Category Archives: Literature

October by Hawthorne

Nobody captures the enchantment and mystery of autumn better than Nathaniel Hawthorne. This will be a short but sweet entry into the exact middle of the week. Mastering an economy of words is the sign of a powerful writer. 

There is no season when such pleasant and sunny spots may be lighted on, and produce so pleasant an effect on the feelings, as now in October. The sunshine is particularly genial…. It seems to be of a kindly and homely nature. And the green grass, strewn with a few withered leaves, looks the more green and beautiful for them. In summer or spring, Nature is farther from one’s sympathies. ~Nathaniel Hawthorne

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Summer Read: ‘Lie With Me’ by Philippe Besson

It’s summer, and the time for reading is at hand. Some years I tend to dive deep into a sprawling classic – like ‘David Copperfield’ or ‘Moby Dick’ – while others are spent with lighter fare – all those summer Harry Potter releases – though I like when things fall somewhere in-between it all. (See ‘The Summer That Melted Everything‘ or ‘The Whale: A Love Story’.) This year I started with ‘Lie With Me’ by Philippe Besson. Originally written in French, it was translated by Molly Ringwald of all people. (Who knew she had so many talents? I’m still getting over her surprisingly decent collection of jazz standards.) Mssr. Besson tells a tale of teenage same-sex love, and how it shapes and creates two young men, not unlike the fertile ground that blossomed ‘Call Me By Your Name’ (Andre Aciman is actually one of the writers tapped to give a blurb of praise on the back cover). Even better than praise is some of the writing itself, so enough of my babble. Here’s the real deal.

“This is important: he sees me in a certain way, a way he will never deviate from. In the end, love was only possible because he saw me not as who I was, but as the person I would become.” ~ Philippe Besson 

“It’s hard to know what he’s thinking. It’s an elegant way of suggesting that his father isn’t affectionate, tender, or reassuring, that he remains aloof, that what he offers is a mix of reserve and unspoken pride for his son. I know what that’s like, to be the son of a man like that. I wonder if it’s cold fathers who make the sensitive sons.” ~ Philippe Besson 

“There is the insanity of not being able to be seen together. An insanity that is aggravated in this case by the unprecedented situation of finding ourselves in the middle of a crowd and having to act like strangers. It seems crazy not to be able to show our happiness. Such an impoverished word. Others have this right, and they exercise it freely. Sharing their happiness makes them even more happy, makes them expand with joy. But we’re left stunted, compromised, by the burden of having to always lie and censor ourselves.

This passion that can’t be talked about, that has to be concealed, gives way to the terrible question: if it isn’t talked about, how can one know that it really exists? One day, when it’s over, when it finally comes to an end, no one will be able to attest to what took place.” ~ Philippe Besson

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The Little Prince

“I have suffered too much grief in setting down these memories. Six years have already passed since my friend went away from me, with his sheep. If I try to describe him here, it is to make sure that I shall not forget him. To forget a friend is sad. Not everyone has had a friend. And if I forget him, I may become like the grown-ups who are no longer interested in anything but figures…” ~ Antoine De Saint-Exupery, ‘The Little Prince’

Speaking of princes, that book that we “traded” for the copy that Suzie’s brother had was never even read by us. ‘The Little Prince’ would stay on our bookshelf for years, untouched with pages unturned, and I didn’t return to it until Suzie loaned me her version – a much nicer hardcover edition with pictures, as originally published. In preparation for an upcoming project, I opened it and read the story for the first time. All these years later, I was brought back to childhood – to the wonder and amazement of reading a classic story for the first time. (I also have a costume idea for a future party, because this little Prince has a sense of fashion that is elegant, refined, and just the slightest bit whimsical. The coat pictured here is divinity in progress. I just need to find the wizard who can make one. All able thread magicians are encouraged to contact me. Looking at you, Christian Siriano.)

“If someone loves a flower, of which just one single blossom grows in all the millions and millions of stars, it is enough to make him happy just to look at the stars. He can say to himself: ‘Somewhere, my flower is there…’ But if the sheep eats the flower, in one moment all his stars will be darkened… And you think that is not important!”

