What on earth is going on here?
And why?
It’s not even worth a #TinyThreads post.
Author Archives: Alan Ilagan
10
April
2025
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April
2025
10
April
2025
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April
2025
A Danish Sandwich
Suzie said she lived on these Danish sandwiches during her junior year abroad. They are made of a sturdy base of rugbrod, a layer of creme fraiche, a sprinkling of capers (I used the kind stored in salt), then topped by a few folds of ham and some fresh dill. Sometimes the simplest things are the most delicious.
That goes for blog posts too.
09
April
2025
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April
2025
History Repeating, Ducks Quacking
This pair of ducks has been here before, we are almost certain of that. They always arrive to scope out possible nesting sites, despite my sometimes elaborate methods of keeping them at bay. They seem a bit slow to learn, as we will be chasing them out of the vicinity for a few times over a few days.
It’s a sign of spring, and a happy one at that. It’s reassurance and warmth that nature continues on despite the sorry state of the humanity. We could learn a lot from these ducks. And I hope they learn a little from us (we simply cannot have ducklings at the pool this year!)
09
April
2025
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April
2025
Spring Stalls
Andy has been chomping at the proverbial bit to get the pool open but the weather has not been cooperating for an early season. I’m cooling myself with glimpses at the spring bulb blooms that have been populating markets the past few weeks. It will have to do for now.
09
April
2025
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April
2025
The Next FAFO Award: Trump Voters Who Voted for the Economy
Suckers.
Stupid ass suckers.
To anyone who voted for Donald Trump based on the economy, we told you so.
He said he would lower prices for all of us on day one. His lying words, not mine.
With the help of the GOP Congress, he has crashed our economy, and everyone is about to pay way more for everything. The recession that all the news media hinted at during Biden’s booming time in office? It’s being forecast now, with talks of a full out depression on the horizon. So to any Trump voters who have a 401k, check on it now and take in this FAFO moment because you own it. No returns, no exchanges – you bought it, you own it.
I remember talking to an old friend who originally revealed herself to be voting based on the economy alone, which is why she was leaning toward Trump. This was last October. Aghast, I did my best to explain that his tariff plan would explode the economy and lead to higher taxes and prices on the American consumer. She paused, because she had never heard that before, and was only listening because it was me. Sadly, she was one of many uneducated voters (in her case, willfully ignoring politics) who thought Trump would be better for the economy despite years of history telling us otherwise. And despite he himself telling us his tariff plan and hundreds of world-renowned economists telling us that this would happen. So here we are – add it to the growing list. (Also, trusting someone who went bankrupt six times on the economy? That’s a special kind of stupid.)
What was this FOTUS doing in the days after imploding the market?
He ran away and went golfing.
No joke. (See the WSJ capture below – it’s a damning split screen of what that moron did, and what he’s doing to fix it.)
PS – Sad side note to this FAFO moment: a second child just died of measles in Texas. See the measles link below. Is America great again yet?
FAFO – The Medicaid Recipients
08
April
2025
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April
2025
Under a Mindful Sky
Yesterday was the last day of the recent period of Mercury in retrograde motion, so hopefully things will calm down a bit until we go retro again. A few days ago, I looked up into the sky and found the moon just as she was about to duck behind a bank of clouds. I paused where I was (at a gas station, having just filled up the tank and further breaking the bank) and took in the sky.
The older some of us get, the more we tend to look down as we go about our day. Our postures become more hunched, we don’t bother lifting our heads or holding ourselves erect – it’s just easier to give in to gravity at some point. I still like to look up – at the buildings, at the sky, at the moon wherever she might be. It’s a small moment of mindfulness, as it forces me to stop in my tracks (or run the risk of walking into something) and take in the surroundings. Mindfulness need not involve silence or sitting in the lotus position – it comes in little pockets throughout every day if we take a little care to allow it to manifest.
On that day, I looked at the moon, I thought of our small place in the universe, and I went on with my day, a little more grounded.
08
April
2025
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April
2025
#TinyThreads: An Insignifiant Series
If you know who this is and you adore her like I do, this post is for you.
One question: is ‘Levina’ pronounced like ‘Regina’ or ‘vagina‘?
A future limerick thanks you in advance.
