Category Archives: General

Recap on the Eve of the Eve of All Hallow’s Eve

There’s a whole lot of Eve going on right now, and Bette Davis is likely throwing a tantrum in her grave as only she can. All fire and brimstone and things that go bump in the night… I have nothing more to add. Let’s look back at the week that came before.  

The decadence and the lace.

Breathing new life into peppers. 

It’s all an illusion

It was a Monster Ball.

The chain of #TinyThreads.

Madonna and water sports

Hot twist.

Dipping candles in the fall.

A shirtless Ben Cohen returns to the calendar game.

A bit of the ultra-violence.

Family by the fire pit

Caught in the act.

Shirtless Sunday fun-day stuff

A ghastly business.

Hunks of the Day include Matty Lee, Mark Ballas, Rory McIlroy, Randy RainbowTitanius Maximus, Matt Dallas and Daniel Newman (again). 

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Ghastly ~ {PVRTD Promo}

“Homosexual practices were actually very widespread in the camps. The prisoners, however, ostracized only those whom the SS marked with the pink triangle. The fate of the homosexuals in the concentration camps can only be described as ghastly… Theirs was an insoluble predicament and virtually all of them perished.” ~ Eugen Kogon

Shadows in shadows,

turned the blackest night

next to sunlight on snow…

Ominous darkness, foreboding

and criminal.

Stains of history,

implacable

stubborn

doomed.

Stains in shadow,

stains in complicity,

stains in conspiracy…

Shadow takes us all,

suffocating

smothering…

Choking on

smoke rising

from the bodies,

Breathing in

your charred brothers and mothers and daughters and sisters and uncles and grandfathers and sons

our charred brothers and mothers and daughters and sisters and uncles and grandfathers and sons

burnt hair

flesh

bone

floating into the sky

onto the snow

mud or blood or ash, who can tell…

?

PVRTD

The New Project

November 2018

www.ALANILAGAN.com

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Caught in the Act of Creation

We are on the verge of the month that my new project ‘PVRTD’ gets released. It’s all happening online, right here on The Projects page, which ushers in a new era of how these things may be done from this point forward. It also marks a departure from most of what I’ve done thus far in both style and substance. Here are a few peeks at the change in tone, and a look at what goes into the creation of something new.

Much of the promotional stuff has been typical strip-tease mining, and while that’s fun for some of you, it doesn’t encompass what the bulk of ‘PVRTD’ is about – and that’s been quite intentional. Before every big fall there is a rise to the giddy heights of decadence and freedom. Here, the very first peek at what happens afterward… and some behind-the-scenes shots of how we made it all happen.

For this work, I got my friends and family to help out. It’s such a dark project that I wanted the warmth and light of those people who mean the most to me to seep in somehow. On this particular weekend in Boston, Kira aided me in the photographic duties, and we traversed Chinatown seeking out the appropriate settings and scenes.

It was a dreary and damp night, but she made it fun and bearable, and we ended it with a bowl of soup. Sharing such a meal at the sleepy tail-end of a cold evening out is one of my favorite things to do. A necessary one too. The subject matter, while it had not yet been fleshed out fully, would be weighty, and knowing this imbued our work with a seriousness that most of my projects often lack, particularly in the creation portion. (You should have seen the hysterics involved in shooting some of my holiday cards. The darker those were, the funnier it was to make them.) For this project, there wasn’t as much laughter.

The fatigue from a night of shooting shows through here, and I love that. My guard is down when I’m with Kira. I can ease into a subway manspread (it was practically empty!) and let the outside wind fuck up my hair and it’s all ok. We got some good shots and in my mind I was already figuring out what part they would play in the new project.

We walked from the subway to the condo, the night promising the end of winter but neither of us quite believing it.

I think I’m at my most alive when I’m in the act of creating.

PVRTD

November 2018

The Projects Page

www.ALANILAGAN.com

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Standing Near the Fire Pit

Last weekend we attended a dinner party at my brother’s house – a cozy rendezvous with a few moments by the fire pit. What does one wear to such a thing? None other than this fabulously-rendered knit poncho that I found in some hidden store in Portland, Maine a while back. I bring it out for fall days like this, as much for its layer of warmth as for its ridiculous form and style. We all look foolish in a poncho, let’s be honest.

