Blog Archives

A Queen Poised for the Dance

Madonna’s super-long-awaited studio album, ‘Confessions 2’, kicks off its promotional-storming tomorrow as the first single is supposedly going to be released. Her first album since 2019’s ‘Madame X’, this is also a return to the promising dance-floor arena where she has always executed her greatest flexes. Reportedly a sequel of sorts to 2005’s ‘Confessions on a Dance Floor’, possibly her last near-perfect album in its entirety. At this point I’ve mostly given up on her matching the other-worldly brilliance that was the ‘Ray of Light’ masterpiece, but the original ‘Confessions’ was a genius move in its own way, and if ‘Confessions 2’ approaches such glory, the queen will handily regain her throne (again).

Initial looks at the visuals for this one are scintillatingly enthralling – the color scheme, the art direction by those who did LUX and BRAT, and the throwback references to the first ‘Confessions’ comprise a release by her original Warner Brothers label that finds her coming home in more than one way.

This lilac spring was in need of a jolt, and this springboard is precisely what the disco ball spins for: escapism through the dance. With its projected release date of July 3, we’re going to have an epic, hot, solid gold summer, rife with confessions and filled with the sort of sweaty passion that can only be found on the dance floor.

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She’s Still Madonna

With her penchant for questionable social media output over the last couple of years, and the unfortunate ‘Madame X‘ touring experience (no real fault of her own), the sparkle and shine of Madonna, once unassailable, seemed like they might be losing some of their luster. And then she opened last night’s Video Music Awards with a surprise appearance, reminding us all that for forty years she’s been hand in hand with MTV (more or less) and giving us what we wanted and needed and desired – and that little spark that she had when she first arrived on the scene was once again in full-effect. 

She filmed the Times Square intro a week or so ago, and there was electricity in the air – and as she walked out in her Madame X trench-coat, the magic was back. In fact, I don’t think it ever left – some of us have always been just a little slower to realize the genius and the power. She removed the coat in one swift move, and turned to show off her ample assets

This was the Madonna we met four decades ago – just as fun, just as cheeky, just as challenging – and it’s the Madonna I’ve always loved. With everything we have ever known, or thought we knew, in full fucked-up flux, she’s still Madonna – and thank God for that.

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The Anniversary of Madonna’s Arrival

It’s been more than a hot minute since we’ve celebrated Madonna on this site, mostly because she’s reportedly been in editing mode for the long-awaited ‘Madame X Tour’ and however the hell it’s going to be presented, and her biopic, the status and form of which I’ve lost track. I’ll always be a Madonna fan, but the stand days may be done, and that’s cool. These days, I’m anxiously awaiting her next musical move, because it’s time. Her last album came out two years ago, and this is a long stretch without any musical motion on her part. Perhaps she’ll pull some amazing double-album surprise drop, but that feels like too much to wish for. In the meantime, and in honor of her birthday today, here are a few links to some online moments that celebrate the woman who’s been my main muse for the last three decades. 

Before a proper day of celebration, a good night’s sleep is important. Enjoy this ‘Bedtime Story’ to send you to dreamland.

When all else fails, and you long to be something better than you are today, I know a place where you can get away… 

I have no choice, I hear your voice.

I can dress like a boy, I can dress like a girl. Keep your beautiful words

What do I remind you of? Your past, your dreams, or some part of yourself that you just can’t love

I took a trip, it set me free – forgave myself for being me.

Sex, love, and erotica.

The face of you, my substitute for love.

Happy Birthday, Madonna ~ thanks for being there for all these years. 

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The Madonna Timeline: Song #165 – ‘What Can You Lose?’ ~ Summer 1990

{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released and/or came to prominence in my mind.}

When last we featured a Madonna Timeline entry the focus was on the titular track of ‘Bedtime Stories’ from 1994. Today we go back even further – to that magical summer of 1990 – a summer that may go down as one of my favorite summers thus far in my mid-life. The hollyhocks were higher than we’d ever seen them, the sun was brighter and warmer than it ever felt before, and the first tinges of love and possibility were in the atmosphere. Helmed by an epic trip to the then-Soviet Union – our very first trip away from home for such a distance and such a duration – somehow we held onto the tenderness of youth while boldly bounding toward the first attempts at adulthood. That Madonna and Stephen Sondheim should write the soundtrack to such a time is brilliantly fitting. 

Having just been entranced by the magic that was ‘Into the Woods’ and its themes of childhood, growing up, and letting go, while also cresting into the white-hot pinnacle of my burgeoning fandom of Madonna, the soundtrack to ‘Dick Tracy’ was one of those moments where material, Madonna, and my own personal journey intersected for a touching musical moment. This song brings me movingly back to that time, and while it tells the pensive and tentative tale of a romance that never quite happens, for me it was more about an impending loss of innocence, something I sensed was happening, and something that I took with equal parts anticipation, dread, and resignation. 

The adventures I sought in the forests of Minsk, the laughter with girls at midnight – always safely platonic, always more lasting and resonant because of that – the stolen minutes in sun-lit hotel rooms before boarding the bus again – a summer in Russia held a romantic allure before any of us even understand the slightest about romance. From the bulbous towers of St. Basil’s Cathedral to the wild-flower-festooned meadows surrounding castles in Pskov, we traversed the country, in a whirlwind tour of cultural exchanges and adolescent drama. We learned and experienced as much about this country half-way around the world as we did about ourselves and each other. Our gang of friends solidified – a little group from New York meshing with a little group from California – bringing two sides of our country together while bridging our two countries, and in the exuberant innocence and wonder of that, we somehow made the world a little better simply by expanding our own limited views and experiences. Travel, and at such a young age, brought an early sense of humility and wisdom that has enriched and informed my ever-expanding journey ever since. 

