Author Archives: Alan Ilagan

The Madonna Timeline #181: ‘Pretender’ ~ 1985

{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released and/or came to prominence in my mind.}

He’s a pretender, he knows just what to say
He’s a pretender, you meet him every day
He’s a pretender, that fish that got away
he’s a pretender, why’d I fall in love?

Pure 80’s synth pop prettiness, ‘Pretender’ is a relic that doesn’t completely stand the test of time, but we all seem to be in an 80’s celebration, and it’s good to have a reminder that not every Madonna song is going to be everlasting. This one still has its charms, and it brings me indelibly back to the days of 1985, when we rose around in a station wagon and the ‘Like A Virgin‘ album sang of things we’d never known at the ripe age of ten.

It was so strange, the way he held my hand
I wanted more than just a one night stand
He had a way of making me believe
that he was mine and that he’d never leave.
I know that I should take my friend’s advice
Cause if it happens once, you know it happens twice
If there’s chance then I know I’ve got to try
I’ll make him dance with me, I’ll make him tell me why.

The betrayal of the protagonist of ‘Pretender’ was very much one of those things, but Madonna sang with such forlorn bitterness and convincing hurt that I felt I already knew that brutal sting. Maybe it was a presentiment of rocky romances to come? Maybe just a shared love of the dramatic? Or maybe just a hooky pop tune of the 80’s, with a bombastic bridge crafted as deftly as anything Taylor Swift has ever erected.

I’m not afraid to fall a hundred times
And I’ll believe in all your silly lies
I’d like to think that I could change your mind
Don’t say that I am blind, I know all about your kind.

When I was all of ten years old, I thankfully had no idea what a song like ‘Pretender’ might be about – my romantic trials and tribulations wouldn’t start wrecking me for another decadeAnd maybe it does stand up to the test of time – betrayal still being very much a part of the mess we call humanity.

SONG: #181: ‘Pretender’ – 1985

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An Easter Monday Blog Recap

We’ve had a number of Easter Monday recaps over the years:

And I don’t even know if Easter Monday is a thing. I just like the sound of it – so without further ado, here’s our weekly blog recap.

First date fizzle, as seen from the cafe culture vantage point.

My favorite basil.

Harry Styles finally goes full-frontal.

Eat a pita! Or a platter! Aren’t you hungry for a pita, or a platter, at Burger King now?

Misadventures in the local library.

Do you like music?

Pam Bondi wins the next F.A.F.O. Award.

A Yemeni cafe comes to a Latham strip mall.

Let’s not do this again.

Michael Breyette: In Memoriam.

Crocus Locus.

Easter bunny trauma bonding.

I may miss this Lenten tradition the most.

My sweaty underwear, possibly for sale.

Dazzlers of the Day included Hunter Schafer, Justin Teodoro, and Jesse Welles. Who should the next Dazzler be? Tell!

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A Sweaty Underwear Post

Landscape spring cleaning has ensued, so I’m going to have sweaty underwear for a while.

Social media momentum depends on such clickbait.

Surely there is a market for my used underwear, no? Inflation is killing us, gas prices are killing us, this economy is killing us – thanks to fuckwad Trump. Once upon a time I could have garnered a semi-decent living from this sort of thing, but OnlyFans arrived in my lifetime twenty-five years too late. Used underwear shots are about all I can muster these days, and it’s more than anyone wants to see, but I don’t care. This is life. This is reality. This is the here and now.

Yard clean-up has always been a meditative exercise for me. It brings me back outside, where the only sounds are distant lawnmowers, birdsong, and the occasional clawing of squirrel nails on our wooden fence. For well over a decade, I had the same game-plan for the clean-up – start in the side yard and make my way slowly around the perimeter from the side yard to the backyard. This year I’m moving from section to section to keep things interesting, jumping across the yard to remove the debris around the Lenten rose first, then the fern stand beneath the dogwood where our Narcissus are showing buds finally. I’ve pruned the lace-leaf Japanese maple by the pool filter so Andy can access that easier, and I’ll hit the front yard hydrangeas next.

