Deflated Balls, Inflated Jockstraps

First things first: is it ‘SuperBowl‘ or ‘Super Bowl’? I have never been able to determine the correct version. (And you’ll find that it is used both ways in the labyrinth of SuperBowl/Super Bowl entries here. Second, let’s just face the fact: it will never be like it was in 2012. That was the year that Madonna performed at the halftime show. It was the only year I really paid any attention. It was the only SuperBowl that mattered.

But for the bi-coastal match-up and the Buffalo chicken dip (this is the one day a year I make that delicious but rather unhealthy concoction) I will get into the jockstrap fun of the day and post this link-filled rambling in honor of our national pastime. Wait, wrong sport? No matter – jockstraps contain all kinds of balls.

We begin our look back at Super Bowls past with the glorious year that sparked it all: 2012. The Patriots were once again in the game, but more importantly was the fact that Madonna was bringing her special brand of magic to the halftime proceedings. In the weeks leading up to the big game, I boned up on football knowledge with the aid of my brother and some sports-minded friends.

While Madonna’s part in the process was my main motivation in figuring out the pigskin pumptitude that is American football, there were other draws as well, the kind that can be found in any profession that involves physical prowess: hunks.

From Tom Brady and Danny Amedola to Wes Welker (traitor!), Keith Carlos and Cam Newton, the sport had a thick roster of studs who represented the results of working out like your job depended on it. Drew BreesSteve WeatherfordScotty McKnight and these sexy bottoms showed off their physiques, Jon Ryan showed off his gingery locks, Jimmy Garoppolo showed off his sexy smile, but all paled in comparison to what Rob Gronkowski put on display.

The Gronk got naked. The Gronk got nude. The Gronk took it all off and eventually even the other team tried to do it. If only Tom Brady would take note and show off more than his pout, the world would be a better place. (If we’re talking hottest Patriot, however, that honor may go to protein-packing Julian Edelman.) 

In all honesty, though, my interest in this football thing is waning, but I’ll do my best to rally in the face of deflated dreams and the absence of Madonna. This year the New England Patriots face the Seattle Seahawks. In the race for sexiness, it comes down to Rob Gronkowski versus Cooper Helfet, and in this battle of hotness I’ve got to give the edge to Helfet. He’s simply got more hair on his chest. In these parts, that’s the most important game of all. Sorry Gronk. Go peddle your hairless cornflakes elsewhere. In the meantime, let’s see what Katy Perry can do to pay homage to the Queen.

Play ball!

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