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Author Archives: Alan Ilagan

A Lunch Walk Beside A Magnolia

The past few weeks haven’t been conducive to taking my usual lunch-time stroll through Downtown Albany on my days at the office, but last Tuesday I returned to the practice – a reminder of how important it is to break up the work day with a proper mental reprieve. In this case, a walk on a lovely spring day when all the trees were fresh of growth, and a magnolia was just finishing up its early magnificence. 

The benches were blessedly empty. Even after a year of quietude and non-crowds, I still embrace this solitude. Beauty can be enjoyed on your own, something I fought against for so long I almost started to forget. A squirrel was my only companion on this walk, and he or she didn’t seem keen on striking up a conversation. 

Beneath a magnolia, I paused and did my best to inhabit the moment, to be present, to feel every pulsation the day was eliciting. Such presence is the goal of any good day. I will do better to remember that. 

Magnolias are a breed of tree that I’ve always admired from a distance, and in someone else’s yard, where they can deal with the messy aftermath of these glorious blooms. Such thick petals don’t scatter lightly on the wind – they tend to fall straight down, littering the lawn and making a muck of things when spring rains wait only to rot the fallen. But on days like this, when their blossoms are still carried high, brilliant against a blue sky, I entertain fantasies of planting one of these somewhere on our tiny lot. 

I’ll try to return to this space in a week to remind myself of why that’s a dirty idea. 

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A Recap Capped with a Hug

It’s been over a year since I last hugged my parents. I remember the first visit with Mom last March, when it all began. Neither of us knew how long it would be, though I’m almost certain we didn’t think it would be for over a year. I stood in their driveway on a cold March day, picking up a package of toilet paper she had managed to procure when the rest of Albany had been depleted. It was strange to keep a six foot distance then, but I did it for her safety on that day, and every day since. When the two-week post-second-vaccine period had passed, I stopped by for a Sunday visit and hugged both her and Dad. It was a very fine moment. 

Without masks and distance, it’s easier for Dad to understand and engage. I think the past year has been the hardest on him for that reason. At 90 years old, the best defense is engagement and activity – COVID almost took that away from us, but we worked around it, and in some ways I was able to be more present with the circumstances. 

It was a week of returning to some form of normal on other fronts as well – a welcome return – and I embrace it hesitantly, hopefully… 

New friends silver, old friends gold.

Upside down you turn me.

Try a little tenderness.

Globules of grape.

A pesky Pink Moon.

Vaccination celebration.

The return of the Queen.

Happy hibiscus

My Filipino heritage – in honor of Asian American – Pacific Islander Heritage Month. 

The season of Gatsby.

Dazzlers of the Day included Regina King, Chloé Zhao, Kyle Griffin, Jen Psaki, Colman Domingo, and Annie Lennox.

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Dazzler of the Day: Annie Lennox

Elegance, humility and grace don’t often find themselves as descriptors in the career of any pop superstar, but Annie Lennox has embodied those traits, and so many more wonderful aspects. in her storied journey. An icon since the 80’s, when she burst onto the scene in the Euythmics, she eventually came into her own with color albums like ‘Medusa’, ‘Bare’, ‘Nostalgia’ and my personal favorite ‘Diva’ – the latter of which absolutely illuminated and guided me through the formative years of my life. To this day her voice remains a sterling treasure, but it’s her attitude and advocacy for all those in need of help or support that have kept her legacy so impressively untarnished. She earns this Dazzler of the Day because of those efforts, and because she’s just so fucking cool.

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The Season of Gatsby

“If that was true he must have felt that he had lost the old warm world, paid a high price for living too long with a single dream. He must have looked up at an unfamiliar sky through frightening leaves and shivered as he found what a grotesque thing a rose is and how raw the sunlight was upon the scarcely created grass. A new world, material without being real, where poor ghosts, breathing dreams like air, drifted fortuitously about…” ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald

Every year at around this time the spirit of Gatsby calls to me

Maybe it’s the spring air, tilting between the wilderness of winter and the first whispers of summer. 

