Nightmare Redux

The street is steep and lined with a canopy of leafy trees casting shadows and waving slightly in the breeze. A long line of hotels runs for several blocks on both sides – fancy, decent, run-of-the-mill and run-down – all sorts, but I generally stay close to the larger ones. I duck into a Sheraton and walk through the lobby and along the endless hallways of its convention space. A swirling pattern on the carpet adds to my disconcerting journey, and the hallways form a labyrinth so convoluted it is difficult to find my way out.

Eventually, I do. Back on the street the sun is trying to shine through the clouds and the trees. I walk down and pass more hotels, marveling at high high they soar on such an incline. Suddenly I see Andy ahead of me. I call to him but he starts running. I run after him, but he is too fast. He ducks into a hotel and I follow him, then he escapes. Scrambling through more hallways with more patterned carpets, I struggle to find the street again. When I do, I see him just ahead. I call to him again but he hurries away. I know something is wrong because I can usually catch him. Now, I am too slow. He turns around and looks at me, but continues on. I try screaming to no avail.

He reaches a long set of stairs that goes down and down into darkness. I get just a little closer, but he is still so far away. He turns around and looks at me. His sunglasses hide his eyes. I think of how cute it was that he always kept his Ray Bans in a holder attached to the visor of his car, pulling them out whenever the sun got to be too much in the morning on the way to work. I sit down at the top of the stairs and he pauses for a moment. I am crying because I can’t go on chasing someone who doesn’t want to be caught. I can’t see him through my tears. I do not know if he is coming back, or descending on the rest of his journey.

Then I hear a voice. It’s not so much a disembodied voice, but a universal one that comes both from without and within.

“It’s ok,” it says calmly. “It’s ok.” An incantation that soothes a tortured heart.

I wipe my eyes and stand up. Here, on the top of the stairs, it is sunny. I am not in the shadows. I look down for Andy one last time. He stands on the edge of darkness, near the end of the stairs. I cannot tell how far down they go, and I want to pull him back and tell him to stop before he disappears. He is looking up at me, but I can’t see his eyes through the sunglasses, and I don’t know what he is going to do. I turn around and walk back up the hill. I won’t go down with him. With a whimper, the dream ends.

——————————————————————————

I awaken and feel Andy beside me. I reach out to put my hand on his. It is still winter.

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Silent Snow, Healing Snow

It started in the night, as they said it would. Never one to predict or assume anything regarding Mother Nature, I believe it when I see it. This morning, I believed. A thick blanket of snow covered the world, and more was falling silently from the sky. In the front yard, a tall hedge of ‘Steeplechase’ Thuja stood, cradling big fluffy pockets of snow and a multitude of chirping birds. It was a wall of life – the dark green scales of the evergreen still pulsing with suspended cells, backed by the songs of tiny winged creatures. A gorgeous living panoply, buffering our home from the street.

A noisy plow, with its swirling yellow lights, barrels down the road, spraying snow and piling it high on the edge of the driveway. I will ask if Andy needs help with it as the snow-blower can only do so much. Such is winter in the Northeast – and if I were someplace where it was sunny and warm every day, I would miss it. (But I’m not.)

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Faded Roses on a Music Box

A change in the wind, one that arrived just before Thanksgiving, had taken a hold of me. Part of it was giving into the darkness, but there was some other influence I felt. It was not the usual demons that I could battle, the familiar ones I knew, but something other, an antagonistic energy that I’m only just now beginning to see, perhaps coming from within my own house. It felt like I was under attack, but I couldn’t see that then, so I acted out.

I’m a very intuitive person, but sometimes it takes me a while to see larger arcs at work, and to figure out how they are affecting me and why. I’m also quite sensitive (scoff if you must, it’s true) to such subtle pressures, and in the same way a tiny sliver can wreak havoc with an entire body, the slightest ruffle in my relationships with others can result in the biggest kerfuffle. Looking back, I see things now, and only with that awareness can I begin to protect myself.

There will always be darkness at work in the world, but there is goodness too, and if you lead a decent life I believe there are certain protections afforded you to counter any ill-will. After several disturbing dreams, I felt like a couple of protective angels in the form of Andy’s Mom and my grandmother have arrived to intercede and to protect me, no matter how hard some inevitable choices may end up being. First was a dream I had of the former, and second was this feeling I had of the latter.

