Author Archives: Alan Ilagan

Hiding Faces from the Rain

When the jonquils and other spring bulbs emerge from the muddy spring ground, and raindrops splash and sputter the dirt onto their pristine petals, nothing stays pristine for long. Spring is messy, as seen on this very first Narcissus bloom of the year. Speckled with bits of dirt and drops of rain, it screams spring in every way, holding onto a bit of winter’s discontent, ready to shake it entirely off with an ironic burst of wind. 

For the past four days, the weather has been wild, even for spring. These blooms turn their faces from the wind and the rain, shyly hiding their prettiness, unbothered by whatever life-giving muck splashes up onto their beauty. Flowers, strangely enough, carry no such vanity

The lessons of the garden are infinite. 

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Like A Perhaps Hand

Three days of rain – occasionally alternating with swiftly-moving clouds and a few brief breaks of sunlight, strange sunlight ever since the eclipse – seem to have had a wayward effect on my mood. Today is due to be overcast, but without any hard rain or wind, which characterized yesterday’s rollercoaster of emotions. This will likely be the only post of the day, and so I shall pepper it with lots of whimsical links so if your day runs into any doldrums, find your way back here and click away. I’m going to step off-line and find meaning there, where meaning has always resided. In my absence, a few lines from someone far more skilled than me.

A poem by e.e. cummings, who mastered an exquisite economy of words:

Spring is like a perhaps hand 

Spring is like a perhaps hand
(which comes carefully
out of Nowhere) arranging
a window, into which people look (while
people stare
arranging and changing placing
carefully there a strange
thing and a known thing here)and

changing everything carefully

spring is like a perhaps
Hand in a window
(carefully to
and fro moving New and
Old things, while
people stare carefully
moving a perhaps
fraction of flower here placing
an inch of air there) and

without breaking anything.

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Crying at Trader’s

The day had been filled with spurts of rain and quickly-moving clouds. A preliminary medical appointment to gain me entrance to my first scheduled colonoscopy left me in contemplative state of mind, and the weather did nothing to abate any vague concerns. After attempting to find a gift for a friend’s birthday, and failing, I pulled back into the rainy evening, which was suddenly much darker than the gray day that had preceded it. An end-of-the-errands stop at Trader Joe’s, mostly to pick up a bag or two of their Savory, Sweet and Tart Trek Mix, seems like the strangest place to start crying, but that’s sometimes the way grief sneaks up on me these days.

I had just left the cheese section, and was headed toward the crackers to stock up for an upcoming visit from out-of-town friends, when I saw a couple that instantly reminded me of my parents, maybe fifteen years ago. The man was quietly pushing a cart, while the woman I assumed is his wife (from the easy and loving way they had about each other) circled around picking up items. They stopped in the ice cream aisle, where I surreptitiously (at least I hope) entered their orbit and watched from a distance, as I pretended to examine a box of Green Tea Mochi. The woman picked up a box of frozen cannoli desserts and placed it in the cart with a little smile. She watched as the man made his own sweet selection, smiling a little more, and then they advanced to the next section. Casually but nicely dressed, there was something about their manners and the quiet way they moved around the store unconcerned with anyone but themselves that so vividly recalled the way my parents used to be. 

I’d forgotten how long ago that was, and in that suddenly-empty aisle I felt tears come to my eyes as I thought of how much time had passed – how many years my parents lived their lives together – and how short and quick it now felt. And then I thought of how much love there had been too, and how that elongated their finite time into something that maybe knows no real boundary of time – because love, so tangibly realized in the rivulets of salty water down my cheeks, may just be the only thing that can topple time, rendering it meaningless in the end. 

My Dad has been gone a long time – much longer than his final physical ending here on earth, when he drew his last breath – and I still miss him. I also still feel his love, and my love for him, and I’ll carry that with me until my last day on earth. Time won’t take that away. 

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Dazzler of the Day: Ronan Farrow

An outfit as exquisite as this one would typically guarantee a crowning as Dazzler of the Day, but Ronan Farrow comes with the talent and substance to back it all up and match the beauty on the outside with a keen analytical mind. Farrow is an investigative journalist who has notably covered the case that rightfully toppled Harvey Weinstein, winning a Pulitzer Prize in the process, and his book ‘Catch and Kill: Lies, Spies, and a Conspiracy to Protect Predators’ detailed how it all happened.

Getting back to that outfit, as featured on a recent episode of ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race‘: I need to know where he got it and when, and then I need to figure out how to get one in lavender. (Generally I’m a 40S in jackets for any kind benefactors out there.)

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My One True Indulgence

Everyone should have at least one indulgence about which they are passionately obsessive and lovestruck through all the days of their lives, and for me that is fragrance. My cologne cabinet – because of course I have a cologne cabinet – is one of my prized possessions, as are the contents contained within, and as silly and superficial as it all may be it still brings me happiness in a world often bereft of joy. 

