“It isn’t possible to kill part of your “self” unless you kill yourself first. If you ruin your conscious personality, the so-called ego-personality, you deprive the self of its real goal, namely to become real itself. The goal of life is the realization of the self. If you kill yourself you abolish that will of the self to become real, but it may arrest your personal development inasmuch it is not explained. You ought to realise that suicide is murder, since after suicide there remains a corpse exactly as with any ordinary murder. Only it is yourself that has been killed.” ~ Carl Jung
The last page of The Divine Diva Tour Book is a jumble of words and statements that I no longer recognize, that no longer hold much meaning, and that no longer resonate in any way with me. They are the words of a petulant, spoiled twenty-something who didn’t quite feel his place in the world properly. They do not ring true to who I am or where I am today, and for that reason I wasn’t going to include them here. As much as this is a historical look back at a place twenty years ago, much of it remains relevant today – except that last page. But if I’m going to be honest and authentic, if I’m going to acknowledge my foibles and failings, it’s important to put it out there, as it was, without editing or amendment. Clearly I had some issues, and at a time when I didn’t have, or want to access, the necessary tools for dealing with them, it came out in this messy format. A diva is messy – sometimes we are the messiest creatures of them all – and this is part of that ride.
Looking at it now, the passage reeks of insolent, charmless self-pity, laced with narcissism and hypocritical vanity. In many respects, these are very tenets of what makes a proper diva. While the tone was intended to be despondent and unforgiving, today it verges on the hilarious, and reminds me of one of those stand-up sessions where people read earnest quotes from their childhood diaries and the dramatics turn comically ridiculous. I don’t think I intended for this to be quite so funny, but it really is, so I hope you read it with the over-the-top earnestness with which it was written – and crack up at how foolish it is. I wasn’t ready to laugh so heartily at myself back then – today I am, because the truth is I’m closer to court jester and fool than I will ever be to any diva. There’s a little more happiness to being in that space – but just a little.
And so I give you the final act of the Divine Diva – it’s messy and mortifying and more than a little mad, which is sort of the soul of this project. It was also twenty years ago, and I forgive myself for how bad it was. I hope you’ll forgive me too – we all have past transgressions we’d like to remain buried. Exhuming something like this is an act of bravery and stupidity. See for yourself…
The Final Page of The Divine Diva Tour Book: A Fairy’s Tale ~ from July 2005:
I have offered myself as sacrifice. I have subjugated my life for your viewing pleasure. I have lived to entertain you – all of you – and at such a terrible cost. What price have I paid? What toll has it taken? The world will never know. But this was a peek into the glamorous existence of a Diva – perhaps the Greatest Diva of Them All – and a little secret I’d like to share now that we’re almost done. This hasn’t been done solely for you. Ahh, no, my friends. For try as you might to make it about you, it’s always been about me. I can’t help it – it’s the way the world happens to be. I will not apologize if my star shines brighter than yours, or if I’ve been more fortunate than you, or if you don’t think I work as hard as you do. How do you know? How do you fucking know – what I’ve been through, what I’ve done, what I’ve seen, how I’ve lived?
And yet I’ve shown you much, allowed you to live vicariously through these odd scenarios I’ve concocted, these strange flights of delusional grandeur. Give the entertainment its proper due. Applause here as I bow down, Mister. You have me to thank for passing your hours with such charm and wit and humor – I ask for nothing else. It was done for the thrill of it all. For the vanity. For the escape. For the Diva that I am and I’ll be always. And for you – all you wonderful people out there… in the dark… I have done al of this thinking it’s what you wanted from me, what you expected, what you anticipated and desired – and you couldn’t even care less. You say you love me, you tell me I’m handsome, talented, beautiful and lucky – and still you couldn’t care. Now here I am – left alone, left to be looked at – a pool of tears, a messy ruin, a genius in the throes of self-destructive abandon – and you just cannot care. So fuck you, fuck all of you, and fuck me too. Fuck me for caring so Goddamn much, fuck me for trying to be Someone, and fuck me for half-succeeding. You can’t forgive such foolishness, and neither can I. We are too selfish to enjoy someone’s else’s happiness for long. Let this misery be my gift to you. Farewell wicked world.
Back to the present day 2025 moment at hand… That was a lot – and a little extra on top of it. It’s ok to laugh at it. Or roll your eyes. Or turn away in disgust. I think I did all three while re-reading it. It was also a singular moment of metaphorical self-destruction, a suicidal gesture to dramatically illustrate the ways we do, at certain points, have to destroy those parts of us that are problematic, both in an intrinsically personal way, as well as on a universal level. No one exists entirely in a bubble, as much as we may sometimes wish we did. It was an end and an exorcism – for all that narcissism, all that vanity, all those false constructs that held me up when I didn’t really have a genuine belief in myself. It was helpful to me then, it got me through the darkest days, and for that I do not apologize or feel shame. We do what we have to do to survive.
Arriving at this place and space, twenty years later, is a relief and a wonder. Looking back, I can smile and laugh and shake my head at some of the images and antics. I can acknowledge and appreciate some of the nonsense and foolishness. I can also take certain elements of truth and beauty, celebrate them for what they were, and let them go.
A diva knows to take delight in a dramatic exit.
~ The Divine Diva Tour: A Fairy’s Tale ~
- Pink Frilly Fairy: Part One, Part Two, and Part Three
- Homage to Herb: Part One, Part Two and Part Three
- A Purple-Hued Interlude
- Style & Panache: Part One, Part Two, Part Three and Part Four.
- Purple Puff Confection: Part One, Part Two, Part Three and Part Four.
- A Blue-Hued Interlude
- Fuchsia Fabulousness: Part One. Part Two and Part Three.
- Bad Boy Bangs: Part One, Part Two. and Part Three.
- Vanity Under Where: Part One, Part Two. and Part Three.
- Sugar Plum Ballerina: Part One, Part Two, and Part Three.
- A Pool Frolic: Part One, Part Two, and Part Three.
- A Cemetery Interlude: Part One and Part Two.
- Powder Blue Fur Doll: Part One, Part Two, and Part Three.
- A Milky Interlude
- Rock Out, Cock Out/ Hang Out, Wang Out: Part One, Part Two, and Part Three.
- Cocktail Cocktale: Part One and Part Two.
- A Fairy’s Interlude: Part One and Part Two.
- Willy Wonkers: Part One, Part Two, and Part Three.
- A Peacock In Everything But Beauty: Part One, Part Two, and Part Three.
- Swan Lake Fantasia: Part One, Part Two, Part Three, and Part Four.
- Black & White in Briefs: Part One, Part Two. and Part Three.
- Weave of Basket, Weave of Rope: Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, and Part Five.
- Chains of Gray to Color: Part One, Part Two, Part Three and Part Four.
- Black Jockstrap: Back Entry: Part One, Part Two and Part Three.
- Super Fairy Interlude: Part One, Part Two and Part Three.
- American Psychology: Part One and Part Two.
- Jocks & Frocks: Part One, Part Two and Part Three.
- Wigging Out Interlude
- Shedding Selves & Beating Oneself Up: Part One, Part Two, Part Three, and Part Four.
- Pretty, Oh So Pretty: Part One and Part Two.
- Amber Vanity: Part One, Part Two, Part Three and Part Four.
- Bowler Hat Masked Mayhem: Part One, Part Two, Part Three, and Part Four.
- Candy Everybody Wants: Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, and Part Five.
- Razzling, Dazzling, Running Mascara: Part One, Part Two, Part Three, and Part Four.
- All Is Skull Fucked Vanity: Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, and Part Five.
- A Fairy’s Tale Ends: Part One.