What can you lose?
Only the blues
Why keep concealing everything you’re feeling?
Say it to her, what can you lose?
Maybe it shows
She’s had clues, which she chose to ignore
Maybe though she knows
And just wants to go on as before
As a friend, nothing more
So she closes the door

This duet between Mandy Patinkin and Madonna was a poignant cornerstone of the ‘I’m Breathless’ soundtrack and the ‘Dick Tracy’ movie – lending a grounded and human element to the over-the-top and cartoonish technicolor grandeur of that time period. So much of what Madonna did at that moment was glamorous and haughty, and as much as I loved that side of her, as much as I needed that side of her to push me to simply walk into a room of my peers when my social anxiety was pulling me back, I also wanted to see her vulnerability, to feel her own pain and loss and doubt. It selfishly made me feel a little better about mine. 

As our American troop returned from Russia to our homeland, I remember riding the bus back into Amsterdam, into our tiny hometown surrounded by fields of corn, and feeling different, like we had crossed the threshold into young adulthood, and understanding that we would not be going back. The evening sun was setting – the same sun that had illuminated Russian skies deep into the night – and the darkness was already coming on earlier than it had from when we had departed just a few weeks before. Can a boy grow into a young man on a single trip around the world? In some ways – in so many ways – I think he can. 

Well, if she does
Those are the dues
Once the words are spoken
Something may be broken
Still, you love her
What can you lose?
But what if she goes?
At least now, you have part of her
What if she had to choose?

As the Madonna Timeline is entering the winter of its run, and as we close in on the final songs still left unexamined in my collection, it seems a ripe moment to look over the other songs from the ‘I’m Breathless’ section of Madonna’s career. A unique album in a career of unique albums, this would be the closest Madonna would come to producing her own Broadway musical (‘Evita’ had already been written by someone else). 

The album encapsulated the summer of 1990 – and as our People-to-People exchange group re-convened at my home a week after our return, already we felt the change and the oncoming chill in the air. I mourned the early summer sense of possibility that now felt behind us, growing ever-distant in the rear-view mirror, and the magical time in Russia with friends old and new, now once again separate and removed from the mundane moments that were once so special. Maybe I just missed my friends, and the day-to-day connections we shared only when in such close proximity. Maybe I missed the freedom of being more or less on our own at a time in our lives when we needed that first dose of independence. Maybe I missed my childhood, and the way it felt like Sondheim’s ‘No More’… 

It was one of those ‘Stand By Me’ summers, the kind that pass before we truly realize their magnitude and meaning. By the time fall crept into the nights, and the hollyhocks shriveled and browned, dropping some of next year’s crop of seeds onto the garden floor, holding up others high in the sky, I stood alone in the backyard, back where the summer began, and everything felt changed. Would I ever realize the magnificence of the moment during the actual moment? And did it even matter? Perhaps it was better to not understand the import of what was happening as it happened. Perhaps that would cripple us, stop us in our tracks. 

Leave it alone
Hold it all in
Better a bone
Don’t even begin
With so much to win
There’s too much to lose

Madonna put a fitting exclamation point on that summer with her performance of ‘Vogue’ in Marie Antoinette garb – all glamour and arrogance and nary a bit of vulnerability. Girding my loins for the school season to come, I channeled that and let go of the subtle loss of ‘What Can You Lose?’ It was an act of survival when the safety of summer slipped away, and somewhere in the secret recesses of my heart, I pulled the sacredness of those days tightly within that inner fortress. It has remained there, and I’ve only shared a bit of it with you because it’s still that important to me. Most of us retain some of our childhood in such secret fashion, keeping the most magical moments only for ourselves, and the ones who originally shared it with us. I’m not ready to lose that. 

Song #165 – ‘What Can You Lose?’ ~ Summer 1990
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In Madonna’s Own Words

On the US opening night of her MDNA Tour, a few words from Madonna:

“My show
Is a journey
The journey of a soul from darkness to light
It is part cinematic musical theatre.
Part spectacle and sometimes intimate Performance art.

But above all it’s a journey
From darkness to light
From anger to love
from chaos to order.

It’s true there is a lot of violence in the beginning of the show and sometimes the use of fake guns – but they are used as metaphors.
I do not condone violence or the use of guns.
Rather they are symbols of wanting to appear strong and wanting to find a way to stop feelings that I find hurtful or damaging.  In my case it’s wanting to stop the lies and hypocrisy of the church, the intolerance of many narrow minded cultures and societies I have experienced throughout my life and in some cases the pain I have felt from having my heart broken.

Ultimately as we follow through the journey of my story,  the audience can see quite clearly what I see – That the enemy is within and the only way to survive Disappointment Disapproval Judgment Heartbreak Jealousy Envy And Hatred Is with Love -  not with revenge – not with guns and not with violence.

In spite of all the chaos and darkness and intolerance we seem to be encountering more and more in the world, We cannot allow our anger or bitterness to swallow us up.
We  come to understand that
There is an innate and pure love inside us all and we have to find a way to tap into it.

