Back When Madonna Scared the Shit Out Of Me

It had to be done delicately. I set up the plan with my brother’s friend. No connection. No one would ever know. But I knew I needed it. It was my fix. I needed it bad. I would do anything for it. Fortunately, he seemed to understood, gave me no grief, and offered to leave it hidden in the bush in front of his house. I could pick it up after dark on my way home. No one would be the wiser.

At the appointed time, I rode up on my bike, checking that no one was around as I planned my pick up. The night had turned cooler. Dusk was at hand. It was the perfect time to take what I needed and disappear. I inched along the hedge in front of his house and looked in through the leaves. At last I found it. It was a videotape. I picked it up, put it down the front of my pants, and pedaled away, as fast as I could go, without looking back.

Madonna’s Blond Ambition Tour had aired on HBO for the first time the night prior, and I had begged my brother’s friend to record it for me. He did so, and I held in my crotch the videotape of that sacred event. As I rushed down to the basement to watch it for the first time, my heart raced. Yet I was not quite ready for it. The year prior, I had almost smashed her ‘Like A Prayer’ album in my backyard, beneath a rock, for fear of the retribution God would inflict on me and my family for having listened to it. A strict Catholic upbringing ran deep and dark.

“She doesn’t want to live off-camera, much less talk.

There’s nothing to say off-camera.

Why would you say something if it’s off-camera?

What point is there… in existing?”

– Warren Beatty 

Now, a year later, I inserted it into the VCR and watched the show. I made it through the first few songs… but when they got to ‘Like A Prayer’ I freaked out again. The religious imagery, the almost-sacriligious movements… it was all too much for my fourteen-year-old mind to take. I wasn’t ready to give it all up just yet. I stopped the tape. Yes – I, Madonna-fan-extraordinaire – turned off her Blond Ambition Tour.

It would only be another year or so before I embraced it fully in ‘Truth or Dare‘ – the exact moment that cemented my Madonna obsessions and love forever – daring God to strike me down – and begging my parents to get me a laser-disc player so I could watch the broadcast properly. (They did, and I did. Over and over. To the point where I had the choreography memorized – no lie.)

Today marks the anniversary of that tour’s opening, and I am brought to that innocent, and not-so-innocent, time. A lot has gone down since then. But the moment remains a milestone in my memory, and is worthy of note. I’m posting it here for those who remember – and for those who don’t. I’m straddling the line these days.

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Instagram My Ass

A number of people have asked me why I don’t start an Instagram account, citing all the pics I post. To be honest, that’s the entire reason in itself: I already post enough photos – why do I want another outlet and time-burner for that? Besides, Madonna was already warned about her Instagram photos – it would be just a matter of time before my account got shut down by the powers-that-be. No, for now you’ll have to come here to get a bum-rush like the one you see here today. This is basically what my Instagram shots would look like – and I think I’ve suffered enough em-bare-ass-ment for one day.

Having said all that, I’ll probably join a few years from now, when it’s starting to subside, like I did with Twitter. I’m a Virgo. It takes me a while to embrace the change. Of course, if you want to make the world a better place, take a look at your ass and make a change. (Sorry, I’m on some serious sleep-deprivation…)

ADDENDUM: I’m now on Instagram under ‘alanilagan’. I had to let it happen… I had to change…

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April Showers

This wretched weather of late is decidedly depressing, and coming at a most emotionally- inopportune moment. Most of us are done with the ice and the sleet, and yet there it was the other morning when I woke up, dripping from the hopefully-spared buds on the dogwood tree. This looked to be the best showing thus far of the dogwoods I planted several years ago, and if they end up wasted because of this hateful weather I will be unreasonably pissed. (Intellectually I know there is nothing to be done about such things, but it always puts me in a better mood to bitch.)

In an effort to bring in the spring, I’m posting these photos of the fragrant Korean lilac. The sight alone is almost enough to conjure their intoxicating perfume, and the affiliation of sunnier days. Lord let there be truth to the showers/flowers adage.

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4:13

When the body of Jody Bartuk freed itself in a late winter thaw, I was the first one who saw it. I didn’t scream, even though it was only the second time I had seen a dead body. My father was up on the bank by the car. Glancing guiltily up at him, I waved. It was my own moment and for some reason I didn’t want to share it.

The woman – it was a woman – had a dark dress on, with a collar of what once must have been white lace. I remember the small bald spot on the back of her head, made apparent by the parting of her hair in the icy water. Tiny waves broke on the pale beach of that spot of skin, and the bobbing of her head gave the unsettling impression that she still struggled. That’s when Daddy came down and got me. I was in mid-air kicking my feet when he saw her and put me down.

“Janie, go to the car and wait for Daddy.” It was his serious voice so I didn’t wait before hurrying up the slope. Near the car, I turned around and saw my father talking on the phone. He clicked it shut then grabbed a large stick and tried to pull the body closer to shore. It didn’t move much, surrounded by ice, and it wasn’t going anywhere so he let it be.

“Janie, are you okay up there?” he called.

“Yeah,” I shouted. I wanted to come down and look closer, but Daddy would be mad. He stood near the river, his hands on his hips, his head moving side to side and looking, searching for something. I looked around too. The wind picked up and, though I could still see him, I felt alone and scared.

“Daddy? I’m cold. Can we go home now?” I yelled.

