The spring of 1995 was a tumultuous time in my life.
There had been suicide attempts, reckonings with self-destruction, and the typical growing pains of a young gay man coming of age in the 90’s. Remember, it was a very different world before the internet could act as a salve for solitude, or bring together those who felt different or strange. While I never much minded being alone – and actually preferred it most of the time – the universe was nudging me toward the people who would become my tribe.
Fittingly, it was my very best friend/sister-figure Suzie, the person I felt safest and most comfortable around, who would introduce me to the happy circle of people I would soon count as friends. I couldn’t foresee how lucky those introductions would be, or that we were setting up something that would last a lifetime; I didn’t even realize how badly I needed a few friends at that moment. All I knew was that I was visiting Suzie as part of my Friendship Tour: Chameleon in Motion and she had roommates.
The steep incline of College Avenue in Ithaca, NY afforded a few parking spaces near their rented house, and in the last days of that winter of 1995 the weather had decided to be relatively kind. As I pulled out a bunch of glittering clothing from the hanging rack in the back of my parents’ Blazer, I eyed the address and wondered what would greet me on the other side of the door. (Some people rode with skis or bikes on their vehicle – I rode with a removable clothing rack.)
Suzie brought me into the fold of roommates, most of whom were busy going about their college lives – studying, working, and doing what college kids do late into the night. They welcomed me without hesitation or condition, and the nonchalance of acceptance, and the happy realization that this is the way life could be, and maybe should be, instantly melted my heart and set me at ease. They each had a striking and powerful personality, and getting to see them at home and behind closed doors gave me a glimpse into their complexities as well. None of us was perfect in every way, or any way if we’re being brutally honest, but we were entirely perfect for each other.
So much of determining who gets dropped into our lives to stick depends on who the universe was pushing into our path at the times we were open to it. For most of us, that’s during our college years, as we cross into our twenties and really enter into adulthood. Those are the friends who see us through that final stretch of childhood, as we shake the last vestiges of innocence and ignorance off and move into the people we will soon become.
That it is largely dependent on school and work locations – a mere combination of logistics – seems to remove a bit of destiny and kismet from the equation – and with age comes the somewhat sad realization that perhaps anyone who happened into our circle at such a time might have fulfilled the same need.
The romantic side of me, however, isn’t quite ready to give up the sense of charm, or the spark, that comes when two compatible people enter each others’ orbits. There was something more than circumstance at work – and that’s the magic of friendship, of love.
Whatever the case, and however the magic and science might marry, I was damn lucky to find all of you at a time in life when I so badly needed to find you. And it couldn’t have just been anyone. It had to be you. Each one of you. I think we were all lucky that way, perhaps me most of all, and no matter what happens, no matter how far apart we live, or how much time passes between visits, you will always be the people in my life who enter my heart when the world turns cold, when loss and grief come, whenever I need a happy thought of someone I love.
(This may very well my favorite photo of my friends. I took it just before we were all set to see ‘Evita’, at my insistence. They were as excited as they appear to be, but they never questioned going; they knew what it meant to me, they sat through the whole thing, and since that moment they’ve been my tribe. This summer we are scheduled to come together again, in honor of us reaching the age of fifty, and thirty years of friendship… and fun.)
