Category Archives: General

Magnificent Muted Wonder

Following up the recent string of ‘Divine Diva Tour’ posts, which evoke the colorful lifestyle I was attempting to live twenty years ago, this muted post is a more accurate rendering of the present moment, and happily for me it’s richer and more colorful in its own way. If we’re lucky, that’s the way life works – the giddy and extreme highs and lows of our youth should become tempered with reality, and finding the joy in more subtle and nuanced ways is the best way to remain entertained and inspired. A change in perspective is the easiest way to roll with the punches of life – expecting there to be more and more exciting and stimulating things every day until we die is a certain path to disappointment, if not outright devastation. I refuse to go down that path – it’s a path too often riddled with unhealthy coping mechanisms and dangerous ruses. 

Instead, I center myself, breathing slowly and deliberately in and out, and when you think of the luxury that taking a breath in relative comfort is, you appreciate it more, and it becomes imbued with something fascinating you never quite realized before. 

Take these photos for example – outwardly they may seem to pale in comparison to the explosive fire of something like our Divine Diva journey, but when you pause and fully take them in, they reveal bits of magic only discernible to the refined eye. The sparkle of the crystalline snow, the intricate patterns of the tree branch shadows, the way the background could be snow or sky – it invites more questions, more examination, more rumination, more thought – and maybe that’s lost on those of us who have become immune to such simple joys. How unfortunate for anyone that can’t access this beauty. 

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A Valentine’s Day Blog Post

Ahh, Valentine’s Day. 

There is so much love and hatred for a single day, often depending on where your own romantic situation is, and it is foolish and folly in every single aspect. For me, this day has never really been about romantic love – we show and receive love daily if we’re lucky enough to have found our person, and it’s in the simple things like sharing the ride to pick up groceries, sleeping in on lazy Sunday mornings, or simply unwinding beside someone at the end of a day. Valentine’s Day is merely another excuse for a gift or a dinner out – both very much welcomed, don’t get me wrong, but nothing that couldn’t or shouldn’t be done at any other time of the year. My love with Andy is more powerful and resonant than could ever be captured or celebrated in a single Hallmark holiday. 

Instead, Valentine’s Day brings me back to my elementary school days, when sending a Valentine to my classmates was the first introduction to the power of an epistolary hello, and how it could be an art form. As much as I loved seeing my Valentine bag decorated with construction paper hearts and paper doilies fill and drop beneath the weight of the cards from my classmates, I found an equal thrill in dropping their cards into their bags, hoping that the ones I had made or chosen for them would make an impression and properly convey how much they meant to me. 

My friends then were mostly girls – Rachael, Lynn, Jill, Laura, Angie, Tonya – and they made me feel accepted and adored in a way that was never quite there with the boys. Girls could be terrible towards each other, but very rarely were they ever mean to me (unless it was deserved, and yes, it was often deserved but even then they were kinder and more forgiving than I would ever be).

We recently had dinner with Lynn after reconnecting a while ago and she exclaimed with slight exasperation that all the girls loved me in elementary school. It was something I never fully realized then, and as she said it forty years later I started to feel beloved by them for the very first time. It moved me immensely, and I quickly glossed over it so as not to make a mushy scene. That Lynn remembered, and that it had been true, was a soul-healing balm over a tender part of my heart that never quite felt loved back then. Realizing it this late in the game left me humbled and grateful. If that’s what Valentine’s Day has come to mean, then let us have it in high heralded spirits, let us shout about its heart-bursting brilliance and celebrate the idea of love in all its forms. 

Here are a few previous V-Day posts for your perusal – together they create a little playlist for this day:

The Unexpected Valentine: Kissing A Fool

The Modern Day Valentine Mix: Side One and Side Two.

A Valentine Hodge Podge: At This Moment

Crazy Valentine Love: Crazy For You

Valentine Miscellany: Crazy In Love

A Valentine Sweet Treat: Studded With Chocolate 

Hearts of Cheese: Making Love Out of Nothing At All

A Simple Valentine Song: I Only Want To Be With You

A Friendly Valentine: That’s What Friends Are For

A Valentine Folk-You Mix: Side One and Side Two

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The Architecture of Ice

Winter’s talent is in encasing its icy chill in scenes of other-worldly beauty. While driving a frigid dagger into warm flesh, it distracts with the pretty wonders of ice, momentarily sculpting the smallest waves of water into architectural swirls that sparkle in the light of the sun. 