“In a little while, Janie. Get in the car and I’ll be up in a minute.” It was never a minute. I hopped into the back seat and picked through my books.

It was mid-March, but winter lingered that year. The ice still hadn’t completely broken up. Jagged little mountains of it, littered with dirt and debris, jammed into the river bank. Where Jody Bartuk’s body once froze and freed itself was again ice. No one could tell that the spot had just released a dead woman.

I didn’t dream during that spring or summer. Only in the fall, with its chill and clarity, did they come to me – late at night, deep in the folds of sleep, barely to be remembered…

“Jody.”

She froze.

“How did you know my name? Do I know…”

The gun came out of the black night and landed on the side of her head. She fell and screamed.

“Shut up or I’ll kill you. I will.”

The gun felt harder than she imagined it would, stuck against her back as she stumbled further from the road. His voice sounded nervous and shaky, without the viciousness of a villain. Evil was never what you thought it would be. Everything she had been warned about was happening, and none of the advice seemed practical or possible, and the gun was too hard anyway…

Daddy rushed into the room and switched on the desk lamp as I pulled the matted hair away from my damp forehead. He held me tight and let out a sigh. He knew trouble in the night too. He also knew he couldn’t hold onto me forever. I think I understood that before he did.

“Was it a nightmare?” he asked when my breathing slowed. I nodded. “What was it about?”

I lied. “A monster.” It wasn’t the first lie a daughter told her father, and it wasn’t the first lie I told him. It wouldn’t do to burden him now. The dreams continued, to the point where I was afraid to go to sleep. He thought I was growing afraid of the dark. It was easier than having to explain those dreams, the visitations from a woman I had never met, but who felt so familiar, and the way I saw life so much more vividly then. Daddy wouldn’t understand that. He would worry. Even then I knew it fell to me to protect him from that. It was all I could give to him. The dreams remained mine. Their vividness grew more real, the details coalescing into tangible memories. These memories stayed with me, burning themselves upon my formative youth. I was almost convinced it had been I who was killed that night.

“Lay down there,” he hissed nervously, angry agitation surfacing above his fear. “No, there.” And then her simple compliance, without objection. Had she thought it would be easier that way? Had she bargained this body for that life? What might she have done differently if she knew he was going to kill her anyway? What would any of us have done differently?

He pulled her skirt down. The rush of cold. The icy leaves. The hardness of the gun again. She thought he might be so hard, but found herself violated by something softer. That’s when she knew he would kill her. Men did things like that. They shamed themselves, then blamed others for it. Maybe that’s why she didn’t bother to fight. She did wonder that, at the end.

His heavy breathing, and then his crying. His spent self, his shuddering sobs, and then his frightening, hot anger.

“You did this! You!” he screamed. And then the gun shot. She turned away to look at the silhouettes of the naked trees rising above them. She didn’t want to leave looking at his face.

I thought Christmas might ease the dreams. I’d been good that year, even as I wondered if such self-awareness negated the goodness. A truly selfless act was so difficult to pull off, but I was trying. Daddy held me closer during the holidays. I couldn’t tell why – there were too many reasons – and I let him because he seemed to need it more than me.

My Christmases had become quiet days, and I listened to the animated retellings of schoolmate’s holidays with a distant disinterest. I never understood the noisiness of their lives. It seemed better to go on in silence.

The anniversary of that late winter discovery both thrilled and frightened me. In it was the hope of some magical eradication – a new start to rid myself of these messy dreams. When you’re a kid, those demarcations mean something – they hold an enchantment that may or may not exist, but it all depends on believing.

As the date neared, I checked in my diary, thumbing back to that moment, trying to re-create and honor what had transpired. If it was done correctly, properly, if I gave her what she wanted, it might be okay. It might make her go away.

He dragged her body deeper into the woods, out to the river. He weighed her down with stones. He was getting ready to leave this place. The body didn’t need to be hidden forever. He waded into the shallow water. His shoes fought with the mud, his skin crying out against the cold. She was already rigid. It always surprised him how quickly it happened. Even when he moved fast, it happened so soon.

Even dead, some fought back. She seemed to fight more now that she was gone than when she was alive. Maybe that’s why it didn’t work as well this time. The fight was an engagement, a connection more real than the dismissals to which he was accustomed. They couldn’t understand that.

The body wouldn’t go down. He started pounding on it, splashing the cold water upward. The anger flashed again. The coldness of the water bit at him. He found a large stick and pushed the stiffening load into the muck at the bottom of the river. At last it stuck. He didn’t care if it rose in the morning.

There was no such magic when it came to dreams – either in making them come true or stopping them altogether. The anniversary of when we first found Jody Bartuk passed, and my dreams continued. Daddy let me sleep with him on the nights they left me breathless and sweaty. We clung to each other in our shared grief, in our loneliness, not really knowing what we would do the next day.

Like so many things, those dreams didn’t come to an abrupt end. I couldn’t will them to stop, not any more than we can conjure a desired dream world. Slowly they tapered off. A few days of restful, uneventful sleep, and then a few fitful nights. Soon, the rest took over, and my sleep went uninterrupted. After another year, I barely dreamt of her at all. She resided instead in my memory, one of those I kept at first begrudgingly, but in the end willingly, as if she had been a major figure of my childhood, a ghost of a mother, taken too soon.

