A Bittersweet Recap

Monday mornings are usually the time for a recap and look back at the week that came before, and that’s exactly what we’re going to do right now. In the face of the worst shooting in American history, I am going to celebrate the same things I’ve always loved ~ family and friends, love and beauty.

Let’s start with a few flowers, at a time of the year when all they want to do is bloom.

Then there is my family – the people who usually make me feel safe and loved no matter what. My Mom joined me for a Broadway trip to New York, and I finally got around to recapping it.

Sometimes the snow comes down in June.

Portals & perspective.

Some friends are even closer than family, especially when you’ve known them from birth.

A President, a Queen, and going over the Borderline.

(And proof that I don’t love absolutely everything that Madonna does.)

Tea time.

A GLSEN Gala, in the name of Pride, and a bright promise and challenge for the future.

Finally, there is beauty in the male form, and a celebration of our sexuality, in all the Hunks of the Day we’ve featured here. That continues with Aydian Dowling,  Chris Spearman, Ross Worswick, Zachary Gordin, & Richard Hadfield.

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A Heartbreaking End to a Pride High

When our country was attacked on September 11, 2001, and my office was evacuated and sent home, I stepped outside into the brilliant blue-skied day of our backyard and felt haunted. Everything I did suddenly seemed small and insignificant when the scope and atrocity of what had just happened started to sink in. I went back inside and did the only thing I’ve done when nothing else seems to matter: I wrote. To my family, to my friends, to the people who mattered most to me, I wrote. Simple letters, letters telling them how much they meant to me, and how this was the only thing I could think of to do in such a tragic time. I guess that’s what I’m doing now.

This weekend was a celebration of LGBT Pride in many cities across the country. We attended a couple of events, and even in the face of torrential downpours we made an appearance at Albany’s Gay Pride celebration. When it was all done, I looked at Twitter and FaceBook and Instagram, and all I saw was love and happiness and joy. It was a rare and welcome break from political fighting and exposed hatred, the kind of day when all is rainbows and giddiness and smiles. On Sunday, I woke up, still on that Pride high, to the news that a shooter armed with an assault rifle had killed 50 people in a gay nightclub in Orlando. The shooter’s father apparently said that his son was disgusted by the sight of two men kissing. It is now the worst shooting in American history. Think about that. More than Newtown, CT. More than Aurora, CO. More than Columbine, CO.

As I struggle to find meaning in all of this, when clearly there may be none other than simple hatred, I wonder what, if anything, we can do about it. Gun control laws? Insuring that homophobic leaders don’t get elected? Supporting laws that continue to push for equality? Yes to all of that, but for me it begins on a smaller scale.

Whenever something like this happens, the first thing I want to do is hide and retract from the world. To give up on everything that makes me, and others, so happy. That shooter wanted to stop two guys from kissing because he didn’t like it. He would likely find offense at every other post on this site. And though my voice is small and limited, and the shooter is already dead, the best thing I know how to do is write posts like this. He tried to silence us, and so I shout louder.

The world is violent and mercurial – it will have its way with you. We are saved only by love – love for each other and the love that we pour into the art we feel compelled to share: being a parent; being a writer; being a painter; being a friend. We live in a perpetually burning building, and what we must save from it, all the time, is love. ~ Tennessee Williams

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The Madonna Timeline: Song #126 – ‘Act of Contrition’ ~ 1989

{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle, and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released and/or came to prominence in my mind.}

OH MY GOD, I AM HEARTILY SORRY FOR HAVING OFFENDED THEE…

More an act of controversy than contrition, the closing track to Madonna’s otherwise-flawless ‘Like A Prayer’ album had even die-hard fans like myself scurrying for our rosary beads and saying a little prayer to escape the wrath of God Almighty. I’ve already gone into that in excruciating detail, so won’t bother with it again. Instead, let’s get into a very brief analysis, or commentary really, on one of the strangest songs Madonna has ever recorded. (Ok, ‘Cry Baby’? I mean, ‘Autotune Baby‘… Actually, I mean ‘Bye Bye Baby‘…)

With the backing track from ‘Like A Prayer’ playing in reverse, and Prince’s avant-garde guitar licks striding hellaciously forward, it’s Madonna’s rendition of the ‘Act of Contrition’. (She would later employ it to better effect as the opening to ‘Girl Gone Wild’.) Back then, it comprised the bulk of the song, a rather tuneless affair that sounded more like Madonna freestyling her way through a remembered childhood prayer than any carefully-crafted work of song-writing.

