Alan Ilagan

Thanks to the succinct and scientifically sound theories of one Stephenson Billings, I am finally coming to terms with the fact that my husband may in fact be GAY. I have never so much as whispered it out loud, but now I’m shouting it from the mountaintop in the hopes that I may save just one marriage out there. Here is the article that Mr. Billings wrote for Christwire.org – the words that brought me into the light, and my husband out of the closet:

Is My Husband GAY? – By Stephenson Billings

Right now in America there are over 2 million couples secretly struggling with homosexuality in their marriages. Are you one of them? Are you having intimacy issues? Are you suspicious about your husband’s late night activities? Or are you oblivious to a problem that could be putting your health and the livelihood of your family at risk? Don’t tell yourself that you’re simply being paranoid without taking a closer look!

Homosexuality can pop up at any time during a long-term relationship. Your spouse may have been experimenting with the “gay” lifestyle even before you met. Maybe he’s just using you as unwitting cover as he seeks playmates in the heterosexual world. For these types, the shame of being “outed” is so great that they will go to extremes to hide their lustful activities, even tricking a woman to marry them to appear normal in society. Sometimes it’s the nervous family who has rushed a young man into marriage out of a fear that his secret will be exposed. For others, homosexuality can appear later in life when men crave some escape from the monotony of careers and home life. Same-sex experimentation is also connected to drug or alcohol abuse. Crystal meth and other narcotics are proven to lower inhibitions and to drive people to take incredible risks to feed their habits.

For the wife unsure about her husband’s proclivities, the most important thing is to first confirm your suspicions. Drawing on the expertise of spiritual and medical professionals, Christwire has put together a list of 15 commonly-accepted characteristics of men struggling with homosexuality within a marriage:

1) Secretive late night use of cellphones and computers
Porn addiction is closely associated with homosexuality and a secretive nature implies he’s trying to hide something from you. Be on the lookout for a man who doesn’t want to web surf or answer phone calls in your presence. Texting is another favorite trick used by adulterers. For the sake of trust, a married couple should share everything, including phone logs, email accounts, chat friends and website histories.

2) Looks at other men in a flirtatious way
When you’re out in public, does he spend too much time looking at other men? Is he fond of winking at people? Does he get visibly upset when someone does not return a compliment about his physical appearance?

3) Feigning attention in church and prayer groups
Have you noticed a lack of interest in spiritual issues? Does it ever seem as if he’s just using church as an excuse to spend time around young men? Does he volunteer to mentor in all-male groups?

4) Overly fastidious about his appearance and the home
Natural men have a certain amount of grit about them. They sweat and they smell. Homosexuals often abhor this sort of thing and will also be incredibly particular about the cleanliness of the home. Does your man tweeze his eyebrows, trim his pubic hairs or use face moisturizers? Is he picky about brand name shampoos? Does he spend more time getting ready for a night out than you do?

5) Gym membership but no interest in sports
Gay men use the gym as a place to socialize and to have secret liaisons in the bathrooms. They like to work out their bodies without the competition of sports play. Afterward, they use the showers and steam rooms to engage in sexual activity beyond the prying eyes of women. If your man returns from the gym too exhausted to talk or have sex, that is a worrisome sign.

6) Clothes that are too tight and too “trendy”
Gay men don’t need words to communicate their availability for sex “hook ups.” They silently broadcast the news by showing off their lean, hard bodies in designer clothing labels. If your husband owns skinny jeans and looks at his buttocks in the mirror or if he wears an inordinate number of small-sized t-shirts, it is probably worthwhile to pay more attention to his private activities.

7) Strange sexual demands
Fetishism is a sign that a man is seeking a harder thrill beyond the normal intimacy of heterosexual relations. The woman may not appeal to the deep desires that are coming to the surface as the marriage drags on. If there is a sudden interest in sodomy, sadomasochism, lubricants, role-play, sex toys or other non-traditional intercourse methods, this is clearly an indication of deep emotional abnormalities.

8 )  More interested in the men than the women in pornographic films
Pornography is a dangerous element in any marriage but there are many Christians who feel watching it does add something to their sexual lives. If you have gone down this road and find that your man perks up at the sight of the men in these sorts of videos, you should be concerned. If he selects films because of specific male actors, this is an obvious sign that he is suffering from a crisis of ego and desire.

9) Travels frequently to big cities or Asia
Some husbands will spend a great deal of money traveling far from home to hide their deplorable same-sex actions. Big cities offer indulgence of every kind. From gay bars and clubs to prostitutes and sex bathhouses, a man seeking encounters can find them easily if he’s so inclined. Is there ever really a good excuse for a husband to visit Thailand or San Francisco without his wife?

