The Divine Diva Tour: A Fairy’s Tale comes to its inevitable close here, with the full repository of entries that comprise this project from 2005. Two decades is a very long time to stay silent and unseen, and releasing this diva back into the world after her time in the bottle is the sort of dream, and nightmare, known only to genies.
Closing out its online premiere at the very end of this summer of 2025 feels fitting, as themes of fantasy and escapism are vital at this dim moment in history. Looking back is also sometimes a comfort; you already know you’ve gotten through it, so the seeds of any real danger never germinated – and if they did, you handled them.
For now, this time-capsule of divinity frozen is our modern-day archive of 2005. How strange and awful and wonderful that not all that much has changed.
“It isn’t possible to kill part of your “self” unless you kill yourself first. If you ruin your conscious personality, the so-called ego-personality, you deprive the self of its real goal, namely to become real itself. The goal of life is the realization of the self. If you kill yourself you abolish that will of the self to become real, but it may arrest your personal development inasmuch it is not explained. You ought to realise that suicide is murder, since after suicide there remains a corpse exactly as with any ordinary murder. Only it is yourself that has been killed.” ~ Carl Jung
The last page of The Divine Diva Tour Book is a jumble of words and statements that I no longer recognize, that no longer hold much meaning, and that no longer resonate in any way with me. They are the words of a petulant, spoiled twenty-something who didn’t quite feel his place in the world properly. They do not ring true to who I am or where I am today, and for that reason I wasn’t going to include them here. As much as this is a historical look back at a place twenty years ago, much of it remains relevant today – except that last page. But if I’m going to be honest and authentic, if I’m going to acknowledge my foibles and failings, it’s important to put it out there, as it was, without editing or amendment. Clearly I had some issues, and at a time when I didn’t have, or want to access, the necessary tools for dealing with them, it came out in this messy format. A diva is messy – sometimes we are the messiest creatures of them all – and this is part of that ride.
Looking at it now, the passage reeks of insolent, charmless self-pity, laced with narcissism and hypocritical vanity. In many respects, these are very tenets of what makes a proper diva. While the tone was intended to be despondent and unforgiving, today it verges on the hilarious, and reminds me of one of those stand-up sessions where people read earnest quotes from their childhood diaries and the dramatics turn comically ridiculous. I don’t think I intended for this to be quite so funny, but it really is, so I hope you read it with the over-the-top earnestness with which it was written – and crack up at how foolish it is. I wasn’t ready to laugh so heartily at myself back then – today I am, because the truth is I’m closer to court jester and fool than I will ever be to any diva. There’s a little more happiness to being in that space – but just a little.
And so I give you the final act of the Divine Diva – it’s messy and mortifying and more than a little mad, which is sort of the soul of this project. It was also twenty years ago, and I forgive myself for how bad it was. I hope you’ll forgive me too – we all have past transgressions we’d like to remain buried. Exhuming something like this is an act of bravery and stupidity. See for yourself…
The Final Page of The Divine Diva Tour Book: A Fairy’s Tale ~ from July 2005:
I have offered myself as sacrifice. I have subjugated my life for your viewing pleasure. I have lived to entertain you – all of you – and at such a terrible cost. What price have I paid? What toll has it taken? The world will never know. But this was a peek into the glamorous existence of a Diva – perhaps the Greatest Diva of Them All – and a little secret I’d like to share now that we’re almost done. This hasn’t been done solely for you. Ahh, no, my friends. For try as you might to make it about you, it’s always been about me. I can’t help it – it’s the way the world happens to be. I will not apologize if my star shines brighter than yours, or if I’ve been more fortunate than you, or if you don’t think I work as hard as you do. How do you know? How do you fucking know – what I’ve been through, what I’ve done, what I’ve seen, how I’ve lived?
And yet I’ve shown you much, allowed you to live vicariously through these odd scenarios I’ve concocted, these strange flights of delusional grandeur. Give the entertainment its proper due. Applause here as I bow down, Mister. You have me to thank for passing your hours with such charm and wit and humor – I ask for nothing else. It was done for the thrill of it all. For the vanity. For the escape. For the Diva that I am and I’ll be always. And for you – all you wonderful people out there… in the dark… I have done al of this thinking it’s what you wanted from me, what you expected, what you anticipated and desired – and you couldn’t even care less. You say you love me, you tell me I’m handsome, talented, beautiful and lucky – and still you couldn’t care. Now here I am – left alone, left to be looked at – a pool of tears, a messy ruin, a genius in the throes of self-destructive abandon – and you just cannot care. So fuck you, fuck all of you, and fuck me too. Fuck me for caring so Goddamn much, fuck me for trying to be Someone, and fuck me for half-succeeding. You can’t forgive such foolishness, and neither can I. We are too selfish to enjoy someone’s else’s happiness for long. Let this misery be my gift to you. Farewell wicked world.