Maybe it’s the perfume of lilacs, lilting on the tricky breeze, and ever-threatening to disappear once that breeze turned into a wind. 

Maybe it’s the elusive tragedy of almost getting everything you think you want, and almost realizing you may not want it. 

Perhaps that’s why Gatsby has always been a hero to me: he never quite gets what he thinks he wants. There’s a nobility in that – a tragic and sorrowful nobility that transcends the roaring fabulousness of his opulent surroundings, hinting at a scrappy past he wants to remain secret, a hungry emptiness that the self-invented often take to the bank. It’s the wanting that is so moving – the desire that finds no easy satisfaction. Some say that’s the same sadness inherent in the American dream, especially for immigrants, and when the vast majority of us are descended of immigrants it’s a sadness that pervades this great American experiment. When the power of individual achievement is realized, when you create yourself from the ashes of the absence of fuel or family or the simple helping hand of another person, you craft a life of loneliness – a solitude that cannot be broken or unbound by love or marriage or the adoration of the entire world. 

“His dream must have seemed so close that he could hardly fail to grasp it. He did not know that it was already behind him.” ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald

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My Asian American-Pacific Islander Heritage

“Asian Americans inhabit a purgatorial status: neither white enough nor black enough, unmentioned in most conversations about racial identity. In the popular imagination, Asian Americans are all high-achieving professionals. But in reality, this is the most economically divided group in the country, a tenuous alliance of people with roots from South Asia to East Asia to the Pacific Islands, from tech millionaires to service industry laborers. How do we speak honestly about the Asian American condition—if such a thing exists?” – Cathy Park Hong

At a time when acts of anti-Asian racism are having a surge it is more important than ever to be visible and vigilant, and to celebrate Asian American – Pacific Islander (AAPI) Heritage Month. The U.S. Census Bureau defines Asians as those “having origins in any of the original peoples of the Far East, Southeast Asia, or the Indian subcontinent, including (but not limited to) China, Japan, Thailand, Malaysia, Korea, India, Cambodia, Vietnam or the Philippines.” Pacific Islanders are those whose “origins belong to Polynesia, Micronesia, and Melanesia. This classification includes (but is not limited to) Native Hawaiian, Samoan, Tahitian, Guamanian, Fijian and Papua New Guinean people.”

Taken together, these two groups include an extensive list of countries, whose histories and cultures vary magnificently, making any sort of blanket categorization risky at best, and part of the purpose of AAPI Heritage month is in learning these distinctions.

May was chosen as the honorary month based on the reported arrival of the first Japanese immigrants to the United States on May 7, 1843. That month also marked the anniversary of the completion of the transcontinental railroad, and the majority of workers who worked on laying those tracks were Chinese immigrants. Though reports differ slightly, the first documented Asians to actually arrive in the Americas were Filipinos in 1587, who arrived at what would become the California coast.

“Inevitably, though, there will always be a significant part of the past which can neither be burnt nor banished to the soothing limbo of forgetfulness – myself. I was and still am that same ship which carried me to the new shore, the same vessel containing all the memories and dreams of the child in the brick house with the toy tea set. I am the shore I left behind as well as the home I return to every evening. The voyage cannot proceed without me.” – Luisa A. Igloria

My Filipino heritage was neither hyped nor erased when my parents raised us. My Dad, who is from Batangas (located on Luzon, the largest island of the Philippines), largely adopted an American way of life before we were born, so it was my Mom who insisted on making our Filipino heritage a part of our upbringing. They both cooked Filipino dishes, and Dad would regale us with tales of his childhood (mostly as a comparison to how easy we had it in ours). When Dad’s family members would visit we would listen with rapt interest as he slipped into Tagalog, marveling at a side of him we rarely got to glimpse.