08
April
2025
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April
2025
A Monologue For This Very Moment
Most of us, if we are exceptionally lucky and fortunate, have that core group of friends who have been there from our earliest cognizance. I have a few groups of friends who have been there for the long haul, some going back to my childhood. As I look over the past two decades, inspired by the recent and ongoing premiere of The Divine Diva Tour: A Fairy’s Tale project, and photos like the one featured here, I feel a little exhausted. Not in a bad way, just in an expected manner of satisfied fatigue when one begins to contemplate all the years one has lived. When looking back on all the time that’s passed, I think of those friends, who were there when we were just starting off – graduating from school and embarking on the singular journeys we each had to make. That’s why this monologue from ‘The White Lotus’ spoke to me so movingly:
“That’s funny because if I’m being honest, all week I’ve just been so sad. I just feel like my expectations were too high or I just feel like as you get older, you have to justify your life and your choices. And when I’m with you guys, it’s just so transparent what my choices were and my mistakes. I have no belief system. Well, I mean, I’ve had a lot of them. I mean, work was my religion for forever, but I definitely lost my belief there. And then I tried love and that was just a painful religion just made everything worse. And then even for me, just like being a mother, that didn’t save me either. But I had this epiphany today: I don’t need religion or God to give my life meaning, because time gives it meaning. We started this life together. I mean, we’re going through it apart, but we’re still together. And I look at you guys and it feels meaningful and I can’t explain it, but even when we’re just sitting around the pool talking about whatever and name shit, it still feels very fucking deep. I am glad you have a beautiful face and I’m glad that you have a beautiful life. I am just happy to be at the table.”
With that, her character cleared the air, after a week of pretending that everything was happy and good when it didn’t always feel that way. It’s how most of us go through life – pretending we are ok even when we’re not, because often that is the only way to make it through. But friends – the best ones – see through it, and don’t let us get away with it. Every once in a while, it’s good to have that moment of acknowledgment and clarity, to accept that this life, this world, are far from perfect, that we, as human beings, are infinitely flawed, and it’s ok, it’s all right.
07
April
2025
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April
2025
Bonus Patrick Schwarzenegger Post
In honor of that thrilling finale for ‘The White Lotus’, here’s another look at a shirtless Patrick Schwarzenegger, who actually kept his clothes on in this episode. They so rarely make finales that live up to a season’s worth of suspense, and this one delivered (in my fully-capable-of-suspending-disbelief-in-the-name-of-fun-drama view). Last season’s was nowhere nearly coherent and powerful – and the speech by Carrie Coon’s character was devastating in a way that my almost-5o-year-old self took directly to heart. More on that in another post, because it deserves much more.
It definitely got me thinking about time, not that I needed any additional incentive for that, aforementioned birthday and other significant milestones all on the near horizon. But for now, the superficial beauty of a young man who just made a splash in one of the most talked about television experiences we’ve had – and in a world exploding with malice and increasingly-awful behavior, that’s quite an accomplishment.
07
April
2025
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April
2025
#TinyThreads: An Insignificant Series
All this time I thought Buster Poindexter was Al Franken.
And vice versa.
07
April
2025
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April
2025
Robert Irwin Fronts A Bulging Recap
Robert Irwin takes the cake for his recent underwear unveiling, and that’s about all the news that’s fit to print in these parts. A few other things happened too, so let’s do the weekly recap and move deeper into April…
Bad Bunny goes full-frontal here!
The family that plays together…
The line between selfish and self-care is a fine one.
It’s salty kinda… but I like it.
Glamour is youth, ergo we were all glamorous once.
What do you mean it’s not in the computer?!?!
This was the tale of how I got locked in Albany Rural Cemetery…
… and this is the insane outfit I happened to be wearing when they finally let me out.
All in the name of The Divine Diva Tour: A Fairy’s Tale.
Robert Irwin posed in his underwear and won the Dazzler of the Day. (That’s all you need to do, guys.)
06
April
2025
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April
2025
Give Me The Hook Or the Ovation
While I was born in the 70’s and grew up in the 80’s, my main gay awareness arrived in the 90’s, long after the disco world of Gloria Gaynor and this dance version of ‘I Am What I Am’ tore up the floors. I happened upon it on a compilation CD I found in a Provincetown music store, and it wasn’t just because of the underwear-clad male model on the cover, I swear. I also knew the song from ‘La Cage Aux Folles’ so the melody and sentiment were familiar. It spoke to my burgeoning gay sensibility on another plane.