He could not say anything more. His words were choked by sobbing…

I did not know what to say to him. I felt awkward and blundering. I did not know how I could reach him, where I could overtake him and go on hand in hand with him once more.

It is such a secret place, the land of tears. ~ Antoine De Saint-Exupery, ‘The Little Prince’

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Friends & Lovers

Whatever came of Gay Lit? It’s been ages since I’ve had the luxury of lazily browsing a bookstore, but I can’t remember the last time I saw a section on Gay Literature. In the 90’s they seemed to be everywhere. Hell, there were entire Gay Bookstores (shout out to ‘We Think The World of You’ in the South End of Boston!) These days, for better or worse, our work seems to have assimilated into the general categories of Fiction or Non-fiction, but rather than getting into some deep analysis of what that might mean to the LGBTQIA world, I’m simply going to offer a reading suggestion which brings us even further back in time to the 1960’s. By the great Edmund White, ‘Jack Holmes & His Friend’ is a look at a gay man’s life during the last half of the 20thcentury. I won’t give much more away; Mr. White has a better grasp of words than I ever could. He gets into what it might have been like for a gay man at that time, how subtle notions of masculinity were both desired and problematic, and ways in which we tried to escape.

“Either you were off everyone’s radar and flying solo, undetectable, or you registered with them and suffered the consequences – you became a character, a type, which was fine except it felt limiting. What he wanted and needed was a buddy, a guy his own age, a masculine guy who didn’t look at you penetratingly and size you up. A buddy who would share with you his interest in books or old movies or fine sports writing. Yeah, you’d catch sight of your buddy out of the corner of your eye as the two of you headed out into the night, collars turned up against the cold and shoulders bumping. Someone who didn’t stare at you and who could watch TV with you and make just the occasion wry comment while nursing a beer. Someone who made you feel like a minor adjective, not a major noun.”

~ Edmund White, ‘Jack Holmes & His Friend’

“I thought about how much work it must be to be the life of the party, even if the party was just three or four friends.”

“He knew he couldn’t indulge his despair even for an hour or the perpetual-motion machine would freeze; he’d never escape the stasis of depression.” ~ Edmund White, ‘Jack Holmes & His Friend’

“I tried to collect my thoughts: It’s true that a gay friend is different, maybe better, because he’s not a rival. He’s not part of the whole dismal system. He’s not one more pussy-whipped churchgoer who’s learned to keep his head, the big head and the little one, in check. Everyone thinks gay guys are sissies and mama’s boys, but they’re actually people who’ve chosen their sexuality over all the comforts of home. They’re bravely obsessional – but at a price.“ ~ Edmund White, ‘Jack Holmes & His Friend’

“There were so few safe ritual male topics available to us that we ended up saying things that were real and personal.” ~ Edmund White, ‘Jack Holmes & His Friend’

He’s one of the rare people I know who genuinely prefer their own company…” ~ Edmund White, ‘Jack Holmes & His Friend’

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Summer Reading 2018: ‘The Summer That Melted Everything’

It’s been a while since I’ve been this excited about a book, but Tiffany McDaniel’s ‘The Summer That Melted Everything’ is going to be a favorite for years to come, with pages already dog-eared for all the passages I want and need to remember. Even better, it’s a timely summer read, and, like certain songs, there’s something about the summer that makes it mean a little bit more.

“Why, upon hearing the word devil, did I just imagine the monster? Why did I fail to see a lake? A flower growing by that lake? A mantis praying on the very top of a rock? A foolish mistake, it is, to expect the beast, because sometimes, sometimes, it is the flower’s turn to own the name.” ~ Tiffany McDaniel

The summer of 1984 finds a small Ohio town besieged by both a heat wave and a little boy portending to be the devil. Such is the start of this exquisite novel, which and the promise of a powerful summer read is suddenly fulfilled. Reminiscent of ‘To Kill A Mockingbird‘ in the best possible ways, this is an updated take on morality and humanity, one that posits the impossible questions of what makes a person good and what truly constitutes evil. In addition to that eternal power play, there is McDaniel’s uncanny use of time, as she weaves tales within tales, shifting perspective and time frame in a way that never feels jarring. Even the smallest fragments of fables – such as the brief recounting of what the devil himself may have seen over his years – are powerful ruminations on what the world does to us, and what we in turn do to each other.

