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05
December
2010
Tags: General, Madonna, Music
1 comment

The Madonna Timeline: Song #18 ~ ‘Supernatural’

{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle, and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released and/or came to prominence in my mind.}

I wake up with your fragrance and it’s all over me
What cologne do you wear?

The ipod has chosen its first B-side Madonna song in the form of ‘Supernatural’. Thematically, this is more of a Halloween song than a Christmas ditty, but since it arrived in December of 1991, it has the holiday connotation, whether fitting or not. I ordered it from some overseas mail-order company (it was actually a 3 inch CD – the cutest little thing, really.) As the B-side to’Cherish’, it actually was released a year or so prior to when I got around to receiving it.

At this point in my life I was more concerned with fish and Madonna than romance, so the supernatural love story alluded to in the lyrics didn’t impress me much.

You transcendentally imposed yourself upon my bed,
You know you didn’t say very much…

Around this time I had also ordered a batch of live rock, so this song brings me back to the saltwater fish tank that housed a Heniochus and a lionfish, along with three (then two, then none) damsels. It was as exciting and pathetic as it sounds, with much of my world revolving around a closed-off bedroom, Madonna music, and an unruly head of hair that hadn’t discovered the proper products yet.

You’re not demanding for a man, that’s really quite rare
You’e not the least bit obsessed with your hair
You’re not upset when I come home later than ten
For a ghost you’re a very good friend.

I felt estranged from my whole family, isolated and powerless, scared and lonely, and my only outlet was in letters and mix tapes to Suzie, who was spending a year abroad in Denmark. She was one of my only lifelines- she and my friend Ann. Without them, I don’t know what I would have done. The world was closing in around me, and it was a world in which I played no real part. I longed for something else, somewhere that I belonged – another world perhaps – but ‘Supernatural’ was not cutting it for inspiration.

I had such high hopes for this ‘Like A Prayer’ out-take, and it was the first time I realized that some things are better left on the cutting room floor. Not that this song doesn’t have its own Halloween charm, I just couldn’t get into it at the time. It took a few more questionable B-sides before I would truly get it into my head that not every Madonna song is a keeper (‘Goodbye to Innocence’ anyone?)

A ghost baby?
Song #18: ‘Supernatural’ – December 1991
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30
November
2010
Tags: General, Madonna, Music
2 comments

The Madonna Timeline: Song #17 – ‘Don’t Cry For Me Argentina’

{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle, and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released and/or came to prominence in my mind.}

Her voice has never sounded better. Even in the bustling pre-Thanksgiving buzz of Logan Airport, I can hear her clearly over the headphones of my portable CD player (this was 1996). I am about to board a flight to San Diego, my emotional state is shaky at best, but when Madonna is singing one of the most famous Andrew Lloyd Webber show tunes of all time, ‘Don’t Cry For Me Argentina’, I pause to listen. There are storms moving in from the West, but the flight is departing on time. A heavy coat is slung over my arm, and I wish I could leave it in the cold of a Boston November. But I’m getting ahead of myself. The iPod has chosen ‘Don’t Cry For Me Argentina’ as the next selection, and while I was hoping we might get an Evita song at this time of the year, I suddenly feel ill-equipped to fully convey the sad connotations that this song evokes.

It won’t be easy,
You’ll think it strange,
When I try to explain how I feel
That I still need your love after all that I’ve done…

The Fall of 1996 found me living in Boston, and commuting to Waltham for my last semester at Brandeis. I had fallen for a classmate in my Literary Criticism course, and for a brief moment he seemed smitten with me. We shared a love of musicals, the cute guy at the Boston Chipyard, and my impeccable sense of style. We also shared a couple of late-night talks on the telephone, some pleasantly random encounters on campus, and a slight fear of our Literary Criticism professor.

I won’t go into other details here (that’s the ‘You Must Love Me‘ story, and the iPod hasn’t shuffled that way yet), but after a few weeks of flirting, one flat semi-date, and a risky letter laying it all on the line, he was not as enthralled with me as I was with him. And as my pathology has historically shown, it’s the ones who want nothing to do with me that I seem to love the most.

I had to let it happen,
I had to change…

And so, long story short, he broke my heart, in the kindest possible way, but a broken heart is a broken heart and there’s nothing much to be done about it. That November the ‘Evita’ soundtrack was released. It was Madonna in an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical – a gay man’s dream – but while the rest of the Madonna-mad homos celebrated, I tried to heal.

Back in those days, I lived a very organized and regimented life. Chalk it up to my Virgo birth sign, or my parents’ rigid structure – the point was, I had my school life and job and creative outlets strictly planned out, and there was little to no time for an emotional breakdown or messy feelings to muck up the flow. But I had read somewhere that Madonna claimed she allowed herself one day to get over a bad break-up, so the Tuesday that the ‘Evita’ soundtrack came out I designated as that get-over-it day.

Luckily, I did not have classes on Tuesday, so I slept in and putzed around the condo a bit. The day was dim and overcast, but there was no rain. I walked over to Tower Records (again, this was 1996, and it still stood on the corner of Newbury then) and bought the soundtrack.