And we can’t do it by being victims or placing the blame or pointing the finger at  others.
But by recognizing that the enemy is within

And when we come to terms with it

And accept it

And struggle to change ourselves,

Then we can change the world without hurting anyone and we can inspire others to do the same.

When you watch a film there are usually good guys and bad guys to help illustrate this point,

Sometimes I play both.

I enjoy acting out this journey.

For none of us are perfect and we all have our own journey of growth to go on.

I know people can relate to it.
It’s very important to me as an artist  that my show not be taken out of context.

It must be watched with an open heart from beginning to end. I am sure if it is viewed this way,  the viewer will walk away feeling inspired, invigorated and will want to make the world a better place.

And this of course was always my intention.”

-Madonna

 

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When In Doubt, Do Madonna

A quick note of congratulations to my friends Wally and Carolyn, who welcomed their baby boy Brandon Wallace into the world, on Madonna’s birthday of all dates. With a blessing like that, this child is destined for greatness.

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The Madonna Timeline: Song #74 ~ ‘Dear Jessie’ – Spring 1991

{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle, and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released and/or came to prominence in my mind.}


Baby face don’t grow so fast
Make a special wish that will always last
Rub this magic lantern
He will make your dreams come true, for you
Ride the rainbow to the other side
Catch a falling star and then take a ride
To the river that sings and the clover
That brings good luck to you, it’s all true…

Once upon a time I played the oboe. I wasn’t horrendous at it, but I certainly wasn’t the best. The oboe is not an easy instrument to play, and its temperamental home-made double-reed nastiness is not the easiest thing to master, but I did my best. No teacher in the Amsterdam School District had a strong-enough background in the oboe, so if I was to excel I had to get private lessons from someone outside the area. My goal, half-concocted by my parents to pad my extracurricular activities for my college career, was to make it into the Empire State Youth Orchestra.

Thus began my oboe lessons under the tutelage of a Mrs. Green, who lived a few towns away, in Ballston Spa. It was about a 45 minute trek through the back roads and winding woods of upstate New York, heading from Amsterdam towards Saratoga. Not at all an unpleasant ride, if you’re making it for happier reasons than weekly instrumental lessons, and not the most fun in the treachery of winter, but a pretty enough journey nonetheless.

It can also be a long road when a tortured adolescent is not speaking to his family, so perhaps both my Mom and I were glad for the silence-filler of Madonna on perpetual play. For some reason, this song stands out as representative of those journeys, especially in the spring to summer of 1991.

A cut from her majestic ‘Like A Prayer’ album, this was Madonna at her most sensitive and thoughtful, singing whimsical lyrics in a love letter to childhood. With its orchestral intro, string-laden melody, and brass bridge breakdown, this was closest to a ‘classical music’ song that Madonna has ever attempted. As such, it’s an anomaly in the Madonna canon, but a gorgeous one.

Pink elephants and lemonade,
Dear Jessie hear the laughter running through the love parade
Candy kisses and a sunny day,
Dear Jessie see the roses raining on the love parade.

The back-story is that Madonna wrote this for the daughter of her main producing partner at the time, Pat Leonard (the person responsible for some of her most powerful and iconic songs, such as ‘Like A Prayer’, ‘Live to Tell’, and ‘Papa Don’t Preach’.) In that respect, it marks one of the only Madonna songs that is clearly about a specific, and named, person; usually she takes the universal route, one of the calling cards of lasting pop songs. Leonard was an integral part of the now classical period from 1986 to 1989 that cemented Madonna as an icon, and this song is the least she could have done for his child.

It doubles as an ode to innocence and the magic of being a child. So much of Madonna’s persona has been tinged with a childlike, slightly mischievous, impetuous nature (the very anti-thesis of the coldly calculating woman that many mistakenly believe her to be) that this is, remarkably, a rather revelatory dreamscape of pretend.

If the land of make believe
Is inside your heart, it will never leave
There’s a golden gate where the fairies all wait
And dancing moons, for you
Close your eyes and you’ll be there
Where the mermaids sing as they comb their hair
Like a fountain of gold, you can never grow old
Where dreams are made, your love parade
Pink elephants and lemonade,
Dear Jessie hear the laughter running through the love parade
Candy kisses and a sunny day,
Dear Jessie see the roses raining on the love parade.

For me, it was a last grasp at a childhood that was fading just as that Spring and Summer matured. In the car on the way to those oboe lessons, the afternoon sun rendered dappled beneath the bright green canopy, I sat in the backseat, reading or grabbing a nap or simply looking out the window, watching for the tell-tale signs of the seasons. The land seemed greener then, less hot and dry, and summers stretched out without any end in sight.

I honed my oboe skills, learning to make my own reeds by hand, running beeswax alonog the string, soaking the stems until malleable, delicately shaving off the tips to find the perfect sound. Reed-making was as much about luck as science for me, a tricky little part of being a decent oboe player. While other oboe-players ordered pre-made reeds, I was not allowed such ease, and it made me a better player. I understand the result of hard work, and how much more it meant. That summer, I practiced and improved, and by Fall I was ready to audition. Even if I wasn’t as good as the first oboist (I eventually made it into the Repertory Orchestra, and then the Youth Orchestra), I had the satisfaction of knowing how to make a double reed, the pride in crafting my own sound, from my own hands.

