Category Archives: General

So what if nobody came? I’ll have all the ice cream and tea,

And I’ll laugh with myself, and I’ll dance with myself,

And I’ll sing, ‘Happy birthday to me!’ – Shel Silverstein

Behind the birthday-suited body in these sepia-shaded photographs from the distant past is the beginning of a Thuja ‘Steeplechase’ hedge which I planted in the early years of our home. Today, that group of shrubs towers above us, providing privacy and protection, and a home for birds. There are a lot of years in those Steeplechases. 

There are also a lot of years in this body, so I’ve been making some efforts to take better care of it, both the interior and the exterior. I’m even getting around to taking care of the ultra-interior. I’m not talking colonoscopy yet, but rather the inner-workings of the mind. Culling from the past – a past that finds its way to the surface on this day of all days – and the delicate observations that result, brings a certain peace after a certain tumult. It’s a similar feeling of relief and release that comes after a hard cry or tough argument. Maybe it’s the same sort of unburdening that comes after an entire year of living through one more spin around the sun. 

I’m expecting this 2020 birthday to be slightly shaded with melancholy. How could it not be given all that’s been happening in the world? To be honest, at some point in every birthday there is usually a moment tinged with contemplative somberness, a point at which I pause in mournful reverence. Birthdays have always been a strange combination of celebration and ending. Coinciding with the almost-end of summer, the end of summer vacation, and the end of another year on earth, they were a time of reflection, and because I was never one to enjoy big birthday parties and crowded birthday get-togethers, I often felt intentionally alone and quiet on this day. 

At 45 years of age, I am finally embracing that as my baseline and preference. It took all that time to be fully comfortable in my skin, to be ok with being quiet and reserved, to not being the star attraction or mirrorball around which the party revolves. That realization is a birthday gift of its own. 

It takes a long time to grow young. ~Pablo Picasso

Let’s not talk about birthdays in a time of a worldwide pandemic.

Let’s not talk about birthdays in the crazy-ass year of our Lord 2020.

Let’s not talk about birthdays in the way they suppress and bind us to a social-construct of age in carefully measured hours and days without care or concern for any measure of wisdom or grace or humility.

Instead, let’s talk about a birthday that arrives like the top of a mountain after a long journey. I thought I’d look around and be able to see the whole world from here, when in fact there’s so much fog I can barely see through to yesterday. More surprising is that above the fog line is not a clear vista, only more mountaintops, some even higher than the one I’ve spent months climbing. I can choose to do this all over again, to climb to higher points, or simply different points. I can also shatter the traditional paths and hop right onto a staircase of clouds, bouncing from bank to bank, only to find what looked so soft and solid and sure dissipate the closer I got to it.

Maybe I would step onto a gale and let it fling me into a cold rain.

Maybe I would grab a strike of lightning and all its jagged, angular energy.

Maybe I would hitch a ride on the rising sun, or latch onto the falling moon, or swing a lasso of stars to capture passage to another galaxy.

Or maybe I’ll simply stay where I am, at the end of a year’s journey around the sun, and the dawn of another trip around its orbit. It feels like I am standing in a very different place. A frightening place. An exhilarating place. A promising place. And a better place.

A place where I’m a little more sure of myself, and in ways that are genuinely healthier and more enjoyable than poses of the past. A place where I can admit the many ways I’ve been wrong, the ways I’ve been mistaken, the ways I’ve failed and faltered. A place where if I may not be able to fully embrace the imperfect, I can at least acknowledge and make motions to move toward embracing it. A place where I can work on forgiveness, and work on saying when I’m sorry.

This isn’t a place that’s fixed in any singular location or time, it occupies neither space nor history, and maybe that’s why I never got a glimpse of it until recently ~ and I’ve only had the briefest of glimpses. To be fair, I’m not even entirely sure of what exactly I’ve seen, but there is wisdom in that; knowledge of what you lack is always more important than knowledge of what you think you already have. 

