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Category Archives: Music

06
April
2025
Tags: Divine Diva Tour: A Fairy's Tale, Music
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Give Me The Hook Or the Ovation

While I was born in the 70’s and grew up in the 80’s, my main gay awareness arrived in the 90’s, long after the disco world of Gloria Gaynor and this dance version of ‘I Am What I Am’ tore up the floors. I happened upon it on a compilation CD I found in a Provincetown music store, and it wasn’t just because of the underwear-clad male model on the cover, I swear. I also knew the song from ‘La Cage Aux Folles’ so the melody and sentiment were familiar. It spoke to my burgeoning gay sensibility on another plane. 

I am what I amI am my own special creationSo come take a lookGive me the hook or the ovation

It’s my world that I want to have a little pride inMy world and it’s not a place I have to hide inLife’s not worth a damn‘Til you can say, I am what I am

A musical reference to Provincetown feels apt at this moment – and whenever I think of Provincetown I think of little jewels of moments – this one is a snippet of one of my first visits. Making my way back to whatever accommodations I had after a night out, I found myself pausing at the privet fence of a little cottage on some side street off Commercial. The blooms on the hedge, always so simple and unassuming, perfumed the night air; it was the scent of summer, the scent of beauty. 

I am what I amI don’t want praise, I don’t want pityI bang my own drumSome think it’s noise, I think it’s pretty

I remember peering into the cottage windows, where a Tiffany lamp glowed, bathing the space in warm light. It looked so cozy and inviting, and even though it was summer and more than warm enough outside, it was still night. I longed for a place that was warm and lit like that, and while the perfume of the privet flowers tickled my nose, and a night breeze ran its cool fingers through my hair, I couldn’t see that place in my future just yet.

And so what if I love each sparkle and each bangle?Why not try to see things from a different angle?Your life is a sham‘Til you can shout out, I am what I am
I am what I amAnd what I am needs no excusesI deal my own deckSometimes the ace, sometimes the deuces

Peering into the house a little while longer, I wondered at its owners and inhabitants, at the lives they lived, and the people they loved, and in that idea was hope and exhaustion and the exquisite murkiness of what might lie ahead for me. Snippets of whatever gay dance song was big at the moment played in my head, or maybe it was this song, discovered in this town, decades after it first came out, just as I was coming out, just when I needed most to believe…

It’s one life and there’s no return and no depositOne life, so it’s time to open up your closetLife’s not worth a damn‘Til you can shout out, I am what I am

I am what I amAnd what I am needs no excusesI deal my own deckSometimes the ace, sometimes the deuces
It’s one life and there’s no return and no depositOne life, so it’s time to open up your closetLife’s not worth a damn‘Til you can shout out, I am what I am

~ The Divine Diva Tour: A Fairy’s Tale ~

  1. Pink Frilly Fairy: Part One, Part Two, and Part Three
  2. Homage to Herb: Part One, Part Two and Part Three
  3. A Purple-Hued Interlude
  4. Style & Panache: Part One, Part Two, Part Three and Part Four.
  5. Purple Puff Confection: Part One, Part Two, Part Three and Part Four.
  6. A Blue-Hued Interlude
  7. Fuchsia Fabulousness: Part One. Part Two and Part Three.
  8. Bad Boy Bangs: Part One, Part Two. and Part Three.
  9. Vanity Under Where: Part One, Part Two. and Part Three.
  10. Sugar Plum Ballerina: Part One, Part Two, and Part Three.
  11. A Pool Frolic: Part One, Part Two. and Part Three.
  12. A Cemetery Interlude: Part One and Part Two.
  13. Powder Blue Fur Doll: Part One.

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03
April
2025
Tags: General, Music
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Diner Dream Music

There are days when nothing but a diner meal will do.

Dale Cooper understood that.

David Lynch understood that.

And Suzie and I most definitely understand that.

While I usually have the company of a cherished friend along for my diner adventures, there are occasional moments when that’s simply not possible or preferable.