I vividly recall the press Madonna was getting at the time, especially the one-two knock-out punch of Vanity Fair and Vogue. She was poignant, vulnerable, and poised on the brink of her first comeback following the Sex years. She’d had her first child – a daughter named Lourdes – and she was healing her lifelong hurt of a lost mother and a number of lost loves. In my dismal state I could somehow relate, and suddenly I wanted to be anywhere but where I was.

So I chose freedom,
Running around, trying everything new,
But nothing impressed me at all,
I never expected it to…

The next weekend my cousin’s wedding was taking place in San Diego. It was both exactly what I needed, and the last thing I wanted. A wedding is a wretched place to get over a broken heart, but at our darkest moments most of us turn to family – the people who have no choice but to love us. Or so we hope.

The truth is I never left you,
All through my wild days,
My mad existence…
I kept my promise,
Don’t keep your distance.

In Logan Airport, I took off my winter coat and waited for the plane to board. In my ears I listened to Madonna sing that epic song. Midway across the country, flying over all those square states, a storm appeared to the left of the plane – lightning and thick clouds swirled, and in the dark of night I almost dared God to take all of us down – I was that far gone.

Up in the sky, I felt removed from everything. The seat next to me was empty (are there ever any empty seats anymore?) so I could lie down and nap, and the flight attendants didn’t mind. While the night progressed, I was moving West and turning back time. What could be found in those three hours I was momentarily gaining? Would there be wisdom there, and would that soothe the ache?

Landing in San Diego was a healing moment of its own – the balmy humidity was a salve on the raw coldness I brought from Boston. I hopped in a courtesy van and arrived at the hotel where my family was already going about their wedding business. All except my brother would not be told of my state of mind. I wasn’t even out yet, and the accompanying loneliness and sadness weighed secretly upon me.

I tried to distract myself with the sunniness of San Diego, and the silliness of fashion, finding a tiger-print coat and a maroon ostrich boa in a vintage shop. I asked my brother to take a photo of me walking in a park, head down and countenance downtrodden, and it would become that year’s somber Christmas card. Through it all, I couldn’t shake the feeling of being unloved, and while my head (and my own brother) was telling me that this person was not worth the trouble, my heart would not be quieted – the heart wants what it wants.

At the wedding I talked and laughed with family. There were compliments on my outfits – there would always be compliments on my outfits – and if I had nothing else, I could still look good. I wondered then, if that’s all I had to offer. My lost suitor had been captivated by my clothes – in fact our first conversations revolved around clothing. How could such a superficial thing even compare to what I was feeling on the inside? And what do you do when you’ve built up such a pretty facade, but all anyone wants to do is look?

Such silly ruminations, and such a silly boy I was for feeling so devastated. Perhaps it’s even silly to speak of such things now. Yet these are the things that shaped me into the man I am today, and in so many ways those faults have not been perfectly patched. They run deep, and they run wide, and no matter how far I think I can go, they’re always with me.

And as for fortune and as for fame,
I never invited them in,
Though it seemed to the world
They were all I desired.
They are illusions,
They’re not the solutions
They promised to be
The answer was here all the time,
I love you
And hope you love me…

I didn’t cry for Argentina. I didn’t cry for Madonna and her newborn child and first shot at movie star credibility. I didn’t even cry for the boy who never sat next to me in class again.  I cried for that fact that love would never be easy for me, and that as good as I was at dressing up and making the ladies laugh, I could never be good at love.

In one of the magazine articles of the time, Madonna was talking about how she gained the coveted title role of the movie, and she said something that I grasped as hopeful for my goal of attaining a guy:

“I thought of a line from ‘The Alchemist’ that goes something like, “If you want something bad enough the whole earth conspires to help you get it.””

That’s not true in matters of love, and I think Madonna knows that too.

Have I said too much?
There’s nothing more I can think of to say to you…
But all you have to do is look at me
To know that every word is true.

Song #17: ‘Don’t Cry For Me Argentina’ – November/December 1996

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23
November
2010
Tags: General, Madonna, Music
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The Madonna Timeline: Song #15 ~ ‘Nobody Knows Me’

{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle, and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released and/or came to prominence in my mind.}

I’ve had so many lives since I was a child,
And I realize how many times I’ve died…

The iPod bops along to Madonna’s incendiary ‘American Life’ album from 2003, shuffling over to ‘Nobody Knows Me’, a blippy, vocally-distorted stop/start stilted jolt of a song with a neat little funk-out. I think this will be perhaps best remembered for Madonna’s performance/lip-syncing of it on her Reinvention Tour (summer of 2004), when she strutted across a conveyor belt, doing some crazy-fun half-moon arm gestures.

After seeing the show in NYC, I remember marching along Broadway to my hotel with this song in my head, feeling solidly empowered and like I could take on the world. That’s the best thing about some of Madonna’s songs – they pump you up to the point that you don’t care who is staring at you as you dance (or trip) your way down Broadway.

This is, in my opinion, the only real ‘dance’ song on American Life (prior to remixes), and one of the few ‘lighter’ selections from that brilliantly dark album – in other words, it’s not indicative or representative of the rest of songs, but it is definitely a stand-out track, perhaps because of that.