At the end, with guitars screeching wildly out of control, Madonna dissolves into histrionic screaming, “I resolve, I reserve, I have a reservation… I have a reservation… What do you mean it’s not in the computer?!?!”

An utterly bizarre ending to one of her most powerful albums, it is somehow courageous in its raw, unpolished, amateur-like lack of grace. Still, the ‘Like A Prayer‘ opus deserved better than that, and ‘Act of Contrition’ was one of the louder thuds in Madonna’s history of atrocious album-enders.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT’S NOT IN THE COMPUTER?!?!?

SONG #126 ~ ‘Act of Contrition’ – 1989

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She’s Got the Best of Me

While it has yet to make the Madonna Timeline, ‘Borderline’ has been resurrected from the deepest vaults of the Madonna oeuvre, thanks to her recent stellar performance of it on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. It would have been difficult to top the first Tonight Show appearance by President Barack Obama, so Madonna managed to perfectly complement the rather dignified proceedings. Three-decades and some change ago, she scored her first Top Ten hit with ‘Borderline’ – and though I was just slightly too young to remember it, it has since become one of my favorite tracks from her debut album. That’s all for the future timeline, however, so let’s not get ahead of ourselves. For now, enjoy this lovely performance of the song, proof that all Madonna needs to do is sing one of her many hits, do a few cute turns around the stage, and bring us all back to the spark that made her so special in the first place. It’s still there. The rebel heart still beats in fine form, and the plucky little girl who only wanted to dance and sing can still elicit rapture. Something tells me she always will.

As for the performance, it was perfection. I know I always say that, but listen to her voice and tell me she doesn’t sound amazing. The girl’s still got it.

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The Dawn of a New Pride

What if we are reaching a point where LGBT Pride is about more than equality?

What if our movement, fought for so long and in such bloody battles, is at a curve that aligns with something much deeper, something that challenges the very bedrock upon which our culture so problematically rests?

Such immense ponderings were brought to thrilling life when my friend Angela D. Ledford gave her opening remarks as Honorary Chair of the GLSEN ‘Alice in Wonderland’ Gala last night. Every now and then something cuts through and changes the way we think about our most fundamental beliefs and systems. Personally, I love that sort of challenge. It makes us better people. Kinder and more compassionate people. It also illuminates where we might go at a time when we have made such great strides, yet still struggle to move forward.

After listening to her remarks, I asked if she would consent to my posting them here, and she graciously agreed. What follows is a thrilling take on what shape Pride might hopefully take in the future. Thank you, Angela, for the possibilities and challenges posited in your words and spirit:

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“This year we celebrate 18 years of ongoing contributions by the NY Capital Region chapter of GLSEN and 25 years as a national organization. GLSEN works to ensure safe schools for all students regardless of sexual orientation and gender identity, and GLSEN – NY Capital region does crucial work with youth situated in 8 counties within the capital region. So I am incredibly honored to be here this evening as honorary chair for this event, which raises money for an lgbt scholarship and the continued work GLSEN does to foster a safe and healthy educational environment.

It is a great privilege to have the opportunity to speak to a room full of people who are united in the cause of justice. Yet it seems we are at a bit of a crossroads. So much of the mainstream lgbt movement has been devoted to marriage equality. So what now? I want to suggest this evening that it is high time we move beyond the “equality agenda.”