“I was once told writing in a journal could help me. Something about putting the pain on the page. So I got one and finished it in a day. I looked back to see what I’d written. Nothing but little lines, swooping and curving. Not one word. And yet didn’t it say everything? The way their smiles did? All the dark, all the hurt, scooped up, carried by curve.” ~ Tiffany McDaniel

I’m not going to delve into any more specifics about plotline or character, because it’s so much better if you read it yourself and enjoy each and every revelation. Then be sure to spread the good word. McDaniel says everything better than I ever could, so I’ll leave you with one of my favorite passages:

“Being the devil made him a target, but it also meant he had a power he didn’t have when he was just a boy. People looked at him, listened to what he said. Being the devil made him important. Made him visible. And isn’t that the biggest tragedy of all? When a boy has to be the devil to be significant?” ~ Tiffany McDaniel

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The Wonder of ‘Lily and the Octopus’ by Steven Rowley

If you’re looking for a good book to see you through this last stretch of winter, dive into ‘Lily and the Octopus’ by Steven Rowley. A work of heartbreaking beauty and love, this is much more than a story of a man and his dog – it’s a moving treatise on how we deal with loss.

Opening with a discussion on the various merits of the Ryans (Reynolds, Gosling, but not Phillippe), the Matts (Bomer and Damon), the Toms (Brady and Hardy), and the Chrises (Evans, Pine, Pratt and Hemsworth), it’s a veritable greatest hits of hunks, and an enthralling way to begin. This is no ordinary tale, filled as it is with whimsy and wit. Soon, we discover that Lily is a dachshund, Ted Flask is her adoring owner, and the octopus is an unwelcome visitor about to wreak the worst kind of havoc in their companionship.

While odd for some non-animal-lovers (Rowley anthropomorphizes Lily to such an extent that she plays board games, talks about guys, and even mans the steering wheel of a ship), for anyone who’s enjoyed the love and adoration of a pet, it’s not such a far cry from the truth. There are deeper layers of meaning at work here, particularly in the dream scenes, and an over-the-top voyage that strongly echoes the fight against one’s own nature in ‘Moby Dick’. More impressive than that, however, is the exploration of the gradual acceptance of grief for love lost. This encompasses all kinds of love – romantic, familial, unrequited and unconditional – and what happens when it ends, for whatever reason.

‘Lily and the Octopus’ reminds us that sometimes we need to break down, that it’s ok to cry, and if you love someone with all your heart, that love doesn’t ever really go away.

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A Winter Poem

THE SNOW-STORM
By Ralph Waldo Emerson
Announced by all the trumpets of the sky,
Arrives the snow, and, driving o’er the fields,
Seems nowhere to alight: the whited air
Hides hills and woods, the river, and the heaven,
And veils the farm-house at the garden’s end.
The sled and traveller stopped, the courier’s feet
Delayed, all friends shut out, the housemates sit
Around the radiant fireplace, enclosed
In a tumultuous privacy of storm.
Come see the north wind’s masonry.
Out of an unseen quarry evermore
Furnished with tile, the fierce artificer
Curves his white bastions with projected roof
Round every windward stake, or tree, or door.
Speeding, the myriad-handed, his wild work
So fanciful, so savage, nought cares he
For number or proportion. Mockingly,
On coop or kennel he hangs Parian wreaths;
A swan-like form invests the hidden thorn;
Fills up the farmer’s lane from wall to wall,
Maugre the farmer’s sighs; and, at the gate,
A tapering turret overtops the work.
And when his hours are numbered, and the world
Is all his own, retiring, as he were not,
Leaves, when the sun appears, astonished Art
To mimic in slow structures, stone by stone,
Built in an age, the mad wind’s night-work,
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A Fall Poem by Mary Oliver

