‘American Beauty’ was a movie released in September of 1999, one that I immediately loved, even if it hasn’t aged well thanks to the creepiness of Kevin Spacey. It takes its name from the ‘American Beauty’ rose – a rich, red variety that is a classic. It’s too classic for me – and roses have never grown well under my care. At the time the movie came out I was living in Chicago with my then-boyfriend. We’d only moved there about a month before that, and I was just beginning to find my way in that expansive city.
Chicago extended beyond what my Boston-accustomed perspective could comfortably imagine, sprawling out in neighborhood upon neighborhood. Just getting into the downtown could take an hour, and our apartment was still considered Chicago proper. When I did venture such a distance, I spent the whole day there, sometimes taking in a movie by myself when my boyfriend was at work. Such was how I discovered ‘American Beauty, and its haunting atmospheric soundtrack, which is the main point of this post.
The moody atmospheric music of the movie shaded that fall in Chicago, when I slowly realized our relationship was falling apart, that moving there had not been the right decision. It wasn’t a realization that came quickly or easily, and my heart fought against it even as my head finally came around. I held onto this section of the soundtrack for calm and stability, knowing I had nothing else on which to grab.
Even in my sadness, I sought out beauty in that state, thinking and hoping it would be some sort of balm upon the pain, and maybe it did blunt what I was about to feel. I couldn’t see it then, not at the end of that Chicago summer, when I’d pinned all my hopes on the heart of another young man, back when we were both too young to know how to make it work.
