I Sat On This Santa Before (But We Were Naked)

You’re never too old (or big) for Santa’s lap. In this never-before-seen shot of what was once a Holiday Card contender, this is me sitting on the lap of a very special Santa – my husband Andy. Yes, back in the day I somehow cajoled him into appearing in a possible Christmas Card decked out in full-on Santa Drag. I’m not sure why it was never used (he likely didn’t sign the release), or what monstrosity replaced it (there are a few sordid options here and there and everywhere), but it’s being posted now because I’m feeling the Christmas spirit. (I’m also just glad that the wretched door seen in the background has been replaced. Some things are worth celebrating over and over and over…)

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Tis the Season

Before the snow arrives, as we approach the shortest and darkest day of the year, we invite our friends old and new over to celebrate the season.

Christmas is forever, not for just one day,
for loving, sharing, giving, are not to put away
like bells and lights and tinsel, in some box upon a shelf.
The good you do for others is good you do yourself…
– Norman Wesley Brooks
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Ripped Male Model Busting Out of His Briefs

The title of this post says it all, and then some, but male model Ngo Okafor somehow says even more. I have never in my life been with a guy built like this, and if I had I probably wouldn’t have had the first clue what to do other than laugh nervously and get the hell out of there. Some things are too good to be true.

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Tom Daley Shirtless & Ready for a Kiss

We must interrupt this day of male models for the shot below of Tom Daley holding up a sprig of mistletoe and inviting the viewer to… okay, I can’t. Is this bitch even legal? (Yes, he is.) Anyway, he one of the favorites here, so in the spirit of Christmas, I present Mr. Daley in these three holiday poses.

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The Naked Male-Model-as-Rough-Trade Shots

Is that a gun near his pocket or is he just happy to see me? While tattoos are not usually my thing, I’ll suspend that foolish rule for the sake of this bad boy, male model Mateus Verdelho. Is he bad because of his tats, or are his tats bad because of him. (I sincerely hope you didn’t come here today for the written word.) All we have are salacious pubic shots, all day and half of the night.

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Lazy (But Shirtless) Male Model Friday

This post, and the near-naked ones that follow, is a complete lazy cop-out, designed for ease and speed when I’m too sick and tired to do much else. It is male model Tobias Sorensen, and he is only the first of a parade of male models for the day. Apologies for the lack of long-winded prose, but you’re probably already scrolling down to see how low the pubic hair shots go, so don’t let me interrupt you. Just don’t come back and revisit my words because that’s just plain rude. Enjoy the rest of the day… more to come.

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A Not-So-Unexpected Journey

Tonight, at midnight to be exact, I will be seeing my first midnight showing of a movie since… well, probably ‘Evita’ with Suzie in Times Square. This time around it’s ‘The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey’ with my friend Skip (who is also webmaster of this very site). Consider it a midnight man-date. (His wife Sherri said it was okay, and so did my husband Andy.)

I have no idea what to expect, other than a few people wearing costumes. I debated going that route – I love an excuse to wear a costume! – but time ran out, and a sniffle derailed me, so I’ll have to sit the wardrobe portion of the evening out. The best I can do, off-the-cuff, is an approximation of the fur ensemble seen below – though it might prove awfully hot in a crowded theater.

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Our Office Christmas Party

I am woefully aware that I missed out on the golden age of office holiday parties – those wild and carefree days when you could smoke, drink, and make sexual advances while under the influence of said smoke and drink, and all would be forgiven and forgotten by the next Monday morning. It was the ultimate representation of ‘What happens at the office Christmas party stays at the office Christmas party’. Sadly, those days are done, and there is so much political correctness at the office parties I’ve attended that there is no more room for indecent fun and debauchery. They have been watered down to sanitized versions of their former glory, with no room for outrageousness, and no hope for excitement. I never got to experience the wicked ways of the past, (and I hold little to no hope of having it happen at today’s office party), so I’ll pop in the Christmas episode of ‘Mad Men’ – the one where Joan leads a feisty conga line – and dream of the sugarplums of the 60’s, back when life was quaint, and you could bribe Santa with a nip.

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You Put One Foot in Front of the Other

I never realized that Fred Astaire was the voice behind ‘Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town’, which is currently playing in our den. (And who the hell knew that Mickey Rooney played Kris Kringle??) And does anyone call this room a ‘den’ anymore? Forgive me, a trifling of a cold has got me slightly down and delirious, just at the most inopportune moment, but I am determined to lick it quickly and decisively.

It turns out that Burl Ives, Fred Astaire and Boris Karloff formed some of my most happy Christmas memories. I wonder if the stop-motion style of these stories casts the same spell over today’s kids. Incidentally, my favorite song from all of these Christmas specials is in this one – ‘Put One Foot in Front of the Other’ – which I love as much for the tune as for its moment of misunderstood-bad-guy-transformation.

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Our Christmas Tree

This is our Christmas tree for 2012. It’s usually done with colored lights, but I begged and pleaded that Andy let us do it in white lights to match the rest of the decorations this year. Before he had a chance to answer, I strung it myself. It’s easier to ask forgiveness than to ask permission. Personally, I think it’s just as lovely, and much brighter than usual. Next year he can go back to the full-color version since the tree is usually his thing.