Before dinner, Paul got the fire going, and Andy and I posed before the guests arrived. We would return to it at the end of the evening, when all was dark and the fire had softened to a pile of glowing embers. Sometimes that’s the best part of a fire, even if it takes some howling and crackling to get there. As for the dinner, it was a lovely gathering of friends old and new – the perfect fall escapade – and one of those rare times when I felt I was on the inside looking out instead of my usual vantage point on the periphery. Or maybe I just felt like one of the group instead of being the elephant at the zoo.

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Stripped of the Ultra-Violence: A Boo-jolais Costume

“Is it better for a man to have chosen evil than to have good imposed upon him?” ~ Anthony Burgess, A Clockwork Orange

For this year’s Boo-jolais Wine Celebration as put on by the Alliance for Positive Health there was a monster theme. While some are going for the literal – werewolves, beasts, and inhuman creatures of monstrous animus – I’m more of a literary fan via Kubrick cinema, and in that hyper-specific field there is no one more monster-like than Alex Defarge from ‘A Clockwork Orange’. This look is a perennial classic, and this isn’t my first time donning bowler and codpiece.

As for the Boo-jolais Monster Ball, the cause and the organization behind it are always worthy if you’re looking to donate. Check out their site and all the good work they do here, and maybe I’ll see you there next year…

“We can destroy what we have written, but we cannot unwrite it.” ~ Anthony Burgess, A Clockwork Orange

“The important thing is moral choice. Evil has to exist along with good, in order that moral choice may operate. Life is sustained by the grinding opposition of moral entities.” ~ Anthony Burgess, A Clockwork Orange

“It is as inhuman to be totally good as it is to be totally evil.” ~ Anthony Burgess, A Clockwork Orange

“It’s funny how the colors of the real world only seem really real when you watch them on a screen.” ~ Anthony Burgess, A Clockwork Orange

And speaking of that, please subscribe to my YouTube channel for more of the old in-out, in-out.

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Fall Weekends of the Past

Whenever the world grows cold, and I feel the need for reassurance and warmth, I think of my grandmother. She seemed to come more regularly into our orbit every fall, as the days began the march to the holidays. My Mom would bring us into her hometown of Hoosick Falls to spend the weekend with Gram just as the fall ascended to its apex. In preparation, I would make a batch of apple cinnamon muffins. They filled our house with the comforting smell of cinnamon and spices. Nestling them into a cloth-lined basket a la Little Red Riding Hood, I loaded them carefully into the car and we made our way along the backroads into the little town where Gram spent most of her life.

In close proximity to Vermont, Hoosick Falls was a sleepy village, through which the Hoosick river flowed. Water played a part in our journey there, as we crossed bridges that went over streams and said river. “Over the river and through the woods to grandmother’s house we go” was an apt musical cue, and we would sing it out loud as we entered the town.

That first night we would settle in to an old-fashioned meal cooked by Gram, accompanied by apple-cinnamon muffins for dessert. We went to sleep in spite of our excitement over the next day’s travels.

Some years the leaves were in the midst of their glory; others they had already been rendered bare. The sky was usually gray, and the air damp, but the scent of fireplaces made it all feel more cozy. Along with the rustling of leaves, the sound of rushing water came to signify fall, as it ran behind one of our favorite places to stop: the candle mill.

As one of the main destinations for me and my brother, its two-or-three-story building stood on the edge of a roaring stream, always full of fall rain. Before we got outside to inspect it closer, however, we had candle work to do. There was one small section, on the landing between floors I think, where they offered a pair of pure white linked candles which you could dip in various wax colors which were heated and smelled deliciously of light, if light could have a fragrance. We would dip and make our own designs (I always tried to make an entire rainbow on the candle, but after the third or fourth dunk it was futile, and the yellow never got as light as I wanted it.) That wasn’t the point – we loved it, being able to take part in something like that, putting our own little spin on something as wonderful as a candle.

Afterward, we would go behind the building and look over the bank onto the rush of water. A little waterfall crashed further up the stream; it was noisy there, in the best way. We wanted to get closer, but there was danger there too. Childhood verges ever on the dangerous. We gripped our paper bags of candles tightly, as we edged nearer the ledge. Mom and Gram pulled us back and then it was time for dinner in Manchester.

Those weekends were why Gram would come to symbolize the coziness of fall to me. Together with my Mom, they crafted a sense of warmth just when the world began to go the opposite direction. Later, Gram would teach me to crochet, another act of creation that would see us through the winter as well. But that’s another story to tell, and we’re not quite there yet.