A waltz was playing on the classical station that Andy always has on in the living room. My ears perked up a bit, recognizing the tune but not immediately placing it, not until a memory comes floating back to me, of my brother and I fitting snugly on my grandmother’s single bed as she sat in a wooden rocking chair, reading to us or regaling us with tales of Peter Rabbit or Greta Garbo (I was equally enthralled by both.) We’d play card games (Bust the Farmer or Snatch the Bundle) on the bed before our parents made us go to sleep, and sometimes we’d wind up the lacquered music box clock adorned with pink roses to hear it play the waltz that was now on the radio.

On the day she died, before we knew she was going to go, I’d stopped by my parents’ house after seeing her. I walked up to the attic to find some of her things, and for a moment I stood looking out over the rolling field that led down to my elementary school, and beyond that to the Mohawk River. Suddenly a few notes of my grandmother’s music box clock played. I hadn’t even noticed it there. I tried to wind it up again but it was broken. Those last few notes hung in the air and I cried.

On this day, a few years later, as the orchestra filled out the same waltz, bringing me back to my grammy and those idyllic evenings before bedtime, I felt a strength and protection that was still present, still resonant in my heart. I went up to the attic in my home, and found the clock that my Mom had given to me after Gram passed. I held it in my hands and looked over its faded roses and rusty hinges.

I’m not usually one given over to such New-Age namby-pamby talk, but once upon a time I was, and I was happy. I think I just lost my way for a while, and let others do the leading. That has never served anyone well, and it’s time to rectify things. I’m lucky to have a little help from above.

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When Dinner is Served

For our first dinner from the new kitchen, we kept it simple. An introductory bowl of Marcona almonds, a plate of Italian meats and flatbread, and a collection of olives was on hand to greet the guests. That was followed by an arugula and shaved fennel salad with a Dijon vinaigrette, and then a dish of baked ziti and a dish of spaghetti with olive oil, garlic, and… sardines. (The latter was supposed to have been anchovies, but I made a mistake at the market. Not of cilantro/parsley proportion, but a mis-step nonetheless. Fortunately, everyone was kind enough to say it was just as good.) No matter, it’s the company that makes the evening.

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Following in Uncle Andy’s Footsteps

We had my family over for dinner this past weekend since they were instrumental in making it happen, and my niece and nephew stole the show. Noah’s current career plan is to be a policeman. He brought his toy plastic gun, and at the end of the night Andy brought out his former cop hat and put it on Noah’s head. It was the cutest thing I’ve seen in a while.

Emi said she wanted to be a policewoman, but I think that might have been a fleeting of-the-moment wish. She was wearing sparkling red shoes out of The Wizard of Oz, and those would not be allowed on the force.

I got some of the best photos yet of these special people, even if Noah did his best to photo-bomb a few.

All in all, it was a nice christening of the new kitchen, which works much better for entertaining now.

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In the Words of Deepak Chopra

“Whatever else we are, no matter how much of a mess we may have made of our lives, it is always possible to tap into the part of the soul that is universal, the infinite field of pure potential, and change the course of our destiny.”

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David Beckham, Naked?

I am so glad I did not sit through any of that football game for this. David Beckham’s supposedly-naked Super Bowl ad, teased and highly-touted here, showed no more than the teaser did. Where was all the promised bulging? Where were the skimpy briefs? He was more naked here, and he had pants on. Oh well, it’s not a bad holding pattern to be caught in boxer briefs.

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Post Super Bowl Sunday Recap

Seeing as how I had nothing to do with the Super Bowl this year, last night proved peacefully quiet. Far more exciting were the events of the last week, in which our kitchen was finally completed. There are Before and After shots, along with a series of how we got from there to here (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, and Part 4). But there were other trifles and odds and ends that made up the last week of January, so let’s get to a brief encapsulation.

First up was the preparation for the hottest social event of the winter season – The Gay Soiree. It’s this Saturday, so be sure to order your tickets and plan your outfit, as I’d love to see you there.

What a guy wants… or used to want.

Troublingly, it was a week of nightmares, one of which I tell about here, and another here, and there were a couple that won’t be written about until I’ve processed them.

Madonna made a splash at the Grammy Awards, and I happened to love every brief minute of it.

The Hunks of the Day were male-model-heavy, with the likes of TR Pescod and Francisco Lachowski, in addition to the might-as-well-be-models like Imran Khan and Blake Skjellerup (as a preview of Olympic sexiness to come).

