this season we had the most ever – 40 flower stalks at last count! (I rarely use exclamation points seriously, so please mind this moment.)

While it felt like they took their time coming into bloom, they’re actually a little early for a Japanese iris – something that climate change seems to have a hand in shifting. I was especially anxious this year, so every day I would be out inspecting them, seeing if I could detect any slivers of purple showing through the green buds.

It was on Father’s Day when this boon of iris blooms deigned to begin its show, seemingly delivered by Dad, as if he knew how much I’d missed him that day. 

They float like magnificent butterflies, bobbing in the slightest breeze and gracefully carrying their beauty on regal stems. The universe sometimes grants solace in the form of beauty, healing in the blooms of a garden. 

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A Colonoscopy Odyssey: Part Two

My body did not wait until I finished the 8th glass of Gatorade and Miralax before it forced me into the bathroom and a veritable deluge exited my anus. My water broke, a baby was birthed, and flood-gates I never knew existed let all the fuck loose. This was an evacuation and exodus on a global scale. Remember when all that blood started gushing down the hotel hallway in ‘The Shining’? That was kid’s stuff. 

My ass as Mt. Vesuvius. This is a role it never wanted to play. 

After that initial expulsion/explosion, there was a little lull. ‘Is that all there is?’ I wondered. At such a moment, one might want to pause and take stock of one’s life. My mind went immediately to food, and all the things I wanted to eat as soon as this nightmare was over.

Andy’s carbonara – with all the butter and cream and garlic and goodness he puts into it. My Mom’s mushroom knishes – breaded and fried and buttery decadence in bite-size jewels of flavor. Suzie’s granola – she makes a mean damn batch of granola. This kimchi fried rice with a fried duck egg on top. The Dover Sole Meunière at Mistral… my eyes are practically misting at the thought of such food glorious food.

Meanwhile, the lull is almost over. I feel it, I sense it coming, I light this candle and watch it throw tears on my pillow… 

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A Colonoscopy Odyssey: Part One

It begins with the gurgling of an almost-empty stomach.

Two glasses of Miralax and Gatorade in, and the stomach has started a conversation with itself. I’d been on the recommended liquid diet for an extra day because I do not want anything to mess with the results of my first colonoscopy, and my first thoughts as this ordeal begins are all about food. 

Solid food. Rich, creamy, hot, fried, filling food. Any fucking food – I’d gladly gobble up a saltine or a Ritz like they were caviar on lobster right now. So no, I do not enjoy a liquid diet. That was news to me – I thought I might, and that it wouldn’t bother me. Not happening.

And so the stomach churns

A few more minutes remain before the third glass (I have to down a total of eight – for a full 64 ounces of blue gatorade and the first bottle of Miralax powder – then do it all over again tomorrow morning.)

Everyone says the prep is the hardest part, and I am dreading what might start shooting out of me at any moment, as much as I am worried about shitting the bed – something I have never done before in my life. I’m also concerned based on what people have told me about all the wiping and chafing that’s about to go down. A pack of Huggies baby wipes stands at the ready. Will 56 be enough? I wonder…

The stomach gives a moan and a yelp.

Strangely, I do not mind the blue gatorade that much. I thought I would. The orange stand-by is cooling in the fridge for tomorrow. I didn’t want to do all of one flavor because… boring! Once upon a drunken day I would have done all of this with vodka and had quite the time. Just kidding – you cannot do this with liquor (he said like some goddamn public service announcement). These internal dialogues should probably not find their way onto the internet, but what do I care? My ass is about to explode and there are no more fucks to give.

Third glass down, and almost halfway there. When does the madness kick in? I keep on waiting, anticipating, but I can’t wait forever… 

Ok, four glasses in and half-way done with the pitcher. Thank God I usually drink about eighty ounces of water a day (it’s true) because that has definitely helped prepare me for downing this much liquid in more or less a single sitting.

Oh… something just bubbled up big-time in the belly. It may not be happy with me. But after tonight I’ll tell it to talk to my butt if it wants to complain. 

Five glasses down and a lot more gurgling is happening inside. This doesn’t sound good. My stomach is talking back to me and it’s sassy as fuck. If I ever get out of this alive I’m gonna drown it in Buffalo chicken everything. That’ll show it. 

