The Bare-assed Contessa


Here’s a fun little thing I did on a recent day off from work, while stricken with that nasty stomach flu and on a strict BRAT diet of bananas, rice, applesauce and toast: I watched the Food Network. My favorite was the ‘Barefoot Contessa.’ Watching Ina Garten and her husband Jeffrey share a picnic of California BLTs (with avocado, thank you) on the docks of Montauk while waiting for Andy to get back with Gatorade from the local Price Chopper was my number one highlight. Seeing her tell Jeffrey that she was “ready to rock and roll,” and then calling him “babe” was a close second. They were laughing at me, I know it.

After the Contessa, that buffoon Paula Deen had a kid from the Disney channel on (Kenton Duty). Could the nightmare get any worse? Yes, because the precocious fuck soon began singing a song he wrote for her. Accompanied by himself on the guitar.

[Sigh] – I’m going back to my banana.

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