Lines Written in the Days of Growing Darkness

Every year we have been
witness to it: how the
world descends
into a rich mash, in order that
it may resume.
And therefore
who would cry out

to the petals on the ground
to stay,
knowing, as we must,
how the vivacity of what was is married

to the vitality of what will be?
I don’t say
it’s easy, but
what else will do

if the love one claims to have for the world
be true?
So let us go on

though the sun be swinging east,
and the ponds be cold and black,
and the sweets of the year be doomed.

— Mary Oliver

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The Place I Want to Get Back To

“The Place I Want to Get Back To” by Mary Oliver

The place I want to get back to
is where
in the pinewoods
in the moments between
the darkness
and first light
two deer
came walking down the hill
and when they saw me
they said to each other, okay,
this one is okay,
let’s see who she is
and why she is sitting
on the ground like that,
so quiet, as if
asleep, or in a dream,
but, anyway, harmless;
and so they came
on their slender legs
and gazed upon me
not unlike the way
I go out to the dunes and look
and look and look
into the faces of the flowers;
and then one of them leaned forward
and nuzzled my hand, and what can my life
bring to me that could exceed
that brief moment?
For twenty years
I have gone every day to the same woods,
not waiting, exactly, just lingering.
Such gifts, bestowed,
can’t be repeated.
If you want to talk about this
come to visit. I live in the house
near the corner, which I have named
Gratitude.

~ Mary Oliver

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My First ‘Porn’ Review

When the title of a memoir is “Porn Again” and the cover depicts the author holding a cock with both hands, one expects a cheeky and salacious romp. What one gets in Josh Sabarra’s case is a whole lot more. There are hot moments to be had for sure, but what lingers after the heat is the layered depth of a Hollywood success story, from a kid who felt like a chubby, queer outsider and who willfully turned himself into something beautiful. The journey of finding out what true beauty is forms the core of his memoir, and the roller coaster ride it took to get there is only partially superficial.

Originally intended as a lightweight summer-read for my beach vacation, “Porn Again” establishes itself as something far greater as early as Chapter 2: Hard To Be Good, in which Sabarra recalls his re-enacting of a flight safety demonstration for several teacher aides: “While their delight more likely came from the sight of a six-year-old boy in shorts, a military hat and glowing high heels spouting pre-flight rhetoric, I was uninhibited and not yet aware of how gender roles applied to the way I moved through the world.”

The awakening of that awareness is the poignant touchstone for this book, and most LGBT youth will empathize with such a tender time. When he is called out as a “homo” at summer camp after simply putting his arm around a fellow camper, the arrival of shame is swift and cutting, and forms the impetus to a mode of survival many of us know all too well: “From the torment, I could feel edges of my personality emerge – pieces inside of me that would sharpen my tongue and fine-tune an innate wit that could eventually slice through unworthy opponents in seconds. A wall of defense was rising from the ground, and my internal artillery was being loaded for the coming years of battle.”

Yet through it all, Sabarra couldn’t help but let elements of his authentic self shine through, such as when he stages his own Hollywood-themed Bar Mitzvah. The act and the party itself may have been tell-tale signs, but it was all still a show for him. “The show was spectacular,” he writes, “but there was nothing of interest underneath. Did it matter, I thought, as long as the outward presentation was enough to grab people’s attention? Was the heart and soul below the surface really that important? Maybe a distracting razzle-dazzle act was my path; perhaps I was the human embodiment of what had just occurred.”

The quest for putting on a good show translates into body issues, and he begins a series of plastic surgery stints designed to achieve the perfection he feels will validate his life. It’s the first time I didn’t think of cosmetic surgery as some vain, unnecessary whim. As Sabarra explains his reasons, it suddenly becomes apparent that this runs much deeper: “I hadn’t processed the cumulative impact of how much I was bullied because of my sexuality. My self-esteem didn’t survive the verbal beatings I had been getting since I was seven, and my attempt to make my outside beautiful and glamorous was the way to bring it back to life now.”

