Author Archives: Alan Ilagan

There is far too much anger and sorrow on the internet these days. I count myself among those who may not always help the situation, particularly on my Twitter feed in which I do my best to counter all the awfulness and fact-skewing nonsense out there. This blog has largely steered clear of such stuff, unless something really egregious happens. (If certain bigots would stop fucking with marriage equality then everything would be fine.)

Thankfully there are spaces of warmth and safety, places we can visit without the constant barrage of bad news, hateful comments and miserable trolls. I’m still trying to make this one of those destinations. To that end, here’s a pretty sunset from upstate New York.

Lightly rubbing a crayon over the sheet of construction paper, I concentrate on picking up only the faintest outline of the leaf’s veins. The stronger ones show through, revealing the shadowy image of the inner-workings of this remnant of oak. I don’t know which I like better – the pointy-edged leaves or the rounder ones. Each is beautiful in its own way. The rounded ones have better veining though, giving them the edge.

The school art tasks of fall were the respite I found when feeling homesick or riddled with social anxiety. They were silent activities for the most part, and carried out on solitude – the best kind of task for my frame of mind. The teacher would give instruction, then we’d separate into smaller groups and fend for ourselves with the materials at hand. I liked those moments almost as much as silent reading time (easily my favorite part of elementary school), not only for the creative artistic aspect of the work, but for the safety of being alone. Maybe it’s strange that a boy would feel safer when alone than with a school mate; such was my favored lot in childhood. How close self-possession is to self-obsession. As a child, I was no more obsessed with myself than any other kid was, but I suppose that’s the lot of youth too – thinking only of ourselves to ensure our survival.

Fall saw all the animals scrambling for similar self-preservation. The squirrels and chipmunks have been rounding up their winter stash for weeks. The geese have been making motions of heading south. There is a frantic excitement in the air now that the days have turned over to reveal the full chill of the season. The push and pull of time and tense lends friction to our motion. We have begun the hustle to winter.

Little-known fact: I’ve had a YouTube channel for a few years now. 

I just never really did anything with it. 

A requisite whale watching video. (Yawn.)

A Madonna video from her Rebel Heart Tour stop in Boston (and one featuring her son David’s birthday).

A gratuitous Speedo swim.

A flowing summer caftan.

A pair of boisterous twins.

A cherry tree shedding its blossoms. 

A hint of a new project. 

For some reason, YouTube was, and largely remains, just a frivolous afterthought. As much as it trounces all other social media sites, dwarfing even FaceBook, Twitter and Instagram, I just never liked it much. That was my typical Thoreau-like aversion to present day trends and technology. My niece and nephew, however, shamed me into stepping up my YouTube game when they poked fun at the fact that I only had 40 subscribers. If you have to get schooled by a pair of eight-year-olds, you’re already lagging behind. So, let this be my game attempt at posting more videos and shedding another veil. Now please go and Subscribe to my channel to show my niece and nephew that I did make something out of my life! 

The camera catches things the mirror can’t.

The way we hide.

The way we avert our eyes.

We can trick the mirror because we are the one on the other side.

You can’t trick the camera.

It has its own tricks, to be sure, but its gaze is more penetrating than the mirror.

We have control over what the mirror will reflect.

The camera will see us as it sees fit.

We don’t always like what it sees.

Sometimes, we want the lies that only the mirror can tell.

Because yes, it has two sides.

We can believe the lies.

We want to believe in them.

Life is easier when cradled in a cocoon of untruths.

Laura Argiri once wrote in her magnificent book ‘The God in Flight’, “Growing up is the slow process of learning to tell oneself the truth.”

Forty-three years into this life, I find it may be time to grow the fuck up.

PVRTD

The New Project

NOVEMBER 2018

It feels like October just got here, and already we’re halfway through it. Stop the world, I want to get off. As we barrel toward the release of a new project, and with the holiday season right around the corner, I ask that we pause for a moment to slow things down. Can we bring the lights low for a bit? Calm the tempo? Let me use my deeper seductive voice for this number.

There, that’s better. Fall can get entirely too serious sometimes. Let’s do a quick look-back at the week that just went by and try to sort it all out. Meet me back here later today for a fresh post.

It began with a cozy fall dish of Ghapama. 

The arrival of a new project was heralded by blood & roses. Ominous…

Follow all the antics of the Tiny Threads series here. Go back! Go back!!

Driving into the autumn mist.

A simple potato recipe from Nigella. (If I were a straight man, nah nah nah nah nah…)

Amsterdam Strong. 

The Visible Penis Line (VPL) of Pietro Boselli. 

Scarlet berries are signs of fall. 

Before October goes, some sunny shades of Iris. 

Taps for the angel’s trumpet. 

Simon Dunn’s saucy side. 

Things are about to get very Perverted up in here.

Hunks of the Day included the fine forms of Brandon English, Clément Daguin, Tadd Fujikawa, Christian Stoinev, and Simon Nessman. 

This is the first set of images from my upcoming ‘PVRTD’ project, which is a photo essay that will be captured in book form, as well as within an online album in The Projects page. In the trio of shots shown here you can see the cover shot from the book. The exact nature of this project been shrouded quite intentionally in mystery. The teasers you will see and the promotional madness about to ensue are a straight-forward bait-and-switch tactic, so before that all goes down (and my lace-covered and/or naked ass makes its grand re-appearance) here’s just the slightest inkling of what makes up the actual project. It’s not perverted in the way you may think it is, and though the promo photos may tell a different story, this is one tale you will have to tell for yourself.

“When the times are a crucible, when the air is full of crisis,” she said, “those who are most themselves are the victims.” – Gregory Maguire 

PVRTD: The New Project

Coming November 2018

The Projects Page