{See also 1:13, 2:13, & 3:13}

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The Madonna Timeline: Song #90 ~ ‘Love Spent’- Spring 2012

{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle, and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released and/or came to prominence in my mind.}

You had all of me, you wanted more
Would you have married me if I were poor?
Guess if I was your treasury,
You’d have found the time to treasure me…

This stunning song, one of the strongest cuts from last year’s darkly gorgeous ‘MDNA’ album, was wisely added about half-way through the ‘MDNA’ tour, given a stripped-down acoustic makeover that made the scorchingly personal lyrics all the more powerful. In it, Madonna scolds a former paramour (likely Guy Ritchie) about preferring her bank account over her love. On paper it sounds a bit trite and forced – in song, and certainly in that live performance, it becomes so much more.

How come you can’t see, all that you need is right here with me?
Up until the end, all this pretend wasn’t for free…

I don’t know what it’s like to be used for my money (mostly because I’ve never a substantial amount of my own), and I’ve certainly never latched onto someone because they’ve had money either (having never dated a rich boy). But I’m told, and I can understand, that money is one of the biggest causes of break-ups and relationship troubles. (Tell it Suze Orman.) I suppose no one knows that more than Madonna, who reportedly moved into the billionaire’s club recently.

Hold me like your money,
Tell me that you want me
Spend your love on me
Spend your love on me.
Now you have your money
Spend it ’til there’s nothing
Spend your love on me,
Spend your love on me.

It’s hard to work up much empathy for a billionaire, but it does add another layer of complexity to the Madonna mystique. Imagine having that kind of money, the worries and responsibility that goes with being a corporation unto yourself. Sure, she has people who can take care of all of that, but how do you trust all of them? And how do you know if you’re being used? There’s whole other levels of worry, doubt, and dilemmas that grow exponentially as your net worth increases.

If we opened up a joint account,
Would it put an end to all your doubt?
Frankly if my name was Benjamin,
We wouldn’t be in the mess we’re in.
You played with my heart,
Til death do we part,
That’s what you said…

To some, this song might be read as another trifle of self-indulgence, but I don’t see it that way. I don’t hear a rich lady complaining about having too much money, I hear a woman crying out to be loved for herself as much as for her riches. I hear a person’s lament at not being the most important part of their beloved’s life. I hear the plaintive request that the passions a paramour feels include those of their partner. In essence, I hear the hurt of someone who will never be all that their loved one wants.

I want you to take me
Like you took your money
Take me in your arms
Until your last breath
I want you to hold me
Like you hold your money
Hold on to me
Til there’s nothing left

That’s a desperate place to be ~ offering your love but being wanted for something else you possess. Whether it’s money or fame or power, so much of life is simply bits for barter, this for that, and so little is unconditional. This is the sound of one of the richest women in the world begging for something more- something that money can’t buy. It is the currency of love.

Love spent
Really love spent
Yeah, I’m love spent
Wondering where the love went
Love spent
Yeah I’m love spent
Really love spent
Wondering where it all went

I want you to take me like you took your money
Take me In your arms until your last breath
I want you to hold me like you hold your money
Hold me in your arms until there’s nothing left.
Song #90: ‘Love Spent’ – Spring 2012
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Gardener’s Soliloquy

To Garden is to be Alone ~ to be alone and be all right with such solitude. It is a quiet business for the most part. A few scant screeches of the crows and the off-hand chattering of squirrels are the only sounds that break the still air.

There is peace in the garden. In an age of rapid, noisy movement, the garden is the great escape ~ a return to a simpler and somehow more meaningful time, when summers stretched onward forever and winter was the stuff of a few fleeting snowfalls.

A garden provides the sanctity and peace for contemplation. Through the quiet comes clarity, and one can finally hear the inner-voice that is too often subdued. In a seasonal cycle the gardener cannot help but reflect on his or her own life, and in the resounding quietude find answers and understanding.

The garden will not be rushed. It gently but unwaveringly demands patience. Seeds will sprout when and only when they are ready, cuttings will take root in their own time, and flowers will not be coaxed into blooming until their conditions are perfectly met.

On the same token, the garden will not be kept waiting. A laissez-faire attitude and lackadaisical lethargy can be deadly. A missed week of water because of a vacation in high summer will be rewarded with a few dry, dead spots upon one’s return, and neglected patches of dandelions too soon send their parachutes across the entire expanse of the lawn.

These are the lessons of the garden ~ learned and understood in silence and quiet. The art of gardening can reveal the art of living ~ one has only to listen and heed its gentle call.

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Midnight in the Garden

The soft hoot of an owl carries on an invisible breeze. A cricket’s chirp is stilled as I step off the terrace and begin the lengthy walk to the woodland garden. Through the wet recesses of the lawn, my steps proceed gingerly, to hesitate and hear, to ensure and safeguard. It is midnight, and though the moonlight garden beckons with small beacons of ghostly white blossoms, the silence is unsettling. Far behind me I hear the cricket resume his nightly revelry. It is night in the garden ~ and night in the world. Deep, dark unforgiving night unfurls its silky tendrils, twining and holding me close to its dimly beating heart.

There is a dark underside to the garden, a hidden world crawling with slugs and snails, alive with rot and decay, and night is the favored time for furtive fungus and the sudden appearance of a swath of mushrooms. All of this is happening as I treat tentatively into the forested garden. Swallowed immediately by the leafy entrance, I enter the midnight menagerie. A lofty wind is rustling through the tops of trees, creating a lift in the atmosphere and drawing my eyes upward to pitch dark night and the canopy of silver-bottomed foliage. What hovers high above my head? Sleeping birds, busy bats, creatures of the summer night ~ the cricket in the distance continues his summer nocturne as the overhead whooshing suddenly ceases.