On the merry-go-round of lovers and white turtle doves
Leprechauns floating by, this is your lullaby
Sugarplum fingertips kissing your honey lips
Close your eyes sleepy head, is it time for your bed
Never forget what I’ve said, hang on, you’re already there…
Close your eyes and you’ll be there
Where the mermaids sing as they comb their hair
Like a fountain of gold you can never grow old
Where dreams are made, your love parade

It paid off, and whether it was the oboe or my grades or my application essays, I made it into every college to which I applied. (I still remember the recruiter from Boston College challenging me as to what extra stuff I had to offer the school, to which I said I was in several orchestras: “Yeah, but unless you play something like the oboe you’re not that different from everyone else – what instrument do you play?” Yeah, the oboe.)

My heart, however, did not belong to the instrument. I didn’t like performing in concerts (I was a nervous wreck), and I didn’t have the drive or ambition to go much further than the college orchestra at Brandeis (which I was dragged into after much kicking and screaming, and only for one year). I also didn’t have the love for the oboe that a truly great musician must have. The orchestral stints, the practicing, the reed-making – they were simply a means to an end – the end result being getting into a good school. It was a cold and calculated move, devoid of the passion and heat of which any worthy artistic endeavor should be comprised. There was a lesson there too, a very valuable one.

I’d gone into Brandeis with a vague notion, mostly instilled by my parents, that I should major in something scientific. While it was no secret they’d have been thrilled if I went into the medical field, I wanted nothing to do with that. Up until that moment, I’d done what I supposed to do – and my oboe playing, even with its moments of enjoyment, was not something I would have pursued on my own. When given the chance to give it up, I did. Not with anger or resentment, but with the realization that it wasn’t for me.

The same went for my scientific career. After a tough ‘Brain: From Molecules to Perception’ course, in which I managed to go from an ‘F’ to an ‘A’ in the course of a semester, I had to admit that my strengths were not in the sciences, but in the realm of words. It was exactly the opposite of the vision my parents had for, and about, me. I went to my adviser, and changed my major at the end of the second semester. I felt relief, freedom, happiness, and hope. It was the first of many moves where I went against what I was supposed to do, and in the end became richer for it.

Pink elephants and lemonade,
Dear Jessie hear the laughter running through the love parade
Candy kisses and a sunny day,
Dear Jessie see the roses raining on the love parade.

Madonna was leaving her past behind too, saying good-bye to the 80’s – the decade in which she ‘ruled the world’ – and entering the brave new world of the last decade of the century. The rocky period of adulthood loomed ahead of both of us. For now, though, there was this song of childhood. We could hold onto it for a little while longer.

Your dreams are made inside the love parade
It’s a holiday inside your love parade.
Song #74: ‘Dear Jessie’ – Spring 1991
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The Madonna Timeline: Song #73 – ‘Turn Up the Radio’ ~ Summer 2012

{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle, and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released and/or came to prominence in my mind.}

Looks like I jumped the gun on this one by talking about it a few days in advance, but I had no way of knowing that the next random selection of the iPod would be the one I just referenced a week or two ago. This is a historic occasion, as it marks the first time the Madonna Timeline selection lines up perfectly with the current Madonna single. It’s a testament to her endurance, and a fantastic selection for a summer anthem.

When the world starts to get you down,
And nothing seems to go your way,
And the noise from the maddening crowd
Makes you feel like you’re going to go insane
There’s a glow of a distant light
Calling you to come outside
To feel the wind in your face and your skin
And it’s here I begin my story…

This is, at first glance, classic carefree Madonna at her dance-poppy best – a return to her ‘Holiday’ roots, where it all began some 30 odd years ago. (For those who doubt her legendary status, think about this: it just entered the Billboard Dance chart as her 60th entry there. That’s right, 60.)

Turn up the radio
Turn up the radio
Don’t ask me where I wanna go
We gotta turn up the radio

Madonna has never been one to look back – it’s one of her most admirable qualities, and the very thing that has kept her forward-moving career on that one singular track. A lot of her fans would have her simply repeat former-glories, but that’s never been her way. Even if she winks back at what she’s done (as she does both in this song and its accompanying video), she’s never been about the past.

It was time that I opened my eyes
I’m leaving the past behind
Nothing’s ever what it seems
Including this time and this crazy dream.

She’s also been about the power of a pop song to transcend its limited boundaries, becoming an epiphany unto itself – the very act of escapism as its own goal – and ‘Turn Up the Radio’ re-asserts her mastery of the genre. I’m not going to claim there’s anything ground-breaking here, and those who have never been under her spell may cry banality (like they always do when dissecting her lyrics), but the glorious majesty of a catchy melody wins out. Score one for ear candy over lyrical dinner. And yet there may be something deeper here…

I’m stuck like a moth to a flame
I’m so tired of playing this game
I don’t know how I got to this stage
Let me out of my cage cause I’m dying
Turn up the radio
Turn up the radio
Don’t ask me where I wanna go
We gotta turn up the radio

At first I thought this was going to be a straight-forward reading of a perfectly-crafted summer pop ditty. The infectiousness is there, the timeliness is present, the video is a slightly nostalgic reminder of the simple premise of having a good time, but the last few times I was listening to this (in the shower, of course, and in the car), a new reading struck me.

I just wanna get in my car
I wanna go fast and I gotta go far
Don’t ask me to explain how I feel
‘Cause I don’t want to say where I’m going…

Maybe it was the rocky start to this season, and the resulting melancholy (the nightmare of jury duty still haunts me), but it suddenly seemed that this song wasn’t just about having a good time, it was about insisting upon it – begging, pleading, and crying for it. This wasn’t a simple ode to a joyful moment. This was a desperate cry for escape and deliverance.

