Author Archives: Alan Ilagan

Hard as a Rock

Today is the day the granite countertop gets installed, and the last major part of the kitchen is, at long last, implemented. We’ve been in a bit of limbo waiting for the template and the granite to be cut, unable to do any serious cooking yet as the sink is not in, and cleaning dishes proves impossible in our little guest bathroom sink. Still, we’re on schedule, and I’m in the midst of preparing the new curtains and re-upholstering the chairs in the dining room, so a little extra time is welcome.

I’ve purposely refrained from posting any additional photos of the progress, as I’m thinking of waiting until the finished product is complete and doing the big ‘After’ reveal. Of course, I will likely give a few hints before then. And so, the limbo continues – no photos, no Instagrams, no spectacular Hump Day treat. Instead, a quiet nod of ongoing work, perpetual improvement ~ the passing of winter about to get a little easier.

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Story of My Life

If it seems strange that I should post a song by One Direction here, how little you know me. Once upon a time I was a big Boy Band fan – I had a Backstreet Boys calendar before I had an ‘NSync calendar. Old enough to know better, young enough not to care. But none of their songs inspired me like Madonna did. They were fun sing-a-long trifles for car rides or the end of a fling. (‘Bye Bye Bye’.)

Sometimes I wonder if I’ve grown too old to be moved by the magic of a pop song. Would there ever be something that filled me with giddy excitement, pure adrenaline, or the possibility of romance in the thaw of a January night? I don’t know, but it seems to me a song like this is surely forming the backdrop soundtrack for young lovers, for anyone embarking on what is yet to come, and what might one day be. That gives me hope. That makes me want to get in the car and drive with the windows down, seeking the cusp of spring. I hope I never lose that.

As for One Direction, I was never a big fan, but I have to respect anyone who can annoy Taylor Swift like that.

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Soothing Beauty, Calming Art

Whenever I find myself in doubt or trouble, I tend to seek out places of beauty ~ the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum, the Boston Public Library, the US Botanical Gardens, or even a simple greenhouse, where I can breathe in the scent of warm earth, and examine the patterns of orchid petals and the airy foliage of ferns. Beauty has a way of calming the soul. Such was the case when I visited the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston on New Year’s Eve.

At first, I didn’t recall the space. The rotunda, decked out in festive holiday garland and Christmas lights, surrounded a Christmas tree. Crowds were gathering, I assumed for the John Singer Sargent exhibit of watercolors (I would later discover that the first 300 people who showed up that day got in free for some promotional deal.) The space felt familiar, but I still didn’t directly remember being there. In fact, for about an hour I was certain that this was my first time visiting.

It wasn’t until I saw one of my favorite paintings that it all came flooding back: ‘The Painter’s Honeymoon’ by Lord Frederic Leighton. In it, an artist is working on something, while his presumed new wife sits by his side, hand clasped in his. Once upon a time I was a hopeless romantic, and this painting spoke a great many things to me. It told tales of an idealized notion of love, the way we all wish it could be. It whispered longings and hopes and dreams of one day finding that love, of locating such happiness in the arms of another. Yet there were hints of darkness too – the possibly-disengaged gaze of the artist, the perhaps-one-sided adoration and support, the somewhat-tortured aspect of the whole scene. Was she holding him there out of love or obligation? Was he happy to have his hand held or was it tiresome? Did either of them yearn to be somewhere else? Why was he working on his honeymoon? A great work of art posits these question, along with several possible answers, while never giving anything definitively away.

Upon seeing this sculpture, I realized this was my third time at the Museum (oh memory, how you have failed me). The second time I brought two of my friends who were visiting Boston, and there’s a picture of me, with my Structure work pin on my Structure dress shirt before an afternoon shift, making this same quasi-peace-sign with my hand.

Hallway after hallway opened up to more beauty. As the day worn on, and I soaked up more of the artwork, I felt calmer. The worries of family drained away, the concerns of home seemed distant and remote. The very demons that drove me to escape here had dissipated, run off as if singed by the flames of such roaring prettiness.

Below is ‘La Japonaise’ by Monet. It was in the working portion of the museum, behind a wall of glass so visitors could watch the restoration and maintenance process. I almost prefer seeing paintings like this sometimes, as if I were catching a glimpse of the work in its final stages, still on the artist’s easel, not quite ready for display. The moments before are always the moments that matter.

Of course, there’s something to be said for gilded frames and rich red damask walls as well, and once upon a time I would have decorated my entire home in such gaudy splendor (and often did). For now, I’ll leave it to the experts, and the expanse of a space like the MFA.

