Live Blogging of Oscars 2016

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Despite the pallor of racial inequality hanging over the Oscars this year, the truth is that the Oscar ceremony has never been the most politically correct exhibition of our country. Such pop cultural events often mirror the uneasy social stratification currently in heated debate during this politically-charged year. Host Chris Rock will do his best to balance the charges while keeping everybody entertained – a position I don’t envy in the slightest. As for me, I’ll do my best in keeping things light and frivolous and all sorts of snarky, with whatever commentary I can muster on this night of a thousand stars. I’ll be live-blogging my thoughts on the attire of the evening, and whatever else catches my fancy, and I’ll be posting on FaceBook and Twitter as well. Hey, this is my Super Bowl, World Series, and Stanley Cup all rolled into one. (What is the Stanley Cup again?) On with the show…

Velvet on Eddie Redmayne and Henry Cavill. I want to run my hands all over it. The velvet, you gutter-dwellers.

Naomi Watts – a gorgeous gourami, in a good way. (Look it up.)

Rooney Mara – I love it. Lacy, racy, gorgeous, ethereal.

Heidi Klum – They say she can pull anything off. Hopefully she’ll pull those sheer curtains off.

Cate Blanchett – A bit busy, a bit sea-foamy, a bit sparkly, a bit feathery, a bit much, so you know I absolutely adore it.

Rachel McAdams – Bam-Bam! The leg! The side-boob! What a body.

Lady Gaga – Like it or not, nobody right now does fashion architecture better than her.

Jared Leto – I’m torn. So torn. I want to hate it, but I think I love it. It’s something I might even wear it to the Oscars. But that doesn’t make it right.

Dear Kevin Hart – Elton wants his jacket back.

{Technical note: after switching between E! and ABC, Kris Jenner has finally put the final nail in the E! coffin for the night. Bye-bye, E! Lose the losers and I’ll return.}

Kate Winslet – When good people make bad choices. The hair is exquisite. The dress just screams Ursula. Poor unfortunate souls…

Charlize Theron – Luscious in red, and that necklace is where every straight man and gay woman wants to be.

It just dawned on me: Cate Blanchett took over the role of Nicole Kidman as my red carpet heroine a few years ago, and she continues that reign tonight.

Ryan Gosling – White bow tie. Classy. (And the only reason worth I’m mentioning him is for the shirtless link.)

Mark Ruffalo – Blue tux. Another link. Let’s see how many Hunks of the Day will feature in tonight’s telecast.  That’s our cocktail game. When you see a Hunk, take a sip.

Chris Rock is one sharp-dressed host.

Emily Blunt – Love the woman. Hate the dress.

Sam Smith – Continuing the velvet tux theme. (And wretched Bond song tradition as well.)

Hello again Henry Cavill… is anyone else nervous about thinning hair?

Did Alicia Vikander parachute into the ceremony? Because I think it got caught on her body.

Half of the people on my social media feeds are infuriated by Stacey Dash. The other half is asking “Who the hell is Stacey Dash?”

Jenny Beavan. YOU ARE A COSTUME DESIGNER. My head is… imploding… MALFUNCTION. MALFUNCTION!!! MAL…. #$%^&*. OMG – there’s a fucking skull on the back of it all…

Seriously, not going to recover from that for a while. (And the photo does not even do it the injustice it deserves.)

Oh look, a bear!

All these ‘Mad Max’ winners – did they help make the film or were they extras?

Kate Capshaw – Gothic Annie Hall by way of Tim Burton! Genius. (And BANGS.)

You know things are getting dull when I’m focusing on audience shots more than anything else. I also need something to eat. An apple sounds like a good choice. Maybe an orange. Nah, apple. Hey, you don’t get more exciting than live-blogging!

Dev Patel – When you fix your hair as you’re walking onto the stage, that’s what happens. Not pretty.

I’m bored. My mind is on Tom Ford, and the very strong possibility that the new ‘Soleil Blanc’ will be my summer fragrance.

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but perhaps Sofia Vergara should have gone easy on the body glitter.

Hey Joe Biden, who are you wearing?

Well now I can’t make any Lady Gaga jokes.

Is Best Original Song the biggest upset of the evening?

Yes, Leonardo DiCaprio was a Hunk of the Day. (And shout out to Tom Hardy!)

It’s past midnight. I have to be up for work in six hours. Good night. (And don’t bother me tomorrow.)

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