I am what I amI am my own special creationSo come take a lookGive me the hook or the ovation
It’s my world that I want to have a little pride inMy world and it’s not a place I have to hide inLife’s not worth a damn‘Til you can say, I am what I am
A musical reference to Provincetown feels apt at this moment – and whenever I think of Provincetown I think of little jewels of moments – this one is a snippet of one of my first visits. Making my way back to whatever accommodations I had after a night out, I found myself pausing at the privet fence of a little cottage on some side street off Commercial. The blooms on the hedge, always so simple and unassuming, perfumed the night air; it was the scent of summer, the scent of beauty.
I am what I amI don’t want praise, I don’t want pityI bang my own drumSome think it’s noise, I think it’s pretty
I remember peering into the cottage windows, where a Tiffany lamp glowed, bathing the space in warm light. It looked so cozy and inviting, and even though it was summer and more than warm enough outside, it was still night. I longed for a place that was warm and lit like that, and while the perfume of the privet flowers tickled my nose, and a night breeze ran its cool fingers through my hair, I couldn’t see that place in my future just yet.
And so what if I love each sparkle and each bangle?Why not try to see things from a different angle?Your life is a sham‘Til you can shout out, I am what I am
I am what I amAnd what I am needs no excusesI deal my own deckSometimes the ace, sometimes the deuces
Peering into the house a little while longer, I wondered at its owners and inhabitants, at the lives they lived, and the people they loved, and in that idea was hope and exhaustion and the exquisite murkiness of what might lie ahead for me. Snippets of whatever gay dance song was big at the moment played in my head, or maybe it was this song, discovered in this town, decades after it first came out, just as I was coming out, just when I needed most to believe…
It’s one life and there’s no return and no depositOne life, so it’s time to open up your closetLife’s not worth a damn‘Til you can shout out, I am what I am
I am what I amAnd what I am needs no excusesI deal my own deckSometimes the ace, sometimes the deuces
It’s one life and there’s no return and no depositOne life, so it’s time to open up your closetLife’s not worth a damn‘Til you can shout out, I am what I am
~ The Divine Diva Tour: A Fairy’s Tale ~
- Pink Frilly Fairy: Part One, Part Two, and Part Three
- Homage to Herb: Part One, Part Two and Part Three
- A Purple-Hued Interlude
- Style & Panache: Part One, Part Two, Part Three and Part Four.
- Purple Puff Confection: Part One, Part Two, Part Three and Part Four.
- A Blue-Hued Interlude
- Fuchsia Fabulousness: Part One. Part Two and Part Three.
- Bad Boy Bangs: Part One, Part Two. and Part Three.
- Vanity Under Where: Part One, Part Two. and Part Three.
- Sugar Plum Ballerina: Part One, Part Two, and Part Three.
- A Pool Frolic: Part One, Part Two. and Part Three.
- A Cemetery Interlude: Part One and Part Two.
- Powder Blue Fur Doll: Part One.
06
April
2025
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April
2025
A Winter Coat of Powder Blue Fur
Shooting this section of the Divine Diva Tour came with the unexpected price I had to pay here. It was the hefty price of shame and humiliation, and the pay-off was a hearty dose of laughter at my own expense – a lesson worth more than anyone could ever afford. But there was something more serious at work, and upon this turn of our Fairy’s Tale the kaleidoscopic nature of the project comes into better focus. This marks about the tenth persona/image featured in The Divine Diva Tour, and it is here where we see that one of the main tenets of the project is its shifting nature: the masks and guises we wear, the characters we play and inhabit, all of whom work together to make us the singular presence the world thinks it knows us to be.
‘Cause it’s a bittersweet symphony, that’s lifeTryin to make ends meet, you’re a slave to money then you dieI’ll take you down the only road I’ve ever been downYou know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet, yeah…
No change, I can changeI can change, I can changeBut I’m here in my moldI am here in my moldBut I’m a million different peopleFrom one day to the nextI can’t change my moldNo, no, no, no, no(Have you ever been down?)