It brought to mind Adrienne Rich’s poem ‘The Ninth Symphony of Beethoven Understood At Last As a Sexual Message’ in which the poet turns the ‘Ode of Joy’ by Beethoven into a harrowing description of rage and anger. This was what I was thinking about when trying desperately to get back into the song, to find the joy again. I found myself singing, and then screaming, along with these very lyrics, this part right here, and I couldn’t tell the tears from the shower water or the rain, I just pounded wet fists against whatever would withstand them.

Turn down the noise and turn up the volume
Don’t have a choice cause the temperature’s pounding

As the percussion trampled with its stomping beat and the music raced to its inevitable release, I tried tearing a hole in my despondence, ripping away at the heart that gave both light and darkness, inconceivable happiness and inconsolable sorrow, in a dance of desperation ~ a dance to the death of something.

If leaving this place is the last thing I do,
Then I want to escape with a person just like you

The torrents fall down, the world crashes around, and like flotsam I feel like I’m floating in the lost abyss of an open sea, drifting and flailing and powerless to the ebb and flow of a life swirled beyond my control.

Bopping around like a moth to a flame,
I’m so sick and tired of playing this game

And I cling desperately onto the silly things that once mattered, that once seemed to make all the difference, and nothing seems to help. It is all so pointless, so futile, so damning – and so we fight for the fun and escape, for the way out of our miserable little lives, for the only way we know how.

We gotta have fun, if that’s all that we do
Gotta shake up the system
And break all the rules,
Gotta turn up the radio until the speakers blow.

Song #73: ‘Turn Up the Radio’ – Summer 2012

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The Madonna Timeline: Song #72 – ‘I Want You’ ~ Fall 1995

{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle, and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released and/or came to prominence in my mind.}

I want you the right way
I want you, but I want you to want me too
Want you to want me baby
Just like I want you…

The Fall of 1995 marked a transition period for Madonna. After the chilly years following the Erotica/Sex furor, she had rebounded slightly and was on the precipice of making one of her signature transformations (into Eva Peron). In preparation for that, she released a collection of her ballads, entitled ‘Something to Remember’. Personally, I’ve felt the key to Madonna has always been hidden within her slow songs, when lyrically she gets to be a little more introspective, and sonically we hear the strain and heartache in her voice.

As with her other best-of collections, there were a few new tracks, and the album kicks off with one of them, ‘I Want You’ – a slowed-down trippy take on Marvin Gaye’s soulful classic. Given the Massive Attack treatment, it picks up where ‘Bedtime Stories’ left off – in that sizzling electro-fizzing soundscape that is both intimate and distant. In her great pantheon of moody music, this may be one of her moodiest. As such, it was one of my favorites at the time it came out, though the ensuing years have lessened its scope and power.

I’ll give you all the love I want in return
But half a love is all I feel, sweet darling
It’s too bad, it’s just too sad
You don’t want me no more
But I’m gonna change your mind
Some way, somehow…

There will always be something beautiful about solitude for those of us who have had to endure it. It’s not always pretty, it’s not always easy, it’s not always fun, but it carries its own beauty. The beauty of longing.

Most of us have had those moments, waiting for the phone to ring when it never does, yearning and hoping and fighting the hopeless battle to fight all those feelings, giving in and giving up, crying to yourself, and crying into your pillow, and draining your body of tears and fluid and the ability to feel.

How much have I wanted, how much have I yearned, and how much was ever returned? That kind of deficit can never be made up, no matter how many people come to love you. A whole world of love can never fill that emptiness, and when someone tries, when someone starts to love you back, you’re never entirely sure what to do with it.

One way love is just a fantasy
To share is precious, pure and fair
Don’t play with something you should cherish for life
Oh baby, don’t you wanna care?
Ain’t it lonely out there?

I don’t recognize that person anymore. Vestiges certainly remain, after-effects linger, but for the most part he is gone. Practicality, maturity, or simple exhaustion wore out those charged emotional fields years ago. Overwhelmingly, this has been a good thing. At odd times, I miss it. I miss him. I miss the ability to access that kind of ferocious pain, those nights of endless want, these moments of heightened feeling. I miss the sense of being alive… I miss the sense of want.

From our earliest cognition, it is what most of us have done: we want. Whether love or material possessions or understanding or compassion or comfort or happiness, it has always come down to want. Selfish, demanding, all-encompassing want – for him, for her, for those, for that, for more and more and ever more – for life. At the risk of all, I want for everything. It is the human condition. It will never be enough.

I want you, the right way
Want me, baby
Don’t play with something
You should cherish for life.
Song #72 – ‘I Want You’ ~ Fall 1995
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The Madonna Timeline: Song #71 ~ ‘What It Feels Like For a Girl’ – Late Winter 2001

{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle, and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released and/or came to prominence in my mind.}

Girls can wear jeans, cut their hair short, wear shirts and boots, cause it’s okay to look like a boy. But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading, because you think that being a girl is degrading. But secretly, you’d love to know what it’s like, wouldn’t you? What it feels like for a girl…

So quotes Madonna in the intro for her 2001 single ‘What It Feels Like For A Girl’, from the autumnal ‘Music’ album. It’s an excerpt from ‘The Cement Garden’ and it’s brilliant, throwing a defiantly-feminist slant into the whole equation, and investing the proceedings with more than a dollop of serious intent.