The “equality agenda” is alluring. It promises fairness, inclusion, and respectability. However, we live in a markedly inegalitarian society by virtually all empirical measures of human well-being. We are stratified by race, class, gender, sexuality, gender identity, religion, and age, to name the most prominent. And while we have made great strides, this country was not founded upon inclusion. African-Americans, women, and the poor weren’t simply excluded for a period from an otherwise egalitarian system. Rather our exclusion creates the fundamental boundary against which citizenship, liberty, and equality is constructed and upon which our social and political institutions rest. Indeed, race and gender are wholly invented categories that serve to legitimize a maldistribution of power. And capitalism, a crucial player here, cannot flourish without the existence of categories that MARGINALIZE AND OPPRESS MOST TO justify mass incarceration, rape culture, imperialism AND AN extreme concentration of wealth. Inequality and exploitation are woven in to the very fabric of our society, both public and private.

So when we pursue what is called “equality,” the best we can hope for is inclusion in a exploitive system that requires acceptance of dominant social values and mores. We have been told “You can come to the party, but you must aspire to be just like us.” Sadly, this is an assimilationist fiction — the “other” can never really be just like the “us” in that narrative. The system itself is not transformed– some of us are merely permitted to participate more fully in its unequal operations, sparing ourselves from the measure of the harms it inflicts if we agree to be complicit in what it does to other we love. Within the confines of the “equality agenda,” we have been DENIED TRANSFORMATIONAL CHANGE while draped in the vestments of parity and progress.

And it isn’t just marriage equality that leads us to this crossroads, but also the tension within the movement regarding our trans community. Our trans and gender non-conforming community — particularly trans and gender non-conforming youth– are leading the way toward illuminating and throwing into question the very centrality of the sex binary. Through their lives and experiences, they reveal the ways in which gendered expectations serve to legitimize the maldistribution of power and structure so much of our life prospects — what kinds of interests we will pursue, how we comport our bodies, what occupations we will be deemed fit for, what restrooms we can use, the relationships we can imagine AND embark upon, and how safe we can expect to be. Finding themselves on the margin in the equality discussion, they have chosen to explore the liberatory possibilities of the margin, creatively and bravely doing the revolutionary work of liberation that will lead us to a more just and equal society for all.

However, choosing the lifesaving work of liberation often isn’t safe, as we were recently reminded when the mayor marked the massive contributions of LGBT people of color to the ongoing fight for fairness. One woman spoke with great passion about her frustration during GENDA lobbying efforts with the state Senate. She complained that none of the Senate staffers really took her seriously. All they could talk about, she said, was the November elections. As she reminded us, “I don’t know if I or my trans brothers and sisters will even be here in November!” We have much work to do, and it is all the more reason to support the kind of work GLSEN does.

I cannot help but think about Sylvia Rivera, a revolutionary trans activist of the 70’s and 80’s. During a demonstration, someone spat at Sylvia, “You’re disgusting!” To which she replied, “Oh honey, we’re not disgusting, WE’RE REVOLTING!” I have thought of that pronouncement—that rallying cry–so many times over the years. I am drawn to its powerful dual meaning—real change requires revolutionary ideas and revolutionary tactics—none of which is more powerful than being willing to be revolting—to choose the margins as a place of resistance, as a place of rejecting the “normal” and “respectable” as a means to redefine what it is to be fully human. It is time to stop asking for equality and demand liberation.”

~ Angela D. Ledford

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Gay Pride: Albany vs. Boston

 Happy Gay Pride to Albany and Boston! In the pendulum-like swing-act I’ve been forced to perform in the past decade-plus that Albany’s Gay Pride weekend has coincided with Boston’s, this year I’m back in Albany (weather-permitting, of course) and looking forward to the little parade around the park. It’s not really fair to compare the two, so I won’t, but each has proven a valuable reminder of everything that so many people are still fighting for – equality, respect, and, yes, pride. As the years pass, I hear more and more that people are beginning to question whether the notion of Gay Pride is even necessary. I’ve wondered that myself. In an ideal world, I don’t think it would be, but this world is far from ideal, and until that time comes, Pride is a relevant and vital way of remembering, celebrating, and propagating acceptance of people who haven’t always been accepted. I don’t think I’ll reach the point in my lifetime when it’s not needed. Some things should never be forgotten.