Also new these past few years is a slower rate of this whole process. Previously I’d tried to bang it all out in a single weekend, but the body is not what it used to be, and protecting my back and winter-rested/unexercised muscles by taking my time is a welcome change.

From sweaty underwear to geriatric diatribe – I love the rollercoaster way this blog ebbs and flows.

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Easter Bunny Trauma Bonding

The Easter Bunny and I have been trauma-bonded since that fateful photo shoot in the former Mohawk Mall, in which I was held against my will on a terrifying bunny’s lap. Of course you will get that shot below, because it’s everybody’s favorite fucking picture of me, people being gratuitously thrilled whenever I’m in peril or in uncomfortable situations. Maybe that’s why nothing fazes me anymore – you’ve all worn it out of me over the years.

Since no one was going to even bother protecting me from my fears, I was forced to face them head on, from the moment they paraded me into the dim lair of this Easter Bunny from hell to all the other hellish events I fought against over the years. And don’t tell me you didn’t know I was terrified – it’s on fucking film! (See below – that’s not a happy or calm kid.)

Alas, a little Easter Bunny trauma bonding only served to fortify me for future battles, and they would prove to be far more frightening than a purple-tulle-collared bunny.

Happy Easter everybody!

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Crocus Locus

This simple crocus has always felt rather magical in the way that it just sort of pops up without advance notice and blooms, often earlier than I’m able to get out into the yard for spring cleaning. This year I almost missed it, but Andy took to opening the pool in record time when we had pair of days above freezing, and I ventured out to find it in full flower, bravely sending up its floral signal even before its foliage fully unstrapped itself. 

Out of a hundred corms that I planted one fine fall, this lone crocus is the only one that survived the hungry greed of rodents in the area, somehow managing to escape their voracious hoarding habits. They often get the last laugh, as some years we’ll find the blooms felled by their nibbling before I even get a chance to grab a pic. If they weren’t so cute we’d probably shoot them. 

This particular crocus is in a more hospitable section of the yard, as it has managed to come up earlier than our Lenten rose, which is usually one of the first to bloom. This year it is well behind, thanks to all the snow and cold we’ve had. I haven’t even gotten around to begin the yard clean-up which will help to show it off better, and with rain forecast for the foreseeable future, that may take a while. 

For once, I’m in no rush. Things will get done as they get done, and if they don’t the garden will still find its way.

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In Memoriam: Michael Breyette

NOTE: Michael Breyette was an artist who left behind a powerful visual legacy, a legion of fanatically-devoted appreciators of his art, and a world in dire need of his particular beauty – the images of hope, of lust, of summer, of love – and always, even after his departing, of life.
It’s been a few months since we lost him, and I finally decided to post a letter I wrote to him after his death – my own way of grieving and hoping to heal, and trying to convey to his husband, and the world, how much he is missed. Artists may live on in their artwork, and there is some solid bit of solace in that, but when you know the artist, when you adore the person, that doesn’t diminish the great pain of missing them. 

Dear Michael – 
Once again I find myself writing to a friend who left this world too early, and once again I feel at a loss of how best to say something that meets the sorrowful moment at hand. Despite a couple of decades of correspondence, I’d only ever met you once – at a gallery show in Provincetown. In person you were just as kind and friendly as your messages – a happy and increasingly rare circumstance of a favorite artist living up to the image and idea of a favorite artist. You were one of the first artists to immortalize me, seeing some bit of beauty in the raw assemblage of bones and flesh that once comprised my physical being. It came at a point in time when I wasn’t sure who I was – and you saw something that was somehow worthy of your artistic pursuit.

