Golden Globes 2015: The Good, The Bad and the Just Plain Nasty

The Golden Globes are on tonight, and like last year I’ll be Live-Tweeting it (as long as I feel like it). It’s going to be a little hectic again as I’ll be switching between that and ‘Downton Abbey‘ because we don’t have a DVR. (In other words, if I start lamenting Dame Maggie Smith’s decision to wear a hat on the red carpet, you’ll understand why.)

  • First, a note to George Clooney’s wife: if I could touch George Clooney wherever I wanted, I would NOT be wearing gloves, white or otherwise.
  • Eddie Redmayne in velvet tux and bowtie – the man can do no wrong (especially when naked). As for his wife, well, I like that she’s keeping it real.
  • Naomi Watts – I don’t care if it is made out of diamonds, it’s still a snake, and it’s ridiculous. Love the color of the Gucci dress though.
  • Amy Adams in Versace – going for statuesque, failing a bit.
  • Ethan Hawke – chic in that charcoal tux, and damn you for turning back time better than Cher.
  • Kevin Spacey – nice beard!
  • Christine Baranski – I’ve never been the biggest Zac Posen fan, so I’m not excited by this, or the color. (Personal peccadillo.)
  • Lorde – bit of a mish-mosh, bit of a mess.
  • Matt Bomer – navy tux, dapper do, mesmerizing eyes. (I think Ryan Seacrest got a little lost in them.) He still looks better in a  thong.
  • Andrew Rannells & Lena Dunham – power (bottom) couple of the night.
  • Please tell me Amy Poehler is pregnant. I will forgive that dress only if that is the case.
  • Emily Blunt – Michael Kors gives a Grecian twist, as does her hair,
  • Jessica Chastain – Versace knows how to craft a garbage bag that makes the tits pop.
  • Allison Williams – resplendent in red Armani Prive.
  • Siena Miller – I’m torn over this dress by Miu Miu. Sections of the fabric are exquisitely gorgeous, sections of it are not.
  • Michael Keaton – black tuxedo. In the words of Miranda Priestley, “Groundbreaking.”
  • Uzo Aduba – shimmering beaded glory.
  • Julianne Moore – a silver Givenchy dream, floating on elegant ostrich feathers used in judicious manner.
  • Reese Witherspoon – is that blush or bashful? Whichever, it works.
  • The Gyllenhaal siblings – one in pink, one in a tux. No trick there. (But Jake looks better naked too.)
  • Emma Stone – is that a bow on your ass? Take it off.
  • Bill Murray – Wandering in looking like a wrinkled hobo. There is literally a feather in his cap.
  • Helen Mirren – Loving the bright scarlet, not the embellishments.
  • Channing Tatum – another tux. I won’t even suppress a yawn. Another guy who’s better off naked.
  • Adam Levine – tux. Take it off!
  • Wolfman Matthew McConaughey – also better off nude.
  • Benedict Cumberbatch – a tux that didn’t bore me, mostly because of who was in it.
  • Kevin Hart – Thank you for sprucing up the tux scene with
  • Jennifer Lopez – a slit and two boobs, swaddled in a sparkling cape and drape. (By slit, I mean the dress. Rise above the gutter, please.)
  • Giving Ms. Lopez a run for her peek-a-boo money is Kate Hudson. This is what double-sided tape is for.
  • Anna Kendrick – like a princess, which isn’t always a good thing.
  • Kerry Washington – loving the color and the fabric, but the pattern is not convincing.
  • Viola Davis – some are going to find fault with her mini-mirrors, but I love it.
  • Melissa McCarthy – there are better ways to work with what you have.
  • Alan Cumming – in shades of nude. On its own, I’d shrug, but in a sea of tuxedoes, I’m thrilled by it.
  • David Oyelowo – I like the departure of a sparkling tuxedo – but I fear it reads a little too ‘Solid Gold, filling up your life with music…’
  • Fix your tie, Wes Anderson. Quickly. Too late.
  • Harrison Ford, still rocking that earring. Still looking ridiculous.
  • If Jeremy Renner can pretend to be interested in Jennifer Lopez’s globes, then so can I.
  • I see that Keira Knightley has her bib on.
  • Prince. WTF?
  • Gwyneth Paltrow – the prettiest in pink, and wearing my favorite dress of the evening, mostly because of the color.

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