Freezing the dark green needles of the Japanese umbrella pine – an architectural marvel of its own – this winter ice accentuates the beauty of the season, holding a scene of weeping in frozen place. Winter can still the heart that way, forcing us to either gasp in relief or hold it all in, pretending that we are all right with the freeze. 

When I was a young boy, I’d seek out scenes like this on winter walks in the wooded bank behind our home. Water would occasionally pool between tree roots, forming little ponds of ice, or drip beneath the eaves of the pool house, splashing onto an iron fence and dropping icicles in opposition to the steel spikes that pointed upward. 

The whispered secrets of a pine bough, told only in a masked brush of wind, would be silenced in such ice – the chattering and shattering when the wind came again was a telling bit of hell-bent destruction for having tried to quiet them. We will too often hurt ourselves in our efforts to hurt others. 

Winter is a fickle beast who won’t be tamed for a while. 

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A Full Moon Visitor

My Dad left us on a night with a full moon – the Surgeon Moon – and since then every full moon, even with all their mayhem and calamities, has offered a reassuring reminder of his presence. For last night’s Snow Moon, Dad visited in a dream. How strange that an ephemeral experience like a dream could embody such substantial emotions and feel so real. 

In the dream, we were staying in a hotel room, as if we were on vacation, but it was just the two of us. Mom and Paul were out and I was trying to do a bunch of laundry that was on the floor. Dad went into the bathroom to take a shower. He must have been older here, because I remember wondering if he could do it on his own, but I listened to be sure things were ok and they were. I marveled that at his age he could still do things like take a shower without assistance. When it was done, I went in to collect the towels and laundry from the bathroom. 

He sat on a couch and for some reason I asked, “What was the secret… of the lavender river?” He sat there silent and didn’t answer. I said it louder, “What was the secret??”

Still no answer. 

It was a typical Dad moment: he was there, silent and stoic and somehow supportive.

The dream ended. The full Snow Moon floated out there somewhere.

Mom still thinks of him whenever there’s a full moon. Maybe that’s why he was saying a silent hello. 

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The Divine Diva’s Schedule

Having just started posting 2005’s ‘Divine Diva Tour: A Fairy’s Tale‘ I thought I’d give a little technical scheduling note for those already annoyed at it: strap on for the long haul, as I’ll likely be posting this well into spring, perhaps beyond. I’m not doing one big cum-dump of posts like some lame guys who shoot their wad way too early – this one will be deliciously and decadently drawn out so as to elicit every last gasp and groan. An edging session that has already lasted twenty years long…

This is also more than a simple re-posting of something you’ve seen here before – yes, a few of the images have appeared in these parts (hello infamously-immortalized blue Speedo) but the bulk of this project has never before been posted, and more than that, there are numerous photos that didn’t make it into the original tour book because it was a physical entity with physical limits – we now have this online outlet to put it all out there (with some judicious editing to hide the more extreme naughty bits, or highlight them per my whim).

I’ll try to schedule most posts for the weekend, when we need to embrace and lean into our escapes, finding fun where fun can be found in such perilous times, but I’ll sneak a few into the weekdays as well; part of survival means having to find the fun when it’s least expected. You find the fun and – SNAP! – the job’s a game! When I’ve segued into Mary Poppins, it’s time to end the post.

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More than Cocks & Flowers

One of my biggest ‘fans’ recently commented that she stopped reading my blog a long time ago because it was only cocks and flowers.

I wish!

I wish it was that easy.

I wish that was all I had to post.

I wish that I could be content to limit myself to such basic, if fertile, topics. 

Alas, it’s nowhere near the truth, as anyone who has read a week’s worth of posts at any time can truthfully attest. And to provide ample evidence, here’s a brief yet substantial list of some favored posts, none of which have anything to do with flowers or dick. (I’m not exactly selling it, am I?)