Diners are made for solitary dining, and no one bats an eye at the strange fellow by his lonesome at the end of the long row of single chairs near the kitchen. You can blend in at a diner better than you can blend in almost anywhere else. In a diner, everyone is an oddity, therefore no one is. 

Many an artist has plopped themselves into a diner and thought or wrote or crafted something of significance, something that was more than its greasy, fried origins. Maybe because a diner represents a slice of humanity, as perfectly imperfect as a slice of pie or cup of black coffee. It is where the magnificent and mediocre meet under one tin roof, slightly rusted, and beautiful in an ancient way. 

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01
April
2025
Tags: Music
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Night & Day, Light & Gay

This was supposed to be the morning blog post, but this song. and this version of it in particular, is far too majestically moody to squander in a morning post. This is music for when the sun goes down, when you’re either about to begin your evening out, or winding down for the end of it. It’s the stuff of dreamy nightclubs that may or may not exist in the real world – and if they do you can only find them around midnight. 

When the veil between worlds is at its thinnest… 

Night and day, you are the one
Only you beneath the moon and under the sun
Whether near to me or far
It’s no matter darling where you are
I think of you
Night and day

These old photos go back a long way, probably to around 2008, a time period affectionately known as B.G. (Before Gray). I’m pretty sure they were taken in promotional service of ‘The Circus Project’ which is a dreamy sort of project if you think about it. Quite fitting for our season of the dream. 

Day and night, why is it so
That this longing for you follows wherever I go
In the roaring traffic’s boom
In the silence of my lonely room
I think of you
Night and day

And now, as we enter into an uneventful Tuesday evening – a more dull and mundane Tuesday could not be conjured from the doldrums of average – we straddle the night and the day in a song and dance designed for a dream.

Night and day
Under the hide of me
There’s an oh such a hungry yearning burning inside of me
And its torment won’t be through
’til you let me spend my life making love to you
Day and night, night and day

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29
March
2025
Tags: Divine Diva Tour: A Fairy's Tale, Music
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Sunset Pool Dreaming

From behind the mirrored shade of his sunglasses, he watched the sun descend behind a grand oak tree. This is what was rightly called the golden hour, and everything looked better at this time of the day. The universe moves so quickly, he thought, willing the moment to be still, willing the clock to stop, failing and flailing at every turn. What else to do but listen to a song and hope that a memory sticks?

Dream, when you’re feeling blueDream, that’s the thing to doDream while the smoke rings rise in the airYou’ll find your share of memories there

Remembering summer days is most often a waste of a winter, even if it feels good. If you learn to embrace the winter as much as you embrace the summer, you’ll find that life is a lot happier. Summer feels richer then too. 

So, dream when the day is throughDream, and they might come trueThings never are as bad as they seemSo, dream, dream, dream
But this is spring, and in spring we dream. The Divine Diva Tour is about to take a turn into dreamland – into the fantastical forests of our childhood, when magic reigned and a unicorn lurked around every corner. The tale of a fairy isn’t always a fairy tale, but you’ll see that soon enough. You also have to meet a powder blue ice princess before we head into the woods. Mother said straight ahead, not to delay or be mislead… 
Dream, when the day is throughDream, and they might come trueThings never are as bad as they seemSo, dream, dream, dream, dreamSo, dream, dream, dream

~ The Divine Diva Tour: A Fairy’s Tale ~

  1. Pink Frilly Fairy: Part One, Part Two, and Part Three
  2. Homage to Herb: Part One, Part Two and Part Three
  3. A Purple-Hued Interlude
  4. Style & Panache: Part One, Part Two, Part Three and Part Four.
  5. Purple Puff Confection: Part One, Part Two, Part Three and Part Four.
  6. A Blue-Hued Interlude
  7. Fuchsia Fabulousness: Part One. Part Two and Part Three.
  8. Bad Boy Bangs: Part One, Part Two. and Part Three.
  9. Vanity Under Where: Part One, Part Two. and Part Three.
  10. Sugar Plum Ballerina: Part One, Part Two, and Part Three.
  11. A Pool Frolic: Part One.