Well, I’ve never prayed but tonight I’m on my knees, yeahI need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeahI let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free nowBut the airwaves are clean and there’s nobody singin’ to me now
No change, I can changeI can change, I can changeBut I’m here in my moldI am here in my moldAnd I’m a million different peopleFrom one day to the nextI can’t change my moldNo, no, no, no, no(Have you ever been down?)I can’t change, oh, noI can’t change, oh
‘Cause it’s a bittersweet symphony, that’s lifeTryin to make ends meet, tryna find somebody then you dieI’ll take you down the only road I’ve ever been downYou know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet, yeah
You know I can change, I can changeI can change, I can changeBut I’m here in my moldI am here in my moldAnd I’m a million different peopleFrom one day to the next
I can’t change my moldNo, no, no, no, no
I can’t change my moldNo, no, no, no, no,I can’t change my mold, no, no, no, no
It’s just sex and violence, melody and silenceIt’s just sex and violence, melody and silenceI’ll take you down the only road I’ve ever been downI’ll take you down the only road I’ve ever been down
~ The Divine Diva Tour: A Fairy’s Tale ~
- Pink Frilly Fairy: Part One, Part Two, and Part Three
- Homage to Herb: Part One, Part Two and Part Three
- A Purple-Hued Interlude
- Style & Panache: Part One, Part Two, Part Three and Part Four.
- Purple Puff Confection: Part One, Part Two, Part Three and Part Four.
- A Blue-Hued Interlude
- Fuchsia Fabulousness: Part One. Part Two and Part Three.
- Bad Boy Bangs: Part One, Part Two. and Part Three.
- Vanity Under Where: Part One, Part Two. and Part Three.
- Sugar Plum Ballerina: Part One, Part Two, and Part Three.
- A Pool Frolic: Part One, Part Two. and Part Three.
- A Cemetery Interlude: Part One and Part Two.
06
April
2025
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April
2025
Freed from a Cemetery, A Diva Laughs
When last we left off, I was locked in the Albany Rural Cemetery, and here is what I was wearing.
Without a change of clothes or a cel phone (in 2005 I didn’t even own a cel phone yet because I hated them so much) I had a moment of panic. Looking at the caretaker’s house to my left, I leaned hard on the horn, desperate for someone to save me. There was movement in the window, and then a muffled shout of anger: “If you want to get out, you can come up to the house and ask me to unlock the gate in person!”
Oh for fuck’s sake.
My hair was a mess from having been stuffed in a blonde wig and fake fur hat. My make-up, a clown-show to begin with, was a dismal visage. With only a tissue or two in the car, I tried to wipe as much off as I could, but when you have this much on there’s not much that’s going to come off with a dry tissue. There wasn’t much I could do about the rest of the ensemble – unless I took it all off on this winter afternoon.
Backing the car up, I made one last plea with the universe and waited to see if some Good Samaritan might come out, but Good Samaritans just don’t play a part in my life. Never have and never will. I took a deep breath, channeled my annoyance into fight mode in the event that I needed to argue my way out of the cemetery, and approached the door of the house. I knocked and heard movement inside.
An agitated woman flung open the door, and I could see she was about to launch into a tirade about how rude I was to simply beep and expect the gates to open, when she was struck silent by the persona before her. Mouth agape, no sound came from her, so I spoke in agitated fashion: “THIS is why I didn’t want to come to the door,” I said sternly, with a dramatic flourish of my hand to indicate the outfit that needed no further attention being brought to it. “I’m working on a sort of art project that… well, never mind…” and I trailed off.
“Oh,” she said, a smile finally breaking upon her face.
And then the kicker: she called her husband to come over. “You gotta see this!” she intoned with a glee that I suspected might have been laced with malevolence, until she softened and said, “No problem, he’ll let you out!”
Assured that I had paid my dues by giving them both a story to tell all her friends and family for the next few years, she merrily set me free, and I returned home fully traumatized, but strangely revitalized. Suddenly, ‘The Divine Diva Tour: A Fairy’s Tale’ had a comedic element that presented itself like a hidden jewel, unlocking the key aspect that took out the entirely-too-earnest and serious stance that I gave to all of my projects up to that point. Rather than a studied and meticulously glamorous romp, I could see the silliness of the endeavor, and face the fact that I would never be a true diva.
Because a truly divine diva wouldn’t be caught dead locked up in a cemetery.
~ The Divine Diva Tour: A Fairy’s Tale ~
- Pink Frilly Fairy: Part One, Part Two, and Part Three
- Homage to Herb: Part One, Part Two and Part Three
- A Purple-Hued Interlude
- Style & Panache: Part One, Part Two, Part Three and Part Four.
- Purple Puff Confection: Part One, Part Two, Part Three and Part Four.