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Homage To Herb

After a magnificently pink opening act, the Divine Diva pendulum swings brutally back in another direction, bringing us from the frills of a particular sort of femininity to the main drag of a specific masculinity. The images we have in our minds of what makes a man masculine have largely been created, coded, and curated by gay men – case in point is Herb Ritts and his photography featuring males.

From the iconic ‘Fred with Tires’ – the inspiration and aspiration for this series of pictures – to his video direction for Madonna and Janet Jackson, Ritts was a gay man whose visions conjured the icons of the 80’s and 90’s. His male forms were stereotypically masculine in their greasy garage play and nonchalant tossing of shirts. That a gay man should have molded the ideals and images of male beauty for the mainstream is only fitting, and the way he worked shirtless male models and a wardrobe of simplicity into the fashion world set the tone for the supermodel explosion to come. 

Like most of the world, I was introduced to Herb’s work through Madonna and the iconic cover shots of her ‘True Blue‘ and ‘Like A Prayer‘ albums. Their alchemy created a different kind of magic, one that spoke to a young gay guy on a visceral plane. I remember finding solace in his work during the hot and trying recesses of a summer program at Brown University, where I felt entirely out of place and at odds with the surrounding of other young people my age. At every opportunity I’d escape from the studious pack and spend time in the nearby bookstore that had photo books by Herb Ritts for escapist perusal. His ‘M’ and ‘W’ volumes were not in my syllabus, but I bought them anyway and smuggled the beautiful black-cloth-bound tomes into my dorm room undetected by anyone else. Just being close to art in those days made me feel better about being in the world. Every little bit helped. 

In those pages, I found the strength inherent in talent, the inspiration that weaved through raw beauty, and the early framing of what made for a powerful image. It wasn’t even something I could formulate into words – it spoke to me in a more primal manner, and I, to my own surprise, responded in primal kind. 

“Do you know how sometimes you see a man, and you’re not sure if you want to get in his pants or if you want to cry? Not because you can’t have him; maybe you can. But you see right away something in him beyond having. You can’t screw your way into it, any more than you can get at the golden egg by slitting the goose. So you want to cry, not like a child, but like an exile who is reminded of his homeland.” – Mark Merlis

Wet, wily, wistful, wild – the men in the photographs whispered wanton wants into my all-too-willing youthful winsomeness. Whether I understood that, or had other wishes on my mind, I couldn’t – and I won’t – tell you. Some things are better left unsaid… as someone once sang. 

The original physical version of The Divine Diva Tour Book: A Fairy’s Tale has the lyrics of ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’ printed out to accompany these photos. The song has changed over the years, the way certain songs come to mean new things depending on whether we allow ourselves to grow along with them. Twenty years ago they meant something a little more tender, and ten years before that they were somehow even more precious. Time chisels away at our bodies, like sand blown relentlessly on stone. It slowly softens, insidiously erases, and gradually but entirely dismantles everything we once thought we were. Nothing – and no one – stands victoriously against time. 

~ The Divine Diva Tour: A Fairy’s Tale ~

  1. Pink Frilly Fairy: Part OnePart Two, and Part Three
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A Sleeping Beauty Waltz

My childhood was a charmed one, and a large part of that charm was due to my own fertile imagination. I lived mostly in the woods behind my house, in my bedroom, and in my head – all were the stuff of fairy tales and fantasy. A waltz by Tchaikovsky spoke to me from a Tom and Jerry cartoon, a strange way for a gay composer to find his way into my earliest lexicon, but I heard the call and heeded it in my heart. Beauty spoke to me in my sleep, and in my waking hours I sought her out. 

Why did this music imprint itself upon my brain at such a young age and why did I carry it with me all these years later? Imagined worlds unfurled before me – allowing for escape, allowing for survival, allowing for finding goodness in a place that wouldn’t always find me good. If I could create goodness, if I could conjure beauty, even if it was make-believe, perhaps it would be enough. Whatever gets you through being a gay kid and surviving somewhat intact. 

A waltz. A walk in the forest. A whisper from my future self. 