An aspect of mystery imbues the garden, as well as plants and trees and nature in general ~ floating seed fluffies, upon which little children make wishes ~ suspended dandelion seeds and flying feathers of milkweed pods floating on the breeze ~ these are the things of fanciful enchantment and childhood dreams. And yet it is not time to drift away… not yet. The moonlight garden of white flowers draws me further into the deep recesses of the forest, damp and dark, but beckoning and calling with its fragrant spicy sweetness. Somewhere in the vicinity Oriental lilies are emitting their seductive perfume, a siren song for their pollinators, while a tangled mass of honeysuckle tires a sleepy wayward bee. Tall spires of white foxglove climb into the night air, their bells drooping delicately and weeping for such beauty as a cloud of baby’s breath spills over its bounds, wafting hazily onto the path and brushing quietly against my foot, the mist of tiny blossoms undulating as I pass.

I have reached the end of the woodland path. The overhead breeze returns, clearing the sky of clouds and revealing the bright July moon once more. The white flowers glow again, illuminating my way back towards the house. The garden has taken me in, subdued and seduced me for a moment of midnight, and as I leave it to its secret nocturnal activities, I am ready to sleep. The leaves close in behind me, the flowers nodding in whispered acquiescence, and the moon smiles sleepily upon all.

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The Battle of a Gardener

There is no such thing as a ‘timid gardener’. A greater oxymoron has never been uttered, for timidity has no place in the gardening world. Ours is a world of ruthless lack of compassion, a place of daily holocaust and ritual destruction.

We sever unruly root balls, callously part parent plant from offspring, and mercilessly behead baby seedlings where we have planted too many. A lone hollyhock that has popped up in the front of the border gets an immediate dismissal and a mottled tulip sport is unceremoniously yanked from its moist spring bed. But it is all in the name of love and evolution.

A good gardener cannot afford timidity. Leave the delicate meandering along garden paths to the visiting tourists. Ignorant of such bloody battles, as well they should be, these folk see simple superficial prettiness ~ not the deep, rich beauty that only the toiling, sweating, bug-beating, back-breaking earth work can produce. The hard-won victory over slugs is something they can never appreciate whilst passing carelessly through the floating blossoms of a Japanese iris. They do not see the endless eradication of weeds that we must carry out daily ~ they are not supposed to see such things.

Gardening is often full of similar strategic subterfuge. The unenlightened masses can nibble on their cucumber sandwiches and daintily sip tea with unsullied hands; I’ll keep my shredded fingernails, with dirt so deeply embedded that no file will ever gouge it all out, and the satisfying ache of fingers spent grasping a cultivating claw for hours on end. Give me soiled knees over perfectly-pressed pants any day.

Ours is a greater satisfaction than that which they will ever come to know. It is the appreciation of the garden as an ever-evolving sculpture of our never-ending toil, the behind-the-scenes brutality of keeping rampant runners in check and declaring genocide on the Japanese beetles. It’s not always a pretty process, but the ends more than justify the means, and more often than not the means are pretty enjoyable too.

The rewards of a true gardener are not easily won. Hours of watering and weeding, pruning and planning, mulching and tending may only result in a tiny delphinium stalk or an unproductive crop of vegetables, where excessive foliage yields hardly any fruit. Grand visions of scaling horticultural heights soon fall flat at the feet of compacted clay soil or a waterless, windy summer drought.

Yet we continue undeterred. The plight of a gardener is sometimes a pretty one, and even our mistakes carry with them the promise of unexpected beauty. A happy accidental pairing of peas and a self-sown foxglove offer one another symbiotic protection and complementary good looks ~ the rabbits avoid the deadly Digitalis and in the proves overlook the delicious veggie platter in their midst. A forgotten, late-to-break specimen is overplanted by a new addition, and the merry mistake turns into a delicately intertwined melody rather than an inharmonious duet.

Such are the tender returns of the gardener’s battle. A sun-dusted head of hair and a weather-beaten brow are our daily combat. It is a valiant but beautiful struggle ~ the battle of a gardener.

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I Love A Little Fussy

One man is trying to change the face of the Albany Food Scene. His name is Daniel and he writes one of the most intelligent and erudite food blogs out there, FUSSYlittleBLOG. For obvious reasons, I can’t help but love a guy who embraces his fussiness. And I’d love to see this year’s Times Union Poll  break out of its mainstream monolithic rut. For the longest time, the same places dominated that list, and in an effort to shake things up, Mr. Fussy has devised a plan to democratically prove that Albany is more than The Olive Garden or The Cheesecake Factory.