The embodiment of Air. One last look at a sculpture of Cleopatra at the entrance, then I depart. Down the stone steps, accompanied along the sidewalk by a flock of Canadian geese, their green shit marking the return to the real world, the present, the rumbling train.

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The Real Stars of ‘American Hustle’

When the weather turned dismal and dreary, and rain made walking in Boston a bit of a drag, I stopped in for an early showing of ‘American Hustle’. Despite getting some rave reviews, I was hesitant about it. The 70’s were never quite as glamorous as people always seem to want to make them out to be. Flared collars, polyester, John Travolta? No thanks. But after the first twenty minutes or so (which were almost unbearably dull to me), the story took over, the performances coalesced, and the rest of the ride was pretty impressive.

If I’m going to be completely honest, though, the real stars of the movie were as follows:

Amy Adams’ side-cleavage. Hello halters.

Bradley Cooper’s impossibly-tight perm. Hello poodle.

Christian Bale’s pot belly. Hello piggy.

Jennifer Lawrence’s lip-gloss. Hello sexy.

If any of those entities fails to win an award, it will be robbery. Sheer robbery.

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11 Big Ones

Eleven years ago this month I started www.ALANILAGAN.com. It had about 2 visitors (myself and my webmaster), twenty photos, twenty written works, and a vainglorious ‘About Me’ section overflowing with hubris. Over a decade later, we get a million hits on a good day (two million on one recent great day), and last year we clocked in over 100 million hits in total. Those numbers ring deceptively high, as hits aren’t an accurate gauge on how many people are visiting your site. Unique visitors, however, are – and we now get over 100,000 a month. That’s peanuts for most big-time websites, but for a personal blog about an often-off-putting prick like myself, it’s pretty damn impressive.

Anniversaries are a bigger deal here than they are in real life, mostly because it’s easier to link to the past online than in person. Madonna anniversaries, wedding anniversaries, and big ten-year anniversaries (and their hyped-up spin-off posts) get a lot of the glory, mostly because this is the one area of indulgence wherein I get to look back. So let’s do that for this morning.

While I don’t usually like to do it, sometimes the only way to move forward is by looking back. Examining what worked and what didn’t, what went well, and what went to shit. With an arc of eleven years, it’s easier to see patterns of happiness or distress, moments of melancholy and moments of contentment. Overall, though, even with all the troughs and peaks, you have to admit that I’ve kept things pretty steady, at least on this website – perhaps the only aspect of life over which I have complete control. As such, it is probably one of the purest places to find the truth – at least, as much of the truth that I’m going to reveal to the world at large. And, that’s actually quite a bit.

Thank you – yes, you – for visiting. Not just today, but for any day you’ve taken the time to stop by and peruse the silly antics, man candy, and Madonna moments that I post here not only for my entertainment, but for yours. I used to think that I did this solely for myself, but over the years it’s become more than that, and while we may never be as interactive as some sites, don’t think that I can’t sense you and feel you and appreciate you, out there in the dark. If you want to step out into the light and introduce yourself, you are always welcome to contact me directly at alanilagan1[@]gmail.com.

Happy 11th Anniversary – to us.

 

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The Golden Globes 2014

Torn between the Golden Globes and a new episode of ‘Downton Abbey’ (and in the absence of a DVR), I opted for both. Well, I interrupted the Golden Globes for the new ‘DA’, and all I missed was a crazed-looking Jared Leto (haven’t we all seen that already anyway?) Anyway, here are my bitchy takes on how the evening, and its gowns, unfolded. (BTW, can Tina Fey and Amy Poehler host every awards show from here on out? Pretty please?)

Amy Adams – The side-boob worked in ‘American Hustle’. Set in the 1970’s. Do the math.

Lupita Nyong’o – Stunning in a red cape by Ralph Lauren. (Some of us did a red cape two years ago, but whatever…)

Cate Blanchett – One of my favorite red-carpet ladies makes me wish it was more permissible for men to wear sheer lace. Oh screw it, I’m gonna do it anyway.

Matthew McConaughey– Usually I find tuxedos boring, but that Dolce & Gabbana may have made me a believer.

Wait a second, who is reviewing these fashions? Where is the vitriol?

Sandra Bullock – All you need is circus peanut orange!

Jennifer Lawrence – I love you too much to say what I feel about that dress.

Clearly the person in charge of the seating chart never thought Jacqueline Bisset would win. As for the acceptance speech, all I heard was “Shit. Go to hell.” No, literally – that’s all that the editing allowed through. I loved it!