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Super Bowl No-Show

The blush has gone off my Super Bowl Rose ever since Madonna departed in a blast of smoke after her record-breaking half-time show in 2012. Even last year’s effort by Beyonce couldn’t come close to the show-stopping spectacle that Madonna put on back then. This year Bruno Mars is the biggest name they could produce for the break in football, and since the Patriots aren’t in it, I have no vested interest or reason to watch. (I was never big on commercials, Super Bowl Sunday or otherwise – though I hear Tim Tebow’s is uncannily decent. And there has been that tease that David Beckham will go naked, but who can count on something that miraculous to happen?) Luckily, there is one great benefit to the Super Bowl being on: counter-programming. Of course that constitutes ‘Downton Abbey’ later this evening, but prior to that there will likely be a litany of Lifetime-like movies, romantic comedies, and other fluff that most football fans avoid at all costs. Perfect for a stereotypically-gay guy like myself, who would rather watch an entire weekend of ‘The Golden Girls’ over one single minute of pigskin flying through the air.

Still, it’s fun to recall that Madonna-fueled football-mania of 2012, when I Tebowed and squeezed into a jock strap and cheered on Tom Brady for naught. Maybe I’ll do it again next year, but for now, the quieter ringing of the ‘Downtown Abbey’ is all I want to hear. Wake me when it’s baseball jockstrap season.

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The Poet, In Solitude

Certain Sundays, especially those in the dead of winter, should start slowly and quietly. They demand a quieter awakening, a gentler touch. To that end, I offer no bombast or heated heralding of the break of day. Only this poem by Mary Oliver, from her collection ‘Red Bird.’ It speaks of the delicate unfolding of the heart, like the tissue-paper-wrapped bud of a daffodil crinkling open to reveal its nodding head.

 

I don’t want to live a small life

by Mary Oliver

 

I don’t want to live a small life. Open your eyes,

open your hands. I have just come

from the berry fields, the sun

 

kissing me with its golden mouth all the way

(open your hands) and the wind-winged clouds

following along thinking perhaps I might

 

feed them, but no I carry these heart-shapes

only to you. Look how many how small

but so sweet and maybe the last gift

 

I will ever bring to anyone in this

world of hope and risk, so do.

Look at me. Open your life, open your hands.

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When Smudging Doesn’t Work

Having been visited by several unfriendly dreams in the past week or so, I smudged the entire house a few days ago, but it seems to no avail. Last night I had one of the most frightening nightmares I’ve had in a while. (Yes, even worse than Grandpa Munster.) In this one, I was behind a glass window, watching Andy sit at a table. It looks like an interrogation room, and I try pounding on the glass to have him see me. My hands feel like they’re in slow-motion – so slow that they don’t hit the glass with any thud or force of contact, and so my exertions go unnoticed. I try screaming, but whenever I scream in dreams no sound comes out (until the very end).

I watch him typing and smiling, and I wonder if he’s sending a message to me. I calm down and rest my hand on the glass. If I move very, very slowly it makes contact and rests there. Two men enter from a door behind Andy, but he doesn’t notice, or at least he doesn’t turn around. He continues typing and smiling. One of the men, a college-aged guy with dark, longer, somewhat shaggy hair stands behind Andy and makes motions ridiculing him. It reminds me of the time when someone was saying bad things about Andy behind his back when he didn’t think anyone was listening, and I pound the glass to get Andy’s attention. He does not look up. The other man laughs as the younger guy starts making fun of Andy’s appearance. Then the two start kissing behind his back. Andy is seemingly oblivious, still occasionally typing something, with a wan smile and a distracted look. The young guy points at Andy and laughs – a cruel, wicked, satanic laugh that makes me want to cry. He then starts kissing the older man again.

I look at Andy, sensing danger, but he doesn’t seem fazed. In fact, he doesn’t seem to notice them behind him. I watch him closely, and see him grow old before my eyes. The men behind him laugh more, pointing at him and ridiculing him, and I try to scream but still no sound will come out. I don’t know if they mean him harm, or if it’s harmless fun, but I feel attacked on his behalf, and he doesn’t seem to know. Instead, he grows older. His hair is white, his skin is wrinkled, his eyes slowly close, and his head slumps down. I panic, trying to distract the men behind him, whose laughter and lascivious behavior seem to be draining his life away. The harder I try to pound on the glass, the less sound it makes, and my voice won’t rise above a whisper, no matter how strenuously I try to force a shout or a scream. The laughter of the faceless men is terrifying, and I sink to the ground to try to find a way into the room.

In the wondrous way nightmares and dreams work, I suddenly feel like I wake up, only I’m in a car, riding along some highway in what feels like Maine. I look over and Andy is driving, and he looks like he looks today, maybe a little younger. The relief I feel is overwhelming, and I wipe my tears away. He looks at me, surprised at my crying state, and asks what’s wrong.