Such self-esteem issues are not uncommon for LGBT youth, and it bleeds into adulthood for some of us too. After successfully navigating his way to a high-powered Hollywood position at an unprecedentedly-young age, Sabarra was still a virgin as he entered his 30’s. That a book entitled “Porn Again”, and carrying such chapter titles as ‘Cumming of Age’, ‘Hard to Swallow’, ‘Things Cum Up’ and ‘Circle Jerk’ has a protagonist who remains a virgin at the ripe age of 31 is a wink and testament to the marketing skills and wisdom of its writer. It’s also a nifty reminder that things are not always what they appear, a lesson that runs throughout the book as Sabarra goes from navigating the shark-infested waters of Hollywood to the shark-infested waters of the gay dating scene.

It’s a gratifying journey, filled with the pathos that, even at this stage in our awareness, sometimes comes from coming out. Most touching in perhaps the entire book is the way in which Sabarra’s family initially dealt with his sexuality. They did the best they could, and their love and concern is apparent even if they were unable to act at the time. A chilling holiday plan for Sabarra to hide his boyfriend from an elderly grandparent is especially heart-wrenching:

“When someone asks you to disguise who you are… it crushes you to a million little pieces. It’s like you’re a damaged collectible that people want to trade in for a shiny, new model they’d be proud to display,” he writes. “For years… many people who suspected I was gay made comments and slurs. That was the reason I knew to keep it secret and let my quick wit be my shield. When your own family reiterates this messaging of ignorant bullies, albeit unknowingly, the sting is hard to bear – especially when you’re in your thirties and finally feel free enough to step into yourself.”

Passages like that make this into so much more than porn. It is the power of Sabarra’s writing, and ability to laugh at himself, that makes such a sexy, enjoyable romp as satisfying and fulfilling as it is entertaining.

{Visit Josh Sabarra’s website here.}

 

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Summer Soul (Of An Octopus)

The universe has a way of making little winks, signifying whether we are on the right path and if things are properly aligned. Most of us chalk it up to coincidence and chance, but I’ve always felt there was something deeper at work, some grander scheme of a destined plan where everything happens for a reason. Case in point was the sudden proliferation of the octopus as I began one of my favorite reads this summer: ‘The Soul of an Octopus’ by Sy Montgomery. Once I started this, fittingly on the beach, I could not put it down. The ocean and its inhabitants have perennially intrigued me, and the octopus especially has been an animal of fascination and wonder, given its intelligence and shapeshifting prowess. In fact, the eight-armed creature is one of the premiere tricksters of the animal kingdom, and Montgomery manages to demystify and investigate this ‘Surprising Exploration into the Wonder of Consciousness.’

It’s a marvelous book for anyone looking to delve further into the curious relations between humans and animals, and especially for those of us beholden to the magic and mystery of the octopus. As I turned the pages during our seaside stay, suddenly I found octopuses everywhere: in a print on the hotel wall, in a restaurant poster, on a bathroom rug, and even on a lobby throw pillow.

Reassuring proof that we are all connected somehow, and that there are no accidents. The trick is in deciphering why… Why ‘The Soul of an Octopus’? Why the octopus itself?

More importantly, why does the summer have to end?

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Summer Reads 2016

On my summer bedside table reading list:

The Whale: A Love Story‘ by Mark Beauregard

Porn Again‘ by Josh Sabarra

Harry Potter and the Cursed Child’ by J.K. Rowling

The Soul of an Octopus‘ by Sy Montgomery

“The best moments in reading are when you come across something – a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things – which you had thought special and particular to you. Now here it is, set down by someone else, a person you have never met, someone even who is long dead. And it is as if a hand has come out and taken yours.” ― Alan Bennett, The History Boys

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Ode on a Grecian Urn

It was, rather expectedly, in a poetry class where I first read this epic work of Keats. Now, when all things are going Greek this summer, it fits in well with some statuesque posing.