In these last few months, when I’ve been more alone than ever ~ as we have all been ~ I realized the scary and liberating sense that we may have to be on our own, that being alone and finding solace in solitude is not only about survival, it’s about growth, about becoming something better, finding purpose, and finding meaning. Not everyone is going to understand or want to be a part of it. That’s ok. Love is sometimes about letting go, even of the people you thought would be with you for life. Because they will be ~ at least, they can be, if you allow it, if you learn how to hold them in your heart. If that means letting some of them go, that’s not necessarily an ending. And when you understand that, it’s less sad and sorrowful, and more of a reason to find the joy that remains. In some circumstances, a greater love will reveal itself, as the closer we get to truth and freedom, the closer we get to love.

Everybody wants a happy ending ~ and we seem to believe it’s the ending part that is most important. We seek out some sort of definitive resolution, some finale that ties up all the loose ends and wraps everything up in a pretty bow. I think we have it backward ~ it’s the happy that should matter most, not the ending. At the ripe age of 45, I’m only beginning to find that happiness in those loose ends, in the unresolved tensions of a day, in the messy unfinished chaos that means we have another day to make everything better. It means that we are alive, that we are still here, still making mistakes in the muck. And it is a most beautiful muck…

Count your age by friends, not years. Count your life by smiles, not tears. ~ John Lennon

“My intention has been to write not simply about mythological tricksters, but also about the disruptive imagination and the art it gives us. The term “art” covers a lot of ground; what portion of that ground intersects with what tricksters do?” – Lewis Hyde, ‘Trickster Makes This World’

“From the point of view of his more settled neighbors, his aimlessness makes him an embodiment of uncertainty – no one knows when he’ll show up, or how he’ll break in, or what he’ll do once he has arrived. Not surprisingly, the stories exhibit some tension around this issue, for these more settled neighbors often tire of trickster’s disruptions and set out to bind or suppress him. That turns out not to be so easy, and to have unexpected consequences.” – Lewis Hyde, ‘Trickster Makes This World’

“Along with the revelation of plenitude, then, comes revelation of a complex, joint-working consciousness, one that can always find those corridors of humor, one that will play with any concept, no matter how serious it seems (play with shamanism, with the truth, with the apples of immortality), and one that can create new artifice if need be, that can turn to shaping when it tires of shifting.” – Lewis Hyde, ‘Trickster Makes This World’

“Complexity has been with us since the beginning of time, and a mind as supple as the skin of an octopus arose to work with it. In the last part of his prophecy, trickster reveals himself, for he is that mind. When a human mind recognizes what has been revealed, it is recognizing itself. The hunter finds two things at once when he finally sees the octopus hidden on the rock.” – Lewis Hyde, ‘Trickster Makes This World’ 

Twenty years ago, I was summering in Amsterdam, NY, preparing to return to Boston for the fall, and in the midst of creating ‘A Man of Mode’ – the cover of which is seen here. It’s a harlequin by Pablo Picasso, and it inspired the new project, which largely marked the end of the third-person documentary-like form of most of my projects since 1993. Magnificently sick of myself, I would begin diving into character-driven studies, where I could inhabit the soul and posture of other mostly-made-up people, trying on various guises, a man of shifting modes and endless masquerades. 

An artistic and creative outlet, my projects had always provided a means of analysis and self-introspection, but by 2000 I was looking for something more. I had just met Andy, and I could feel the realignment of priorities, the way love makes the world open up, lending a new kindness as well as a new danger. Turning 25, and having experienced a full quarter century of life, thinking I knew mostly everything, or at least more than most, I also had a deep understanding of the limits of my knowledge. Whenever I met someone slightly, or abundantly, older than me, I would invariably ask them the same thing: what do you know now that you wish you knew in your early twenties?

On the eve of turning 45, I think back to that almost-precocious query. How foolish I was to attribute wisdom to age, yet how rare for someone so young to seek out knowledge from the elders. The older I get the less I feel I know, and the more sure of that I get, the closer to wisdom I get as well. It’s one of the few tricks of the universe that is as pleasurable to discover as it is to practice, and the more you practice it, the more enjoyable life becomes. 

In the year 2000, when this photo was taken, I wasn’t ready for the lesson, even if someone I had asked explained it as plainly as possible. I’m afraid I’m not even explaining it well, and that too leads into something greater. For so many years I would invest such import and drama into being right, and knowing everything, that I’d almost miss the jewels of life that were hidden right in front of me. Luckily, enough of them forced themselves into my bumbling way that it was somewhat clear which way to head. That path was the goal, and despite whatever else I didn’t know, from the time of my childhood I understood that simple, if cliched, adage. 