Back to the present day 2025 moment at hand… That was a lot – and a little extra on top of it. It’s ok to laugh at it. Or roll your eyes. Or turn away in disgust. I think I did all three while re-reading it. It was also a singular moment of metaphorical self-destruction, a suicidal gesture to dramatically illustrate the ways we do, at certain points, have to destroy those parts of us that are problematic, both in an intrinsically personal way, as well as on a universal level. No one exists entirely in a bubble, as much as we may sometimes wish we did. It was an end and an exorcism – for all that narcissism, all that vanity, all those false constructs that held me up when I didn’t really have a genuine belief in myself. It was helpful to me then, it got me through the darkest days, and for that I do not apologize or feel shame. We do what we have to do to survive.
Arriving at this place and space, twenty years later, is a relief and a wonder. Looking back, I can smile and laugh and shake my head at some of the images and antics. I can acknowledge and appreciate some of the nonsense and foolishness. I can also take certain elements of truth and beauty, celebrate them for what they were, and let them go.
“Man is bound to follow the exploits of his scientific and inventive mind and to admire himself for his splendid achievements. At the same time, he cannot help admitting that his genius shows an uncanny tendency to invent things that become more and more dangerous, because they represent better and better means for wholesale suicide. In view of the rapidly increasing avalanche of world population, we have already begun to seek ways and means of keeping the rising flood at bay. But nature may anticipate all our attempts by turning against man his own creative mind, and, by releasing the H-bomb or some equally catastrophic device, put an effective stop to overpopulation. In spite of our proud domination of nature we are still her victims as much as ever and have not even learnt to control our own nature, which slowly and inevitably courts disaster.” ~ Carl Jung
Today marks the final installments of The Divine Diva Tour: A Fairy’s Tale, my 2005 project that is finally getting its online publication premiere two decades after I first took it around the country. A lot has changed since that time (hello gray hair of the silver fox era) but so many of the themes and ideas explored remain as relevant and resonant today as they did back then. In the end, this fairy’s tale is a cautionary one, cloaked in sparkle, pissed on by pizzazz, and shrouded in the sequin-splintering dazzle of this multi-trick pony.
In the end – in our ending – it is, it will be, it was – the way before, the way after – a seed of a beginning.
This is the way you left me, I’m not pretending No hope, no love, no glory, no happy ending This is the way that we love, like it’s forever Then live the rest of our life, but not together
Wake up in the mornin’, stumble on my life Can’t get no love without sacrifice If anything should happen, I’d guess I wish you well Mmh, a little bit of Heaven, but a little bit of Hell
This is the hardest story that I’ve ever told No hope, or love, or glory, happy ending’s gone forevermore
There’s a party going on in here It’s been happenin’ for many years You weren’t invited and don’t want to stay But keep partying anyway DJ’s playin’ my familiar tune Got them dancin’, shakin’ up the room They hear the beat, but they don’t know the words This is the saddest song I’ve ever heard
If you could look into the future, would ya? If you could see it, would you even want to? I’ve got a feeling that there’s bad news coming But I don’t want to find it out
If it’s the end of the world, let’s party Like it’s the end of the world, let’s party Wrap your arms around, everybody If we’re all gonna die, let’s party Let’s party, let’s party
Who can I blame with everythin’ I’ve done? Is this the price we pay for too much fun? Don’t be misled; it’s not a twist of fate It’s just what happens when you stay out late So raise your glasses, all my kings and queens Smash the chandelier to smithereens Who knew that mercury could rise so fast? Enjoy the party ’cause this is our last
If it’s the end of the world, let’s party Like it’s the end of the world, let’s party Wrap your arms around, everybody If we’re all gonna die, let’s party
If it’s the end of the world, let’s party Like it’s the end of the world, let’s party Wrap your arms around, everybody If we’re all gonna die, let’s party
There’s a party goin’ on in here It’s been happenin’ for many years And even if it all goes bad It was the best time we ever had
Who is she? Blonde goddess, lollipop-licking, candy perfumed, sunglass-shielding diva of divine status: who are you? Who are we? A million different people from one day to the next, and none of them very real, none of them very likable, none of them very authentic or genuine. A diva’s greatest lament is in not truly knowing who she is, because a diva should always know who she is.