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29
March
2025
Tags: Divine Diva Tour: A Fairy's Tale, Music
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A Pink-Coated Pool Frolic

The recent online posting of ‘The Divine Diva Tour: A Fairy’s Tale‘ dovetails neatly with the spring dream theme currently playing out on our website, as our latest entry rekindles a dreamy summer day in the pool – harkening to the past and hinting at the summer to come. Such a crux is fertile ground for mental rumination, and to set the tone, keep scrolling to hear a dream-themed musical selection for your aural gratification. 

Every night I hope and prayA dream lover will come my wayA girl to hold in my armsAnd know the magic of her charms‘Cause I want a girl to call my own I want a dream loverSo I don’t have to dream alone

Dream lover, where are youWith a love, oh, so trueAnd the hand that I can holdTo feel you near as I grow old
‘Cause I want a girl to call my own I want a dream loverSo I don’t have to dream alone

Someday, I don’t know howI hope she’ll hear my pleaSome way, I don’t know howShe’ll bring her love to me
Dream lover, until thenI’ll go to sleep and dream againThat’s the only thing to do‘Til all my lover’s dreams come true‘Cause I want a girl to call my ownI want a dream loverSo I don’t have to dream alone

While it took place over twenty years ago, I still remember this photo shoot – it was a rare one that Andy agreed to do since I was tired of trying to grapple with a tripod in the pool. We’d had a delivery of steaks from my parents, and I hastened to make use of the dry ice in a martini glass.

Fluff and filler, the pictures formed a bit of padding in an already frivolous tour book, but there were darker turns to come, and knowing this I let the photos have their moment. 

Please don’t make me dream aloneI beg you don’t make me dream aloneNo, I don’t wanna dream alone…

~ The Divine Diva Tour: A Fairy’s Tale ~

  1. Pink Frilly Fairy: Part One, Part Two, and Part Three
  2. Homage to Herb: Part One, Part Two and Part Three
  3. A Purple-Hued Interlude
  4. Style & Panache: Part One, Part Two, Part Three and Part Four.
  5. Purple Puff Confection: Part One, Part Two, Part Three and Part Four.
  6. A Blue-Hued Interlude
  7. Fuchsia Fabulousness: Part One. Part Two and Part Three.
  8. Bad Boy Bangs: Part One, Part Two. and Part Three.
  9. Vanity Under Where: Part One, Part Two. and Part Three.
  10. Sugar Plum Ballerina: Part One, Part Two, and Part Three.
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28
March
2025
Tags: Music
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These High Roller Dreams

Spring is slow to announce itself this year, shyly hiding behind the remnants of winter’s chill, even as we beckon her onward. Andy is anxious to get the pool open, though that doesn’t look to happen anytime soon with projected temperatures still in late winter mode. A song then, while spring remains a thing of dreams, and the song comes from decades ago, like the photographs that accompany this post. Time has passed, and continues to run; we are all just playing catch up now. In dreams we have the power to traverse time, to bend it in ways the mind has yet to fully understand. I like that sort of mystery – it keeps the world intriguing without being too endangering. 

Spare a little candleSave some light for meFigures up aheadMoving in the treesWhite skin in linenPerfume on my wristAnd the full moon that hangs overThese dreams in the mist…

Unlocking the secrets to this song might unlock a memory of my childhood. Only vaguely do I recall it on the radio, and roller skating to it at High Rollers. Very much a child of the 1980’s, I was too young to truly take part in any sort of nightlife then, but old enough to have that decade burned permanently into my heart. According to Wikipedia, “The lyrics of the track describe the fantasy world a woman enters, every time she sleeps, when faced with a difficult situation in life.” 

Preach, Wiki, preach.