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It’s a Lamp, It’s a Dandelion… No, It’s Growth

Growth is realizing that this floor lamp, which I would have adored in my childhood, will only ever be a dusting nightmare. (And that it’s heinous.)

#OneToGrowOn

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The Next FAFO Award Goes to the Free Press

“A free press is fundamental to human rights, democracy, and the rule of law.” – Antonio Guterres

Way back when Hilary Clinton was running against the orange blob in 2016, I saw the press do its ‘both sides’ bullshit, and obsess over her e-mails in an attempt to equalize the monster who was already breaking the law. The New York Times has already been proven to have given lopsided coverage to those candidates then, and it only got worse in the ensuing years. Giving any sort of normalized leeway to a man who has been repeatedly shown, and convicted, of breaking the law seems a questionable stance, even and especially if you’re reporting solely on facts. 

Cut to the current moment, after the press helped Trump to a win in the last election. (All the talk about a President’s age dissipated when they finally coerced Biden out of the election, all the wondering of a President’s competence disappeared when there was a black woman running against him, etc.) Now the press offices of the New York Times, NPR, Politico and NBC are being ‘rotated’ out of the Pentagon to make room for OANN and Breitbart. LOL!

Happy FAFO to the Free Press, which is now suffering greatly in print and television form, so congrats  to them on aiding in their own deterioration. 

FAFO – The First Award

FAFO – The Police Union

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The Swans Dance

A swan’s beauty and grace is matched by its brutality in the way of survival. Power and might must be tempered with all that is exquisite; every gift of elegance must be tainted with icy indifference. Nothing is ever perfect, no entity is ever truly divine. That rarely keeps us from trying – to achieve perfection, to achieve divinity, to be something better than we are today

I’ve said that so many times before…

This dance of the swans sets the scene for any sort of magic that I attempted to conjure twenty years ago. It’s a hint of the dance to come – a dance I hope you will join. We need to dance these days. Dancing may be the only thing to keep us from going mad.

One day, in the spring, I found a pile of gray feathers in the backyard. It looked like a morning dove had exploded, but most likely it was the quick work of a hawk or some other larger bird of prey. I don’t think a land animal could have been as vicious or fast enough to do something so devastating. Creatures of the air are more terrifying that way. Like the swans

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A Prologue

Once upon a time, in a faraway land, a young Prince lived in a shining castle. Although he had everything his heart desired, the Prince was spoiled, selfish, and unkind. 

But then, one winter’s night, an old beggar woman came to the castle and offered him a single rose in return for shelter from the bitter cold. Repulsed by her haggard appearance, the Prince sneered at the gift and turned the old woman away. But she warned him not to be deceived by appearances, for beauty is found within. And when he dismissed her again, the old woman’s ugliness melted away to reveal a beautiful enchantress

The Prince tried to apologize, but it was too late, for she had seen that there was no love in his heart. And as punishment, she transformed him into a hideous Beast and placed a powerful spell on the castle and all who lived there. 

Ashamed of his monstrous form, the Beast concealed himself inside his castle, with a magic mirror as his only window to the outside world. 

The rose she had offered was truly an enchanted rose, which would bloom until his twenty-first year. If he could learn to love another and earn their love in return by the time the last petal fell, then the spell would be broken. If not, he would be doomed to remain a Beast for all time. 

As the years passed, he fell into despair and lost all hope
For who could ever learn to love a Beast?”

~ ‘Beauty and the Beast’

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Be Gone, Wretched January

What an awful month this has been, and so far what an awful year, so there is no love lost and no hesitation in saying goodbye to this particular January. Tomorrow begins a new month – the last full month of winter – and I’m working on a release of a project/tour book that I did twenty years ago. That’s if I find the balls to show off some very questionable pics and poses, which is an empty threat, because of course I will. 

As for the final gasp of January, everyone I know is ready to put it to rest, so let’s celebrate the passing of the first full month of winter, all thirty-one days of it, all the awfulness of it, all the trying and terrifying brutality of it…

And starting tomorrow, we will do our best to escape – a flight of fancy fantasy awaits, and a fairy is about to take wing… 

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