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A Twist on a Twist

After a particularly stressful day at work, one of the best ways to wind down is to reinstitute the proper cocktail hour. Should you find yourself out of olives, which I did the other day, a cherry pepper will do just fine. Its pumpkin-like form is a bonus this time of the year.

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Optical Illusion

Does it move when you see it too?

While not an official #TinyThreads entry, this is mindless midday fodder. 

Enjoy. 

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The Decadence Before the Fall

“I shall go on shining as a brilliantly meaningless figure in a meaningless world.” â€• F. Scott Fitzgerald

Before any downfall, be it of a person or a civilization, there is a glorious heyday – a stretch of glory and fun and decadent celebration when the world feels at its fullest. These are the days when the only thing one worries about is where the next font of fun will be found – at the end of a meal, at the bottom of a bottle, or at the edge of the next project.

We doll ourselves up because what else is there to do? Idleness has started more wars than we realize. The human spirit no longer finds contentment in being still and silent. Maybe it never did.

Still, we aim to sparkle. We aim to astound. We aim to be more than the bodies and shells we inhabit.

Decked out in lace, bound by strands of silk, and corseted by grommeted brocade, we spin and twirl and tread across a land that will soon be barren.

We do not know this then.

We do not want to know.

We want only to want…

PVRTD

The New Project

November 2018

ALANILAGAN.com

 

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Decadent Defiance 2

From ‘The Pink Triangle’ by Richard Plant: “Perhaps the Nazi Party’s most explicit statement on homosexuality is the one it published on May 14, 1928, in response to a query about its stance toward reform of Paragraph 175. It is worth quoting in full:

It is not necessary that you and I live, but it is necessary that the German people live. And it can only live if it can fight, for life means fighting. And it can only fight if it maintains its masculinity. It can only maintain its masculinity if it exercises discipline, especially in matters of love. Free love and deviance are undisciplined, therefore, we reject you, as we reject anything that hurts our nation.

Anyone who thinks of homosexual love is our enemy. We reject anything which emasculates our people and makes it a plaything for our enemies, for we know that life is a fight, and it is madness to think that men will ever embrace fraternally. Natural history teaches us the opposite. Might makes right. The strong will always win over the weak. Let us see to it that we once again become the strong! But this we can achieve only in one way – the German people must once again learn how to exercise discipline. We therefore reject any form of lewdness, especially homosexuality, because it robs us of our last chance to free our people from the bondage which now enslaves us.”

On this bed all the pleasures of the world in a single strand of silk!

All the tease, all the want, all the carnal desire running through the thinnest silken cord, wound round and round, tighter and tighter…

All your fantasies laid bare but for a bit of lace…

Rip it off.

Rip it all off.

Like a second skin, scant shell…

Be savage as you ravage

this body, this bed…

Seduction carries an inherent danger when an imbalance of power exists.

But you like the danger too.

The redness of the skin

The bruising of the body

The trickle of blood and its metallic taste on the tongue.

Like tasting winter…

“Among the homosexuals were exceptional people whose deviance could be called tragic; on the other hand [there were] also cheap hustlers and blackmailers. The prisoners with the pink triangle never lived long. They were exterminated by the SS quickly and systemically.” – Raimund Schnabel

 

PVRTD

November 2018

The Projects Page

www.ALANILAGAN.com

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Decadent Defiance 1

“Such degenerates have no right to existence in a well-regulated bourgeois society, and they have no gift for doing so. They endanger society to a high degree and they do so as long as they live. Medical science has found no way to cure these victims of an organic disturbance. They should be put away for life…” ~ Richard von Krafft-Ebing, ‘The Deviant Sexual Male Before the Court of Justice’ 

Black and white photographic decadence, captured from a bit in the boudoir, teases and hints at the upcoming ‘PVRTD’ project. Grainy images from a faded television, a glimpse of the past through a present lens, flickering lights, wavering shadows… they each play a part. Darkness descends with the arrival of night.

The strange inherent contradiction of lace – the way it is both cool and warm at once – and the morbid, mourning, passion-filled color of black – the color that contains all colors – and the juxtaposition of sex and death, implored or implied, bleeds into these pre-proceedings.