The big disappointment in the concert version (as seen below), is that Madonna takes out the best part of the song – the quasi-bridge break-down:

I don’t want no lies!
I don’t watch TV!
I don’t waste my time!
Won’t read a magazine…

I’m not that kind of guy
Sometimes I feel shy…
Song #15: ‘Nobody Knows Me’ – Summer 2004
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17
November
2010
Tags: General, Madonna, Music
5 comments

The Madonna Timeline: Song #14 – ‘Frozen’ ~ Winter 1998

{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle, and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released and/or came to prominence in my mind.}

 
You only see what your eyes want to see,
How can life be what you want it to be?
You’re frozen when your heart’s not open…

I had been hoping that the iPod would not choose this song for a while, as it’s one of the most emotional Madonna songs for me – the kind that perfectly aligns with a momentous time in one’s life, that both illuminates and shades that time, becoming a mini-anthem, dirge-like or not, and I cannot hear the song without being somewhat affected and reminded of that moment in my life.

You’re so consumed with how much you get,
You waste your time with hate and regret,
You’re broken when your heart’s not open…

It was the winter of 1998 – January – and I was living in Boston but searching, as always, for a break from where I was. Upstate, friends awaited me in Rochester, New York – and I headed there for a few days of carefree fun to dispel the wickedness of winter. We headed to a club for drinks and dancing, and in the darkness between the flashing lights, I saw him for the first time. A cute guy in overalls and a baseball cap – and a smile that was somehow, and unfathomably, meant for me.

My friend Gina went up to him and introduced us, much to my embarrassment, but he was nice and we talked. I’m not going to lie – when you’re 22 and single, every first meeting carries with it the possibility of being the first time you meet ‘the one’. (When you’re 35 and married, you realize that’s not how life really works.)

He must have known that then, but I did not. We went our own ways at the club for a while, but found our way back together at the end of the night. He wrote his name and number on a cocktail napkin and told me to call him the next day.

I was staying at Gina’s apartment, and when we got home she told me that he was a chef at a new restaurant. The next day we made reservations for dinner there, and he invited us into the kitchen to say hello. We agreed to meet up after his shift.

If I could melt your heart…
We’d never be apart…
Give yourself to me…
You hold the key.

The intervening time between dinner and meeting him is a blur, as is much of those few days. I remember being incredibly nervous until I saw him, as if I could never quite believe he was real, and whenever he was absent (which was most of the time), I felt panicked and desperate and almost manically hopeful. (Attractive traits all around.) I hid this as best as I could. There would be no crazy letters of self-saving ultimatum (not yet anyway – they would come later), and in those first few days I was free to imagine that this was the start of a great romance. That night it certainly felt so.

We went to the Avenue Pub – a local haunt less keen on style and more concerned with cheap, strong drinks. We sat at the bar and I met a few of his friends. At one point his hand rested on my knee – a sign of affection or camaraderie, I wouldn’t ever know – and though I usually cringed at being touched, with him it was all right, it was endearing, and it made me feel like I might be loved. Such a simple gesture, I don’t know how I could allow myself to believe it was so fraught with import, but there you have it. My state of mind. His casual carelessness. Our mutual desire.

Now there’s no point in placing the blame,
And you should know I suffer the same,
If I lose you, my heart will be broken…

I followed him back to his place, a rather lengthy drive through the cold winter darkness. In the dim light of a night that was suddenly filled with falling snow, we kissed and undressed. Shades of silver and gray swam among wrinkled sheets. It was warm next to him, and it was one of the only times I fell asleep without unease next to a man. What followed would do that to me. Not through any act of deliberate cruelty on his part, but in the absence of returned love – the debilitating draining that inevitably befalls unreturned affection.

In the early morning light, a layer of white snow covered the waking world. He got up to take the dogs out. I asked, jokingly, if he was going to wipe the snow off my car. He grinned before closing the door behind him. I dressed quickly in the dark chill of that morning, my body knowing even then that I needed to leave. When he returned, he asked me to stay, but I couldn’t tell if he meant it. Outside, I made the discovery that he had brushed the snow off my car.

For the rest of my stay I will call him daily, to see if he wants to meet up. He will hedge, say yes, then cancel at the last minute. I will sit, showered and dressed, in Gina’s apartment, for the next two nights – even extending my trip with the hope that he would be able to make it, and then when I absolutely had to return to work I made the solitary drive home.

Love is a bird, she needs to fly,
Let all the hurt inside of you die,
You’re broken when your heart’s not open…

Once back in Boston, I had a few phone conversations with him in which he explained that he would have liked to see me, but he just couldn’t schedule it with his busy work week. I understood, and mentioned I would be back in Rochester in a few weeks, so perhaps we could meet then. He agreed, and like a fool I believed, and returned – by bus to Amsterdam, then with my parents’ car to Rochester.

It’s strange, and a little embarrassing, to look back at my actions then, but whenever a sense of shame sneaks over me, I remind myself that I didn’t know any better. I didn’t understand that there were romantic rules of attraction, and to go against these rules meant certain ruin. If I liked someone, I let them know it. I didn’t wait three days to call, or act unavailable. If I was smitten, I didn’t hide it, and if I wanted to see someone, well, I drove six hours to see them.

Like most of the men in my life, I loved him – or thought I loved him – more than he would ever love me. As I get older, it sounds sillier and sillier for someone to say, but at that moment, in that time of my life, it was anything but silly.

On my second, third… fourth trip there, he didn’t even bother to return my calls. I sat in the car and cried, wrenching tears from a writhing shell of a body. In a rare moment of desperation, I called my Mom and simply told her that things weren’t going well. I didn’t give specifics, I just needed to hear her voice.