Silky smooth
Lips as sweet as candy, baby
Tight blue jeans
Skin that shows in patches
Strong inside but you don’t know it
Good little girls they never show it
When you open up your mouth to speak
Could you be a little weak?
Do you know what it feels like for a girl?
Do you know what it feels like in this world, for a girl?

Above gently-percolating beats, and the fluid, musical techno-wizardry of Guy Sigsworth, the melody is a loose and light one, almost at odds with the rage boiling just under the surface of the words at play. It is a plaintive cry for understanding, coupled with the realization that there may never be understanding – the conundrum of being a girl in today’s world – and, perhaps, yesterday’s world- expressed through the words and music of a woman who’s been every girl: Material Girl, Bad Girl, Mer Girl, and Girl Gone Wild.

The way Madonna conveys that ache and yearning is the hallmark of what makes her so amazing, not just as a woman, but as an artist. Within this song is both an admittance of vulnerability and a beacon of self-sufficiency – the power and the weakness of being a girl.

Hair that twirls on finger tips so gently, baby
Hands that rest on jutting hips repenting…
Hurt that’s not supposed to show
And tears that fall when no one knows
When you’re trying hard to be your best
Could you be a little less?
Do you know what it feels like for a girl?
Do you know what it feels like in this world
What it feels like for a girl?

She has said she wrote it while pregnant with her first son and thinking of her first daughter, wondering how it must be for a girl growing up in this world ~ how hard, how beautiful, how sad. As she matures into her mid-fifties, no one knows that difficult journey better than Madonna. Now, as attacks come based solely on her age, and the fact that she’s a female (how else to explain the cruelty of jabs about her arms, her body, her refusal to go away?) the song has an even deeper meaning. This is one of the great, and often over-looked, strengths of a Madonna song – they evolve through the years, taking on different meanings, and revealing nuances that grow and bloom as time unfurls.

To controversially accompany the song, Madonna filmed a gritty Guy Ritchie-directed video, set rather sorely to a harder-edged remix, which works in one way, but might have been much more powerful with the gorgeousness of the original track as its backing. Juxtaposed with all the intense imagery, the beats become the focus, and the lyrics are shamefully lost. Still, it’s a wild, entertaining ride, with numerous little dirty winks at the audience, and it demands repeat viewings to get it all in.

Strong inside but you don’t know it
Good little girls they never show it
When you open up your mouth to speak
Could you be a little weak?

The song was released in the late winter of 2001, just before Madonna was set to embark on her first tour in eight years, ‘The Drowned World Tour‘. In that pocket of time just before spring arrives, heartache resonates a little more, and the hopeless/hopeful push and pull of this song, and its shuffling undertones of melancholy, may be more deeply felt.

Do you know what it feels like for a girl?
Do you know what it feels like in this world… for a girl?

Song #71: ‘What It Feels Like For a Girl’ ~ Late Winter 2001
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My First Piece of Madonna

This was my very first Madonna poster. It hung in my childhood bedroom in the summer of 1991, so this is sort of a summer memory – the summer I came to love Madonna. It was right around the time when ‘Truth or Dare’ was released, and the movie won me back into the Ciccone fray. Then and there I became a fan for life. True, I had always adored her music – and she was the first artist whose albums I listened to and loved in their entirety – but this was the first piece of pop icon memorabilia that I deigned to put on the wall – as much for its content as for its own artistic merit (how cool is this for a poster?)

It was a good summer, for the most part, one of the last before adolescence got in the way and things really fell apart, and I remember staring up at this poster on my wall late at night, lying on the floor in front of the air conditioning vent, idly reading the immensity of ‘David Copperfield’ and living, in my head, the horrors and fascinations of Dickensian England. Those nights, spent in solitude with the door closed, and the lights on, were both a relief, and a prison. I looked out onto the street, hidden and obscured by the darkness, and the thick leafy expanse of an ancient, thorny hawthorn that rose up to and beyond my second floor window. A street lamp glowed on the island in the middle of the road, throwing its chemical light over the grass and pavement.

The world beyond my window was supposedly a dim and frightening one, but I couldn’t wait to enter it. On some nights I would sneak out the kitchen door, steal into the night, and wander the neighborhood streets. Prowling into the earliest hours of the morning, when most of the houses were already asleep. Once in a while the light of a television would flicker on the ceiling, or someone would be on their front step smoking. We shared the secret chambers of the sleepless. There was a camaraderie among those of us out in the darkness, an unsaid connection between anyone whose province is the night.

Back in my bedroom, Madonna watched over things until my return. I looked up at the glow from my window, wondering what others saw, wondering if anyone noticed.

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The Madonna Challenge to Isaac

Indulge me, if you will, in a little moment of common-sense assumption: what self-respecting citizen of this universe does not know ‘Like A Prayer’ by Madonna? It was the first Madonna song that won both critical and popular acclaim, topping the charts when it was released, and it remains one of her most beloved songs by fans and non-fans alike. (Even those “people” who don’t like Madonna tend to give it up for ‘Like A Prayer’.) So you can imagine my delight when, on an unlikely evening of karaoke at a local bar, I saw that my pal Isaac was going to perform the song, kamikaze-style.

Is it really possible to kamikaze someone with a Madonna song? Especially ‘Like A Prayer’? I repeat, who doesn’t know it?

Enter Isaac.