Darkness on the edgeShadows where I standI search for the timeOn a watch with no handsI want to see you clearlyCome closer than thisBut all I rememberAre the dreams in the mist
Living out one’s childhood in the 80’s was the very best period in which to live out a childhood, though I suppose we all think our childhoods were the best times to have a childhood. In our case, it felt like a more quaint and simple time – a generation before cel phones and social media and all the nonsense that is the current conundrum of human existence. Oh we were far from perfect, and the adults around then sure fucked up a lot of shit that we’re all still paying for – but it was different from the way they’re fucking things up today. 
These dreams go on when I close my eyesEvery second of the night I live another lifeThese dreams that sleep when it’s cold outsideEvery moment I’m awake the further I’m away
This is getting entirely too serious for a Friday night vintage music post, so let’s veer back into the more innocent aspects of the 80’s, and the scene at High Rollers, where colored rows of lights illuminated the roller rink, and I could step into the flow of the other skaters like it was a riotously-garbed river of neon and bangles and frizzy hair. 
Is it cloak and daggerCould it be spring or fall?I walk without a cutThrough a stained glass wallWeaker in my eyesightThe candle in my gripAnd words that have no formAre falling from my lips
These dreams go on when I close my eyesEvery second of the night I live another lifeThese dreams that sleep when it’s cold outsideEvery moment I’m awake the further I’m away
There’s something out thereI can’t resist
The anthemic rock love ballad was something that spoke to me in ways and on levels I didn’t completely fathom. The very first hints of a romantic world began to reveal themselves in the slightest flutter my stomach gave when a cute guy crinkled a smile in a direction that was never mine. The boys whizzing by me in their tight acid-washed jeans barely saw me there – I was slight and shadow and insignificance – and no one noticed until they lowered the limbo rod and I found myself in the top five contenders after everyone else had knocked the thing down. 
The sweetest song is silenceThat I’ve ever heardFunny how your feetIn dreams never touch the earthIn a wood full of princesFreedom is a kissBut the prince hides his faceFrom dreams in the mist

A little wisp of a child, I watched the method of the other skaters, mimicking the leg positions that allowed my limber form to slide beneath the rod without brushing it. When I sensed that I might be the last one able to slide beneath it, and the discomfort of all the watching eyes became too much, I’d lift my back just enough to knock it down. The same way I threw the middle school spelling bee. My shyness kept me mentally and emotionally safe, even as it held me back from being the best. For me, and for what I could handle at the time, it was a worthwhile trade-off; the heat of their gazes left me breathless and almost physically in pain from the world watching me.

One time my brother noticed.

“Why did you do that?” he asked. “You could have had it.”

I pretended I didn’t know what he was taking about. 

At night, I’d imagine what it would be like to be brave enough to win. 
These dreams go on when I close my eyesEvery second of the night I live another lifeThese dreams that sleep when it’s cold outsideEvery moment I’m awake the further I’m away

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27
March
2025
Tags: Boston, Music
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When Boston Dreams… Part Two

Dreams dissipate in daylight, but a dreamy quality pervaded the entirety of this return to Boston. After splurging on a dinner at La Padrona on Friday night, I kept things simple on Saturday, starting with a very early lunch at Pho Pasteur in Chinatown. Spring might have been in the air, but so was the remaining chill of the night and morning. A solitary adventure allows one to be more observant than if one was to be regaling a friend with stories. I miss alone time sometimes. 

Play this record for a dreamy vibe.

After finding some possible anniversary shirts and collecting some food items from Eataly, I spent most of the day walking and planning – finalizing anniversary dining plans and texting them to Andy for his approval. There was magic in the air, and Boston held its usual allure. 

A whimsical walk speaks through images. 

 

I bought some food items at Eataly and had a dinner of nibbling various things at the condo, then headed out to try some cologne (my wished-for anniversary gift) and close the night with a lavender vanilla latte at Jaho. It reminded me of my early days in Boston, when walking around was its own reward and destination, when I thought I was trying to find someone to love but was really just trying to find myself. 

The next morning I got up extra early to get back home – because Andy is home – and I had a quick breakfast at Charlie’s Diner. It was an easy and quick goodbye, because we will be back in May…

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27
March
2025
Tags: Boston, Music
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When Boston Dreams… Part One

Whenever I’ve been away from Boston for any substantial stretch of time – which for me means a couple of months – I feel inexplicably shy when I return, like some innocent schoolboy who makes in-roads with potential friends by Friday, only to have them forgotten over a weekend. I also feel like I’ve lost track of the city with all the changes – new restaurants opening, old restaurants closing, new shows playing, old stores moving, and the latest alleged racial profiling incident at the Newbury Hotel. It’s a lot to process. 