Fragrance can act as one’s calling card – a representation of who a person is, what they like, and how they want to be portrayed. It’s what’s left in their wake after they have left a room, or what announces their presence to someone just entering. That said, I change too much to have one signature fragrance, and there is too much variety, and too many beautiful extremes, to be bound to just one. Hence my ever-expanding collection. 

Recently, upon a bathroom repainting/revamping, I succumbed to my Virgo nature and decided it was time to dust off and polish each bottle separately. It hasn’t been done in about ten years, as this cabinet is entirely closed, and not susceptible to much dust. As I took my time going through each one, I would take off the cap and bring the bottle to my nose, indulging in the beauty, and the memories each one evoked. Scent is one the strongest memory triggers, and almost all of my fragrances carry with them a seasonal memory, recalling where and when it was that I wore them. That is the truest pleasure of my cologne collection: all of those wonderful memories. 

The Tom Ford Neroli line brought back many summers – happy ones from long ago and a very sad one from last year – all of them beautiful in their own way. His Soleil collection (of which I’ve amassed Soleil Blanc, Soleil Brulant, and Soleil De Feu) brought back the summer sun and all its radiant warmth. My entire Tom Ford Private Blend collection is filled with very special bottles, most of them gifts from Andy or my family that make them even more meaningful. I thought of those beloved ones, and the lovely memories they evoke, as I took my time inhaling each bottle on its own.

My trio of Creed fragrances is spare (largely because of that house’s impossible price point) but significant. Of course, Aventus is there – the powerhouse performer that is ideal for office wear as it’s so universally enjoyed, though I prefer their take on Royal Oud, which has become my Thanksgiving fragrance – recalling gatherings of family. That was a gift from my Mom for my birthday, only adding to its significance. My very first Creed acquisition, the little bottle of Green Irish Tweed pictured below, was a gift from Andy, and this is the fragrance I wore on our wedding day in the Boston Public Garden

So many scents, so many memories, so much love… it feels less silly when I think of it this way. The Frederic Malle line comes with a number of special bottles – notably one of my very favorite fragrances, Portrait of a Lady – and there are others that conjure giddy recollections of winter nights and winter days. (See also Geranium Pour Monsieur, Uncut Gem and Outrageous! (The exclamation point is not part of my writing; it forms part of the ridiculous name! There, that one was mine.) 

Lately I’v been enamored of the Night Veils collection by Byredo, of which my Mom gifted me the autumn-like Sellier and Andy got me the deliciously-resinous Tobacco Mandarin. The House of Byredo also supplied another office frag, Accord Oud, which I wear a lot in September, when things go back into the post-summer swing. 

If you’re wondering what’s next, I am too – and I’m requesting the delicious Carnal Flower for the upcoming spring anniversary season… 

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Dazzler of the Day: Michelle Visage

Faithful friend and partner-in-fabulousness to RuPaul, Michelle Visage is a dazzling star in her own right, thrilling with her cutting quips and dagger-like assessments and advice on ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race’. She originally burst on the pop-star scene as a member of Seduction, which garnered several hits as the 80’s turned into the 90’s – proof that Visage has earned her place at the judge’s table because she’s already gone through it. She is crowned Dazzler of the Day for the guts and determination it takes to last this long in the business they call show. 

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#TinyThreads: An Insignificant Series

Dropping things seems to be my affliction during this period of Mercury in retrograde motion: glasses, cups, screws, even a jar of olives (and all their juice, which ended up running into Andy’s paperwork for his new car – oh dear). Hell, I’d probably drop my dick right now if it wasn’t attached. 

#TinyThreads

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Felled, Frail & Fighting for the Future

This little crocus, the only surviving crocus from a planting of about 200 corms several years ago (yes, only this one survived the rodents running rampant in the backyard) always seems to be taken out before its time. A couple of years ago it was a chipmunk – I came upon it munching on the torn flowerhead like some fancy dinner – and this year it was a snowstorm that leveled its pretty blooms, tamping them down for the rest of its finite life. The leaves, however, remain standing tall, well, short in this case – the point is that they’re standing, and drawing sunlight and nutrients, pouring energy and growth into next year’s buds. Life will begin again, with the proper preparation. The garden is the greatest teacher of those lessons, and every year around this time I learn things all over again

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#TinyThreads: An Insignificant Series

The day I have been dreading and fearing has at long last arrived: it is time to clean and organize my cologne cabinet. Send food and oxygen.

#TinyThreads

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A Mexican Salad Recipe

Full-disclosure: I’m posting this for my own reference. In the same way that I look up this tres leches cake or this holiday mocktail, or this Ghapama recipe, I will simply google my name and whatever the recipe I’m looking for, instead of searching through a pile of wrinkled, stained printed-out recipes that have been through the wear-and-tear of a kitchen season. This Mexican salad I made up the other day was such a winner that I’m doing my best to remember exactly what I put in it and how it was assembled. What follows is my best guess (and it’s all a guess since I can’t remember what happened two minutes ago, much less two days). 