After knocking out a couple of Doors’ ditties, surely he’d transform ‘Like A Prayer’ into a highlight of the evening, leaving us aghast at his expert musical maneuverings, imbuing the song with a new grace and power, igniting the chorus with vocal stylings and flourishes the likes of which haven’t been heard since the glory days of the rat pack, melding past and present, rock and pop, into an orgiastic amalgamation of pure unadulterated funky freshness.That is not quite what happened. Words like ‘travesty’, ‘disaster’, and ‘debacle’ seem too quaint for what we witnessed that night. The wreck of a performance found Isaac begging for someone to salvage something of the song, to no avail. The damage was done, the words seemed to be highlighted faster than he could read and fit them into the song, the hapless people trying to help him at the end could only barely bring things up to a base level of ‘horrendous’.

I was stunned. It took a few minutes for me to collect myself (and the second of my two-for-one drinks), before I cautiously made my way over to Isaac and used all my self-control not to slap him on behalf of the Church of Pop Culture and the Lady of Creamy Smooth Pop Icon Goddessness. He offered apologies and amends – and promised to make it up by learning one Madonna song (my choice) should we ever find ourselves in a karaoke situation together again. I felt that was fair. The only question that remains is which song…

In 2005 Madonna included a song called ‘Isaac‘ on her Confessions on a Dancefloor album, but I think that might prove a bit too obscure for a karaoke song, even if it was named after him. I toyed with her Sondheim work forDick Tracy, thinking that might be more suited to Isaac’s theatrical speed, as well as her turn as Evita by way of Andrew Llloyd Webber, but both of those diluted the Madonna I knew – the Madonna of ‘Like A Prayer’, and the Madonna that Isaac had so sacrilegiously blasphemed. For him to make proper atonement, it would have to be something more pop, more dance-like, more… Madonna.

He asked that I take into consideration his range of keys, but that proved almost impossible to tell by the wretched atrocity perpetrated upon ‘Like A Prayer’. However, to be fair and give him a fighting chance, I’m going to give him the choice of five:

Sorry – It fits the theme of redemption.
Dress You Up – Straight-up Classic Madonna at her pop best.
Hanky Panky – Because a spanky is the least he deserves, (and it would be hilarious to see him, or anyone, sing this).
Ray of Light – Not the easiest song to sing (even Madonna gets tripped up sometimes), but a crowd-pleaser if done right.
Open Your Heart – It’s just a great fucking pop song.

He can decide which one best suits his voice. Don’t ever let it be said that I don’t give people a chance. Isaac, learn this lesson well, and you’ll live to tell.

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The Madonna Timeline: Song #70 ~ ‘Sorry’ – Winter 2006

{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle, and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released and/or came to prominence in my mind.}

I’ve heard it all before
I’ve heard it all before
I’ve heard it all before
I’ve heard it all before…
I don’t wanna hear, I don’t wanna know
Please don’t say you’re sorry
I’ve heard it all before
And I can take care of myself
I don’t wanna hear, I don’t wanna know
Please don’t say ‘Forgive me’
I’ve seen it all before
And I can’t take it anymore.

Driving, pedal to the metal, through the cruel winter of upstate New York. I’m upset at something or someone, and it’s a righteous resentment, a wrathful anger. I’m mad at the world, my rage will not be contained, and the only way out is through this song. It is not the first time a Madonna song proves a savior and a means of survival, and it likely won’t be the last.

You’re not half the man you think you are
Save your words because you’ve gone too far
I’ve listened to your lies and all your stories (Listened to your stories)
You’re not half the man you’d like to be
I don’t wanna hear, I don’t wanna know
Please don’t say you’re sorry
I’ve heard it all before
And I can take care of myself
I don’t wanna hear, I don’t wanna know
Please don’t say ‘Forgive me’
I’ve seen it all before
And I can’t take it anymore.

By the time this song was released, I’d already been with Andy for about five years, so it had been a while since a man had done me wrong, but not long enough to have me forget. Some kinds of pain cannot be forgotten. Most of us have been there at some point or another, whether we like to admit it or not. The more calm people may have a better way of dealing with it ~ weeping quietly to themselves or categorically eradicating that person from their lives ~ while others may thrash and crash and burn everything around them. I’m somewhere in the middle, having done a little of all of the above. Usually though, I’ll put my anger into a thinly-veiled post, or take a ride and play something like ‘Sorry’ at ear-throttling volume, singing (well, screaming) along with the words, until the anger exits my system, or at least dissipates a bit before returning home.

Don’t explain yourself ’cause talk is cheap
There’s more important things than hearing you speak
You stayed because I made it so convenient (made it so convenient)
Don’t explain yourself, you’ll never see.

While the song is clearly aimed at a lover-done-her-wrong (at that point in her life it would likely have been Guy Ritchie), I don’t always use it as the soundtrack for any grumpiness on Andy’s part. More often it’s for anger directed at wrong-doings by the world, or work or something equivocally unimportant. That’s why a relatively-silly song like this works. I save my serious anger and disappointment for the ballads.

I don’t wanna hear, I don’t wanna know
Please don’t say you’re sorry
I’ve heard it all before
And I can take care of myself
I don’t wanna hear, I don’t wanna know
Please don’t say ‘Forgive me’
I’ve seen it all before
And I can’t take it anymore.