‘Nothing’,’ I say. ‘I had a nightmare…’

He looks a little concerned, then continues driving. Green trees rush by the window, and it strikes me as an anomaly – the great majority of my dreams and nightmares are in black-and-white. This small flash of color – the color of life, of green things that fly – is the last thing I remember before waking up for real.

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One Week Away from The Gay Soirée

The hottest event of the winter social scene is just one week from tonight ~ The Gay Soirée. Just in time to stave off the chill and heat up a Saturday evening, it will be a gathering of the most fabulous, most fashionable, most fun, and most gender-bending folks that this city has seen in some time. Everyone is welcome (the ‘Gay’ in the title is a throw-back to its original ‘happy’ definition – as in the ‘Gay Twenties’) and that always makes for the most exciting kind of party.

Funky-formal is the suggested dress code, but anything with a bit of fancy flair will fly. (Personally, I’m injecting a bit of black lace into my ensemble. The Honorary Chair has to do something special, and this time it’s lace. You’ll have to attend to see where it’s incorporated, but you know I like to be cheeky.)

So don your daring bootylicious best, dust off your tux or your fanciest dress, and prepare for an evening of exquisite enchantment to chase the winter blues away. Also, be sure to order your tickets early, as door tickets will come at a higher cost.

The Gay Soirée

Saturday, February 8, 2014 ~ 7 PM

142 State Street, Albany, NY

Advance tickets are available here.

VIP Tickets are available for an additional cost and include a VIP Wine Reception from 6 to 7 PM. 

 

All ticket proceeds go directly to the Capital Pride Center.

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The Big Reveal: Our Kitchen ~ Before & After

Having already droned on about our kitchen adventures (See Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 & Part 4], I see no reason to exert myself further, nor the ears and eyes of what visitors remain here. So, without further ado or build-up, here are the Before and After photos of our new kitchen.

Before

After

Before

After

Before

After

 

Before

After

Before

After

Before

After

After

After

Ever After

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The Kitchen Project ~ Part 4

On the first day of demolition, the walls came tumbling down. What had divided the kitchen and dining room since we purchased our home was gone. I could be working at the dining room table and see clear through to Andy in the family room. People in the kitchen could talk face-to-face with people in the dining room. But while all this was now possible, it wasn’t quite practical at this particular point. Nothing but bare wood, bare joints, and a bare floor was before us. In the first flush of cold winter weather, a sheet of heavy, dusty plastic was all that kept the outside at bay. It was a dismal scene, but we were both so happy with the space and the removal of that wall that we didn’t care. The excitement of that saw us through the first few days. Eating out was a joy, and since the contractors had moved the fridge and microwave into the family room, we were making do in far easier fashion than either of us expected.

Still, it was not without its drawbacks. There was no sink in which to wash dishes, which made many things more difficult. There was no running water, except in our tiny guest bathroom sink, under which it was difficult to fit a tall glass. When the tile floor was installed we had to stay off it for 24 hours, which split the house in two – Andy in his usual family room wing, and I in the living room faction. We could shout to each other and wave, but to cross to either space we needed to walk outside. Normally not a big issue, but at midnight in December? Dicey.

Soon though, sooner that it seemed possible, things came together. The contractors – the amazing crew from Skylands Services – were excellent. Work continued on-schedule and on-budget. When the first cabinet was installed, we could see through to the light at the end of the tunnel. And once all the cabinets were in, and we had the stone supplier measure the template, the end was clearly in sight.

We stopped by Empire State Stone to map out where the main peninsula countertop would be cut from the piece of stone we had selected. On an ice-laden path, on a bright winter day, we stood outside and placed the cardboard template over the granite, incorporating just a bit of the main black veining to peek out from the sink. Andy held one end and I held the other. In tandem, we maneuvered the outline of what we had been waiting to see for months – years, really. One of the staff outlined the placement, and we held up the other counter template, capturing more of the winding variation that Andy favored. Then it was time for more waiting until the stone was cut. Even that seemed to move quicker than we thought. For a brief moment I felt a twinge of sadness that the project was coming to a close. I knew Andy would miss the activity and excitement and daily dose of fun that the contractors provided. He mentioned that on their last days he felt like he was sending off kids to college. But like those moments, it was for the best. We’d been through an enormous upheaval, and had survived. A little battered and war-worn (recall the poor kid who had lost the tip of his finger on a wood saw), and a little tired and displaced (we’re still trying to figure out where things should go), we made it through the wilderness.