My tummy seems to be making gasps for air, and I rest my hand on it, silently apologizing for all that I’ve already done to it. I can’t even face my asshole for all the horrors I’m about to inflict on that. (I actually haven’t punished it as much as you probably think I have – and all that’s about to change tonight.)

Stepped away from the laptop around glass six, and now I’ve gulped down glass seven with just one more to go. Things are definitely in motion, and it’s almost time to shit, I mean shut this post down. 

Oh… HOLY FUCK…

{To be continued…?}

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A Shirtless Quintet

A lazy post filled by five shirtless men, with links to further evidence of their shirtlessness to fill the void as I evacuate mine. It begins with featured gent Luke Evans, who is brilliantly marketing his first fashion endeavor BDXY in his underwear, and I’m practically sold. 

For the second shot, you get a bonus of buns courtesy of Diplo, who never met a vacation scene he didn’t improve by dropping trou. 

A classic Maluma tease, in the grand tradition of nudity-teasing as seen here and here and here

Charlie Puth has proven he knows his way around a song, or a shirtless jog. He also likes to swing naked in his backyard, and perform other acts of skin-baiting-and-baring

Gloriously last and in no way least is the Calvin Klein ambassador Jeremy Allen-White, whose previous spreads have titillated and teased

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God Save My Ass

{Quiet, please, for this prayer circle.}

This is a day on which I have no idea what’s going to happen to my ass, but please God give me an ass to show everybody here that I did make something out of my life. Ok, I’m paraphrasing ‘Truth or Dare’ here, but in times of duress, I tend to turn to Madonna. In this case, I’m about to begin the final stages of prep for tomorrow’s colonoscopy, meaning I can only have liquids today, and in a few hours it’s 64 ounces of Gatorade mixed with Miralax. 

Do I dare document this ass-centric rite of middle-age passage? At the time of this writing, I haven’t decided. I’m told that once this process begins, I won’t have much time outside of the bathroom. Then again, that’s what laptops are for – and live-blogging the lead-up to a colonoscopy is just the sort of TMI antic that has made this blog what it is today. 

It’s always been about my ass.

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Shifty Spring

Sky is changeable.

Sky isn’t still.

Sky is sickeningly shifting.

Sky isn’t stagnant.

Sky is near the end of spring.

Sky is sly.

The best days of spring are usually at the very end rather than the very beginning. Winter is still making demands even after spring arrives, but at the end of spring a duet with summer is always welcome. This is the best crossroads of the year. 

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A Last Recap for This Spring

This is the week when we travel around the bend from spring to summer – probably the most wonderful turn of the year. This is also the week we are set to soar into the high 90’s – perhaps a bit too much a bit too soon, but we must not scare the sun away this early. More bothersome is the fact that this is the week I’m getting my first colonoscopy – a few years later than I should have (go at 45, not 48, unless there’s a worldwide pandemic). Maybe I’ll do a blog post or two on that, or maybe I’ll make better editing choices and leave it all behind the scenes. Stay tuned to see what happens – in the meantime, here is our weekly blog recap:

The week began with new views from new vantage points.

Cloud formation.

Orville Peck buck/butt naked.

This is precisely why Pride still matters.

The muted palette of a wildflower patch.

A song de coq.

Echoes of Orville Peck nude.

Strawberry bounce.

Lace and leather.

It’s so beautiful

A presence on the night wind.

Our first Father’s Day without Dad.

Let the serrated knife do the work it was designed to do.

Our Dazzler of the Day was the one and only Stevie Nicks, whom I got to see twice in a week, and she was just as legendary as promised. 

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A Potent Balm of Bee

This shockingly-hot pink variety of Monarda – better known as bee balm – called to me last year, and I promptly gave it a prominent place in the garden. Keeping it well-watered and pampered with a decent dose of manure and compost, I took extra special care of it. Most perennials require a year or two to really get going and show what they can do – and it is in this time when the care and watering is most important. 

After it finished its first bloom cycle, I cut it back about halfway down the stalks, hoping it would throw off a few flowers later in the season. Its color was so grand I wanted more. Rather than do that, however, it quickly became afflicted with a debilitating bout of mildew, its leaves shriveling and blackening like Dumbledore’s hand when he dared to destroy a horcrux. 

