This is Madness

Once upon a high school time, this would have been a favorite song of mine. Its obsessive hooks, its obsessive theme, it all would have proven obsession for a teenager in the midst of too many hormones, pent-up emotions, and beaten-down rage. As such, it may be providing fodder for those currently in the midst of such madness. I’m a bit beyond it now, but it brings me back to those nights, when the world began to open up in terrifying, mind-altering ways, transforming me from a boy into a young man, irrevocably changing me, robbing me of innocence, raping me of hope.

M-m-m-m-m-m-m-m mad, mad, mad…
M-m-m-m-m-m-m-m mad, mad, mad…
I – I can’t get these memories out of my mind
And some kind of madness has started to evolve…

Once upon a college time I was a stalker. I knew all the *69 tricks, and the *67 cover stories. I wore black to blend into the night. I was there at your bedroom window. I was there when you left in the morning. I was there when you returned in the afternoon. I patrolled your house when you were gone. I smelled your pillow and left my own scent there. You knew it. You wanted me there as you pushed me away. It was okay. I understood. You needed. I wanted. We never met in the middle. And all I could do was long for you.

I have finally seen the light
And I have finally realized what you mean.
And now I need to know if this is real love
Or is it just madness keeping us afloat?
When I look back at all the crazy fights we had
Like some kind of madness was taking control.
Now I have finally seen the light
And I have finally realized what you need.

Once upon a twenty-something time, I searched for something more. It was no longer enough to obsess. I needed something back. I needed you to give me something for all that they had taken from me. I needed you to want. It was unfair of me, yes, it was. I see that now. I may have seen that then. I demanded it anyway. You cannot escape this life unscathed by the rendering of love. And yes, it cuts both ways, delivering its sweet exquisite joy as it rips your heart apart.

And now I have finally seen the end
And I’m not expecting you to care
But I have finally seen the light
I have finally realized
I need to love
I need to love…

We have done so much damage to each other while dancing this dance, and I don’t think either of us was in enough control to stop it. We embraced our collisions, we matched our pain, hurt for hurt, one-upping the other in manipulation, in meanness, in madness. We were so lost, and we thought if we were lost together it would help us find the way. That never works.

We left each other there, for better or worse. We limped away, too proud to lick our wounds. We were  hurt. We were hurt deeply. Unforgivably. And we deserved it all. We weren’t kind. We weren’t good. But we tried. I have to think that we tried. And in some second act, some faraway world, maybe we’ll make it right, maybe we’ll make it work. Maybe it won’t be madness.

Come to me
Just in a dream.
Come on and rescue me.
Yes I know, I can be wrong,
Maybe I’m too headstrong.
Our love is…
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