While trimming the tree used to be my favorite thing to do, since I grew up, I stopped bothering with it. I’m not sure why. Sometimes the things we think will be the last to go are the first to be forgotten. When I lived in Boston I never had a Christmas tree, not even a tiny Charlie Brown version – it just seemed like too much work for such a small thing.

If I were to end up in Boston again, I would most definitely get a tree for the holidays. In fact, the last time I was in town I was tempted to get one for the condo just for the scant weekends I’d be there this month. (Kira rightly argued against it.)

No matter what else is going on in the world, waking to the smell of a fresh Christmas tree in the living room will always make things just a little better. That’s something that will never go away.

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The Cock & Bull

It turns out that the term ‘Cock & Bull’ could very well be referring to chicken and beef, as my brother so matter-of-factly pointed out to me when I asked where this establishment had gotten its name. It’s one of those very late-in-life realizations that changes everything and makes you wonder what else you have missed by not paying attention. He was slightly incredulous that I never made the connection. I just always assumed it was a saucy, cheeky name for a place.

After our ride through the fog-laden roads of Galway, the way the Cock & Bull seemed to rise out of the clouds was almost magical. The cold chill of a December afternoon stopped abruptly at the door, kept at bay by the welcome warmth of several fireplaces roaring with amber-hued flames. A crowd – bigger than I ever expected to find in Galway this early in the afternoon – mulled around the restaurant. Later we’d discover that the people – and the delicious cookies that we were partaking of at the bar – were for a Christmas party that was being held there. Even after our admission that we were not part of the party, the owner still offered us the cookies.

Sitting fireside, our backs to the heat, we chatted with the owner who was helping out behind the bar. Since I wasn’t driving I had a Jack & ginger, as warm and welcoming as the cozy surroundings. This was the perfect Christmas cocktail spot, the kind of place I searched for in dreams, and in the fog-induced haze it almost felt unreal.

It was also the perfect Christmas moment with my brother, the kind that works best when completely unplanned, as our spur-of-the-moment trip here was. Sometimes you simply have to trust the universe to guide you through the fog to the fire.

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Found in the Fog

After the Festival of Trees, I stopped by my brother’s and we headed out into Galway to have a drink with his boss. I’d never been to the Cock & Bull before, but the name sounded promising, and he said it was the perfect cozy Christmas spot, with a few roaring fireplaces and decent food. The ride out was along the winding way of Route 67, reminding me of the trips we took to see Gram in Hoosick Falls. We would not be going that far today, instead taking a left at the corner of the church and a Stewart’s shop. The day had turned foggy – very foggy – and the world slipped away, a bank of clouds on all sides of us, transporting us to another realm. Visibility decreased and seeing fifty feet ahead proved difficult.

Fog has always been a comfort to me. Walking to McNulty School as a kid, we would sometimes cut through the fields that separated our neighborhood from the school. In late Fall the fog would surround us, so thick and heavy that I’m amazed we didn’t lose our bearings more often than we did. As it was, we would often come out of the fields at a great distance from the school, having miscalculated our location and swerving slightly off course with nothing to guide us. On those mornings, the fog was a danger and a respite. It filled the in-between time, buffering home and school, and I was grateful for getting lost in it. At those moments, no one in the world could see us, no one knew where we were, and there was great freedom in that.

On this day, as my brother drove us through the back-roads of Galway, I felt the same thrill of being unseen and unknown. The fog closed behind us as we turned into a driveway I would have normally passed right by. A plume of smoke rose from a cozy-looking place, melting seamlessly into the sky and promising the warmth of a fire.

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Lunch with the Twins (And Two of the Funniest Photos I’ve Taken in a While)

After the Festival of the Trees, we got lunch from McDonald’s as an extra treat for the twins. (It appears that kids are what keep McDonald’s in business.) Emi was more interested in giving her fries “a bath” in the McNugget sauce than eating them. Noah was more interested in spilling his fries on the carpet and stomping them into the fibers. Out of 50 French fries, I’d say a total of three were consumed.

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A Children’s Festival

My alternate title for this post, in honor of all those who so deeply despise profanity, was “What in the fuck am I doing here?” We’ll go with ‘A Children’s Festival’ though to appease the seasonal do-gooders. This past weekend I accompanied my parents as they took Noah and Emi to the Festival of Trees at the Century Club in Amsterdam. Saturday was their children’s day, so I found myself surrounded by kids, crafts, and an underweight Santa Claus.

I will say that they certainly decked the place out nicely, and the kids enjoyed every moment (perhaps a bit too much – there was slightly more galloping and running away than I would have liked… Fun Uncle has his limits).

Luckily everyone had their kids too, so if there were any dirty stares and glares, they were probably coming from me.

That said, my niece and nephew are still the best, and when given a crayon or some glue, they know what to do.

The big moment, of course, was the arrival of Santa. Noah was brave enough to sit on his lap again this year, but Emi was not quite ready. Maybe next year…

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XXXmas Porny Santas (Uncensored)

It’s just a matter of time before Andrew Christian just does a hard-core porn film in support of his underwear line. And I can’t wait. Here’s his holiday promo:

Hunky Santas: The Holiday Card (Uncensored) from Andrew Christian on Vimeo.

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