Author Archives: Alan Ilagan

The Diva Makes a Call

When last we left The Divine Diva Tour Book: A Fairy’s Tale, I’d unlocked the comical key to making bad drag and ridiculous scenes work in a way that touched on fantasy, glamour and fun, and finally allowed me not to take myself too seriously. That lesson was one of the most lasting and important from the project, and I’m not sure if it actually sunk in until all these years later. Two decades gives one a more accurate take on how things really played out. Only with the perspective of time do we see some things in their genuine light. 

And so we revisit this platinum-ringleted diva in her natural state, primping or prepping for some fabulous time on the town, or making plans for a party she is about to host. 

A diva’s life requires meticulous planning and careful consideration of every potential move. It is one giant chess game, and end result of which is to look like it is a carefree and effortless existence. Ease and style, grace and panache, and all of it without the slightest outward concern. 

 

As with most diva antics, things rarely work out to the level of perfectionism she so badly wants to command. Such disappointment leads to demands… and exclamations of outrage when things don’t go her way. 

She thinks everyone gets the act, that they see through the outrage to the fear and hurt, then she hopes they never do, and screams a little louder. 

A diva shouts loudly into the void of a dead phone line, and our tale pauses for laughter. At the same time, a little line of doubt begins to thread its way into the narrative. Not all is powder-blue perfection and confection, and the underbelly of all this faux fur splendor reveals its vulnerabilities. Still, she screams… still, we laugh…

Then, another twist, another swing, and a sudden disturbing smile.

When a diva smiles like this, it’s best to run.

As fast and far as you can.

~ The Divine Diva Tour: A Fairy’s Tale ~

  1. Pink Frilly Fairy: Part OnePart Two, and Part Three
  2. Homage to Herb: Part One, Part Two and Part Three
  3. A Purple-Hued Interlude
  4. Style & Panache: Part One, Part Two, Part Three and Part Four.
  5. Purple Puff Confection: Part OnePart Two, Part Three and Part Four.
  6. A Blue-Hued Interlude
  7. Fuchsia Fabulousness: Part One. Part Two and Part Three.
  8. Bad Boy Bangs: Part OnePart Two. and Part Three.
  9. Vanity Under Where: Part One, Part Two. and Part Three.
  10. Sugar Plum Ballerina: Part OnePart Two, and Part Three.
  11. A Pool Frolic: Part OnePart Two. and Part Three.
  12. A Cemetery Interlude: Part One and Part Two.
  13. Powder Blue Fur Doll: Part One and Part Two.

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The Smile of a Pansy

Pansies have smiled here before, and will hopefully do so again, even if the air still feels depressingly like winter. 

Pink pansies have also graced these virtual pages.

They’ve shown up after the rain, and appeared in full royal purple splendor

It’s pansy time again, and though I have never planted any (their season it too short, too early, and over too soon for me to waste the energy or space) but I still thrill at seeing them around. Admiration from afar is the safest form of admiration. No one gets hurt, especially a pansy that deserves the sort of pampering I can’t be bothered to give. 

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When Did Jesus Get a Haircut?

First of all, when did Jesus find a moment to cut his hair between all the floggings at this time of the year? I mean no offense; I’m all for a glow-up, especially that luscious beard, it’s just a little weird. Or maybe I’ve been out of the religious loop for so long that some new rendering of the Big JC is now in place. Whatever. 

Second, does anyone else see a slight resemblance to the great Chris Salvatore in this particular Jesus? That would explain a lot. 

Third, why are the Jehovah Witnesses still coming to our home and leaving this smut on the door? I thought the particular visit chronicled here would be THEIR LAST VISIT. Some people are very slow to learn

Anyway, if anyone is interested, the JW crew is putting on a party for Jesus’ Death at the Kingdom Hall tomorrow. As noted in the pamphlet, “At this important event, Jehovah’s Witnesses commemorate the death of Jesus just as he commanded.” 

Sounds super fun

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Tie Die

What on earth is going on here?

And why?

It’s not even worth a #TinyThreads post.

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A Danish Sandwich

Suzie said she lived on these Danish sandwiches during her junior year abroad. They are made of a sturdy base of rugbrod, a layer of creme fraiche, a sprinkling of capers (I used the kind stored in salt), then topped by a few folds of ham and some fresh dill. Sometimes the simplest things are the most delicious. 

That goes for blog posts too.

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History Repeating, Ducks Quacking

This pair of ducks has been here before, we are almost certain of that. They always arrive to scope out possible nesting sites, despite my sometimes elaborate methods of keeping them at bay. They seem a bit slow to learn, as we will be chasing them out of the vicinity for a few times over a few days. 

It’s a sign of spring, and a happy one at that. It’s reassurance and warmth that nature continues on despite the sorry state of the humanity. We could learn a lot from these ducks. And I hope they learn a little from us (we simply cannot have ducklings at the pool this year!)

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Spring Stalls

Andy has been chomping at the proverbial bit to get the pool open but the weather has not been cooperating for an early season. I’m cooling myself with glimpses at the spring bulb blooms that have been populating markets the past few weeks. It will have to do for now. 

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The Next FAFO Award: Trump Voters Who Voted for the Economy

Suckers.

Stupid ass suckers.

To anyone who voted for Donald Trump based on the economy, we told you so. 

He said he would lower prices for all of us on day one. His lying words, not mine. 

With the help of the GOP Congress, he has crashed our economy, and everyone is about to pay way more for everything. The recession that all the news media hinted at during Biden’s booming time in office? It’s being forecast now, with talks of a full out depression on the horizon. So to any Trump voters who have a 401k, check on it now and take in this FAFO moment because you own it. No returns, no exchanges – you bought it, you own it.