What the eye detects, what the web of lace conceals, what the fuck is so jarring about the luxury of a night? A rumble in the distance – clap of thunder, dropped bomb, rolling truck – static and fuzz and tension.

An invitation. A hesitancy. A furtive look.

Coquettish innocence armed with a poisoned prick.

Peek-a-boo.

Defiant and compliant, with promises of pleasure and perhaps the palpitation of pain in the face of what is to come. Who will make it through the night?

“These efforts are nothing but vulgar, perverted crimes and we will punish them by banishment or hanging…”

PVRTD

November 2018

The Projects Page

www.ALANILAGAN.com

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When the Day Dims…

There is far too much anger and sorrow on the internet these days. I count myself among those who may not always help the situation, particularly on my Twitter feed in which I do my best to counter all the awfulness and fact-skewing nonsense out there. This blog has largely steered clear of such stuff, unless something really egregious happens. (If certain bigots would stop fucking with marriage equality then everything would be fine.)

Thankfully there are spaces of warmth and safety, places we can visit without the constant barrage of bad news, hateful comments and miserable trolls. I’m still trying to make this one of those destinations. To that end, here’s a pretty sunset from upstate New York.

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Fall’s Edge

Lightly rubbing a crayon over the sheet of construction paper, I concentrate on picking up only the faintest outline of the leaf’s veins. The stronger ones show through, revealing the shadowy image of the inner-workings of this remnant of oak. I don’t know which I like better – the pointy-edged leaves or the rounder ones. Each is beautiful in its own way. The rounded ones have better veining though, giving them the edge.

The school art tasks of fall were the respite I found when feeling homesick or riddled with social anxiety. They were silent activities for the most part, and carried out on solitude – the best kind of task for my frame of mind. The teacher would give instruction, then we’d separate into smaller groups and fend for ourselves with the materials at hand. I liked those moments almost as much as silent reading time (easily my favorite part of elementary school), not only for the creative artistic aspect of the work, but for the safety of being alone. Maybe it’s strange that a boy would feel safer when alone than with a school mate; such was my favored lot in childhood. How close self-possession is to self-obsession. As a child, I was no more obsessed with myself than any other kid was, but I suppose that’s the lot of youth too – thinking only of ourselves to ensure our survival.

Fall saw all the animals scrambling for similar self-preservation. The squirrels and chipmunks have been rounding up their winter stash for weeks. The geese have been making motions of heading south. There is a frantic excitement in the air now that the days have turned over to reveal the full chill of the season. The push and pull of time and tense lends friction to our motion. We have begun the hustle to winter.

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YouTube & Me

Little-known fact: I’ve had a YouTube channel for a few years now. 

I just never really did anything with it. 

A requisite whale watching video. (Yawn.)

A Madonna video from her Rebel Heart Tour stop in Boston (and one featuring her son David’s birthday).

A gratuitous Speedo swim.

A flowing summer caftan.

A pair of boisterous twins.

A cherry tree shedding its blossoms

A hint of a new project

For some reason, YouTube was, and largely remains, just a frivolous afterthought. As much as it trounces all other social media sites, dwarfing even FaceBook, Twitter and Instagram, I just never liked it much. That was my typical Thoreau-like aversion to present day trends and technology. My niece and nephew, however, shamed me into stepping up my YouTube game when they poked fun at the fact that I only had 40 subscribers. If you have to get schooled by a pair of eight-year-olds, you’re already lagging behind. So, let this be my game attempt at posting more videos and shedding another veil. Now please go and Subscribe to my channel to show my niece and nephew that I did make something out of my life! 

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The PVRTD Promo Blitz Continues…

The camera catches things the mirror can’t.

The way we hide.

The way we avert our eyes.

We can trick the mirror because we are the one on the other side.

You can’t trick the camera.

It has its own tricks, to be sure, but its gaze is more penetrating than the mirror.

We have control over what the mirror will reflect.

The camera will see us as it sees fit.

We don’t always like what it sees.

Sometimes, we want the lies that only the mirror can tell.

Because yes, it has two sides.

We can believe the lies.

We want to believe in them.

Life is easier when cradled in a cocoon of untruths.

Laura Argiri once wrote in her magnificent book ‘The God in Flight’, “Growing up is the slow process of learning to tell oneself the truth.”

Forty-three years into this life, I find it may be time to grow the fuck up.

PVRTD

The New Project

NOVEMBER 2018

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