It was winter, and Madonna was gearing up to release her ‘Ray of Light’ album, leading off with the single ‘Frozen’. The snow fell around me as I returned to my parents’ home, and I shoveled the driveway to keep from going crazy. Walking off into the backyard forest one night, I laid down on the frozen ground, letting the snowflakes tickle and melt upon my face. On a still winter’s night, you can hear them fall – tiny pings and rustling crystals – and if you wait long enough you can join in their frozen mass. I did not wait that night.

If I could melt your heart…
We’d never be apart…
Give yourself to me…
You hold the key.

There would be more tears, and more pain, and more feelings of doubt and insecurity, and always the wondering as to my own worth. I could gain the attention and enthrallment of any number of people – yet the ones I loved the most couldn’t be bothered to love me back. It would be the conundrum that informs my life to this day.

You only see what your eyes want to see,
How can life be what you want it to be?
You’re frozen when your heart’s not open…

As for the song itself, ‘Frozen’ marked Madonna’s masterful move into electronica, by way of Morocco. With its sweepingly majestic Middle Eastern strings and barren drum programming, it melded an icy chill with desert heat – exemplified by a Goth-like video shot in the desert night. The first time I heard it was on one of those obsessive trips to Rochester. Sitting in Gina’s sad little apartment waiting for him to call, I watched as the video came on MTV – and in the tradition of ‘Like A Prayer’, the first time I heard it I didn’t like it immediately. Soon enough, it was one of my favorites – the crux of yearning and learning, obsession and lonely resignation.

If I could melt your heart…
Song #14: ‘Frozen’ ~ Winter 1998
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12
November
2010
Tags: General, Madonna, Music
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The Madonna Timeline: Song #13 – ‘Forbidden Love’

{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle, and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released and/or came to prominence in my mind.}

Once upon a time there was a boy and there was a girl…

Am I the only one who remembers that Madonna had a song called ‘Forbidden Love’ on her 1994 album Bedtime Stories that predates this ‘Forbidden Love’ from her Confessions on a Dance Floor album over ten years later? Regardless of the recycling, the iPod has chosen this ‘Forbidden Love’, and though I have no clear-cut memories of this particular bit of passable-filler, it’s always functioned adequately as a segue into ‘Jump’.

The title is probably the most exciting part of the song, though Madonna does no in-depth follow-through for her gay fans, playing it Romeo-and-Juliet straight. As for the music, this is one of the slower songs from the non-stop action of the Confessions album, reminiscent of some Scissor Sisters work of the same time. Madonna performed the tune admirably on Madonna’s Confessions Tour (right after she climbed down from her mirror-ball cross), but I’m guessing we’ll never hear it again.

Just one kiss, just one touch, just one look, just one love…
Song #13: ‘Forbidden Love’ – 2006
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08
November
2010
Tags: General, Madonna, Music
9 comments

The Madonna Timeline: Song #12 – ‘Over and Over’

{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle, and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released and/or came to prominence in my mind.}

It doesn’t matter who you are,
It’s what you do that takes you far…

Funny that the iPod should choose ‘Over and Over’ at this time – one of my favorite bloggers, Amanda Talar, recently posted a FaceBook memory of Kids Incorporated – which I recall mostly for the fact that Martika sang this very song on the show.

My other memory of the song came a few years later, when Madonna released her non-stop dance remix collection, ‘You Can Dance’, in 1987. God, those synth drum machines sound so 80’s…  where are my neon day-glo leg-warmers? I won’t even mention the elaborate dance routines I worked out to this song’s seven-minute-plus dub version. (Have I embarrassed myself enough? Hey, it was the 80’s, and we all made a lot of mistakes back then.)

As an eleven-year-old boy, the lyrics meant less to me than the catchy hook and beats, but a bit of the sentiment must have gotten through, because as fragile and superficial as some would make me out to be, I’m pretty resilient – and I do get up again, over and over. Determination, ambition, hard work, inspiration, blood, sweat, and tears – I love that this song refuses to give up.

And here’s that exercise-inducing dub version – all seven-plus-minutes of it:

I’m not afraid to say I hear a different beat…
Song #12: ‘Over and Over’ – 1985/1987
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04
November
2010
Tags: Bulge, General, Gratuitous Nudity, Madonna, Music, Underwear
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The Madonna Timeline: Song #11 – ‘Justify My Love’

{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle, and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released and/or came to prominence in my mind.}

I wanna kiss you in Paris,
I wanna hold your hand in Rome,
I wanna make love on a train… cross-country…

 

This came out in December of 1990, and as I was not yet a superfan, I don’t remember much about when the big brouhaha went down. The MTV ban, the Nightline premiere and interview, and video’s commercial release – missed it all. To be honest, I never much liked the song (where exactly is the song?) It seems more of a simple recitation of mildly erotic lyrics set to a mediocre percolating beat, with nary a glimpse of melody. I like songs that have a bit more substance to them.

Of course, ‘Justify’ was all about the video, and it remains a not-that-naughty bit of soft-porn, S&M-tinged pop art that looks rather quaint today. (And features the timelessly hot piece of ass known as Tony Ward, for which the term bubble-butt seems perfectly made.)

