FaceBook Circa The 1990’s

What if FaceBook had been around in my pre-Andy dating years? The early 20’s of my life, in the late 90’s of the calendar, were embarrassing on a number of fronts, and I would have used far more exclamation points than merited. Some people (including myself) over-share regularly on FB, but I like to think I navigate those treacherous waters farely well. Back then though, I honestly can’t imagine how much trouble would have ensued. If I did, it might go something like this:

September 1994Kissed a man for the first time in my life. What was I thinking?! And wow, stubble is freaking sharp. Like, razor sharp. Like, it BURNS!

November 1994 – I think I just got dumped. And I didn’t even know we were going out.

April 1995 – Yes! This silver lame pantsuit goes perfectly with my silver sequin jacket! But I still need bells for my belt…

May 1995 – Met a man on the train. We exchanged numbers and he called me! He wasn’t wearing underwear either! I don’t know if I like him though.

September 1995 – I am going to have my real estate agent’s babies – I know it! Stalking session tonight. Wish me luck!!

October 1996 – The cute kid in my literature class knows my name! He handed me my paper at the end of class. I love him already!

November 1996 – I probably shouldn’t have made that mix tape and written that love letter and called him ten times in a night. But isn’t that just being honest about my feelings?

February 1997 – I can’t tell if the waiter is in love with me or my sequined vest. Romance is so hard!

February 1998 – He wiped the snow off my car. This is more than a one-night-stand.

March 1998 – Why doesn’t he love me?!?!?

June 1998 – Drinking from a garden hose at 6 in the morning because some guy made me sleep in my car instead of inviting me in. Turns out I punched him.

September 1998 – Since when is drunkenly groping a guy on the couch an hour after we met unattractive? Are we now Victorian?!

May 2000 – In my defense, had I not had that screwdriver in the morning, I would never have had sex with three guys in one day. I just happened to start early.

June 2000 – I think I’m over my slutty phase. No one needs to see their phone number in a bathroom stall.

July 2000 – A summertime P-town fling is just what the doctor ordered! Yay me! And what’s-his-name! I wonder why he hasn’t called…

[I won’t even get into what nonsense I may have Tweeted back then…]

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