Viewing Whip Lash, And A Breakneck Golden Globe Dress Rundown

From a marathon of Martha Stewart cooking lessons and a pair of Sunday Football games, to the Golden Globes and a detour to ‘Downton Abbey’, this afternoon/evening of viewing selections has my head spinning. Here are my first-look quick-takes on the dresses of the Golden Globes (I may or may not update these as the evening progresses):

  • Zooey Deschanel – Your fingernails are the biggest joke, the dress a close second.
  • Katherine McPhee – Katherine McSlutty.
  • Claire Danes – Classically gorgeous in Versace – that’s how you do red.
  • Amy Adams – You forgot to do one side of your hair. Not sure which one.
  • Ne-Ne Leakes – Nay-Nay.
  • Julianne Hough – My favorite of the evening. (I like it over-the-top, even the punky hair.)
  • Jodie Foster – So much for bucking badly-dressed-lesbian stereotypes (assuming you’re a lesbian – not sure what you were saying exactly). PS – I will never like navy. Especially beaded navy. What is the point of beaded navy?
  • Olivia Munn – Take that turquoise bead craft basket off this instant.
  • Lucy Liu – Why the ratty side pony, and a dress cut from my mother’s curtains? Why oh why oh why?
  • Jessica Chastain – I love you, and it kills me that your hair was styled like that and your dress so ill-fitting.
  • Jennifer Lawrence – What in the hell is that dress doing to your breasts, and why would you let that happen?
  • Taylor Swift – I actually don’t hate the dress. But I still hate you.
  • Julianne Moore – In Tom Ford. I love him too much to say anything now.
  • Halle Berry – A rare mis-step – wretched and raggedy.
  • Eva Longoria – I think I just saw your labia through that slit.
  • Giuliana Rancic – Love this – elegant, delicate, and a severely chic neck-line.
  • Nicole Kidman – Love you, love McQueen, but this fell short of expectations.
  • Sienna Miller – Lose the bib. Oh wait, that’s your top.
  • Adele – I think you’re gorgeous, but that dress is totally disguising it.
  • Kate Hudson – Sorry, Morticia, those garish golden accents have got to go.
  • The President of the Hollywood Foreign Press – Thank God you were funny. Because your accessories were too.
  • Salma Hayek – You took out one of those Golden Globe kids with either the front or the back, didn’t you?
  • Jessica Alba – I don’t know how it stayed up, but the color and the mermaid tale of the dress were perfection.
  • Bill Clinton – What the fuck are you doing here?
  • Jennifer Garner – That’s a pretty color for a garbage bag.
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