- A Blue-Hued Interlude
- Fuchsia Fabulousness: Part One. Part Two and Part Three.
- Bad Boy Bangs: Part One, Part Two. and Part Three.
- Vanity Under Where: Part One, Part Two. and Part Three.
- Sugar Plum Ballerina: Part One, Part Two, and Part Three.
- A Pool Frolic: Part One, Part Two. and Part Three.
- A Cemetery Interlude: Part One.
05
April
2025
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April
2025
Trapped in a Cemetery, A Diva Laments
The Albany Rural Cemetery is a place of beauty, tranquility, respite and repose. Expansive and sprawling, it unfurls in gently rolling hills and little stretches of woodland. It is ancient and steeped in history (it is the resting place for President Chester Arthur) and the crumbling sections and fallen fences in some areas lend it the weight and gravitas of centuries. No other place puts the essence of time in such stark relief than a cemetery.
This particular cemetery has provided the dramatic backdrop for many photos over the years, particularly those found in the ‘StoneLight’ project. I’ve spent many creative hours seeking out spaces here, always finding sources of inspiration, tableaus that spark other branches of ideas.
When it came time to find backdrops for The Divine Diva Tour: A Fairy’s Tale, the Albany Rural Cemetery was forefront in my mind for two very big shoots – the spring freshness of this Purple Puff piece and this dreamy, delicious, queer and dear post. It was the perfect prancing ground for the fairy’s tale being told. I also wanted to shoot a winter scene here, which brings us to the background story that ended up overshadowing the entire Divine Diva Tour experience, as it’s the story that still gets told to this day when nothing else from this project remains relevant.
One of the main reasons I kept coming back here was the relative quiet and unpopulated nature of the space, particularly in the secluded, off-the-beaten-path sections I could drive to along winding and largely untraveled little roads. There were occasional walkers and visitors, but it wasn’t difficult to avoid them in the more neglected areas. It made posing in a big puffy purple dress possible without prying eyes. (Or posing in what I wore for the powder blue winter landscape I am about to show you.)
For that shoot, I waited until the golden hour, which came early in the winter – around 4 PM. I entered the gates and turned down the volume of whatever music I had playing – my little way of showing respect to the surroundings. I’d worn the particular costume for the shoot in the car, which was a ridiculous faux fur coat, a lace skirt, some ruffled bloomers and lace stockings, and a faux fur hat that matched the coat. I hadn’t bothered to bring along another change of clothing because I only intended to get a few quick pics and return home. I even had insane make-up on to go with the scene, and a crazy wig of platinum blonde ringlets. The gates disappeared behind me as I drove further in, as did the sign of the cemetery hours that I had never taken notice of, and soon I was flouncing about in the snow and capturing the winter scene you see before you.
By the time the sun was down, I’d gotten the shots I needed, squeezed the silly ensemble back into the car, and drove back out the way I had come in, only now the gates were closed. Closed and locked. Having never stayed later in the day, I had no idea that the cemetery closed and locked up at any time. To the left of the driveway out, right near the gates, I noticed the caretaker’s little house, and a car in the space beside it. I was about to get out, when I looked in the mirror, saw the clown make-up, and realized I was in a crazy get-up of powder blue fur and lace that would simply not allow me to leave the vehicle. I did the only thing I could do: leaned on the horn briefly, in as friendly a way as I could muster, so whomever was inside might press a button and let me out.
And nothing happened.
I was locked in the Albany Rural Cemetery, I had no cel phone, and most importantly nothing appropriate to wear if I even managed to get the police to arrive. When you see how I looked, in the next post, you’ll understand the predicament a bit better.
…{~To Be Continued~}…
~ The Divine Diva Tour: A Fairy’s Tale ~
- Pink Frilly Fairy: Part One, Part Two, and Part Three
- Homage to Herb: Part One, Part Two and Part Three
- A Purple-Hued Interlude
- Style & Panache: Part One, Part Two, Part Three and Part Four.
- Purple Puff Confection: Part One, Part Two, Part Three and Part Four.
- A Blue-Hued Interlude
- Fuchsia Fabulousness: Part One. Part Two and Part Three.
- Bad Boy Bangs: Part One, Part Two. and Part Three.
- Vanity Under Where: Part One, Part Two. and Part Three.
- Sugar Plum Ballerina: Part One, Part Two, and Part Three.
- A Pool Frolic: Part One, Part Two. and Part Three.