Whom can I blame for all this side-cleavage? I want names.

Paula Patton – Careful, Ruffles come with ridges.

I missed Jared Leto. Was it really that bad?

Emma Stone – That hair. No

Diane Keaton – Still on the Drag King kick after all these years, but since getting a proper tailor she finally made it work.

 

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Good Evening, Boston

Until we meet again, which may not be for a few weeks, I thank you for providing such a respite in times of trouble (such as kitchen renovations). In so many ways, you are my only home. You were there when I was lonely, and there when I was flush with friends. You were there when I needed silence and stillness, and there when I needed distraction and excitement. You will be there again, too, I’m certain, for whatever needs may arise. Until then, hurry the winter along.

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The Final, and Longest, Stretch of the Kitchen Renovation

If all goes according to schedule and carefully-plotted plan, next week may bring about the completion of our kitchen renovation. I’m not going to tempt fate by predicting it will happen, as there is always room for a delay or two, and I no longer get my hopes up for what might never be, but things are looking tentatively good.

When most people told their tales of warning and woe regarding their own kitchen renovations, they mentioned that the toughest part was the two-week waiting period between when the majority of the kitchen is done, and the time that the counter-top gets installed. That wait, to allow for the granite template to be measured and made, and then for the stone itself to be cut, would be the hardest part. They were right.

Since the sink and dishwasher cannot be hooked up until the counter is in, we are in a holding pattern, and at the mercy of the stone cutters. There is excitement in that, though, and some input allowed as well. After driving to New Jersey to select the perfect piece of granite, I wanted to be sure that the best portion would be featured for the peninsula – the focus of the kitchen and dining room – so we stopped by Empire State Stone to determine where the cuts would be made. I wanted to feature the most striking variation in the stone for that part. I’d never been a big fan of the uniform consistency of some granite, but when I was shown pieces with dramatic veining and interesting gradations, I was a convert.

We walked out to the two slabs of granite we’d selected (Betulare), and a gentleman placed the cardboard template of our countertop over the stone. We moved it around a bit, turned it on its side, and found the best selection that incorporated the most pronounced variations. It’s set to be installed next Wednesday, followed by the backsplash. And then, at long last, the kitchen renovation will be complete. We’re almost there…

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Dawn or Dusk?

Sunrise or Sunset?

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Torn Between Two Lovers, Feeling Like A Fool

There are currently two television programs I’m watching (which is one more than is typical of me) ~ ‘American Horror Story’ and ‘Downton Abbey’. That about sums up my frame of mind, and my pathology in general. Taken together, they are a clash of cultures and sensibilities, and in many ways they couldn’t be more different. Yet I love them both. Such disparate taste makes it difficult for people to peg me, and all of those ‘If you like this, try this…’ Pandora-like recommendations that Amazon and other companies try to sell always fall flat. Just because I like Madonna doesn’t mean I’ll like Kylie Minogue. Most humans are too nuanced and capricious for such grand generalizations.

Occasionally they work: I was introduced to Jo Malone through all my Tom Ford purchases, and it’s been a nice working relationship thus far – nothing serious yet, but I’m open to pursuing something. Mostly, though, I ignore the pre-programmed suggestions. There’s something grotesque about being that predictable. No matter how accurate your algorithms may be, I will always surprise you. Just when you think I’m going to go straight for the new Tom Ford Private Blend, I’ll take an Hermes detour. And just when you think you have me pegged to an Hermes T, I’ll splash on a simple essential oil from Aveda.

As for ‘American Horror Story’ and ‘Downtown Abbey’, I’m quite enjoying the current season of each. The former, in its ‘Coven’ incarnation, is, I believe, enjoying its best season thus far. Jessica Lange and Angela Bassett are chewing up the scenery right and left, and the over-the-top antics (everybody seems to come back from the dead, for better or worse) continually manage to surprise and delight in their sickness. ‘Downton’ on the other hand continues to entrance with its own dichotomous study of the upstairs versus downstairs life at the Abbey. And there we have the duality that has always appealed to me. Like Batman and Wonder Woman, we are always more than one person. Most of us are several. Some, quite a bit more. Don’t make me choose a favorite.

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Christmas Carcass

The best part of not having a Christmas tree this year is not having to take one down. Usually I look around at the Christmas trees on the street at this time of the year with shame and disgrace (because ours often doesn’t get taken down until Valentine’s Day). This year I see them and smile in relief and glee.