I’ve always fancied myself an artistic spirit, but never a great artist. You saw beauty in my words, and suddenly I could begin to see beauty in what I created. The fact that an artist I’d so admired might share a similar appreciation of beauty in me did more for my ravaged self-esteem than just about anything else. 
Your talent didn’t always seem wholly of this world. It was fantasy and hope and the embodiment of carnal desire. It was both pure and naughty – a celebration of sex, eroticism and lust. Above all else, it was the expression of beauty and love – and beauty would always be your gift to the world. It remains your lasting, immortal legacy – the physical creation of a body of work that makes living in our world so worthwhile – which is why your sudden absence is so keenly felt by all whom you touched. 

Whenever I needed a jolt of inspiration, whenever I wanted a reminder that there was passion and artistically-brilliant execution in motion, and whenever I just needed some reassurance when times felt dark or sad, a visit to your website and a perusal of your work was all I needed to right myself. 

It wasn’t talent alone that drew me to your creations, it was the heart of the man behind them. Only one who truly loved others would ever be able to so magnificently render fellow human beings in such a splendid manner. That became evident in our correspondence and shared admiration. When you asked me to write a foreword to your book ‘Summer Moved On’, it was an honor, a privilege, and a humble gift that would never quite do your exquisite work justice.

In that work, and in so much subsequent work that would come in the years that followed, your spirit and love for life would shine through. It was a thrill to watch as you gained rightful recognition and success in such a harsh and competitive industry. Throughout it all, you retained your uncompromising vision – portraying us in unabashed scenes of love and beauty and idealism. You put the best versions of ourselves forward, committing them to paper and canvass for all time, in scenes that inspired, moved, intimated, teased, celebrated, and lived in the way that the best artwork does. You did it so well, and with such remarkable consistency, that perhaps we took your gifts for granted, the way humans tend to do when the greatest artists live among us. I hope you knew how much your work mattered, how much it resonated and touched so many of us lucky enough to view it. I hope you understood how much you meant to me, and to so many people who had the honor of being in your presence or the presence of your work. In so many ways, you remain the living sentiment that beauty never dies, that art always matters, and that good people remain in our hearts even after they are gone. 

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Dazzler of the Day: Jesse Welles

Protest songs have played a vital part in times of history that feel dreadfully wrong – and we happen to be in such a time right now. Hailing from Ozark, Arkansas, Jesse Welles earns his first Dazzler of the Day crowning thanks to his multi-talented work as singer, songwriter and performance artist. Speaking out against the ills of the world, especially the terrors of our country at this moment in history, is dazzling enough – doing it with melodic brilliance and musical prowess is the stuff of power and grace. Check out his website here for upcoming tour dates and more.

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A Yemeni Cafe Comes to a Latham Strip Mall

According to the literature and folklore on the walls of the new Qamaria location in Latham, the first cup of coffee was brewed in Yemen, where’s been cultivated and traded for over five hundred years. My caffeine threshold would not stand for any sort of traditional Yemeni coffee, so I opted for their Iced Matcha Latte – about the most caffeine I can safely handle, tempered with a hefty amount of milk. That and the pistachio honeycomb dessert made for a delicate and not-overly-sweet sweet-treat on my first excursion out after a nasty sinus cold. 

Both drink and dessert are subtle and refined (or maybe I still can’t quite taste everything) and the older I get the most I find myself enjoying the less bombastically sweet desserts of mile-high frostings and sundaes spilling over with hot fudge and caramel. On this early spring evening, one of the first without a discernible chill in the air, this green pairing is its own elegant celebration of the season.

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The Next F.A.F.O. Award: Pam Bondi

It couldn’t happen to a shittier person – and Pam Bondi more than earns this FAFO Award because despite consistently kissing Donald Trump’s ass for the past decade or so and ruining the Department of Justice, she just go unceremoniously fired by the biggest scoundrel/scumbag/convicted felon alive. That’s gotta sting, even if she never had any shame. I mean, the Attorney General getting fired by a felon? You can’t wash that stank off! Trump’s own announcement that Pam will be going into the private sector on some future date sounds like the kind of karmic retribution death knell that Miss 50,000 DOW truly deserves. (And you know the felon already pardoned her – how else to keep her lips sealed about the Epstein Files in which he’s accused of child rape?)