As biracial children, my brother and I had our feet firmly planted in American soil, but our roots stretched between the Philippines and Hoosick Falls, NY (where Mom was born). While I don’t recall experiencing many incidents of overtly racist behavior toward us, I sense now that part of that was the financial privilege we enjoyed from Dad’s work as an anesthesiologist and Mom’s work as a nursing professor. The middle-class comfort we enjoyed likely acted as a buffer against more obvious forms of racism. We were exceedingly lucky that way, and so we were largely able to embrace and celebrate our heritage in our dinners of pancit and bowls of asado. Because of that, our Filipino background never seemed to be a source of pride or of shame, and we rather easily assimilated into America, an act which carried its own sense of dissolving and dissolution. Only lately have I begun to see the importance of retaining our stories of origin, and sharing these with others.

When it comes to fanfare and self-celebration, I sort of feel like I get enough of that here on this blog, but perhaps I don’t focus on my ethnic background as much as I should. Part of it may be that I’ve taken the American celebration of the individual to heart. So when the agency at which I work, the Department of Environmental Conservation (DEC), began seeking out employees to be featured for AAPI Heritage Month, I didn’t even think of submitting my name. Instead, I sought out others to celebrate, but it wasn’t easy. My work on diversity and inclusion was challenging and exciting, yet could be frustrating as well. It was new to many of us, and finding our way with sensitivity was proving tough, as much as our little advances were rewarding.

As we were struggling to find willing participants to represent the AAPI employees at DEC, I eventually realized I had to step up for this month and my own Filipino heritage, of which I’ve always been rather quietly proud, following in the example of my own father, and my mother’s insistence on us learning that indelible part of our origin. It also helped illuminate the representation for Southeast Asia, illustrating how AAPI Heritage Month included more than those with origins in China and Japan. (You may visit our agency’s public website and view my brief bio here, as well as read about some of my outstanding AAPI co-workers.)

While such heritage month celebrations usually rely on the lighter aspects of our culture – food and costume and artistic contributions – they resonate in deeper ways today. When the world encroaches with yet another incident of racial hatred, and acts of violence against Asian Americans grow in number and viciousness, I’m reminded that not everyone had the privileges I was and am afforded. I’m also reminded of the perils of racism, whether overt or latent or unintended, and I want us all to do better. To that end we celebrate May as Asian American – Pacific Islander Heritage Month.

“For Filipino Americans, it’s a battle for recognition, for identity in a culture where, for the mainstream, Asians tend to fade into a monochromatic racialized ‘other.'” – Jose Antonio Vargas

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The Happy Hibiscus

Circus peanut orange is a color I don’t particularly seek for my own garden, but every now and then, such as on a rainy, dim day, I love seeing it cheer a gloomy nook of a local greenhouse, as it does on this cheerful hibiscus. A ruby throat is a decadent addition – little slip of fire at the heart of creamsicle sweetness. 

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Dazzler of the Day: Colman Domingo

A man of so many talents and accomplishments seems sorely limited by such an honor as Dazzler of the Day, but it’s all I have to give, and no one embodies that dazzle better right now than Colman Domingo. In all honesty, it’s that ultra-hot-pink outfit he wore to the Academy Awards that cinched this title, but delve deeper into his website and the following bio, which merely hints at his considerable greatness, and you’ll discover all the plentiful brilliance with which he dazzles:

A 2021 Film Independent Spirit, NAACP, SAG and Critics Choice Award nominee for his work in Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom, Colman Domingo is a Tony, Olivier, Drama Desk, and Drama League Award nominated actor, director, writer and producer. Colman has recently received his Honorary Doctorate in Humane Letters from Ursinus College. He is a Juilliard School Creative Associate and on faculty of the Yale School of Drama. He has starred in some of the most profound films in recent years such as Barry Jenkins’ If Beale Street Could Talk, Steven Spielbergs’ Lincoln, Lee Daniel’s The Butler, Ava DuVernay’s Selma and Nate Parker’s Birth of a Nation. He stars in the upcoming films, Jordan Peele’s Candyman and Janicza Bravo’s Zola. He stars on AMC’s Fear the Walking Dead for seven seasons and guest stars on HBO’s Euphoria as Ali. He recurred on Steven Soderbergh’s series The Knick. As a writer, his plays and musicals include Dot (Samuel French), Wild with Happy (Dramatist Play Service) and A Boy and His Soul (Oberon Books), the Tony Award nominated Broadway musical Summer: The Donna Summer Musical and Geffen Playhouse’s groundbreaking musical Light’s Out: Nat King Cole. His plays have been produced by The Public Theater, Vineyard, La Jolla Playhouse, Humana Festival of New American Plays, New York Stage and Film, A.C.T, The Tricycle Theater in London, Brisbane Powerhouse in Australia, among others. He is the recipient of a Lucille Lortel, Obie, Audelco and GLAAD Award for his work. His production company, Edith Productions, has a first look deal with AMC Studios for which he is developing television, film, theater and animation projects. He is currently writing a new musical for The Young Vic in London/ Concord Music and hosting Season 3 of his series, Bottomless Brunch at Colman’s across AMC platforms.