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Window Gazing

This weekend, hopefully the last weekend we will be without a kitchen (counting on the fine folks at Empire State Stone to cut the granite and install it in timely fashion), I am making a trip to Boston – the last for a couple of weeks, I think (though that’s always subject to change). I’m still populating posts from tales from my last trip, and that’s good, as this one will likely be less eventful anyway.

The featured photo is a typical night in Boston at this time of the year. Looking out of the window, I can see the twinkling tower of John Hancock, fronted by the Copley Marriott and the Westin at Copley Place. Long-time haunts, all of them – going back to the 90’s – even the 80’s – for memories of my childhood. Along the street, lamps glow, lighting the way for evening walkers. Dirty clumps of snow remain stubbornly in some spots, and they’ll stay there until the next storm or thaw covers or removes them completely.

As of this writing, there are no definite plans for the weekend. I’d like to keep it quiet, fill the hours with reading or letter-writing. A few shopping excursions, of course, maybe a dinner or two out. It’s too early in the winter to go crazy. Too soon to feel so antsy.

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Art of Glass

To be honest (which is the only way I know how to be), I’ve never been a huge fan of Dale Chihuly’s glass sculptures. They always struck me as too Las Vegas-like, a little too colorful and flashy to resonate deeply. But this piece, soaring into the upper reaches of the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston, may have made me a believer. It helps that those particular shades of yellow and green look so stunning against a blue January sky, reminding me of the fresh growth of a garden in the spring.

Besides, of all people, how can I find fault with the colorful and flashy?

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Follow-Up On A Missing Finger

Returning to our table at Shogun, I see Andy snickering and shielding his mouth behind his hand as he whispers, “Wouldn’t it be funny if that was Max?”

“What? Who’s Max?” I ask.

“What are the odds?” he asks in return.

“Who is Max??” I repeat.

“The kid who cut his finger off,” he says with a grin.

I turn around and look at the table behind us. A college-age kid sits before his sushi, a finger on his left hand bandaged in white. I look back at Andy, recalling that neither of us has ever seen the guy who lost part of his finger on a saw in our garage.

“Go ask him!” I exclaim. He shakes his head.

I hop off my chair and approach the table.

“Can I ask you how you hurt your finger?” I say, interrupting his conversation with a young woman.

“Oh, I cut it on a saw…”

“In someone’s garage?” I cut in.

He looks at me quizzically and says yes.

“That was our garage,” I explain, and by that time Andy is already over shaking his hand. And apologizing.

The odds of running into the guy who just cut his finger off while working on your construction project have got to be pretty low, but there we were, shaking hands – the good hand, at least – with that very man. We made some small talk – it turns out everyone knows someone who’s lost a finger – and then left them to their meal.

At the end of it, we bought Max and his date their dinner, figuring it was the least we could do. Hopefully the gods of kitchen karma have been somewhat mollified, and there will be no disembodied fingers haunting the garage.

(PS – Andy made me take the picture – and good-sport Max was game.)

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The Gay Soirée: An Invitation

It will be, quite simply, the hottest social event of the winter season, and you are cordially invited to attend.

Decadent, delightful, and nothing-short-of-divine, prepare for an evening of wild fashion, beautifully-blurred gender, and over-the-top eros – where everyone is welcome and no one is alone. As Norma Desmond once proclaimed over flaming red satin, “Let’s make it gay!” And so we shall… This will be The Gay Soirée.

One month from tonight ~ Saturday, February 8, 2014 ~ at a fabulous venue – The State Room – located at 142 State Street, Albany, NY ~ from 7 to 10 PM, we will return to the deliciously debauched world of the 1930’s, when cabarets spilled over with beautiful bohemians, sexy clientele, and to-die-for fashion. The music was hot, the cocktails were cool, and the guests were glitteringly gay (in any sense of the word).

That same magic will be conjured for The Gay Soirée. Ambiance and atmosphere provided by 1930’s cabaret music from Sonny & Perley, with dance music by DJ Robb Penders. Tickets may be purchased at www.capitalpridecenter.org or by calling 518-462-6138, and are $45 in advance, or $65 on the night of the event. There are also VIP tickets available at $75 which includes a 6 PM VIP Reception (during which complimentary wine will be on hand). All proceeds go directly to The Pride Center of the Capital Region, so you can feel good about feeling good.

Even if I wasn’t the Honorary Chair for this event, this is a party I would most certainly attend. (Since I am, you should see what I’m going to wear.) Get your tickets early so you don’t miss out!

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