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Time for Tea

A break in the last weekday, one spiced with a tree peony that exudes the scent of tea.

Tonight, a party.

The weekend, a celebration of Pride.

These weeks leading up to Summer Proper…

Happiness and hope.

This orange tree peony has been featured here several times. Tucked into an inconspicuous corner, I entertained moving it this year when we found ourselves with more light and room from a chopped-down cherry, but upon further research, and my own experience, it seems the blooms are not borne on stems strong enough to hold them upright. As such, I’ll keep it slightly hidden, and clip the blooms for the magic to work indoors.

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Tonight: A Gala in Wonderland

A party is only as good as the people who populate it.

Tonight, some of the best are assembling at the GLSEN ‘Alice in Wonderland’ Gala to kick off Albany’s Pride weekend. Taking place at the Renaissance Hotel in historic Downtown Albany, this is sure to be an event that gathers a number of wonderful people under one newly-renovated roof. To that end, I’ll be in bold attire with a slightly-formal slant. Yes, there’s a suit jacket, and of course there’s a hat, but neither is traditional of color or shade.

As for the real meaning behind the magnificent madness, GLSEN does some incredible work, and it’s done mostly through their amazing team. Here’s a quick, and certainly not all-inclusive, run-down of this troupe:

Honorary Chair: Angela D. Ledford
Master of Ceremonies: Nathan Lee Graham
Pianist/Dear Friend: Cherrilyn

We are honoring Alison Lattimore, School Librarian in Hudson Falls, Dori McKinney of Albany High, Alex Eleazar of Hawthorne Valley Waldorf School, Jack Lawrence Einstein of Shaker & all our “family” members at WRPI’s HomoRadio (Dr. Ray, Sean McLaughlin, Ryan Smith, David Liebig, Ernie Polcardy, Joe Galu, Tim Ruppert, Ulysses de Armas, et al). 

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Our President & Our Queen

Tonight history will be made when Madonna performs on The Jimmy Fallon Show, and President Barack Obama is the guest. That’s enough to make my head explode, and I cannot wait to see how it unfolds. She’s no longer promoting the magnificent ‘Rebel Heart’ album, or any project of the moment, and this tends to be the time when she does something interesting. (Remember the post-‘Erotica‘/pre-‘Bedtime Stories‘ appearance on David Letterman? Or the Sandra Bernhard pre-‘Like A Prayer‘ flirt-fest? Maybe it’s not the limbo that brings out the be(a)st in her, maybe it’s just David Letterman…) Rumor has it that she’ll be singing a song from her very first album

In celebration of this momentous night, here is a quick look back at some recent Madonna Timeline entries, which is on its way back for the cajillionth time. We are not quite done with her canon just yet (and I hope we never will be).

Are you ready to Jump?

Step into the Spotlight!

Bitch I’m Madonna.

I’ve spent some time as a narcissist.

This masquerade is getting older.

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A Best Friend’s Birthday: Over 40

This space and date is usually reserved for some ridiculous photo of Suzie Ko, given that it’s her birthday. This year I’m switching it up and keeping it brief and simple (and without that infamous wet shot of us walking a mile in our bathing suits). Of course a silly hat photo remains, but that’s the only kind of photo she really takes…

There’s no need to go into our lifelong history together – it’s been well-documented in ways both of us would likely like to forget, and if you’re a regular reader of my nonsense you know that she’s a prominent character in my cast of favorites.

As for what 41 will bring her, I hope it’s more of the same – health, happiness, and a fun-loving family that makes her one of the luckiest people I know.

Happy Birthday Suzie!! Pizza and cake forthcoming!

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Portals & Perspective

Time and space.

Scale and justice.

Pathways and turns.

Corridors and close-calls.

Stories and memories.

Rumors and recollections.