This is one of my favorite Madonna songs – maybe not Top Ten, but possibly Top Twenty (the only thing missing may be a sung-through bridge) – and at the time it came out (2005/2006) it was her best since ‘Music’. Nobody throws a dance-floor tantrum better than Madonna, as exemplified by the roller-skating video follow-up to ‘Hung Up’. It prompted a slight resurgence in corsets, and even a bump in Farrah Fawcett feathers. It’s also fun as hell, cheeky as ever, and a reminder of what Madonna does best.

I’ve heard it all before
I’ve heard it all before
I’ve heard it all before
I’ve heard it all before.
Song #70: ‘Sorry’ ~ Winter 2006
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The Madonna Timeline: Song #69~ ‘Some Girls’ – Spring 2012

{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle, and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released and/or came to prominence in my mind.}

Some girls can do anything
Whole world hanging on a string
She is flawless, a virgin saint
(Like a virgin… sweet & clean.)
Some girls got an attitude
Fake tits and a nasty mood
Hot shit when she’s in the loop…

Whoo-hoo! Our very first selection from Madonna’s latest, ‘MDNA’, has made it onto the timeline. While ‘Some Girls’ may not be the best song on the album, the record is so strong that even its weak offerings are substantial. This song illuminates what I’ve always felt was Madonna’s slightly ambivalent relationship with women – both in their role as friends and confidantes, but also as people to be watched with a wary eye.

Some girls gotta fake it through
One drink and it’s all a blur
Cash now if you wanna flirt…
Some girls goin’ off the deep end
Some girls livin’ for the weekend
Some girls like to get their freak on…

In one of the many biographies written about her, it was reported that Madonna didn’t liked to be in company of beautiful women, that she felt threatened by them and insisted she be the star attraction in any given room. Taking that with a grain of celebrity-biography salt, I do wonder if there are bits of truth to it. She is notorious for making herself the sole blonde in all of her stage shows (back-up singers and dancers who are any shade brighter than brunette need not apply), and the women who feature alongside her in videos are well-relegated to background status.

Some girls make a scene
Shoot their mouth and talk obscene
Cryin’ in a limousine
(Cryin’ in a limousine)
Some girls make you feel like a rocket, hard as steel
Some girls only ever like to tease
(Some girls only like to tease)
Some girls are not like me
I’m everything you ever dreamed of
I’ve got you beggin’ baby please…
I’ve got you beggin’ baby please.

Yet one of her main messages through the years has been the original rallying cry of Girl Power. The tongue-in-cheek aspects of’Material Girl’ and her Boy-Toy belt-buckle phase, the stripper-in-command power of ‘Open Your Heart’, the seductive crotch-grabbing power-suit of ‘Express Yourself’, the sexual libertine of ‘Erotica’, and the take-no-prisoners rebel of ‘American Life’ have each posited questions of female domination in a world largely run by men, and the question has mostly been answered by Madonna ending up on top (of fame, fortune, influence, and power).

I am not like all the rest
Some girls are second best
Put your lovin’ to the test you’ll see…

‘Some Girls’™ is a contradictory collective of praise and criticism of other ladies. This is much more pointed and jaded, highlighting the notion of competition. At this point (30 years from her first single ‘Everybody’), she has left virtually all wanna-bes in the dust at one point or another, and it looks unlikely that anyone will take her mantle as best selling female artist of all-time, yet she still seems to feel their heat. Maybe it’s more personal – prior to marrying Guy Ritchie she had seen a number of former romances find long-term love and children shortly after moving on to other women (Sean Penn, Warren Beatty). It seems to have happened again with Mr. Ritchie, who recently had another baby of his own with another woman.

Maybe Some Girls aren’t career competition, maybe Some Girls are a little bit more, and maybe Madonna is still a little scared of Some Girls.

Some girls are not like me,
I never wanna be like some girls.
Some girls are just for free,
I never wanna be like some girls.

Song #69: ‘Some Girls’ – Spring 2012

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The Madonna Timeline: Song #68 ~ ‘Fever’ – Late Winter/Early Spring 1993

{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle, and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released and/or came to prominence in my mind.}

Never know how much I love you…
Never know how much I care…

Ahh, Fever. Like so many pop references, I only know Peggy Lee’s ‘Fever’ thanks to Madonna, and after hearing the original (and countless other covers), I really have no preference. Madonna’s version came out as the B-side to ‘Bad Girl’ in the first half of 1993, and at a time when the ‘Sex/Erotica’ backlash was at its worst. As such, an ‘Us’ magazine story recounted the tale of a gym whose patrons only got into the groove when they played the instrumental version of Madonna’s ‘Fever’ – a joke in and of itself.

While I remember the song when ‘Erotica’ first came out in the fall of 1992, and then a brief resurgence when she performed it on ‘Saturday Night Live’ and the Arsenio Hall Show in early 1993, my main memories came in the early spring of that year, when the CD Maxi-Single of ‘Bad Girl’ was on perpetual play, and much of it occupied by the ‘Fever’ remixes.

Catchy as hell, with vocals as dry as my favorite martini, this was not a landmark moment in Madonna’s career, but I do view it favorably, and as covers go she could have done a lot worse (bye bye Miss American Pie indeed). Still, it was mostly filler for the otherwise-brilliant ‘Erotica’ album – and totally unnecessary at that.

Of more import was the video, which went uncharacteristically ignored ~ a pitiful shame, as it stands as a stylist’s dream-stash of images. Jittery, hot, and soaked in flaming color, it set the stage for the brilliant cool-down of ‘Rain’.

What a lovely way to burn.

Song #68 ~ ‘Fever’ – Late Winter/Early Spring 1993

 

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