Somehow, I always feel more innocent in these moments, like I felt when I first moved into the condo way back in 1995 – yes, we are approaching thirty years of Boston life, and still I have moments of feeling like I don’t completely belong. There are benefits to being a novice, a sense of openness lacking from those of us who border on the jaded and wise. To think we already know a place, to think we have mastered anything on this earth, is the surest way to lose sight of seeing, and seeing so much when we think we’ve already seen it all. There is a thrill to taking in a city as if for the very first time. 

There is also a thrill to revisiting places that once held significance and meaning, such as this sepia-shaded corner  of Copley, where I once kissed a man – the man who was the first man I ever kissed – and it feels more like a dream than a memory, but maybe that’s just a protection device, a mind-trick to ease any residual hurt. 

Boston has its memories and mysteries and dreams, all waiting to be discovered, then probed and solved, and sometimes resolved. It just takes a day or two of adjustment, and the discomfort of being an outsider fades away. This trip felt more like a dream anyway, tinged with the romantic notion of finding anniversary places to celebrate – places that appeared only in the night, and only in the spring. Maybe only in my imagination, which lends a danger and a freedom all at once. 

Spring was just beginning, and only these snowdrops and some witch hazel bushes were in bloom. It was enough – hope comes from the tiniest places and spaces, while its existence signals something far more powerful and soon-to-be-pervasive at work. 

When I arrived at the condo, I was greeted with all the Christas decorations still up, and there is something terribly sad about seeing Christmas decorations in spring. My first act, before even unpacking my bags, was to take all of that down. As I did so I cursed myself for putting it all up in the first place. Such a silly thing to do when so many other things after so much more. It’s how I usually feel, and the summer erases the annoyance so that when. late fall comes I’m ready to do it all over again. How foolish we humans can be. 

With the holiday decor put away, and the holiday curtains taken down, the condo opened up, feeling lighter and brighter and ready for spring, along with all the happy things that can happen in the season. My favorite hour was at hand, and sunlight began pouring into the bedroom bay window. Winter already felt far away. 

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25
March
2025
Tags: Music
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David Archuleta’s Creme

Gunning for the sweet aural elixir of Sabrina Carpenter’s ‘Espresso’, this new song by David Archuleta explores a more sensual side of the guy who was named Dazzler of the Day here. It’s called ‘Crème Brûlée’ and the gays should be lining up for a taste. It’s never too soon to crown the next summer smash, even if things move light years faster than they ever did in my top 40 radio youth. This one would have been an ideal sonic addition to last summer’s ‘Coquette’ scene, but better late than pregnant is what I always say. Give it a listen, give it a whirl, give it a kiss and a demure twirl. 

See also:

This is a lovely little tease for our summer theme, one which Emi has once again foretold and crowned as the official theme for next season. It’s nothing like coquette, and I love it for that. 

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20
March
2025
Tags: Music
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Life Could Be A Bunny Dream

Our theme for the season is Spring Dream. It goes perfectly with this dreamy doo-wop bop that sees us into the first evening of spring. Greeting the green season is this fluffy bunny doing double-time and preparing the way to Easter. The world awakens with life and possibility. 

Life could be a dreamLife could be a dreamDo do do do, sh-boom!