(Surely this post deserves a bit of the butt of the man who caught Madonna’s eye – an eye that sometimes favors body over face. It’s nice to see that Mr. Ward still fills out his briefs like nobody’s business.)

I do think the remixes of this song (one of the first times William Orbit worked on her stuff, I believe) are superior to the source material – and the one version I came to enjoy was her performance of the song on The Girlie Show Tour in 1993. (And only the end, when the actual singing began.)

Some have pointed to ‘Justify My Love’ as the seed that resulted in the Sex/Erotica debacle, and that may be true. Personally, I don’t care how sexy you get as long as you have a catchy tune to put it over – for me, ‘Justify’ wasn’t it.

Poor is the man whose pleasures depend on the permission of another.

Song #11: ‘Justify My Love’ – December 1990

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30
October
2010
Tags: General, Madonna, Music
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The Madonna Timeline: Song #10 – ‘Sky Fits Heaven’

{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle, and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released and/or came to prominence in my mind.}

Traveling down this road,
Watching the signs as I go,
I think I’ll follow the sun,
Isn’t everyone just traveling down their own road,
Watching the signs as they go,
I think I’ll follow my heart…

Finally! This is the first Madonna song that the iPod has chosen from her Ray of Light album – my favorite, and in many opinions the best, record she’s ever made. ‘Sky Fits Heaven’ is one of its stellar tracks – for the wondrous traveling images, and the metaphysical musings she proffers.

I can’t say that there is a definitive memory I have of listening to this song (though the whole Ray of Light time period was an emotional one) it’s a welcome reminder that we’re all on this journey, and it is the journey that matters.

This is also a great driving song if you have a long way to go – shifting (some might say jarring) changes in tone, time signature, and style keep it always interesting, while the glorious soaring chorus makes you feel like you’re taking flight, that anything is possible, and the road you’re on is the only road you’ll ever need.

Madonna gave a rousing aerial performance of this song on the Drowned World Tour in 2001 (see below) – where she flew around the stage in the kick-ass Geisha portion of the show. Yes, actual flying – because she can.

It’s a very good place to start.
Song #10: ‘Sky Fits Heaven’ – Spring 1998
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26
October
2010
Tags: General, Madonna, Music
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The Madonna Timeline: Song #9 – ‘Promise To Try’

{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle, and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released and/or came to prominence in my mind.}

Keep your head held high, Ride like the wind,
Never look behind, Life isn’t fair,
That’s what you said, so I try not to care…

Before the specific memories of this song are expounded upon, a brief history of my relationship with Madonna – as fan and admirer – must be written first. The iPod has shuffled to ‘Promise To Try’, from 1989’s ‘Like A Prayer‘ album. It was a non-single, and to be completely honest, I must have skipped quickly past ‘Promise’ when I first heard the album. See, I wasn’t always the superfan I am today. In fact, the cassettes of ‘Like A Virgin‘ and ‘True Blue‘ both originally belonged to my brother. It’s true – I was more of a singles guy back then, and while Madonna is quite possibly the greatest singles artist there was and ever will be, I didn’t bother with her albums much. It’s strange to think of that – and it makes little sense, because hers were the only albums I ever learned inside and out, loving each song, filler or not. So when ‘Like A Prayer’ was released, it was the first full album of hers that I bought myself. And on first listen, I didn’t like it. Not only did I not like it, I was actually offended (scared) when I heard ‘Act of Contrition’. The whispered prayer opening, the blast of electric guitar, and the closing bit of blasphemy – it was all too much for this Catholic altar boy to take, and I thought for sure that God would punish me for even listening to it. Now here’s the bit that makes me sound a little crazy – even for me: so scared was I that God would not be happy with me even having the cassette in my house, I took it outside to the backyard, found a large rock, and was about to smash it to pieces. I lifted the rock over my head, ready to bring it down on the sad little cassette tape, but stopped. I cannot say why, or what prevented me from going through with it.

Maybe it was the memory of innocently dancing around the bedroom to her songs, or maybe I thought there was something holy in that tape itself, but I went back inside and pushed the tape to the very back of my desk drawer, and to the back of my mind.

A couple of hits later (‘Express Yourself’, ‘Vogue’) and I was ready to forgive, so when I heard her Blonde Ambition Tour was being broadcast on HBO, I asked my brother’s friend to record it for me. And it happened all over again – the performance of ‘Like A Prayer’ was just too much, and Catholic guilt and fear rushed to my head. I quickly taped over it.

{Moment of silence}

(Father, forgive me for I have sinned, it has been an eternity since my last confession, and this is my sin: I taped over my recording of Madonna’s only Blonde Ambition broadcast.)

Again, time passed, and a few hits later (I loved ‘I’m Breathless’ cause it was basically a Madonna showtunes album) I was back on board, but I didn’t become a superfan until I heard ‘Promise to Try’ in ‘Truth or Dare‘. To show you that I wasn’t a proper fan just yet, I had no idea what the song was, or where it might be found. (I actually asked for the ‘Truth or Dare‘ soundtrack at one record store.)