He proposes the following choices for the ballot, and if we all take a minute to vote for these spots his theory is that it may make a difference. While part of me has a bit of an issue with voting for places I’ve never tried myself, I do see his point. If we scatter our votes then the same hum-drum places will win year after year as defaults and nothing will ever change. Is it more than a little manipulative? Absolutely. But that’s the democratic process of this country. Until I read a more persuasive argument for any other choices, this will do. (Besides, he has always had impeccable taste.) Here are his recommendations:

Dining (20 Selections)
1.  Best Restaurant to Open in the Past Year – Charles F. Lucas Confectionery & Wine Bar
2. Best Family Restaurant – Jumpin’ Jacks
3. Best Fish Fry – Off Shore Pier
4. Best Hamburger – Max London’s
5. Best Pizza – Defazio’s
6. Best Sandwich Shop – Andy & Son’s
7. Best Chinese/Japanese/Korean – Ala Shanghai
8. Best Indonesian/Thai/Vietnamese – Kinnaree
9. Best Indian/Pakistani – Aashiana
10. Best Mexican/Central/South American – Mr. Pio Pio
11. Best Italian – Cafe Capriccio
12. Best Ice Cream – The Ice Cream Man
13. Best Hot Dog – Famous Lunch
14. Best Sports Bar – Graney’s
15. Best Coffee Joint – Caffe Vero
16. Best Diner – Bob’s Diner
17. Best Barbecue – Capital Q
18. Best Restaurant for Outdoor Dining – Dinosaur Bar-B-Que
19. Best Restaurant for a Romantic Dinner – Lark Street Wine Bar
20. Best Restaurant in the Capital Region – New World Bistro Bar

Foodstuffs (9 Selections)
1.  Best Local Grocery Store – Niskayuna Co-op
2. Best Wine Store – All Star Wine & Spirits
3. Best Beer Store – Hoosick Street Beverage
4. Best Bakery – Mrs. London’s
5. Best Italian Market – Cardona’s
6. Best Ethnic Market (not Italian) – Asian Supermarket
7. Best Farmers Market – Troy Waterfront Farmers Market
8. Best Health Food Store – Healthy Living Market & Cafe
9. Best Standalone Butcher – Roma, Latham

Media (2 Selections)
6. Best Website – All Over Albany
7. Best Local Blog – Daniel Berman http://www.FUSSYlittleBLOG.com

———————————–

Now, those last two choices may seem odd. I mean, this thing you’re reading right now is my own blog. And everything that surrounds it is my own website. By egotistical rights I should be inserting myself into these categories, and once upon a time I would have. But aside from that ‘Best Dressed Man’ nod a number of years ago, I don’t stand a chance in hell winning anything in a Times Union Poll, so I’m lending my support to the above. The world needs more fussiness.

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Plants of Glory

Every gardener has a heroic plant story ~ a tale of some green trooper that survived humble beginnings or ill treatment to become a prized specimen in the garden. They are our unlikely survivors ~ plants that should have been killed by winter weather, unexpected storms, simple neglect or downright abuse, but instead rally and rebound in the face of adversity. In their weathering of obstacles they somehow become more than mere landscape ornaments. Their endurance and perseverance lends them a well-deserved veteran-like status, a decorated soldier that has been to war and won.

I have a certain fondness for these fighters, the bold and brazen plants who have grappled with the odds and overcome them. A certain respect must be given to the lone bulb that blooms out of hundreds that have long-since died out, a choice peony which returns year after year without any fertilization, or the patch of thyme that withstands foot traffic, drought, and an out-of-control lawn mower.

Each year I grant one plant in my garden an imaginary award for ‘Best Comeback’ ~ given out to the individual who has shown a remarkable turnaround in growth and appearance, or has simply put on a grand show without any sort of special treatment. These become the unexpected joys of the garden, and such pleasant surprises are one of the main draws of gardening, one that keeps me coming back for more. This vague hope in the back of my mind is what propels my hands into the soil, my feet down upon a shovel, and my heart hardening at the loss of a delicate delphinium stalk. No matter how traumatic a plant’s passing is, I am reminded by the sight of past leafy generals to keep pressing onward.

One of these is a clump of golden bearded iris that once again bloomed its head off this past year. I purchased the original plant (and a daylily) at a supermarket during my early gardening days. The following year the daylily flowered and multiplied, but the bearded iris did nothing but send up a few small silver-tinged swords. Undaunted, I moved it to a sunnier, drier location, exposing its small rhizomes and sprinkling some bone meal around it, sure of my reward the next year.

Alas, during the next year the plant seemed no happier, the same measly fan of leaves erect but without flower buds. When it came time to re-arrange the bed, I found myself at a loss for space, and so discarded the poorly-performing iris over the bank behind the house, its root-ball rolling to a stop near the bottom of a pile of grass clippings. Sure of its eventual demise, I forgot about the plant until the next summer.

At that time I was puttering around the backyard when something dramatic caught my eye: the architectural spears of a bearded iris, bravely poking through the rubbish behind the house. Without mulch or winter protection or even proper planting, the iris had fought back hard and won, determined to survive, no matter what the location. Such strength won me over, and I returned it to the bed. The next year it became the prize perennial, three spires of beautiful golden blooms burgeoning skyward without staking.

A similar tale of survival is told by the less traumatic journey of a Variegated Solomon’s seal. Planted lovingly in the woodland garden in a rich mixture of loamy, humus-rich soil, certainly the plant would reward me with grand arching sprays of fragrant bell-like flowers and sumptuous foliage. In its partially-shaded location, it was to be the focal point of the woodland garden, but that first year it steadfastly refused to rise to the occasion, content to remain hidden behind the evergreen foliage of a Christmas fern. I watered it generously, hoping to anchor it with deep strong roots from which more than one variegated frond would rise next year. And the next year all I got was the same little frond, with a total of two miniscule flowers.