Ode On A Grecian Urn

By John Keats

Thou still unravish’d bride of quietness,

Thou foster-child of silence and slow time,

Sylvan historian, who canst thus express

A flowery tale more sweetly than our rhyme:

What leaf-fring’d legend haunts about thy shape

Of deities or mortals, or of both,

In Tempe or the dales of Arcady?

What men or gods are these? What maidens loth?

What mad pursuit? What struggle to escape?

What pipes and timbrels? What wild ecstasy?

 

Heard melodies are sweet, but those unheard

Are sweeter; therefore, ye soft pipes, play on;

Not to the sensual ear, but, more endear’d,

Pipe to the spirit ditties of no tone:

Fair youth, beneath the trees, thou canst not leave

Thy song, nor ever can those trees be bare;

Bold Lover, never, never canst thou kiss,

Though winning near the goal yet, do not grieve;

She cannot fade, though thou hast not thy bliss,

For ever wilt thou love, and she be fair!

 

Ah, happy, happy boughs! that cannot shed

Your leaves, nor ever bid the Spring adieu;

And, happy melodist, unwearied,

For ever piping songs for ever new;

More happy love! more happy, happy love!

For ever warm and still to be enjoy’d,

For ever panting, and for ever young;

All breathing human passion far above,

That leaves a heart high-sorrowful and cloy’d,

A burning forehead, and a parching tongue.

 

Who are these coming to the sacrifice?

To what green altar, O mysterious priest,

Lead’st thou that heifer lowing at the skies,

And all her silken flanks with garlands drest?

What little town by river or sea shore,

Or mountain-built with peaceful citadel,

Is emptied of this folk, this pious morn?

And, little town, thy streets for evermore

Will silent be; and not a soul to tell

Why thou art desolate, can e’er return.

 

O Attic shape! Fair attitude! with brede

Of marble men and maidens overwrought,

With forest branches and the trodden weed;

Thou, silent form, dost tease us out of thought

As doth eternity: Cold Pastoral!

When old age shall this generation waste,

Thou shalt remain, in midst of other woe

Than ours, a friend to man, to whom thou say’st,

“Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all

Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.”

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A Porny Summer Read

Recently added to my summer reading queue is this sizzling memoir by Josh Sabarra. He’s been featured here as the Hunk of the Day, but this is one Renaissance man who will likely be seen a lot more. (As David Beckham and Ben Cohen have been quiet of late, we are on the lookout for the next hunky conglomerate.) As mentioned, I’ll be reading his ‘Porn Again: A Memoir’ on the beach this summer (and writing a review when the vacation is over), thanks in part to this powerful teaser in his own words:

“I struggled for decades to find myself and to be comfortable in my own skin.  As I approached the beginning of the second half of my life, I thought that my stories might inspire people to step into themselves and entertain at the same time.

During the writing process, I learned that I had been borrowing my sense of self for so long.  I looked to food, plastic surgery, my career, my lovers and my celebrity friendships to try to make myself appealing to other people.  I finally realized that I am enough, on my own terms.” – Josh Sabarra

In addition to his novel (and another one on the way) he’s the sex columnist for ‘Gay Times’ magazine (and I’m secretly hoping he’ll write a Special Guest Blog for this little website – pretty please with a cherry on top?)

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Bedroom Domain

“Waking up begins with saying am and now. That which has awoken then lies for a while staring up at the ceiling and down into itself until it has recognized I, and therefrom deduced I am, I am now. Here comes next, and is at least negatively reassuring; because here, this morning, is where it has expected to find itself: what’s called at home.” ― Christopher Isherwood

“I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.” ― Stephen Chbosky

“I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know?” ― Ernest Hemingway

“It doesn’t matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don’t do it in the street and frighten the horses.” ― Daphne Fielding

“Before you sleep, read something that is exquisite, and worth remembering.” ― Desiderius Erasmus

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