It died down tot he ground, something I’d never seen a Monarda do, but I had faith it would survive the winter, and come back in some form. As part of the mint family, they are scrappy survivors, even if mildew does wreak its havoc in our humid summers. This spring, only a few stems poked through the ground, but they grew well, and this one is now in glorious bloom. We shall see how it fares as the summer arrives and progresses. 

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#TinyThreads: An Insignificant Series

Do not press down on the serrated knife. 

Let it do the work it was designed to do.

#TinyThreads

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A First Father’s Day Without a Father

One of my very first gardening lessons in life came from my Dad, who taught me how to prepare a garden bed for a row of tomatoes, and then carefully plant and cover them with soil, all the way up to their necks so the entire stem would start developing roots and provide a better support system. Fittingly, our very first tomato flowers are in bloom on this Father’s Day – the first which we will be commemorating without Dad

Dad had been on my mind recently, even before the barrage of Father’s Day e-mails and announcements. (Only one company was kind enough to include an opt-out of receiving Father’s Day promos – David Gandy’s Wellwear site, which sent out an e-mail asking if anyone would like to opt-out due to it being a sensitive holiday for some people. I decided to go that route – not because I’m particularly bothered by the world celebrating Father’s Day as it usually does, but because yes, sometimes it still stings to see any sort of father reference.) 

I realized that with the coming of summer, all the remembrances and feelings of last summer were coming back to mind – the angle of the sun, the heat in the air, and the way the warmth brought out scents in the room that ended up being his last room. The atmosphere had started to feel powerfully familiar, and while I dreaded it, I didn’t feel completely lost or despondent like I thought I would. There’s a comfort to when I think of him now, like he’s still here, still guiding me in his way which was always more silent than not. 

I will guide the tomatoes the way he taught me, and if my niece and nephews come around I’ll show them how too, hoping they will carry on his memory, and mine. 

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A Presence on the Night Wind

The first rustling was high in the boughs of the oak tree on the south side of our home. It moved to the nearby pine, then swooped down along the umbrels of the climbing hydrangea before weaving its way through the Chinese dogwood. In this night wind, I felt the distinct presence of my father, and I can’t quite explain why. The breeze moved from the dogwoods through the ferns, then back up through the highest branches of the seven sons flower tree, and then it disappeared for a bit. 

I went back to my impromptu dip of night-swimming, diving under where the water was gloriously warm after the cool night air. Then the wind came back again – starting in the oak and the pine, then skipping right over to the stand of Green Giant thuja, and the other seven sons flower tree. It was a playful night wind, slightly teasing and humorous in the way it flitted from tree to plant and then dissipated altogether before bounding back like an overzealous dog. 

Right above the pool, the Big Dipper carried its portion of the sky – at least I think it’s the Big Dipper. The only memory fragments left from my college Astronomy course consist of this tale of the guy who said ‘fag’ in front of me. Actual astronomy items of useful information have long ago fallen away. 

Winking from behind the trees, a half-moon played hide-and-seek as I swam into the deep end of the pool. Again, I felt my father’s presence – in the moonlight, in the stars, in the idea of all the space between where I was and where he might be. 

My father has been on my mind lately, as the fast approach of summer rekindles the atmosphere and environment of that scary section of the year in which he declined for the last time. Yet on this night, I didn’t feel scared. I didn’t feel sad. I felt his presence and I felt comforted. 

Also, I still miss him.

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It’s So Beautiful

It’s a beautiful day!

What are you doing looking at your phone or computer?

Shut that shit down.

Enjoy the sunlight. 

And if you’re really hard up for links, click here

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Lace and Leather

Newly-obsessed with Stevie Nicks (thanks to attending my second show in under week) I’m combining our coquette summer theme (which fittingly features its own dose of lace) with her song ‘Leather and Lace‘. There’s a compelling story behind how that song came to be, but I won’t spoil it for anyone who might be going to see her live (and absolutely everyone should). I’ll simply post the song here as it’s currently my favorite of her many iconic musical moments, and for once I find the song, and its lyrics, to be more serious and thoughtful than any of my silly words or stories.