Life could be a dream (sh-boom)If I could take you up in Paradise up above (sh-boom)If you would tell me, I’m the only one that you loveLife could be a dream, sweetheartHello, hello again, sh-boom and hopin’ we’ll meet again, boom (ba-boom)
Life could be a dream (sh-boom)If only all my precious plans would come true (sh-boom)If you would let me spend my whole life lovin’ youLife could be a dream, sweetheart (do do do do, sh-boom)
Every time I look at youSomething is on my mindIf you do what I want you toBaby, we’d be so fine
Oh, life could be a dream, sh-boomIf I could take you up in Paradise up above, sh-boomYou’d tell me, darlin’, I’m the only one that you loveLife could be a dream, sweetheartHello, hello again, sh-boom and hopin’ we’ll meet again, boom (ba-boom)

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20
March
2025
Tags: Music
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Dream A Little Spring Dream

Every winter Andy and I wait for the bedroom lamp on his side of the bed to throw its rainbows against the wall, as it signals that spring is almost at hand. We’ve been watching these rainbows grow in strength and saturation the past couple weeks. Soon, the oak leaves will obscure the sun, meaning that summer is almost here, and the rainbows will go away until another winter. 

Stars shining bright above you
Night breezes seem to whisper, I love you
Birds singin’ in the sycamore trees
Dream a little dream of me

Say nighty-night and kiss me
Just hold me tight and tell me you’ll miss me
While I’m alone and blue as can be
Dream a little dream of me

For now, spring has arrived, and the rainbows are here again. A covenant, a promise – just like spring itself. A feeling, a romance, a memory – and all in a song. While Andy eagerly plans the opening of the pool at the first sign of any stretch of warmer weather, I play the music that brings the season of hope to mind. 

Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you
Leave the worries behind you
But in your dreams, whatever may be
You’ve gotta make me a promise, promise to me
You’ll dream, dream a little dream of me

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20
March
2025
Tags: Music
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A Beautiful Spring Dream Begins

The Melachrino Strings ever-so-sweetly start off our spring season – the twenty-second spring we’ve celebrated on this blog – with this mash-up of ‘Beautiful Dreamer‘ and ‘Moon River‘. There’s a freaking harp in this, to give you an idea of the fantastical heights of whimsy we aim to achieve as we head into the loveliest season of them all. My intent to provide enthralling escapism in a world that grows more dangerous and ever-dimmer by the day will continue for as long as I am allowed to do this. (And to wonder whether our freedoms will exist in the near future is no longer such a far-fetched worry.)

This spring, the light and loose theme for the blog will be that of a dream. Especially in the earliest days of the season, there is still a winter haze that hangs over the cold nights and mornings, offset by the thrill of warming days and the bursting of spring bulbs through the wet earth. It is a dreamy sort of crux, where winter and spring do their awkward hand-off – one not quite ready to leave, one not quite ready to arrive. And us, not quite watching somewhere, all averted eyes and downcast gazes. The sheepish, happy conundrum of spring. Welcome…

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19
March
2025
Tags: Music
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A Dream Too Much Alone

One of my favorite date nights with Andy was when we got to see an advance screening of the HBO version of ‘Grey Gardens’ in a Boston movie theater. It was a magical spring evening, and we stopped for a night cap at a Copley bar that would only be around for a season or two. We walked back to the condo on a perfect April night, slower than usual, not wanting the spell to dissipate. 

You cannot guess
What loveliness
Belongs to you
If you would dance
We’d have a chance
To share it too

On this last night of winter, I find solace in the springs we’ve had, and the one about to arrive. In dreamy entrancement, there is a giddy sense of possibility – the greatest gift that spring provides. 
I am not gay enough
To share a waltz
Tonight I boast
One of my most, unhappy thoughts
I dream too much
But if I dream too much
I only dream to touch your heart again

What lovely thoughts as we see winter gently out the door, and what gratitude I feel for a winter that did what winter was supposed to do. She kept her chill, blanketed the gardens with a healthy cover of snowfall for most of the coldest days, and provided us the slumber needed to barrel through the rest of the calendar year. Winter, we bid you farewell, knowing you will come again when it is time. 

We dance and sing
We steal a touch of spring
I dream of everything
We two have known
And yet my dreams have shown
Perhaps I dream too much alone

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16
March
2025
Tags: Divine Diva Tour: A Fairy's Tale, Male Nudity, Music
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When You Shake Your Ass, They Notice Fast

Twenty years ago, the only freedom I knew was the outward kind. Freedom to roam, freedom to dress up or down, freedom to speak and shout and scream. All superficial, all vain, all relatively meaningless. At the time, while I felt the literal freedom, I also felt entirely bound and tied up inside. This is the most insidious sort of imprisonment – the self-lockdown that some of us inflict upon ourselves, and so often not intentional or deliberate or even noticed or acknowledged. I certainly didn’t see it or feel it then – I felt only and ultimately entirely free. How was I to know there were prisons that weren’t made of concrete and steel bars?