Newly-impervious to rushing things, I kept it where it was, having gained a modicum of patience since the bearded iris resurrection. Another year passed, and then another, and still the Solomon’s seal refused to yield more than one spindly stalk. Having learned to deal with such disappointments, I simply changed the focus of the woodland garden, relegating the Solomon’s seal to the background, where I promptly forgot about it for a while. At one point I almost pulled it up, wondering how it came to be there in the first place.

Somehow it sensed its brush with death, for the next year (its fifth in the garden) it sent up five majestic stalks ~ each tall and proud and bearing rows of sweetly-smelling flowers, undulating in the wind, and the variegated foliage brightening its dim corner in all its glory. Of course it stole the show that year, much to the chagrin of the foxgloves I had planted during its slow-growing seasons. It is now a gorgeously grand stand, fighting off encroaching lily-of-the-valley with seemingly no effort.

Such comebacks are not limited to the wilderness of the outdoors. Many a gardener houses a number of chlorophyllous troops indoors ~ a scarred cactus that has lasted through three moves, a ponytail palm that almost succumbed to the family cat, or a dusty orchid that suddenly decides to send up an obscenely beautiful magenta bloom in the midst of an extra-punishing winter.

I know two such houseplants ~ a pair of simple spider plants whose brilliance does not in the least betray the punishment they received during an upstate New York winter. Their owner had gone to Florida for a week, leaving the house under the care of a neglectful friend, who had visited only once, and then briefly enough not to notice the twenty-eight degree temperature of the interior. The furnace had shut down, and for at least two days the house was as cold as the outside air of February. All the plants inside turned brown and wilted, before giving up completely.

Convinced that they were beyond repair, the disheartened owner hastily shoved the two spider plants into the basement, forgetting about them for a few months. When spring arrived, the two pots miraculously sported new growth, despite a complete absence of water and light. He brought them out and began to water and feed them, gently nursing them back from beyond the grave. Once restored to light and warmth and water again, the two plants sprang up, stronger than before, finally extending and lowering their little plantlets and tiny white flowers. To this day they thrive, at last at ease with the presence of an emergency thermostat that prevents the house from going below a certain temperature.

Such is the story of many well-worn friends. There is a reverence that these plants delicately demand, a respect which must begrudgingly be given in light of their resolve and determination to survive. They are the champions of the gardening world ~ our tried and true fighters. That which was once the barely-alive underdog seems to shine that much brighter in its unexpected latent glory. Gardening is quite often a bloody battle, and this is a salute to our valiant heroes.

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The Cheesier the Pop Song, The Better

And they don’t come much cheesier than Starship and ‘Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now.’ A perfect slice of 80’s camp, this is from a film called ‘Mannequin’, the plot of which is basically a mannequin coming to life and a man falling in love with her. But if Kim Cattrall is the mannequin, we are all on board. The movie defines ‘cheese’ in the best possible ways, and something in the melody and the trite lyrics spoke to a boy not-so-bravely embarking on his adolescence.

Looking in your eyes, I see a paradise
This world that I found is too good to be true
Standing here beside you, want so much to give you
This love in my heart that I’m feeling for you…

The song peaked at this time of the year (actually hitting #1), and spring is something which makes pop songs more potent. (Maybe not as much as summer, but powerful in other ways – in the release and relief from winter, in the thawing and the awakening of the earth again, in that scent of life being reborn, carried on a warm wind.) Before girls (or boys), I found comfort in the company of friends, hanging out on a weekend in April, itching for the school year to enter its final throes, and seeking out whatever excitement that an eleven-year-old can possibly hope to find. Our concerns were still confined to baseball card trades, sleepovers, and who got to sit where at the movies. Movies like ‘Mannequin’ – which we saw at the Cinema 4 in the Amsterdam Mall – which is where I saw most of the movies of my childhood. (Yes, ‘Cinema 4’ meant there was a whopping total of four theaters.)

We didn’t know or care that there was more out there. Nor did we care about the impossibility of a mannequin coming to life or even the whole notion of falling in love.  There would be time enough for that, and something in me pushed that time far off into the future – I somehow knew it would not be an easy thing for me. But that night, on the sparkling pavement of the upper floor of the mall parking lot, we weren’t looking for love. We were just looking to be kids. The weekend was ahead of us, and we were invincible. Nothing was going to stop us now. Cue the cheesy guitar solo – extra cheese please.

And we can build this dream together
Standing strong forever
Nothing’s gonna stop us now…
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The Growth of a Garden ~ From 2001

Growing up on the twisting Zone 5 border of upstate New York, my most magical moments of childhood occurred in the garden, during our warm, sunny summers. The backyard, considered large for a small town, was bordered by tall, ancient pines, great oaks, and middle-aged maples that grappled with one another for sky space. This forested area extended down a steep embankment, where I played as a little boy.

Dad had two vegetable gardens then ~ one in the partially-shaded edge of the woods, where he somehow managed to keep us fully stocked with zucchini summer-round, and a raised bed in full sun, which filled the garage window-sill with ripening tomatoes, and also produced beans, peppers, and the occasional eggplant.