I remember talking to an old friend who originally revealed herself to be voting based on the economy alone, which is why she was leaning toward Trump. This was last October. Aghast, I did my best to explain that his tariff plan would explode the economy and lead to higher taxes and prices on the American consumer. She paused, because she had never heard that before, and was only listening because it was me. Sadly, she was one of many uneducated voters (in her case, willfully ignoring politics) who thought Trump would be better for the economy despite years of history telling us otherwise. And despite he himself telling us his tariff plan and hundreds of world-renowned economists telling us that this would happen. So here we are – add it to the growing list. (Also, trusting someone who went bankrupt six times on the economy? That’s a special kind of stupid.)

What was this FOTUS doing in the days after imploding the market?

He ran away and went golfing. 

No joke. (See the WSJ capture below – it’s a damning split screen of what that moron did, and what he’s doing to fix it.)

PS – Sad side note to this FAFO moment: a second child just died of measles in Texas. See the measles link below. Is America great again yet?

FAFO – The First Award

FAFO – The Police Union

FAFO – The Free Press

FAFO – The Kansas City Chiefs

FAFO – The Medicaid Recipients

FAFO – The Measles Victims 

FAFO – The Whiskey by Jack

 

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Under a Mindful Sky

Yesterday was the last day of the recent period of Mercury in retrograde motion, so hopefully things will calm down a bit until we go retro again. A few days ago, I looked up into the sky and found the moon just as she was about to duck behind a bank of clouds. I paused where I was (at a gas station, having just filled up the tank and further breaking the bank) and took in the sky. 

The older some of us get, the more we tend to look down as we go about our day. Our postures become more hunched, we don’t bother lifting our heads or holding ourselves erect – it’s just easier to give in to gravity at some point. I still like to look up – at the buildings, at the sky, at the moon wherever she might be. It’s a small moment of mindfulness, as it forces me to stop in my tracks (or run the risk of walking into something) and take in the surroundings. Mindfulness need not involve silence or sitting in the lotus position – it comes in little pockets throughout every day if we take a little care to allow it to manifest. 

On that day, I looked at the moon, I thought of our small place in the universe, and I went on with my day, a little more grounded. 

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#TinyThreads: An Insignifiant Series

If you know who this is and you adore her like I do, this post is for you.

One question: is ‘Levina’ pronounced like ‘Regina’ or ‘vagina‘? 

A future limerick thanks you in advance. 

#TinyThreads

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A Monologue For This Very Moment

Most of us, if we are exceptionally lucky and fortunate, have that core group of friends who have been there from our earliest cognizance. I have a few groups of friends who have been there for the long haul, some going back to my childhood. As I look over the past two decades, inspired by the recent and ongoing premiere of The Divine Diva Tour: A Fairy’s Tale project, and photos like the one featured here, I feel a little exhausted. Not in a bad way, just in an expected manner of satisfied fatigue when one begins to contemplate all the years one has lived. When looking back on all the time that’s passed, I think of those friends, who were there when we were just starting off – graduating from school and embarking on the singular journeys we each had to make. That’s why this monologue  from ‘The White Lotus’ spoke to me so movingly:

“That’s funny because if I’m being honest, all week I’ve just been so sad. I just feel like my expectations were too high or I just feel like as you get older, you have to justify your life and your choices. And when I’m with you guys, it’s just so transparent what my choices were and my mistakes. I have no belief system. Well, I mean, I’ve had a lot of them. I mean, work was my religion for forever, but I definitely lost my belief there. And then I tried love and that was just a painful religion just made everything worse. And then even for me, just like being a mother, that didn’t save me either. But I had this epiphany today: I don’t need religion or God to give my life meaning, because time gives it meaning. We started this life together. I mean, we’re going through it apart, but we’re still together. And I look at you guys and it feels meaningful and I can’t explain it, but even when we’re just sitting around the pool talking about whatever and name shit, it still feels very fucking deep. I am glad you have a beautiful face and I’m glad that you have a beautiful life. I am just happy to be at the table.”

With that, her character cleared the air, after a week of pretending that everything was happy and good when it didn’t always feel that way. It’s how most of us go through life – pretending we are ok even when we’re not, because often that is the only way to make it through. But friends – the best ones – see through it, and don’t let us get away with it. Every once in a while, it’s good to have that moment of acknowledgment and clarity, to accept that this life, this world, are far from perfect, that we, as human beings, are infinitely flawed, and it’s ok, it’s all right. 

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Bonus Patrick Schwarzenegger Post

In honor of that thrilling finale for ‘The White Lotus’, here’s another look at a shirtless Patrick Schwarzenegger, who actually kept his clothes on in this episode. They so rarely make finales that live up to a season’s worth of suspense, and this one delivered (in my fully-capable-of-suspending-disbelief-in-the-name-of-fun-drama view). Last season’s was nowhere nearly coherent and powerful – and the speech by Carrie Coon’s character was devastating in a way that my almost-5o-year-old self took directly to heart. More on that in another post, because it deserves much more. 

It definitely got me thinking about time, not that I needed any additional incentive for that, aforementioned birthday and other significant milestones all on the near horizon. But for now, the superficial beauty of a young man who just made a splash in one of the most talked about television experiences we’ve had – and in a world exploding with malice and increasingly-awful behavior, that’s quite an accomplishment. 

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#TinyThreads: An Insignificant Series

All this time I thought Buster Poindexter was Al Franken.

And vice versa. 

That’s hot, hot, hot.

#TinyThreads

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