Heaven knows I was just a young boyDidn’t know what I wanted to be I was every little hungry schoolgirl’s pride and joy and I guess it was enough for me 
To win the race, a prettier faceBrand new clothes and a big fat place on your rock and roll TVBut today the way I play the game is not the same, no wayThink I’m gonna get me some happy
I think there’s something you should know (I think it’s time I told you so)There’s something deep inside of me (There’s someone else I’ve got to be)Take back your picture in a frame (Take back your singing in the rain)I just hope you understandSometimes the clothes do not make the man

All we have to do nowIs take these lies and make them true somehowAll we have to seeIs that I don’t belong to you and you don’t belong to me, yeah yeah
Freedom (I won’t let you down)Freedom (I will not give you up)Freedom (Gotta have some faith in the sound)You’ve got to give what you take (It’s the one good thing that I’ve got)Freedom (I won’t let you down)Freedom (So please don’t give me up)Freedom (‘Cause I would really)You’ve got to give what you take (really love to stick around)

Even without chains or shackles, even without armor or clothing, it’s possible for one to be weighed down and tied up with the inner constraints of our own minds. You can throw away all the bags and coats, kick off all the shoes and jewelry, and strip out of everything, even the cologne, but the ties of a fettered mind won’t be undone until you’re ready to truly examine yourself and acknowledge who you are. Twenty years ago I wasn’t nearly ready for that, so I hid myself with a naked vanity that proved too good a mask for my own benefit. Not only that, but such vanity would prove a different kind of prison of its own; I was shackling myself with an image I wouldn’t ever be able to entirely shake. 

Well, it looks like the road to heaven but it feels like the road to hellWhen I knew which side my bread was buttered I took the knife as wellPosing for another picture everybody’s got to sellBut when you shake your ass, they notice fastAnd some mistakes were build to last
That’s what you get, I say that’s what you getThat’s what you get for changing your mindThat’s what you get, and after all this timeI just hope you understandSometimes the clothes do not make the man

These days I can look back and wanly smile at the shenanigans of my youth, the things I felt I needed to prove, the stories I needed to write and live out, the mark and legacy I wanted to leave behind. It all feels so foolish and still so precious. And I have much of it documented here – in what I’m posting now, in what I’ve posted before, and in all I have yet to post – ripe for examination, consideration, and exoneration. There is a fatigue to the well-documented life – but it’s the best kind of fatigue. 

~ The Divine Diva Tour: A Fairy’s Tale ~

  1. Pink Frilly Fairy: Part One, Part Two, and Part Three
  2. Homage to Herb: Part One, Part Two and Part Three
  3. A Purple-Hued Interlude
  4. Style & Panache: Part One, Part Two, Part Three and Part Four.
  5. Purple Puff Confection: Part One, Part Two, Part Three and Part Four.
  6. A Blue-Hued Interlude
  7. Fuchsia Fabulousness: Part One. Part Two and Part Three.
  8. Bad Boy Bangs – Part One, Part Two. and Part Three.
  9. Vanity Under Where: Part One and Part Two.

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14
March
2025
Tags: Andy, Music
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Even Good Boys Bleed

My husband, retired police officer and former upholder of rule and law, seems to have had a thing for bad boys, at least judging from his line up of formers and one terror of a hubby. He may have been the one wearing a ‘Get Wicked Tonight‘ t-shirt the first time he met my parents, but I got buzzed on a high ball with his Mom the first time I met his. 

Being that this year marks our 25th anniversary of meeting (and 15th of being married) our early days have been on my mind of late. That kind of nostalgia is warm and sustaining, and sometimes it’s been what’s seen us through the rough days. As Andy once said to me at a difficult moment, “There’s history there.” I don’t think he realized how much I took that to heart, and how much I took him to heart. 