I remember sitting on the lawn as he worked the ground – hoeing and tilling and throwing out random rocks. My brother and I were welcomed to break down any big chunks of compacted soil, and I can still feel the way those balls of earth crumbled to a satisfying, feathery powder between my small grinding hands. It was fun to pulverize the dirt like that, unless it was windy – then a surprise gust might throw the falling particles back in my eyes. These were the great inconveniences of the moment; bugs, heat, and boredom would not bother me until years later.

As Dad finished his vegetable planting ~ the last tomato plant buried sideways up to its neck ~ he closed the self-made fencing. This was a five-foot-high wall of metal netting, held up by steel stakes at various intervals and meant to deter rabbits and other herbivores from feasting on our family’s summer crop. Despite its seemingly frail construction (my brother and I bounced against it like it was a vertical trampoline) it worked: we never lost one tomato or bean.

The vegetable plot neatly planted and watered, my attention turned elsewhere when the pool was opened. Splashing the mid-day away as Mom sat by reading a book, I made brief excursions to the cool shady edge of the woodland, where a semi-wild patch of rhubarb and bleeding hearts made an unlikely, yet happy, marriage.

The delicate hearts on drooping stems were little gifts I presented to my Mom with a dramatic bow. Bleeding hearts and rhubarb may sound like an off-match, but it was improbably pleasant ~ the graceful, arching sprays of the quietly-colored bleeding heart and its dainty deeply-cut fern-like foliage was a striking complement to the grand darkly-ruffled umbrella-shaped leaves and thick, deep-maroon stems of the rustic rhubarb.

Mom made rhubarb pie with the harvested stems, and to this day I do not understand how the stems can be edible when the leaves are so poisonous. I didn’t take the chance; rhubarb was never a favorite of mine. I waited until the zucchinis grew long and plump, and Mom made zucchini bread – the shredded squash taking on entirely new meaning as it melted sweetly in my mouth, warm from the oven and completely transformed in its tantalizing mixture of sugars and spices.

After dinners of homegrown vegetables, BLTs, and barbecued burgers, I strolled the path in front of our house. Two rigid, brick-lined borders framed the front entrance, backed by twin euonymous hedges. Rather than conforming to the strict structure suggested by the layout, these beds instead ran riotously free from any proposed order ~ wave upon colorful wave of simply silly annual chaos broke freely onto the brick path.

My favorites were the snapdragons ~ so impossibly sweet of fragrance and so inviting with their velvety tufted lips, that I had to force myself not to eat one. A crazy range of petunias offered another creative outlet ~ I loved dead-heading them, how neatly and easily did they offer spent blooms for clean-up. Marigolds grew freely there as well ~ small bushy clumps of burgundy and orange colliding with tall pom-poms of golden yellow exploding garishly and mimicking the brilliance of the summer sun. As the late-afternoon rays slanted through the colorful bombardment, I walked leisurely along the borders, an ice cream cone melting in one hand and a small haphazard bouquet in the other. These were happy days ~ fleeting days ~ of carefree youth and garden mysticism.

As evening fell, and my childhood dissolved, the gardens seemed to lose their magic. Year after year, the plants seemed less vibrant, less enchanting. I didn’t know then that it wasn’t the garden, it was me. I saw only the dissipating mists of happy illusion, and the dim reality of the world closing in on a little boy’s garden. Insects became an unbearable nuisance, the hot days and beating sun lost their brilliant charm, and the harsh winters killed the vivid annuals and my innocent impressions.

The watering and weeding grew tiresome, the arriving boxes of bulbs became an ugly added chore, put off until the last possible moment when the earth was brutally cold and the first flicker of flurries floated down. I couldn’t see then the imminent arrival of spring, and the new beginning afforded every year.

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Words from 2001

Back over a dozen years ago, I put out a Project entitled ‘Words of a Gardener’. It was conceived and hatched that winter, as I was finding my way back into gardening. As a written work, it didn’t get the reaction that some of my photo-centric works did, but it remains a favorite of mine. In the revamping of this site, some things had to be excised and left out, and this was, sadly, one of them. I may put it up again in some form, but for now I’m just going to post an excerpt a day from it on the blog. Partly because I’m busy (or lazy, it’s a fine line) and partly because I am simply fiending for a taste of spring and this is the closest thing I can find. Here’s the first story:

A Gardener Returns To His Roots

Somewhere along the rocky path to adulthood I lost my garden. As a young boy, I had an odd passion for gardening. I say odd because at the age of ten I could find no other comrade who shared my intimate interest and knowledge of plants and flowers. Devouring books and seed catalogs during the winter months, I trained and nurtured myself into a horticultural expert. During the springs and summers of our Zone 5 climate, I’d put my mental practices into effect, subtly drawing forth a perennial bed from Dad’s old vegetable plot and laying claim to a wooded portion of our backyard with a woodland shade garden.

The backyard border, long a place for Mom’s rhubarb, Dad’s zucchini, and a riotous selection of garish marigolds and vulgar-red salvia, was overtaken by my enthusiasm as well. It too transformed gently into a perennial bed ~ tall spires of foxglove provided a perfect transition from the woodland garden to the bed, as bursts of Helianthus shot skyward, Echinops captured the sky in its pincushions, and Monarda crept stealthily onward.

In the last few years of childhood, my gardening experience had surpassed that of my parents and the local nursery-owner. Such knowledge set me apart from most people my age, but I didn’t care ~ the garden was a place of peace for me, a safe escape when worldly concerns, like pesky purple bugleweed in the lawn, threatened to encroach on an ever-receding childhood.