Mexican Salad

1 heart of romaine lettuce, finely chopped

3 small tomatoes, chopped

1 ripe avocado, chopped

1 small can whole kernel corn, drained and rinsed  (or about 1 cup, fresh)

1 can black beans (drained and rinsed)

1 green pepper, chopped

Dressing:

1/4 cup olive oil

2 Tbsp white balsamic vinegar

1 Tbsp lime juice

1 big bunch fresh cilantro

1 garlic clove, chopped

Salt and pepper

Process:

Mix all ingredients in large bowl. Blend dressing ingredients with immersion blender and pour over salad. Toss and mix well.

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A Wonky & Wayward Moment

The past week has felt wonky and weird, and every time I’ve gone out anywhere the roads have been filled with madness and drivers making very questionable decisions. I’ve felt it in stores and restaurants too, almost to the point where I’ve looked around to see if Candid Camera was still operating from some 80’s time capsule. It felt that extreme, and I couldn’t understand why since we’ve already had a full moon.

Then someone posted that Mercury is again in retrograde, and will be until April 25. 

Well fuckety-fuck we are oh-so-fucked.

Knowing that, however, alleviates some of the anxiety that a world suddenly gaslighting me had put into my head. It’s not that the whole world has conspired against me – it’s just Mercury in retrograde! This isn’t your fault, this isn’t my fault – this is Mercury’s fault! And now that we know, we can embrace these little attacks and brush them off with customary nonchalance. 

Enjoy the roller coaster ride until April 25 my friends! 

Here, have a bouquet of peony tulips to ease the trauma.

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#TinyThreads: An Insignificant Series

“He was like the cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow.” ~ George Eliot

This is not about me.

#TinyThreads

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A Downtrodden April Recap

Without any full-frontal April Fool’s shenanigans, this weekly recap finds us looking back at a week that still felt very much like winter, with a snowstorm that felled some of the most stalwart of souls, as evidenced quite plainly in the below photo of a downtrodden daffodil. Best to put all of that to rest and look ahead to brighter days…

It all began with a cake-pop, which gave more hope than the week ever delivered.

The Worm Moon reared its full-blown head, though no earthworms were to be found.

Precious cargo indeed.

‘Boy Culture’, helmed by the magnificent Matthew Rettenmund, is still my go-to-site for gay culture. 

Sometimes the best option for the day is one that cannot be accessed. That’s when you have to make smaller choices.

Snow in spring is complete and utter bullshit.

Cry more, kids.

A musical post for the dark spring nights, not the bright spring mornings.

Our family Easter parade.

As I’m finalizing reservations for our wedding anniversary weekend in Boston, a choice of two gift ideas.

Dazzlers of the Day included Jeremy JordanEva NoblezadaAli Louis Bourzgui, and Jeremy Gloff.

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A Reach & A Possibility for an Anniversary Gift

Our wedding anniversary trip to Boston takes place a few days earlier than usual this year, thanks to the way the calendar falls, and in anticipation for that here’s a very short wish-list, starting with an exquisite Movado watch in purple and lavender. At $395, it’s one of the less-expensive offerings from that esteemed watch house, but that’s still way too much for an anniversary gift (this is our 14th, so we’ll go bigger next year) and our funding is less than ideal with home improvements and car upgrades. 

Instead, I’m really hoping for a more reasonable bottle of cologne that just went on a super-sale here. It’s the 1.7 oz. selection of ‘Carnal Flower’ – a polarizing scent that I first smelled on an elegant woman at the Quill bar in Washington, DC on a trip with Suzie. She sat down beside us and I was so entranced by the way it worked on her that I got over any shyness and asked her what perfume she was wearing. She told us in a shy voice, perhaps not entirely comfortable with the ‘Carnal’ reference – which is precisely at odds with the attitude you need to pull this off. After 48 years on earth, I’ve learned and earned that attitude.

This bottle of ‘Carnal Flower’ is what I’m hoping Andy will order early (while it’s on sale) and bring to Boston so it can form a new olfactory memory from an anniversary escape I’m currently planning…

PS – I wouldn’t say no to this gloriously-garish cocktail ring either, in size 10… 

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Dazzler of the Day: Jeremy Gloff

Fellow Madonna fans hold a special place in my heart, and when they are dazzling in their own right, that makes them all the more captivating. Case in point is our Dazzler of the Day, Jeremy Gloff, whose take on the Madonna Celebration Tour encapsulates what so many of her lifelong fans felt when seeing the show. This alone would merit a crowning as Dazzler – Gloff also has the multi-talented Renaissance-man act down pat, having paved his way as a singer, songwriter, performance artist and advice columnist. A long list of albums (from 1993’s True Stories’ to 2016’s ‘Those Who Survived’) testify to his legacy, including his electro-homage to the 80’s ~ ‘1987’. Most heartwarming is his recent look-back over his love affair with Madonna – a love-affair that Madonna fans should find resonant and affirming. Check it out below, then say hello to him on Instagram or FaceBook or YouTube.