A series of hallways, all leading to—

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The Snow Comes Down In June

The song from which today’s blog post is gleaned brings back bitter memories of a boy who killed himself and left my hometown bereft. I don’t know if people ever really recover from such an unnatural reordering of things. We were all left a little haunted by that, and the ghosts of memory parade differently before everyone. I’m not sure why that opened what was supposed to be a rather innocuous post about this snow-like drift of creeping phlox. That’s what I mean by haunted. It creeps up on you just when you’ve begun to forget.

As for these creeping phlox, they are beacons of the spring, and they burn in wild and ferocious form for just a few short weeks, but what a wonderful show it is. The flowers completely cover all their unremarkable leaves and branches like a carpet of pastels. They come in shades as quiet as this white and as loud as the most obnoxious magenta. In between all sorts of variations exist – from grape taffy to cotton candy to buttery popcorn.

I never grew them because of their short burst of flower power.

I wanted something that would last.

I wanted a boy I used to know to last too, and I wish I’d cherished him and our days together more than I cherish the phlox.

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NYC: A Helluva Town – Part 3

Afternoon Tea at The Plaza is the stuff of history and glamour, of Eloise and elegance. It conjures the ghosts of balls and galas that took place in the Palm Court. In the hallway leading to the Court, photos of Frank Sinatra and Mia Farrow from Truman Capote’s Black and White Ball hang directly across from a framed photo of Marilyn Monroe. These are the memories such storied walls hold. My mother and I slowly walk around, imagining the rustling of fancy skirts and the clinking of crystal.

It is my belated Mother’s Day gift to her, and as we are seated in a comfortable corner nook we nestle in to the surroundings with grateful ease. There is lots of walking to be done in New York, and never enough time for rest, but for the moment we pause and take in the breathtaking scene at hand.

We were both expecting a couple of high-priced petit fours and some fancy tea, but this was a full-bodied meal, presented on a three-tiered wheel that carries all the bang that its hefty buck commands.

The bottom layer was breads and pastries – a delightful scone and muffin combination. The second tier was all dainty sandwiches, and all quite different from one another. Scoff if you must at a finger-sandwich – when there are seven, and each one is a work-of-art in its own right, that’s a lot of damn good food.

At the very top was this gorgeous rendering of decadent desserts. If this was my daily existence, I could stomach living here, right next to Eloise, roaming the hallways, hiding behind velvet curtains, surreptitiously sneaking a bite-sized confection and gleefully enjoying a world of whimsy.

The entire ceremony was a lesson in refinement and taste, and by the end we were both more than satiated. All worries of it being an exercise in restraint and not enough food were more than put to rest.

Our weekend in New York had come to a close, and it felt like we had only just begun. That’s the spell the city manages to cast upon many of us. As much as I want to write it off, I simply can’t. In fact, I’m already looking forward to next year. (And maybe a high summer weekend with Suzie or Chris before then.) Whether it was the food or the shows or the warm comfort of being with my Mom, I’m ready to do it all over again.

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NYC: A Helluva Town – Part 2

A blind choice based on reviews and collective raves, ‘The Humans’ was the second Broadway show we took in on our New York excursion. It turned out to be a good one, albeit fraught with tension and the damning ways in which we live and try to connect and survive in a world largely gone mad. We are our own monsters, it seems.

Far more comforting was the shopping and eating we did along the way and afterward. For a couple of years now, I’ve been a huge fan of Lidia Bastianich, so when choosing a restaurant for a Saturday dinner, I looked no further than Felidia. A thousand tweets later, I cannot tell a lie: I was hoping we’d get a glimpse of that merry matriarch, and it turns out I was closer than I realized.

Upon entering the cozy quarters, I looked upon the sharply-turned-out visage of Lidia’s daughter, whom I recognized from television. Silly and starstruck, I stumbled over my words telling her how much I enjoyed her Mom and her recipes. She said we had just missed her mother and I cursed myself for not getting there early and bellying up to the bar. Lesson learned the delicious way. As for the meal, it was nothing short of exquisite, and they certainly know their way around a proper wine pairing.

We walked back to the hotel in an effort to walk off what we’d just devoured, and to make room for one more meal: afternoon tea at The Plaza…

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