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The Return of the Queen

Skip assembled the rest of the Old-Fashioned that I had begun right before he arrived – the first cocktail made in our home in well over a year. I poured a mocktail spritzer for myself, and we convened on the back patio, a pair of vaccinated bros reunited to plan an upcoming trip to Boston over a game of chess. Our little world resumed as if we’d never left off, all fabulousness and freshness, with a few new twists.

First up was the chess game. I hadn’t played in about three decades, and I’m not sure why I waited so long. It brings back some wonderful memories – my best friend in grade school first taught me how to play the game. Billy was the smartest kid in the class, and the best one to teach me the game. I picked it up quickly and soon we were trading off wins and losses at a pretty even keel. When my Uncle Roberto came to visit a few months later, he asked if I wanted to play chess, and that’s when the real lessons began.

Pleasantly surprised at my Uncle’s prowess with the game, I was immediately beaten time after time after time, but I was learning and watching and formulating a shift in strategy. He led with his Queen. I played with my silly pawns and rooks, cowering in defensive mode while my Uncle ruthlessly ransacked the game. It was a lesson in chess, and a lesson in life. Soon, I evolved my game. The Queen would lead my board from that moment forward – and eventually that board would lead my life. Better to be bold and storm your lot in life than sit timidly back, hiding behind a row of petty pawns and the limited diagonal power of the bishops.

It all came flooding back as Skip made the first move and we began plotting out a trip to Boston, which we were both eagerly anticipating. Unleashing my Queen upon his formidable fortress, I won the first game, and then the second. It was the first time I beat Skip at anything since possibly ever. He has busted my ass at Connect Four, trivia, cards, more trivia, Rubik’s cubes, and just about any and every other game ever made. With such a history between us, I figured he would whip me at chess too, since he’s always been a thinker and puzzler, but perhaps chess is the one thing I can win. We’ll pick it up again in Boston to see if these wins were just flukes.  

Maybe it was the game, maybe it was being back with an old friend, and maybe it was the power of the Queen returning, but I felt happily emboldened by the end of the evening. It had passed quickly – too quickly – and catching up in person on what we missed over the last year will take some time. As spring unfurls, and we move from April into May, time feels like it’s back on our side. A momentary reprieve, and a rather happy one that I’m tentatively embracing. Hope has been missing for too long.  

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Vaccination Celebration

This afternoon marked two weeks since my second Pfizer COVID vaccine, and the veil of worry and stress and doubt that has hovered over all our heads for over a year lifts just slightly. The emotional weight is slower to fall away – I’ve been on guard for too long to let it all down now, and I’m still intending to take precautions and retain a number of healthier habits developed over the past year. Distance from strangers, for example. Regular and thorough hand-washing. And a mask in public is the new accessory that I intend to keep for a bit, especially in the winter months. (This past year marked the first in which I didn’t come down with a flu or terrible cold at some point. That’s no coincidence.)

As for the new sense of freedom that comes with being fully vaccinated, I’m taking my time before going carefree and crazy. Just knowing that I can travel, and hug my parents, and spend weekends in Boston again is enough. I don’t need to indulge in all of it at once. The sense of hope, and possibility, is enough. 

These are new beginnings. 

