A close friend recently asked me if this cowboy look and theme was a phase, and if it would be done in a few weeks or months – and I knew exactly what she meant. It was a question I’d already posed loosely in my mind, but had shut out as soon as it required some deeper thought, so when she asked I was slightly flummoxed, being without a ready answer. I genuinely don’t know, and it’s been rattling my brain ever since my niece looked me up and down and asked how long ‘this’ was going to last. (My response to her had been to gesture over her entire ensemble – Sunday morning pajamas and ridiculous slippers – and ask, “How long is THAT going to last?” prompting a giggle from my brother.) These kids are slow to learn.
For all my varying interests, shifting looks and reinventions, there’s always been something authentically Alan to each of them, some kernel of underlying truth to every image or project. Otherwise I wouldn’t have bothered. The cowboy motif speaks to me on such a deeper level, and somehow the clothes and boots and hats make me feel more like myself than sequins and feathers at the moment. That said, even I wonder how much is just a mask and character behind which to hide and figure out my next move in private.
The cowboy represents the wilder side of me that has been trying to get out since I was a scared kid – and at 51, perhaps far later than others, I finally feel free enough to let him loose. It’s one step closer to reconciling my inner-self with the outer image that has been leading the charge all these years. That it is the cowboy doing all of this now has me slightly conflicted, at least until I see how much of this lasts – it seems to be integrating into my life in very natural and easy ways, even as people act surprised and incredulous and slightly suspicious.
I can dispatch the cowboy to do my work but it’s still somehow me doing the work. My hats and boots don’t feel like a pose – they feel like an extension of myself – more so than many of the outlandish outfits I’ve worn over the years. Will this last beyond the fall and winter? We’ll see when we get beyond the fall and winter…