The good girl in your dreams is mad you’re lovin’ me
I know you wish that she was me
How bad, bad do you want me?
You’re not the guy that cheats and you’re afraid that she might leave
‘Cause if I get too close, she might scream, “How bad, bad do you want me?”

‘Cause you like my hair, my ripped-up jeans
You like the bad girl I got in me
She’s on your mind, like, all the time, but I got a tattoo for us last week
Even good boys bleed
How bad, bad do you want me? 
‘Cause you hate the crash, but you love the rush
And I’ll make your heart weak every time
You hear my name, ’cause she’s in your brain and I’m here to kiss you in real life
‘Bout to cause a scene, How bad, bad do you want me?

Before we ever met, Andy had seen me in Oh Bar when Suzie and I were out for a night of fun. I didn’t notice him, but he noticed me (and dismissed me with a ‘Bitchy Queen’ sizing-up assessment of my attitude. He would later tell me that when I walked by him the Jimi Hendrix song ‘Foxy Lady’ came to his mind. 

Back in the beginning of our relationship, for one of our earliest get-togethers, I invited him for a pasta dinner at my parents’ home – they were out for the night. I made what I thought was a funny comment, but it was more cutting than anything else for him, and we had our first fight, which ended with him leaving. It was so early in our dating that I simply stood my ground and refused to yield or admit that I might have been wrong in what I said or how I said it. We didn’t know each other’s histories or trigger points then, and we didn’t quite know how special what we had would turn out to be. 

You panic in your sleep and you feel like such a creep 
‘Cause with your eyes closed, you might peek
So hot, hot that you can’t speak
You’re so fucked up with your crew but when you’re all alone, it’s true 
You know exactly what we’d do – How bad, bad do you want to?

I was a bit of a hellion in those early days – at the young age of 25, I was just beginning to figure out exactly who I was, and it wasn’t easy. I didn’t always make it easy for Andy, or anyone in my life in those days, and if being bad was wrong, I never wanted to be right. There was a razor-sharp edge to how I acted in those days, and while I tried not to cut Andy as soon as I understood his sensitivity, it couldn’t help but happen sometimes. Hurt people hurt people no matter how careful we try to be, and in those days everyone around me ended up getting hurt. Those streets ran both ways though, and it’s not entirely accurate to paint me as the villain in every scenario. Not that I’d have been averse to such a characterization, and something told me Andy secretly thrilled at some of my more diabolical machinations. As I said, he didn’t mind a bad boy. 

Which brings me to this latest Lady Gaga song, ‘How Bad Do U Want Me?’ I’m completely obsessed with it and all of its layered meanings. There’s the literal reading of its title, which seems to be a simple question of how badly you want or desire someone. A slightly deeper digs brings out the more resonant idea of someone questioning how bad they want their paramour to actually be, and how bad the object of one’s affection may actually want to be. It also posits the question of what exactly is bad? 

‘Cause you like my hair, my ripped-up jeans
You like the bad girl I got in me
She’s on your mind, like, all the time, But I got a tattoo for us last week
Even good boys bleed
How bad, bad do you want me? 
‘Cause you hate the crash, but you love the rush
And I’ll make your heart weak every time
You hear my name, ’cause she’s in your brain and I’m here to kiss you in real life
‘Bout to cause a scene – How bad, bad do you want me?

Over twenty five years, I slowly, and mostly, grew out of my bad boy eras, and at times Andy had his own bad boy moments, flip-flopping our roles and jolting us into an awareness of how precious and precarious love could be. I also grew to realize, with friends who stuck with me for decades, that I couldn’t be entirely bad all the time; the truly bad and the awful among us simply do not maintain friendships for that long. Sometimes we mistake being young for being bad. 

And sometimes being bad is the best thing you can be. 

Uh-oh, oh, you love a good girl
Uh-oh, oh, you love a good girl bad
Uh-oh, oh, you make a bad girl
Uh-oh, oh, you make a bad girl mad
A psychotic love theme
How bad do you want me?

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