These summer days of August, when the earth’s spot in its rotation around the sun enters the place where it was around my birth, I spin into a more contemplative space, this year perhaps a bit more-so than others, when we’ve all had a chance to be a little more quiet. 

From the fiery mouths of dragons… 

The summer of 2020 already feels like a ghost. 

Hollow, ephemeral, transparent – like the strange way airs seems to bend above hot asphalt. 

Is it all really happening like this? I find myself wondering… is it all really unfolding this way?

And then I feel the sting of a mosquito or the slice of razor grass and those little pains indicate that yes, I’m still alive, yes, we are still living, yes, life is still happening with all its minor annoyances and hurts. 

Without a summer party theme, we traverse a season rudderless, floating adrift without the guidance of a get-together, and maybe that’s why everything feels a little lost. 

And so, let us play some music. To make a memory, to make the moment matter, to demarcate this time in a happier way than news reports or school worries or office video conferences. This is Oscar Patterson and his ‘Backyard Blues’ from ‘A Summer in Munich.’

It joins our other summer songs from 2020 such as ‘Starry, Starry Night‘ which kicked the season off to an uncertain and somber start, as well as ‘Second Night of Summer‘ which pretty much explains itself. Summer makes music sound better somehow; I can’t explain it any other way. This year, songs take on a different gleam, shimmering in moments mostly of solitude, and in all honesty, there is more silence that informs this particular season than music. There is something telling in that. Telling, and peaceful, and welcome. We needed the break. The world needed it. To get better.

We are not there yet. And so, let us fill this summer day with more music. 

Bobby Hutchinson and ‘Recorda Me’ give us some summer soundtrack solace, for when the summer nights wrap their warm winds around the shoulders, leaving sweet invisible kisses and whispers of sweeter days. 

This is music as perfect for a sunny day by the pool as for a cool and rainy night hinting at the fall to come. It works both ways, touching on all emotional extremes, allowing for myriad interpretations and moods. And what is summer but one grandly elaborate mood? In this year, perhaps more than any other, the moods are variable and wild, swinging and shifting, tempered by the sun or trampled by the rain. 

Sunlight, water, and wind play in the pools of a backyard summer, wishing their way around the world in a single day. 

This swallowtail butterfly has been doting on our two enormous clumps of cup plants, a reward on a par with the hummingbirds and finches that have been visiting as well. A sight for satiated summer eyes, it’s always worth a quick run outside to see this gorgeous creature fluttering about and flitting from bloom to bloom. 

Is there something more beautiful about something that is so fleeting?

In fact, I would argue I had absolutely nothing to do with the unfortunate closing of Albany’s Pier 1 Imports, because a single pillow incident like this simply does not have the power to take down an entire store. Still, there is something vaguely karmic about this whole sad situation, because I believe a store’s management takes its lessons from the very top, and this sort of poor customer service surely accounts for something.

Anyway, maybe if they’d sold me the pillow I wanted things would be different. In all likelihood, they wouldn’t, but I’d like to believe that karma still works some wonders in the world. As for the longstanding Pier 1 Imports on Wolf Road, it’s a bittersweet goodbye. You’ll have to find your wicker papasan elsewhere. 

This may very well be the most riveting and inspiring speech I have ever seen in my lifetime. Fittingly, the only other speech that I recall (because I honestly am not usually moved by political speeches) was also given by Michelle Obama at the DNC Convention when her husband Barack was running for re-election. She was electrifying that night. But it was nothing compared to this speech, at this immense moment in history, when the world balances precariously on the razor-thin line between good and evil. Ms. Obama rose to that occasion in stunning, breathtaking fashion, and her words should be heard and read in the history of our country. Take the time to watch it – it’s that good. It’s that necessary. It’s that important.