10) Too many friendly young male friends
Someone who makes an extra effort to surround themselves with younger men should raise concerns in any community. If this is the case with your husband, ask yourself if he prefers their company to that of women. Do they touch each other or embrace in long hugs? Do they exchange expensive, personal gifts like scarves or cologne?

11) Sassy, sarcastic and ironic around his friends
A man who is secretly engaged in homosexual activity with others may exhibit feminine qualities when they get together in a group. In a sense, he has “let his hair down” and this will be seen in excessive back talk and speaking with one’s hands.

12) Love of pop culture
It’s quite common for young men to enjoy the science fiction end of popular culture, but when your husband becomes overly obsessed with romantic and feminine shows, that is cause for alarm. Gossip websites, Glee and The Golden Girls are three well-documented icons of the gay movement that genuine heterosexual men avoid.

13) Extroverted about his bare chest in public
Does he go shirtless in the back yard or at picnics when other men are around? Does he wear a speedo at the beach? Does it seem like he’s purposely standing right in the middle of a crowd to show off his chest and arm muscles, peppering people with questions about how strong he looks? He may be craving physical affirmation from other men and desperately looking for hints of shared desires in those around him.

14) Sudden heavy drinking
Sometimes people dealing with an unbearable emotional issue like homosexuality will turn to alcohol to hide their distress. Does your man disappear on drinking binges for long hours without answering his cellphone? Is there a strange odor about him when he returns, some strange mix of cigarettes and gel? Does he cry frequently?

15) Ladies, have you dated men in the past who turned out to be gay?
This is an important question to ask yourself when your marriage starts to have problems. Statistics have shown that women who have encountered gay men romantically in the past are the most likely to repeat this mistake in future relationships. If you answered yes, you should ask yourself whether you’re honestly looking for a man or just a shopping companion. Is sharing gossip more important to you than raising children? Ultimately, it’s a question of getting your priorities straight!

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Thank you, Mr. Billings, for helping me to confirm that my husband is in fact GAY. As you state, “the most important thing is to first confirm your suspicions.” But wait, what do I do now? I’m married to a GAY man! This is devastating. I hope you have a follow-up article as to how to solve this problem, because I’m kind of in a bind here. You can’t just open up this flaming can of feather boas and expect him not to put one on. Please post some sort of advice on how to deal with this mess that you have, in essence, created for us. Also, I went to your website, and I have to ask that you please take down all those pictures of shirtless guys – you are not helping my husband’s problem IN THE LEAST when he goes to find spiritual words of anti-gay rhetoric and ends up salivating over hunks in Speedos and bondage gear. Hello, he’s GAY!

There was no way we were going to cut a wedding cake and smash it into each other’s face, so Andy and I opted for cupcakes from our favorite bakery, Sweet Temptations. Half of them were lemon cake, and half were almond – all were as delicious as they were pretty. A cupcake is a joy to behold.

The evening was winding down, and soon we were left with the Cornell Crew sitting around the dining room and reminiscing. Almost all of us were married now, and most had children too, but somehow we were the same group of kids whom I dragged (some might say tricked) into seeing Evita a decade and a half ago.

{Alissa, Kristen, & Kanwar}

{Pat & Suzie}

{Anu, Tommy, Janet, & Pat}

{Brenda & Suzie}

{Alissa & Kristen, both looking glamorous & gorgeous}

{Pat, Suzie, Tommy, Anu, & Josie with the Guest Book}

{Anu & Pat}

{Chris & me}

{My husband & me}

The night was gone in a blur, as most people say of their wedding, but the emotional impact was greater than either of us anticipated. As quickly as it went by, it burned a memory into our hearts, and the love and good-will that was all around us coalesced into something more.

The next morning we held a post-wedding party brunch for those who had traveled to be with us, and after having a scrumptious spread of goodies (including some insanely decadent cookies that Suzie brought from Brooklyn, as well as my first cupcake), we gathered for a few final photos.

It was the perfect ending to a summer of wedding festivities. Now I can relax and enjoy the rest of the season by the pool with my husband. Until our next adventure…

The wedding coat was finally unveiled, indoors to protect it from the rain, and I had the honor of standing beside the woman who sewed it, Marline’s Momma. As can be seen, she did an amazing job, and I owe her more than a few bottles of wine.

With all of the chartreuse and aqua, I wanted something to stand out, so I found this astounding hue, somewhere between fuschia and violet, in dupioni silk, then added a train of ruffled silk and organza roses (each hand-sewn by yours truly), filling in the rest with a ton of tulle.

{Skip is totally jealous, and pissed that he chose to change into that golf shirt.}

{With cousins – Bobby & Kate}

A hug from Marline.

With Jen’s husband Mike.

With stylist Jeff.

With Gin-Gin.

And with Jo-Jo. 