Is love so fragile and the heart so hollow?Shatter with words, impossible to followYou’re saying I’m fragile, I try not to beI search only for something I can’t seeI have my own lifeAnd I am stronger than you know
But I carry this feelingWhen you walked into my houseThat you won’t be walking out the doorStill I carry this feelingWhen you walked into my houseThat you won’t be walking out the door

Love songs, at this point in musical history and certainly at this point in my life, are too often riddled with cliches and simplistic notions of romance that don’t usually translate into the messiness of real humans and hearts. Yet still we grasp at them because we know that when love hits, it does defy the messy moments, making the work worth it. When I think back on the life I’ve shared with Andy, it would be an easy take to view him as the leather in the relationship, and me as the lace. Don’t pretend you weren’t thinking and assuming the same thing – it’s a solid take, and based on lots of history and factual evidence. (Hello, I’m wearing lace in this post… and many others, so it’s not a bad assumption, just a little short of encompassing what we might be to each other.)
Lovers forever, face to faceMy city, your mountainsStay with me, stayI need you to love me, I need you todayGive to me your leatherTake from me my lace
You in the moonlightWith your sleepy eyesWould you ever love a woman like me?And you were rightWhen I walked into your houseI knew I’d never want to leave

Most of us are a little leather and little lace in one, and in our relationships with each other we might lean toward one side or the other, but every relationship I know and have been in has found one person assuming both roles at various points. That’s certainly true of my marriage – there are times when each of us has to be stronger because of what the other person might be going through, and such balance is a very good thing. 

Sometimes I’m a strong womanSometimes cold and scared and sometimes I cryBut that time I saw youI knew with you to light my nightsSomehow I would get by
The first time I saw youI knew with you to light my nightsSomehow I would get by

And so we have this sweet love song as we near the end of spring – not the sort of love song to accompany the start of something, but a more resonant and lasting notion of love to embody the potent glowing embers of a love that has survived the wear and tear of decades. Even leather breaks down after all that time, and lace is sometimes better at allowing poisonous winds to travel right through it instead of taking it all in. Which is stronger in the end? Both might be needed to make it through this life’s journey. 

Lovers forever, face to faceMy city, your mountainsStay with me, stayI need you to love me, I need you todayGive to me your leatherTake from me my lace
Lovers forever, face to faceMy city, your mountainsStay with me, stayWell, I need you to love me, I need you todayTo give to me your leatherTake from me my lace

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Strawberry Bounce

The world has gotten entirely too serious for our coquette leanings, and when it threatens to take us all down, I find it best to let loose and put on some ‘Strawberry Bounce’ from Janet Jackson’s under-appreciated ‘Damita Jo’ album. It also provides the opportunity to post a few mouth-watering pictures of the first batch of fresh strawberries that Andy found at Gade Farm. ‘Tis the damn season! And it’s Friday too!!

Let’s have our strawberry silliness.

I like to make it (bounce)You know I’ll make it (bounce)Now can you take it? (Bounce, bounce)Lose control…

I liked strawberries more as a kid than I do now – not that I mind them in the least, I’m simply not quite as enamored. Back then, strawberry was my favorite flavor in the Chocolate/Vanilla/Strawberry trio of a Neapolitan ice cream carton. Whenever given the option of vanilla or chocolate, I would choose strawberry. Turns out I’ve been rejecting binary options my whole life long. 

Gyrate then spin it like a yo-yoSlap the back and jiggle it like Jell-OHoney, if you came for a showI’mma make you lose control…

As for the ‘Strawberry Bounce’ of Damita Jo’s pumping ditty, indulge in these profound lyrics, give in to this sick beat, and hang on to spring like it’s gonna leave next week…

Ooh-wee, babyMy lips as sweet as honeyWhen I put it in your faceGonna make you spend your money, uh-huhCome on or you’re gonna miss itDing-dong, don’t you want to kiss it (lose control)

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Echoes of Orville Peck Nude

This naked Orville Peck montage for Paper magazine, shot and directed by Brett Loudermilk, gets an echo post following the original post of nude Orville Peck pics here. Loudermilk coaxed a scorching series of images from Peck – it’s amazing the majesty that a few well-twisted balloons can conjure, particularly when a naked Peck sits astride them or cradles them in his hand. Summer is about to pop off…

Peck will be providing this year’s summer theme song (to be revealed as always on the first day of summer) which was hinted at in this Coquette Summer Music post. (His will be the secret song listed on that playlist.) Anyway, here are a couple more shots by Loudermilk, well-worth another look-see.

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