Back then, the plants were my friends and playmates, and I took their health and happiness to heart. Each successful planting was a triumph, each failure a personal affront. When plants thrived and multiplied, my heart soared; when they refused to grow, or, worse, died, I took it as an attack on my very hope for the future. I was a young boy then, and the garden was teaching me about life in a way that my schoolmates would not understand until years later, if they would ever understand at all.

The shifting of seasons and the gentle onward march of time were incontrovertible aspects of gardening. Neither can be fooled or changed much, and the gardener, despite one’s best efforts, is never completely in control. Most little boys don’t care about such matters. Rain or shine they will find a way outside, impatient and implacable in their demands. I learned that the best way to get something to grow was with care and coaxing, a gentle tug in the direction you’d like things to go, and if that didn’t work, then try something else.

When bearded irises found my soil too rich and moist, I offered the spot to their distant Siberian and Japanese relatives, who happily bloomed and multiplied in their new home. As a tree peony leaned a full forty-five degrees out of the shade of an evergreen, I moved it to its own spot in full-sun, only to have it punish me for my mistake by dying. A rabbit’s quick work of a lovingly-tended patch of Lilium had to be replaced by the less scrumptious daylily. These were the ways of the garden, the ways of the world, and I was lucky to learn them then.

I saw firsthand how back-aching work was always rewarded, somehow. The last-minute scrambling to get spring bulbs planted on Columbus Day (my one day off from school in the fall) was a bothersome moment of chagrin until I saw my handiwork poke through the last vestiges of dirty snow. A strict regime of watering during dry spells brought the ostrich ferns back stronger every year, their black elongated creepers naturalizing beyond the woodland garden and into the unworked area of our backyard forest. The lessons of life were being instilled as I weeded and mulched and dead-headed. A garden, like a person, can be both unforgiving and merciful. It will refuse to yield in some circumstances, bend and sway under others. In the garden I learned about nature, human and otherwise.

With the onslaught of adolescence, I lost my interest in the garden, and for a few years lost a bit of myself. The gardens were under the care of my parents, who did the best they could, but never quite understood when to divide or when to cut back. When I returned home for summers and holidays, I saw the overgrown garden and felt a gentle, dull ache ~ a surprise feeling of guilt. I had abandoned my old friend, and in my absence the most sensitive parts ~ the Delphiniums, the lilies, the clematis ~ had been overtaken by their rougher, rowdier neighbors ~ the Malva, the Rudbeckia, the Monarda. These were colorful, pretty, proven performers, but they overwhelmed the place with their imposing power and lack of grace.

At the time, I didn’t have the effort to fight. The seemingly fanciful garden days of my youth gave way to more pressing concerns. But I didn’t forget entirely. Like a pocket of collected seeds, something had been locked away inside of me, waiting for the ideal conditions to germinate and spring back to life. It took a few years, but eventually the subtle call of the garden became a full-fledged beckoning cry, and I heeded the voice from which I had learned so much.

During the last year I returned to the magic and wonder of the garden ~ the garden in my mind, and the garden in my backyard. I have rediscovered its simple joys, its ever-unfolding enchantment, and its magical way of imparting worldly knowledge. The vigorous, rampant growth of undesirables has been checked, and the more delicate and sensitive plants have been carefully cultivated. It is as an ongoing process, always evolving, always challenging, but for the moment I have returned, a grown man who somehow found his way back to the garden.

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The Weekly Recap All Over Again

And so we close, and open, another week. Without much change, without much excitement. We’ve been here before, and we’ll likely be here again. Is there the beauty of reassurance in that, and is there beauty in such reassurance? I do not know. I only know what I do, and lately it is the same. The routine. There is something deadening about that. Here is a prayer that we will survive together. Onto the past…

It was a week that saw the silliness and assault of April Fool’s Day, where Ben Cohen’s full-frontal naked shot was just as likely as mine.

Our virgin trip to Boston Chops more than met our expectations, actually surpassing them, and for those who don’t eat meat… you’re missing out.

Aside from a flurry of FaceBook photos from the way-back-when, I also waxed nostalgic for my very first date with a guy. And I was only 14 years old.

A few years later, but more than a few from today, another happy memory was born.

Most of the Hunks of the Day flew under the radar, but are worth a second look, like James Ellington, Matt Targett, and Chris Davis, but the bulge of Jon Hamm was quite noticeable.

And Bon Jovi continued to supply a jumping off point for more memories of my youth.

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The Ultimate Inspiration

Whenever I’m feeling down or dejected, unsure or unsteady, I play this performance by Madonna, and I feel a little bit better. I put on the wardrobe for the day, I march into wherever I’m supposed to be, and I rock it like a star. This was Madonna’s Oscar performance of ‘Sooner or Later’, and it never fails to move me.

Here was a woman playing to a less-than-embracing audience (the Academy has never liked her, let’s be frank), and in the face of such veiled hostility she comes through like a champ. If you’ve never been disliked, you can’t know how difficult this must have been. If you’ve never been the target of rumors or gossip or simple talk, you can’t know the loneliness. And if you’ve never walked into a room full of people watching and whispering, you cannot know the immense fortitude something like this takes. I have luckily never had to face such a firing squad – not in this sort of arena – and thank the Lord. But I do know what it’s like to be talked about, to be judged, to be watched and rendered all sorts of things you never were. And that’s why I love this.

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