That’s the essence of a diva: the certainty and belief in their own self. If that self is mutable and changeable, if that self can transform and transition, if change and transformation are the essence of this diva, does that make them any less?
One day the diva decides to take it off – the masks, the costumes, the make-up, and the sparkle – to see who might be underneath it all. The diva knows this is dangerous; there is always the risk of revealing too much, and by too much she knows this means there might be too little there to constitute anything of matter or meaning. What if it really was just a bunch of poses?
A hair-bumped reprieve at that moment when the guests have all gone, the candles have been blown out, and the saddest strings of smoke hang limply in the air.
We have reached the penultimate weekend of our posting schedule for The Divine Diva Tour: A Fairy’s Tale. Revisiting this project from 2005 has been a mostly-amusing, and occasionally-arduous exercise over the past summer season. It’s allowed me to re-examine choices (sartorially and emotionally), re-evaluate plans and hopes, and re-align the vision I had back then with whatever slight wisdom I may have gained in the past twenty years.
This mini-cliff-hanger before next weekend’s planned finale sets up the dark ending that was the only way this project was ever going to end. It shouldn’t come as any surprise, but even the most expected outcomes carry with them a sliver of hope that things might have gone a different direction. It’s the essence of being human: hoping against the inevitable and hanging onto a belief that anything could ever last. In some ways, this project was my way of reconciling myself to the end, because there is always an end, even if we don’t yet see one.
Lest anyone sound the alarms or call the po-po, this is a reminder that The Divine Diva Tour: A Fairy’s Tale was released twenty years ago. The ending at hand is purely metaphorical, and reveals more the destruction of this fairyland and the end of a mode of living that delved perhaps a bit too much into the realm of fantasy. It may strike with a greater resonance given the current world climate, and the desire to escape from a very real awfulness, but back then things weren’t nearly as serious.
And so, the end is near, and we are about to face the final curtain…
When all is stripped away,
when all is revealed,
when all else is gone,
All Is Vanity.
Married to darkness, bound to night, our diva is poised on the precipice of flight or falling.
Stilled at the right moment, who could tell the difference?
LAUGHING SCREAMING TUMBLING QUEEN LIKE THE MOST AMAZING LIGHT SHOW THAT YOU’VE EVER SEEN WHIRLING SWIRLING NEVER BLUE HOW COULD YOU GO AND DIE, WHAT A SELFISH THING TO DO
DID YOU EVER ASK THOSE STRANGERS WHAT THEY’RE SEARCHING FOR? DID THEY LAUGH AND TELL YOU THEY’RE NOT REALLY SURE? YOU WERE HURT BY LOVE BUT STILL YOU CAME RIGHT BACK FOR MORE IL ADORE, IL ADORE, IL ADORE…
“Be silent and listen: have you recognized your madness and do you admit it? Have you noticed that all your foundations are completely mired in madness? Do you not want to recognize your madness and welcome it in a friendly manner? You wanted to accept everything. So accept madness too. Let the light of your madness shine, and it will suddenly dawn on you. Madness is not to be despised and not to be feared, but instead you should give it life…If you want to find paths, you should also not spurn madness, since it makes up such a great part of your nature…Be glad that you can recognize it, for you will thus avoid becoming its victim. Madness is a special form of the spirit and clings to all teachings and philosophies, but even more to daily life, since life itself is full of craziness and at bottom utterly illogical. Man strives toward reason only so that he can make rules for himself. Life itself has no rules. That is its mystery and its unknown law. What you call knowledge is an attempt to impose something comprehensible on life.” ~ Carl Jung
“The first half of life is devoted to forming a healthy ego, the second half is going inward and letting go of it.” ~ Carl Jung
“It is often tragic to see how blatantly a man bungles his own life and the lives of others yet remains totally incapable of seeing how much the whole tragedy originates in himself, and how he continually feeds it and keeps it going.” ~Carl Jung