And then one night in the Fall of 1991, when insomnia was having its way with me again and adolescent angst was threatening to end my very existence, I thought maybe… just maybe… that song is here somewhere. I found the ‘Like A Prayer’ album and put it into my walkman (yes, walkman – it seems so long ago). I fast-forwarded through ‘Express Yourself’ (okay, I probably listened to some of it) – but I definitely fast-forwarded through ‘Love Song’, and almost all the way to the end of ‘Til Death Do Us Part‘, though I listened to its fade-out, and all of a sudden the piano chords that I knew so well from repeated rentals of ‘Truth or Dare’ rang out, in their entirety and without Madonna’s gravesite voice-over, and I was hearing the plaintive words of a little girl who missed her long-lost mother. In an instant I was a superfan – whose love and passion for all things Madonna would not waver for the next two-plus decades.

Back then, ‘Promise to Try’ became the theme for that lonely Autumn. Suzie had gone away to Denmark, and on every mix tape I made her (and there were many) I included this song at some point. I remember listening to it on my walkman as I raked piles of brown oak leaves in the forest behind our house. The air was bitter, the sky was gray, and I didn’t even want to be – but I listened to Madonna, and there was solace in her longing, hope in her loneliness, and inspiration in her strength.

A somewhat-comical side-note on this song: one of the lines almost made it as my yearbook quote, but wiser heads fortunately prevailed and I did not use one. (Though looking back at the Guns ‘N Roses and Tesla quotes of the time, mine would have held up far better.)

I fought to be so strong,
I guess you knew I was afraid,
You’d go away too…
Song #9: ‘Promise to Try’ – Fall 1991 
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19
October
2010
Tags: General, Madonna, Music
3 comments

The Madonna Timeline: Song #8 – ‘Cherish’

{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle, and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released and/or came to prominence in my mind.}

This is one of my favorite Madonna song memories because it captures a specific period of time when the world was just opening up to me. The year was 1989, and I had just turned fourteen when Madonna released the third single from ‘Like A Prayer’ – ‘Cherish’. To be honest, it wasn’t nearly my favorite song from the album, and the video (though brilliant in hindsight, and the first foray of Herb Ritts into the medium) seemed rather ho-hum, especially after the inflammatory riot of ‘Like A Prayer’ and the S&M-tinged sexiness of ‘Express Yourself’.

To see Madonna frolicking on the beach with a child and some mermen? Tame, if not outright dull. But like all good things, it would grow on me, from the girl-group harmonies of the song to the simple, slow-mo beauty of the video. And what was taking place in my young life at the time was simple, but memorable.

So tired of broken hearts and losing at this game
Before I start this dance, I’ll take a chance
In telling you I want more than just romance…

My Mom took me, my Gram, and my brother up to Maine for a last vacation before school started. We went to the beach, but it was already too cold to go in. We stopped at some of the Kittery outlets, and I remember getting a navy cable-knit sweater for fall. (I was still in my preppy mode but just beginning to break free.) ‘Cherish’ played on the radio, and to this day it’s one of the few Madonna songs that my brother actually liked a bit more than me. At the time, there was something too soft-focus about it – I preferred my pop songs to have a bit more power to them. But like all slow-burners, this one forged its way into my memory.

You are my destiny,
I can’t let go, Baby can’t you see,
Cupid please take your aim at me…

It was the start of my first year of high-school, and I had to attend practices with the Amsterdam Marching Rams. It was ridiculous, insane, and practically dangerous to march with an oboe, but I adamantly refused to learn another instrument, so I strapped a clarinet lyre to the bottom bell and proceeded to practice choking myself with a double reed.

After my eighth grade shenanigans, I wasn’t sure if anyone would even talk to me (that was the year I happily stepped into the villain’s role, so dull and boring was Wilbur H. Lynch Middle School for me). Now, the girls I hurt the most were the only ones I wanted to talk to – and somehow I worked my way, through wit and humor, back into their good graces again.

All the while, ‘Cherish’ bubbled over the radio, and on MTV, but never from my own CD player because I wasn’t obsessed with Madonna right then.

I can’t hide my need for two hearts that bleed with burning love,
That’s the way it’s got to be.
Romeo and Juliet, they never felt this way I bet,
So don’t underestimate my point of view…

I hadn’t lost my heart to any boys yet – in fact, I was still holding out hope that I’d find a girl and settle down with a wife and a home, and a family. I found men attractive (as I had since I was a little boy) but I put those feelings into the recesses of my heart, willing myself to focus on the girls instead, even though it seemed that I was destined to remain in the friendship circle, with no hope of romance.

Cherish is the word I use to remind me of your love…

To be honest, it didn’t bother me much at the time. Somehow I knew I was only meant to be friends with women – that I was better at being friends with women – and it was a safe and comforting thought. (Oddly enough, the drama and trauma I witnessed in many messy boy-meets-girl scenarios seemed more upsetting and depressing than anything I was going through – one of the strange bonuses of flying under the radar as an unknown-even-to-myself gay kid.) And still the chords and yearning chorus of ‘Cherish’ strummed in my head – a wistful unfulfilled longing for something, for someone.

Cherish – give me faith,
Give me joy, my boy,
I will always cherish you…

As September bled into October, ‘Cherish’ peaked on the airwaves, an autumnal call to romance that subliminally fueled the innocence of my adolescence. It was a song that held onto summer, despite all the pushes and pulls of a new school, and a new school year, and the slow awakening of a boy who, despite all direction, was headed on a journey all his own.