FAFO – The First Award

FAFO – The Police Union

FAFO – The Free Press

FAFO – The Kansas City Chiefs

FAFO – The Medicaid Recipients

FAFO – The Measles Victims 

FAFO – The Whiskey by Jack

FAFO – The Economy Voters

FAFO – Trump Voter Cynthia & Her Family

FAFO – Janet Correa

FAFO – Chris Landry

FAFO: MAGA

FAFO: Elise Stefanik

FAFO: Peace Voters

FAFO: 2nd Amendment Voters

FAFO: These 7 House Democrats

FAFO: Jill Zarin

FAFO: Wayne DeMario

FAFO: Trump-Voting Car Drivers

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#TinyThreads: An Insignificant Series

‘Do you like music?’

A random social media post (not mine) that went viral, because people are just dumb as fuck now.

#TinyThreads

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A Place to Write, A Sanctuary

When Suzie asked when I last had a library card, the year 1986 came to mind, but it may have been before that. We were discussing libraries and what I needed to get a library card to start visiting the library near our home – turns out daily coffee/tea and cookies/muffin take a deep toll on the monthly budget – and Suzie said libraries were free because we as tax-payers have already paid for them.

I don’t really have a need for the book aspect of a library (I usually buy the books I want to read because I believe in paying an author for their words). A quiet sanctuary in which I write these blog posts and a possible new project was more what I was seeking, and as I made my way into the florescent-flooded ‘low-volume zone’ of the second floor, my memories of the deserted pin-drop quiet space of the Brandeis University libraries (especially the science one) faded as a group of tables seemed mostly filled with tutors and students – taken together it didn’t sound very ‘low volume’ at all. Still, some surrounding background noise never bothered me much (see my beloved cafe culture, which I found myself missing already) and though it had been decades since I’d done any work in a library, this felt thrillingly familiar.

At a nearby table, a tutor awaits her student. When she arrives with her father, he says he will be right back with Starbucks and asks the tutor if she wants anything. She politely declines, and he departs to pick up the food for his daughter. In about fifteen minutes, he returns with one of those very berry hibiscus drinks, which he puts down on the table along with a cookie. He goes back downstairs and the lesson continues for a few minutes, until the girl spills her drink all over the table. Frantic motions by the tutor save the girl’s phone and some papers.

What a difference a generation makes, I think. If I’d had to be tutored in grade school my father would NOT be bringing me Starbucks in the library. Though if I had a child I also would not be bringing them Starbucks in a library, so maybe it’s not a generation thing but an Ilagan thing.

I’m just getting used to writing in this atmosphere when a wailing cry sounds from downstairs. Someone is having a tantrum, while a group of other kids is running around to the point where some lady yells, “Boys! Somebody’s going to get hurt!” I couldn’t tell if she meant by accident or by her own hand.

By the time a very young girl, left to her devices with no accompanying adult in sight, stands right beside me to hide from someone below in a one-sided game of hide-and-seek, I know my time at this library has come to a close, at least for this afternoon.

Maybe I just need to find out when the downtime is and try again then. Or maybe I give up a new bottle of cologne and pay for cafe culture for another month.

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Dazzler of the Day: Justin Teodoro

Illustrator and artist Justin Teodoro uses his fashion pedigree to inform his witty and wonderful work, easily earning him this Dazzler of the Day crowning. His artwork has appeared in a multitude of publications including WWD, WSJ, Vogue, Amica, W Magazine, Glamour, GQ, Hercules International Magazine, Harper’s Bazaar, US Weekly and OUT Magazine. Most impressively to this Madonna super-fan, Justin played a part in the iconic costumes of The Celebration Tour. His newsletters offer an intimate at his artistic process, with witty observations and clever behind the scenes revelations, giving a fascinating glimpse into the mind of an artist. Check out his marvelous website here.

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#TinyThreads: An Insignificant Series

The first pita I ever had was at Burger King.

It was the 80’s.

I was growing up in Amsterdam, NY.

What did you expect?

#TinyThreads

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