“In the artist, the strongest force in his make-up, that is, his creativeness, will seize and all but monopolize this energy, leaving so little over that thing of value can come of it. The creative impulse can drain him of his humanity to such a degree that the personal ego can exist only on a primitive or inferior level and is driven to develop all sorts of defects: ruthlessness, selfishness, (“autoeroticism”), vanity, and other infantile traits.”~ Carl Jung
“As a child I felt myself to be alone, and I am still, because I know things and must hint at things which others apparently know nothing of, and for the most part do not want to know.” ~Carl Jung
“People will do anything, no matter how absurd, to avoid facing their own souls. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.” ~ Carl Jung
A time capsule within a time capsule: this entry is from 2005’s Divine Diva Tour, but this song jumps back another decade to 1996, when Suzie and I (and our Moms) found ourselves at the celebrated Broadway revival of ‘Chicago’ featuring Ann Reinking and Bebe Neuwirth. I wore a shirt of silver thread in a leopard pattern, with a long-tailed black tuxedo jacket; Suzie was probably in cargo pants. We took in the phenomenon of classic theatrical showbiz pizzazz, and escaped our college-age concerns with a bit of the old razzle dazzle…
About a decade later, this song formed the backdrop to the photos seen here from The Divine Diva Tour Book: A Fairy’s Tale. A bad wig can work wonders when placed atrociously and artfully enough – in disarray it tells even more sordid tales of debauchery and treachery…
Give ’em the old razzle dazzle Razzle dazzle ’em Give ’em an act with lots of flash in it And the reaction will be passionate Give ’em the old hocus pocus Bead and feather ’em How can they see with sequins in their eyes? What if your hinges all are rusting? What if, in fact, you’re just disgusting? Razzle dazzle ’em And they’ll never catch wise!
Give ’em the old razzle dazzle Razzle dazzle ’em Give ’em a show that’s so splendiferous Row after row will crow vociferous Give ’em the old flim flam flummox Fool and fracture ’em How can they hear the truth above the roar? Throw ’em a fake and a finagle They’ll never know you’re just a bagel Razzle dazzle ’em And they’ll beg you for more!
Having taken the darkened turn and downward spiral into the last act of The Divine Diva Tour: A Fairy’s Tale, we re-enter a sweetly and dangerously delusional moment of dazzling escapism, winding ourselves irrevocably in the inevitable destruction of this character’s world. First conjured twenty years ago, in so many ways the disturbing aspects hinted at then have come to fruition in the wider world since – a sad testament to the timelessness of sorrow and darkness, cloaked in colorful bombast and shiny go-go pants.
Bands of black lace cut the thigh, a fishnet harlequin shades the legs, and a bed of feather boas gives false comfort and deceitful glamour. How can they see with sequins in their eyes?
Take flight, my fine fairy friends, and let us again be carefree, without worry or concern, riding on the winds of fantasy and make-believe… Goodbye cruel world! Farewell wicked place!! Adieu, adieu… to you and you and you…
Rush me ghost you see Every centre my home Fever steam girl Throb the oceans Your candy perfume girl You’re a candy perfume girl You’re a candy perfume girl
From the same wondrous ‘Our Time in Eden’ album that brought us the glory of ‘These Days’ comes the other hit single from that collection, ‘Candy Everybody Wants’. It forms the penultimate entry of this section of The Divine Diva Tour: A Fairy’s Tale, in which everything that seemed so sweet and lovely reveals a sickly, bloody underbelly. The scarlet lollipop melts into hemoglobin, the bracelets of candy bind your wrists together, and a necklace of Necco wafers works its ancient Latin language, choking you out with a death-clutch. And all the while, we eat it up. Try one, swallow some…
The music bounces along happily, the bursts of horns, the jangling guitars, the occasional ‘Hey!’s of Natalie Merchant – and it sounds for a moment like everything is gonna be all right. But it isn’t, is it? It will never be right again, and that’s one of the underlying themes of melancholy that pulls this song down from its lofty pop perch.
So their eyes are growing hazy Cos they wanna turn it on So their minds are soft and lazy, well Hey hey give ’em what they want
Ahh Candice… haven’t we all been you before? Most of us get it out of the way in our youth when we stand a chance of getting away with it. During the time of The Divine Diva Tour: A Fairy’s Tale, I was well beyond my Candice era, but the scars were still with me, and the damages we inflict upon ourselves will never be topped by anyone else.