Song #8: Cherish ~ October 1989
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11
October
2010
Tags: General, Madonna, Music
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The Madonna Timeline: Song #7 ~ ‘Heartbeat’

{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle, and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released and/or came to prominence in my mind.}

Today the iPod has shifted to the insistent thumping of ‘Heartbeat’ from 2008’s Hard Candy, Madonna’s most recent studio album. This was reminiscent of the 80’s, as much of Hard Candy was, and in the best possible way. Another song without any specific memory, other than driving along Albany Fucking Shaker and blaring it in the car. A filler, indeed, but there’s nothing else I’d rather be filled with.

Madonna performed it on her Sticky & Sweet Tour, in a serviceable, if unmemorable way. (I don’t think I liked the shorts she wore during it.)

See my booty get down, see my booty get down…
Song #7: Heartbeat~ Spring 2008
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06
October
2010
Tags: General, Madonna, Music
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The Madonna Timeline: Song #6 ~ ‘Keep It Together’

{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle, and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released and/or came to prominence in my mind.}

I GOT BROTHERS, I GOT SOME SISTERS TOO

STUCK IN THE MIDDLE, TELL YOU WHAT I’M GONNA DO

GONNA GET OUT OF HERE, I’M GONNA LEAVE THEIS PLACE

SO I CAN FORGET EVERY SINGLE HUNGRY FACE.

Finally, the iPod has reached the magnificent ‘Like A Prayer’ album, albeit it with one of its weaker songs. ‘Keep It Together’ was the last single from the 1989 album, and I have one distinct Boston memory of it. We were in the city staying at the Copley Marriott or the Westin -I can’t remember which (back then they blended into one, and were actually affordable). I was old enough to go off on my own, as was my brother, so we had gone our separate ways. 

I’M TIRED OF SHARING ALL THE HAND-ME-DOWNS,

TO GET ATTENTION I MUST ALWAYS BE THE CLOWN

I WANNA BE DIFFERENT, I WANNA BE ON MY OWN

BUT DADDY SAID LISTEN, YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE A HOME.

It was near the end of winter, and just starting to get warmer. I found myself in the Downtown Crossing/Chinatown area as dusk settled, and it was starting to get dark. There were a few brief moments of panic, when I got a bit turned around, and for a barely-teenage kid that can seem harrowing, but I held it together and kept walking, sure I’d find something familiar, and soon enough I did. 

Back on the T, I arrived at Copley and went into the Copley Mall, all brightly lit and warm with its clay-colored tiles. At the time, there was a card/gift shop where the back of Louis Vuitton now extends. I went in there, browsed the novelties, and ‘Keep It Together’ came on over the radio, filling the store with Madonna. It was the perfect end to the day.

I HIT THE BIG TIME, BUT I STILL GET THE BLUES

EVERYONE’S A STRANGER, CITY LIFE CAN GET TO YOU

PEOPLE CAN BE SO COLD, NEVER WANT TO TURN YOUR BACK

JUST GIVING TO GET SOMETHING, ALWAYS WANTING SOMETHING BACK.

When we returned to Amsterdam from Boston, it was time to head back to school for the long stretch of days to spring and hope. As always, on that first day back I felt a bit homesick for my family, echoing the sentiment of ‘Keep It Together.’

Madonna went on to perform the song as the encore/finale to her Blonde Ambition Tour (which also closed ‘Truth or Dare’) in a ‘Cabaret’-inspired bondage-costumed extravaganza (as outfitted by the great Jean Paul Gaultier).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SWIPQ9NXtI0

WHEN I LOOK BACK ON ALL THE MISERY,

AND ALL THE HEARTACHE THAT THEY BROUGHT TO ME,

I WOULDN’T CHANGE IT FOR ANOTHER CHANCE

CAUSE BLOOD IS THICKER THAN ANY OTHER CIRCUMSTANCE.

Song #5: ‘Keep It Together’ – Winter 1990
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05
October
2010
Tags: Gay, General, Madonna, Music
3 comments

The Night Madonna Saved My Life

{This is a repost of something I wrote in October of 2008, but given the news of late it seems a good time to resurrect it.}

I feel it
It’s coming…

Sixteen years ago I did not have my driver’s license. I was old enough to drive, I just hadn’t gotten around to making it officially legal, mostly because I didn’t care. Still, I loved sneaking out at night when my parents had gone to bed, putting the car in reverse, and starting it as the wheels eased out of the driveway.

That Fall was difficult for me on a number of levels. It’s not worth going into depth about it – it was simply a lonely time, and the onslaught of dreary gray weather did nothing to abate my melancholy. As a cold rain began to come down, I drove out of the small city and onto the back roads of upstate New York.

Rain,  feel it on my fingertips, hear it on my windowpane,
Your love’s coming down like rain,
Wash away my sorrow, take away my pain.

The rain was tearing the leaves from the trees. Dark brown oak leaves were driven down by the wind. The car sped along the messy road. Back in my bedroom, a plastic bag, a large rubber band, and a bottle of sleeping pills awaited my return. A page of Final Exit was marked, its instructions strangely void of emotion, no guidance on what to feel.