From the stark, white cabinets, and cold gray floor to a warm, rich cherry wood and  warm, clay-swirled tile, from a sterile, manufactured formica countertop to a beautifully-grained natural granite, from a boxed-in divided kitchen and dining room to a united, airy, and spacious space, with room enough for two to work at once, our kitchen had undergone a complete transformation.

We had finally taken the wall down. What was once divided was now one, what was once disjointed and claustrophobic was now flowing and open. Some home renovations test and stress a married couple, some bring them closer together. Whatever the outcome, we had a new kitchen ~ a new heart of the home ~ and, maybe, a chance for a bright new beginning.

I pause at the sink, resting my hands on the soft curve of the stone counter. Outside, a layer of snow brightens the backyard, and I peer through the bush where a couple of cardinals sometimes perch and sing. Across the yard, I make out the faint trail of a bunny that bolted across the space a few days ago. A rough wind shakes more snow out of the cherry tree, and I think back to those September days of planning and dreaming. The pool is covered now, blanketed by snow and ice, and the branches of our gardens are bare and stark, but in a few months it will melt away. We’ll see the dark green and brown of life return, like we saw it on the first night we found our home, when the first whisper of spring tickled our ears. On that March evening we walked around the backyard and made out the faint outline of the pool beneath its ragged cover. We made a covenant with our home then, and began a new life together. I close my eyes and make a wish that spring hasten her steps.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

COMING UP NEXT: The Before & After Shots

[See also Part 1, Part 2 & Part 3]
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The Kitchen Project ~ Part 3

We knew we wanted something with heavy graining and variation for our granite countertop, not the usual uniform, igneous patterns that might as well have been man-made. At the granite showroom, we found a few pieces we liked of the Yellow River, but they looked toned down. Far more enchanting was a piece with lots of amber and black – called ‘Betulare’ – that was much deeper and more interesting than what we had been looking at, but maybe it was too bold. I thought for sure that Andy wouldn’t like it, that it would prove too brash and daring for our space. But he wandered over and was just as enamored as I was. Sometimes, even after thirteen years, husbands have a wonderful way of surprising each other. We were advised that their stone suppliers had websites, where we could view the actual slabs online, and then pick out which one we liked. We could then visit the supply site itself to see it in person. For such an investment, I reasoned that it would be worth the drive to New Jersey (little else is).

A few weeks later, I got up long before the sun was out and started the journey to select our granite. I knew Andy didn’t want to make the round-trip with his back, so I loaded some 80’s music into the stereo and made a relatively easy trip down. The pieces we had chosen from the online selection needed to be moved, so while we were waiting the woman who let me in – New Jersey from her thick accent to her fluffy fur vest straight off a Real Housewife – invited me to look around with her at the other pieces. Next to our marked lot of stone stood a more intriguing slab – it was the ‘Betulare’ – and this wondrous piece of granite was from Brazil. A dramatic black vein ran through the middle of it, while blossoms of black specks bloomed along the winding rivers of the granite’s grain. That flow was what most appealed to us, and the variation – striking in its non-repetitive non-pattern – would keep it infinitely interesting. It wasn’t what we had ordered, but it was right next to what we ordered, so I took it as a sign. Our original stone was still being moved as we made our way around the rest of the supply room. Slab after slab of enormous rock stood on their sides, revealing all sorts of granite and other stone. There was a stunning piece that was almost entirely a glossy black, cut through with just a few small lines. I didn’t like it, but thought about sending Andy a photo of it telling him I’d make a slight change in plans. (I wasn’t that mean.)

As we came back to our starting point, the stone had been moved, and I could examine the selection we’d made online. In person, it read much flatter than in photos. The ‘Betulare’ to its side was definitely the better choice. It was what I was first drawn to, and those initial gut instincts are what has saved me many times. I took a few photos of it for Andy and told the woman these were the slabs for the countertop. She marked them, I filled out some paperwork, and was back on the New Jersey Turnpike in less than an hour after I got off. (Well, following some Full-serve gas treatment, the pumper of which was none too pleased when I got out and headed toward the pump myself out of habit.)

With all of our materials ordered and set to be delivered, we scheduled the start with the contractors for December. The holidays would be different this year, and though we knew it would be tough, we forged ahead. A sacrificed Christmas this year would make for a better one next year – and, far more importantly, a stellar spring and summer.

{To be continued…}

[See also Part 1 & Part 2]

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