“Donald Trump is the wrong president for our country. He has had more than enough time to prove that he can do the job, but he is clearly in over his head. He cannot meet this moment. He simply cannot be who we need him to be for us.” – Michelle Obama

I haven’t intentionally planted any cleome for the past few years, yet our front yard has always had a few self-seeders that have come up faithfully. Actually, the past two years I’ve spent pulling out more than I’ve let remain, so this season, along with the late start and then sudden onslaught of summer, we’ve only had a few make it through the mulch. I’m glad they did, as they are providing some new florals for the second half of summer. On with the weekly recap…

The essence of gorgeous.

Fire in summer.

Summer means watermelon. 

I love Kamala Harris. 

Summer hair, don’t care!

No company, only comfort food. 

Summer lounging.

Summer nostalgia.

Mr. Sassy was born this month.

Summer Speedo experimentation. 

Savoring Saturday.

Tomato fail, typical of 2020.

A Sunday setback that wasn’t.

Hunks of the Day included Tom Ellis, Sean Basil McGiver, Chasten Buttigieg, Craig Conover, and Michael Strahan.

They had such great promise. They started out so well. And they, like most things in 2020, ended up being a big-ass failure thus far. These photographs of our tomato plants hide the sad fact that before any of the ‘Early Girl’ or ‘Giant Beefsteak’ varieties have reached ripening stage, their lower portions rot out – just the bottoms, and in every single fruit that gets red. After researching it online, it seems that this is blossom end rot, which is not a fungus but a physiological disorder based on a calcium imbalance. 

A physiological disorder based on a calcium imbalance? Are you fucking kidding me? Growing tomatoes shouldn’t have to be this complicated. That’s part of the reason why I’ve taken it all in stride, like other incidents from this disappointing year, chalking up the failure to the general suckiness of 2020. Blossom end rot is not the end of the world. The end of the world will be the end of the world, and we may very well be there. So I shall focus on the cherry tomatoes.

Our cherry tomato plant is doing quite well, producing red fruit, and an abundance of it. Andy consistently did well with cherry tomatoes, both here and at his first house. Next year, I will work only with the cherries. Their foliage remains handsome, while the bigger varieties have started getting spindly and raggedy. Gardening leaves us with such lessons. Failures and successes and all that comes in-between. 

How frail the human heart must be – a mirrored pool of thought. ~ Sylvia Plath

Summer turns to high, and in the midst of a pandemic the creative juices have begun flowing. My last project was a rare summer one – I tend to favor spring or fall for project releases, but it’s good to change things up. Whispers of something new have been haunting my nights and the elusive spells of silence during the day. I always heed those hints, allowing the universe to gently nudge or lead me in the right direction. 

I don’t anticipate anything coming to full fruition in 2020 – like much of the sensible world, I’ve written off the rest of this year. If anything good or wonderful happens, I’ll consider it a pleasant surprise. A new project wouldn’t see the light of day until 2021, but it’s time to look ahead. To that end, a small hint at the road on which I may soon be traveling. Something temporal, something fleeting, something ephemeral… something not unlike summer, shaded with a little melancholy, mirroring movement of the body, mirroring movement of the mind. 

If it sounds a bit vague and abstract, that’s the way it always is at this early stage of development. It’s also probably my favorite part of a project. A quieting of the mind to heed the little whispers of the universe goes along with the sense of peace I’ve been courting for the past few months. To capture the synergy of those lessons with the fulfillment of the creative process may be a daunting challenge, and it just so happens that I find indulgence in a challenge. 

T-minus ten days and counting until my birthday!

This is not a year for traditional social gatherings, which has made birthday celebrations, and all celebrations (such as ten-year anniversaries and twenty-year anniversaries) a different sort of animal, and I’m not completely upset by it. With our own private pied-à-terre in Boston, we are planning another quiet birthday there, social distancing and safety as intact as possible. (And quite frankly the folks in Boston wear masks and ensure on safe practices far more insistently than people in Albany – that post may come in the near future based on a recent day trip I made.)  

As for my birthday wish list, it’s more of the usual, and I’d like to add Tom Ford’s ‘Tobacco Oud‘ and/or ‘Tobacco Vanille‘ Private Blend to the mix, because as a coolness seeps into the late summer nights, I feel the pull of tobacco. (His upcoming ‘Bitter Peach’ won’t be available until October, so put that on the Christmas Wish List.)