Alan Ilagan

The other night I did something I only do about twice a year – I cried. Anyone who knows me knows I’m not big on crying. There are some who let it out daily, a little at a time, and those who do it every few weeks – I keep it bottled up and then the smallest thing will trigger a disproportionate flood of tears that brings up everything that’s ever upset me, building on itself until I’m a sobbing mess crumpled on the floor and hiding from Andy. (I don’t cry in front of people.)

This one snuck up on me. We had just returned from a fun party, and I sat down in the dining room and looked over some photos of my Gram. Many were from Christmases past, with family and extended family and friends, and I thought back to those days, returning to my childhood and wishing I could be there again.

I cried because I missed my Gram. I cried for everyone we lost – Suzie’s Dad, Andy’s Mom, Uncle Roberto, Aunt Luz… I cried for how hard it was to be gay sometimes, I cried for feeling alone no matter how many people were around me, I cried for the realization that my impending marriage would not be absolutely perfect, I cried for the way life batters us all and yet how we still fight on, trying to be better, striving against the constant pummeling, the incessant apathy or the senseless cruelty.

And then I cried happier tears – that I had such a good man for a fiance, that Suzie had Oona, that I was still close to my parents and brother, that we would be together for another Christmas, that there are still people in this world who care, who have not given up, and won’t ever give up. I cried for all of it – all of the little things that make up one man’s life – how singularly specific and spectacularly universal.

Eventually I picked myself up off the floor, dropping a final tissue into the pile on the guest room bureau. I crossed the hallway into our bedroom and got into bed, hugging a cherished stuffed bear close to me - a gift from Andy many Valentine’s Days ago – and went soundly to sleep.

I should be all right for a few months now.