It’s taken me two days to process and recover from the Madonna concert.
I have a heart that’s prone to melancholy and nostalgia and I found myself sad the morning of the show because it was so close to happening then being over. I felt like it might be one of the best nights of my life…and it was. The evening approached with equal anticipation and dread. To be in my Gloft in Tampa at a Madonna concert with so many of my best friends and loved ones is my happiest of happy places… (I rent out a private loft for concerts that fits 50 loved ones and it’s been dubbed “The Gloft”.)
During the beginning of the concert there was someone dressed on stage as Madonna’s younger self…Madonna said how much she wanted to give her younger self a hug and how that version of her kept her going all these years. And as Madonna played – so so many versions of my younger self unexpectedly reemerged that are all trapped in her songs. I found myself in a state of euphoria but also having to process and deal with these unexpected boxes and vaults being opened song after song. I found myself bursting with joy while at the same time unearthing some scars I’d long buried…
I bought a shitty $15 crown off Amazon and wore it to the show – but to me it felt like a million dollars. In the last few years I’ve found myself getting quieter, more submissive, more “professional”, more happy in solitude. That crappy junk crown unlocked a version of Jeremy I hadn’t felt or known for a very long time. But to truly hold onto him is like hugging the air. As the last song ended I sadly felt him leaving too…
To have Moira Messana stop by the loft and say hi and to graciously meet my friends – hers is a face I saw on a movie theatre screen in a small town over and over in 1991. I knew every word to her scene. When I left that movie theatre I was in a town full of violence and homophobia. It wasn’t a safe world for me at 16 years of age. Moira’s vulnerability and sincerity in ‘Truth Or Dare‘ made her a massive icon to everyone who shared that moment with me. Her lines in the movie became part of our everyday lives and with love.
Decades later she became a friend. I love Moira and her family – she’s such a remarkable, strong woman. Since we became friends we never really talk about Madonna when we hang out. But two nights ago Moira completely became THAT Moira and it was glorious and an explosion of unparalleled joy. My friends were shocked by the surprise. How does the best night ever keep leveling up???? Like Moira said in 1991…”I just wanna see Madonna!”
I haven’t felt as in sync with Madonna in the last few years. I didn’t relate as much to what she was doing for the first time in 40 years. In some ways I was lost without her…but then in other ways I found a new different way without her. To have the Madonna I love so much back and serving as an icon during this show was both exhilarating and unexpectedly confusing.
Because I still want to be Jeremy in 3rd grade 1984 hearing the word “virgin” for the first time, or the Jeremy in high school wearing a gold tooth like Madonna did in “Erotica“, or club kid Jeremy going to raves in the early 90s in Buffalo with pigtails and an Easter basket full of cereal to pass out to other ravers, or 2008 Jeremy releasing an electro album called ‘1987’ and thinking this would be the album to break through, or 2014 Jeremy sitting on the patio of Cappy’s with Lou hearing the leaked demos of “Rebel Heart” and feeling young for maybe the last time. They all disintegrate but they all remain.
Stupid me and my shadows – because although I was surrounded by so much love in my loft my heart was clouded by the friends sitting one section over who don’t talk to me anymore – and once upon a time they were my Madonna friends. I always extend olive branches but generally people don’t grab them and it adds a dark blue directly below my bright yellow. I hate losing friends. I sure wish the universe would extend me second chances but maybe the universe is protecting me too. They were keeping space in my mind the entire time – I wished they were there alongside me and not in the past tense. Nothing really matters – love is all we need.
So it was one of the best nights of my life and two of the saddest days after. I want to be in that moment forever – where I’m wearing a crown feeling free – surrounded by loved ones – and Madonna is reigning supreme again.
During these last few years me and a panel of people discussed each of her albums track by track on my podcast Phonogenics 101. And some of those people were in my Gloft – they flew into Tampa and I got to meet them for the first time in person and share this moment together. Things don’t get any more soul deep than this.
So here we are in April 2024. I love Madonna being front and center again with a tour that appeals to a wider audience. But with that comes all the more general fans complaining about the late start and the lack of A/C. Honey, we’ve been dealing with that for years and years with pleasure. Come join the party…it’s a celebration.
I hope Madonna knows how much she is loved. And I hope my friends know how much I love them. I had it all again for one night – two nights ago. But take a bow…the night is over.
Thank you Madonna for 40 years of safety and love.
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