I know it’s real, rain is what the thunder brings
For the first time I can hear my heart sing,
Call me a fool but I know I’m not
I’m gonna stand out here on the mountaintop
Until I feel your rain…

The road turned, twisting itself along a line of trees. Rain pelted the windshield, a curtain of falling leaves parted for the car, and my sweaty palms and wet eyes glazed the glass between us. On the radio they were playing an as-yet-unreleased Madonna album, Erotica. I would never get to hear it in its entirety, not if everything went according to plan. It was the one drawback to ending it that night. I could bitterly rejoice at skipping all my homework due the next day, and defiantly put off cleaning my room- add it to the mess I was leaving – but I would not be able to hear the rest of Madonna’s music, not if I left tonight.

Waiting is the hardest thing,
I tell myself if I believe in you, in the dream of you,
with all my heart and all my soul,
that by sheer force of will, I could raise you from the ground,
and without a sound you would appear, and surrender to me, to love.

It was a simple ballad with a simple chord progression and a simple resounding theme of yearning, and if Madonna was having a rough go of it then how could anyone, much less myself, be expected to do any better?
So I decided to wait, at least until the album came out and I could get a proper listen, promising myself that I could always come back to where my head was at and do it right then.

I feel it,
It’s coming,
Your love’s coming down like
Rain.

There would be other attempts at self-annihilation, and there will always be that part of me that sometimes wishes to go away, but for that moment, that night, the simple promise of a Madonna song was enough to bring me to another day.

– Alan Ilagan, 2008

———————————————————————————-

This week I’ve pondered how I made it through, what it was that saved me all those times, and more often than not it was something as simple as a new Madonna album. I made it through the week waiting for that CD, and after dancing around the bedroom to “Deeper and Deeper” I realized that if I could make it through a week, I could make it through a month, and if I could make it through a month, I could last a year, and by then I would be out of high school, and maybe things would be better. And they were.

If you’re contemplating suicide, if you think you just cannot go on, please stop and wait a moment. Think it over for a day, for a week – it is never as bad as you think it is. And I don’t care if it’s Madonna, or Lady Gaga, or Justin Freaking Bieber, find something to hold onto. If you still feel alone, call someone. The Trevor Project is a 24-hour, toll-free suicide hotline for gay youth – there will always be someone there to listen. It may seem silly, but it’s not.

I grew up without The Trevor Project, but on another dark night when the world closed up around me I had the strength to call a local suicide hotline, and as foolish as I felt (and as sure as I was that they knew who my parents were) I poured my heart out to the woman on the other end, and it was all I needed to make it through that night.

There is always someone somewhere willing to listen to you, and though you may feel like there is nothing to live for, you have no idea what the next day or year will bring. Don’t deprive the world of everything you might one day become. You are not alone, so if you need to talk just call The Trevor Project at 866-488-7386.

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02
October
2010
Tags: General, Madonna, Music
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The Madonna Timeline: Song #5 ~ ‘Stay’

{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle, and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released and/or came to prominence in my mind.}

Suddenly the iPod is begging for me to ‘Stay’ – from 1985’s Like A Virgin. Wow, talk about taking it back a few years (or decades in this case). Again, a non-single from those magical Virgin days, and the only memory I have of this is a Boston trip my Mom took me and my brother on, and this cassette just played over and over as we slept in the backseat of the station wagon. Neither my brother nor myself had any clue what a virgin really was, but when the grooves are this good it doesn’t matter.

Don’t be afraid,
It’ gonna be all right,
Cause I know that I can make you love me…

Song #5: Stay ~ Sometime around 1985

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26
September
2010
Tags: General, Madonna, Music
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The Madonna Timeline: Song #4 ~ ‘Future Lovers’

{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle, and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released and/or came to prominence in my mind.}

I’m gonna tell you about love.
Letâ’s forget your life,
Forget your problems, administration, bills, and loans
Come with me…

The iPod seems to be on a Confessions on a Dance Floor trip, selecting ‘Future Lovers’ as the next random song. While this one was never a single, it opened her Confessions Tour in 2006, and as such is embedded in my memory on those how sweaty nights at Madison Square Garden and the TD Banknorth Garden in Boston.

This was probably her greatest concert entrance (no mean feat considering the brilliance of her Blonde Ambition ‘Express Yourself’ opening). Descending in a giant glittering disco ball (okay, not-so-secret behind-the-scenes reveal – she never came down in the ball, it descended and she entered it from below before it opened up). The effect was still spectacular.

When the disco ball opened up like some gorgeous hot-house flower unfurling its magical splendor, there was our Lady of Perpetual Provocation, resplendent in a horsetail top hat and whip, corseted satin and lace, and every bit the ring-leader of another amazing spectacle.

‘Future Lovers’ is a great way to open the show – playing to the die-hard fans who know the non-singles, while being familiar and groove-heavy enough to thrill anyone who didn’t memorize the track listing of the Confessions album. She inserts a bit of Donna Summers’ ‘I Feel Love’ into the live version, and it’s pretty amazing, setting the course for one of her most fun shows.

On a personal note, I saw this with my two favorite people – Andy in Boston and Suzie in New York. I think Suzie’s breasts were leaking as she was still breast-feeding Oona at the time, but she was a trooper and our Madonna concert tradition remained unbroken. As for Andy and Boston, I just remember dancing along with the sweaty masses and loving every minute of it.

In the demonstration of this evidence,
Some have called it religion.
This is not a coincidence.
Would you like to try?
Song #4: Future Lovers ~ Summer 2006
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