 

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Dazzler of the Day: Jen Psaki

Bringing truth and integrity back to the White House Press Secretary position (after four years of liars) is no easy feat, but the studied intelligence and straight-forwardness of Jen Psaki is precisely the healing truth bomb/balm that our country so desperately needed. She is a masterful conveyor of information, while handling often-ignorant (and sometimes downright stupid) questions from the press corps with grace and aplomb. She can expertly deliver a zinger of truth in the politest manner while wielding her words with the precision and practice of a master surgeon. For those reasons, Psaki is our Dazzler of the Day.

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Pesky Pink Moon

The Pink Moon – in full, flagrant, fuck-it-all form – wreaked its typical havoc as it rose and fell this week. Sometimes its power and pull can’t be completely understood or divined until after the fact, when hindsight and somber analytical contemplation put things into focus at last. Life is like that – when it feels unbearably confusing, and all you can do is stumble rather confusedly forward, I shall keep going, sure of its eventual revelation, certain that whatever path I’m on will resolve itself into the right one. 

And so I channel and harvest the power of this Pink Moon, its mighty magnificence, its troublesome toil, and I pull that energy into my own journey. We are such different people than we were but one year ago, and in my own case I’m rather proud of where I’ve ended up. Even when the moon momentarily seems to muck things up, I remain unswerved.

Best of all, the moon no longer frightens me. 

I am not afraid. 

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Grape Globules

‘Tis the season of the grape hyacinth, that enchanting spring bulb that bridges the blooms of daffodils and tulips, accompanying both in charming fashion. Its bluish-violet coloration complements the fiery reds and pinks of the tulips as well as it does the yellows and creams of the daffodils. It also works well as a patch of sky at ground level when the real thing refuses to turn blue, lost in a slate of grays and cloudy whites.

These are easy-to-keep bulbs, provided you allow the foliage to die back naturally and nourish the bulb for next year’s flowering show. They will happily multiply and expand their clumps, and they make whimsical little bouquets if you can find a smaller vase to show off their architectural features.

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Dazzler of the Day: Kyle Griffin

Senior Producer of ‘The Last Word with Lawrence O’Donnell’ – the intelligent and erudite follow-up to Rachel Maddow’s brilliance on MSNBC – Kyle Griffin earns his first Dazzler of the Day thanks to his vital Twitter feed and rightful indignation at inequality and hypocrisy. With a keen political eye, and an equally-entertaining Instagram feed, Griffin dazzles behind and in front of the lens.

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No Rest for the Weary

Over the past few weeks I’ve noticed that I’ve been beating myself up a bit for not achieving everything I wanted to achieve – just basic things like cleaning up the attic and the gardens – and for not dealing with other issues in as kind and generous a way as I’d like to have done, and so I’m playing this song as a reminder that we should all take it a little easier on ourselves. We’ve been through a lot this past year, and it’s ok to feel a little worn and weary at this point. 

Now I, I may be, I may be sentimental
But I wanna say that I’ve had my griefs
Oh, and I’ve had my cares
And just a good word soft and gentle
Makes it, makes it easier
Easier to bear
When we are gentler with ourselves, it’s easier to be gentler with others. The world very much much feels like it’s in a fragile state still. Much has happened, and the only way we might get through it is to stay close, to stay kind, to stay vigilant and safe. To take care of ourselves, and to take care of each other. If that means trying a little tenderness instead of something else, I’m willing to switch things up and try such a happy notion. And if I need a little reminder and nudge now and then, kindly send one my way. 
Now, I might forget it
Oh, but don’t let me forget it
Love’s all my whole, whole happiness
And it’s so, so easy
Try a little
Oh, try a little tenderness
Tender, tender, tenderness

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Upside Down You Turn Me

This spring has been a roller-coaster of a weather ride, continuing the utter insanity that we all wanted so badly to leave behind in 2020. The world apparently doesn’t go by our calendar or schedule, as there is still cray-cray everywhere you look. After last year’s pool debacle, I’m not counting on it being open anytime soon – it’s easier to deal with disappointment when plans aren’t made. And so we peer into the reflections afforded by the pool cover’s dark magic, when spring appears in the sky and reflects its muted glory in the dim waters. 

A change in perspective is good for shaking shit up. 

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