This was easily the most fun item of couture that I have ever worn in my life, and if it wasn’t exactly conducive to walking, it certainly lent itself to photographs (and this is likely not the last time you’ll see it somewhere). It was worn for the briefest of moments, which had always been the plan, and then it was back to our barong tagalog shirts that worked out well with the stifling heat.

The barong tagalog is a traditional Filipino shirt for men, usually worn at formal events such as weddings. It is designed to be light and breathable, successfully serving its purpose on this humid evening. Our flip-flips (mine in lime green, Andy’s in turquoise) matched the color scheme and kept our little piggies cool.

{More family – Erin & Paul with my nephew & niece, Noah and Emi}

{Sherri, Jim, and Maria – Jim is such a ladies man.}

{Rick, Guy & Eric}

{Jo-Jo, Paul, Mom, & Bobby, stepping in as bartender}

{Rob & Jason}

{Dan, Rob, Scott, & Laurie}

{The Cape Crew – Lee, Wally, Carolyn, & Kim}

{The stunning JoAnn MacKinnon, a.k.a. Jo-Jo/Josie/J-Bop/BOOM}

{Crazy, Noreen, & Marline}

As the evening was winding down, there were still cupcakes to be had… so stay tuned.

Final installment of The Wedding Party coming up…

The evening’s enchantment continued as the night sky went dark. Pools of light glowed beneath the tents and on the porch and terrace, candles flickered on the tables, and paper birds danced in mid-air.

{Carolyn & JoAnn}

{Carole & D}

{The infamous Sue Santa Lucia}

{Alissa & Chris}

{My cousins – Michael, Christy, & Megan. We get to see them every year at New Year’s, and other events like weddings.}

{My brother and me}

{More family – Michael, Aunt Sally, Uncle Ding, Mom, me, Andy, Uncle Andy, & Aunt Ann Sadone}

{Still more family – Karl, me, Andy, Andy’s niece Andrea, and Kristie}

{Me with Skip & Alura}

{Maria & Steve}

{Skip & me}

{Sherri (Skip’s way-better half), Marline, & Maria}

{The amazing Jim Sessions, who was my drink bitch for the night}

{Gary & Andy}

Like most married couples on their wedding day, we didn’t get to make much out of the dinner that was served (I didn’t even get to try any of the appetizers), and we only had time to lift a fast forkful or two off of our dinner plates. From what I understand, the food was great, including the cupcakes from Sweet Temptations (which I did get to try, even if it was the next day).

We hadn’t even thought to reserve one of the tables for ourselves, so with most seats occupied, Andy and I made do on the wicker couch on the terrace, overlooking all our friends and family in the main tent. That was our intimate moment of the evening, the two of us stealing a few quick bites of our wedding dinner, watching the laughter of the beloved people in our life.

It was precisely the evening we had hoped it would be – casual and loose and fun. The color theme was chartreuse and Tiffany blue – which is just a fancy way of saying lime green and aqua. I’ve always loved chartreuse, and Andy’s loved the Tiffany blue of some of his favorite cars. They went surprisingly well together.

As the sun went down on the back terrace, sheer curtains fluttered in the warm breeze, framing cream hydrangeas and glowing ivory candles.

The thousand paper cranes I spent the last year making were finally revealed, dangling on the side porch, winding their way along tent poles, and stationed at each place setting.

We wanted the evening to be whimsical and elegant, a momentary jewel, fleeting and transitory like a dream, founded on the wings of paper birds and garland, bathed in green and amethyst light around the glowing mist of a pool.

The heat and humidity were high, but the rain held out until everyone had arrived and the party was in full-swing. At that point it turned into a soaking wet free-for-all, and that was all right too. From tent to tent we ran, little adventures all around, dodging puddles and dripping awnings, some even basking in the wet relief from the heat.

{The guests arriving.}

{The Cape Cod Crew, in full effect.}

{Jen, Michel, & Sherri. Jen took most of these photos, graciously documenting some of our friends and family. Sincere thanks to her (and a couple of bottles to come).}

{Dad talking to our guests.}

{Carol & Gary}

{Lee & Vince}

{Eric & JoAnn}

{Cal & Lorie}

{Doris & Ed}

{Sue & Deb}

{Mary Ellen & Buck}

{Crazy & Momma}

{Joe, Me, Carla, & Missy}

We are very lucky to have such a great group of friends and family. Prior to that night, I’d always been rather nonchalant about the whole wedding reception party. We’d thrown parties before – some of which had quite a few people – but none of them could have prepared me for this one, and I did not expect to be as affected as I was.  As Andy and I sat on the terrace looking out over all the people we knew and loved in the world, I realized what we had accomplished, what our love had created.

To be surrounded by so much love and support, to see everyone in our lives together under one roof – it was a profound moment, and I suddenly understood what all the wedding fuss was about. We will never again have an evening like that, but we will hold the memory of it close to our hearts forever.