The Magnificence of Marimekko

Marimekko is about living, not pretending. Marimekko is about understanding and accepting the beauty of life just as we encounter it every day.” ~ Mika Ihamuotila

This is the time of the year when I start shaking the cobwebs out of my head, and my home, and look toward the coming of Spring. There is no happier time, and no happier place, for me to be in the next few months than in the bedroom of our Boston place, around the two to three PM hours when the sun is slanting deeply through the slatted blinds of the Bay Window, and the curtains are parted to let in a new breeze. Every year, I try to do something to freshen the palette of the place – a new piece of furniture, a new group of towels, a fresh coat of paint. At its most basic, it’s just another variation on Spring cleaning. And the time to prepare is now.

This year, I have my sight set on a new bed set, to go along with our new bed. We’ve been using the same Calvin Klein Bamboo bedding since 1998 – and while it’s a classic, it’s time for something new. For some time, I’ve been flirting rather violently with the Marimekko bedding line at Crate & Barrel. Part of me – the very heart of my most intrinsic instincts – was instantly drawn to the bold colors, their courageous juxtaposition, and the almost-childlike strokes of abstract design. The other part of me – the more pragmatic, thoughtful, quiet side that refuses to give in to a trendy look that will be annoying and out of style a scant year later – has always had an issue with the line. Over the past few years, however, I’ve found both parts come together to meet in a happy middle. (It’s also been long enough to know whether or not I would tire of it, and I haven’t – if anything, my initial amusement and delight with it has only grown and deepened into something more – which is the best way to tell whether or not you can live with something for a while.)

On my last trip to Crate & Barrel, I saw the above bedding set, named ‘Lumimarja Celery‘. It perfectly captures the spirit of the bedroom in the earliest of Spring – light, airy, fresh, and slightly whimsical. (“Lumimarja” translates to ‘snowberry’, the inside of which looks like a snowflake – a fitting bridge between Winter and Spring, lending it a year-round usefulness. I remember the snowberry bushes in the side-yard of my childhood home, and picking their fruit on summer days by the pool.) This set retains the touches of nature that were such an important part of the previous duvet, but brings it to a different plane, both in its abstraction, and its punch of bright green color. As fortune would have it, the color of the trunk and branches is almost an exact match to the silk headboard already in place, so the signs have once again aligned, as they tend to do when you’re on the right track in matters of design.

To add another accent, and prevent things from getting too matchy-matchy (the death-knell for so many bedding collections) I also found this Azure line, from which I intend to cull a few pillows so as not to forsake all bits of blue from the bedroom. They have a nice linen aspect to their shams, giving another texture, as well as color, to the bed.

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Naked Flight

We’re so hard, aren’t we, on people who are given everything? If you’d been given everything, you mightn’t have wandered very far from the pool deck, though perhaps you wouldn’t have spent quite so much time in the direct sun. It’s as if, when someone has it all, we demand that he be tormented by some pointless ambition for more. Here he is, rich and handsome, beating off women with a stick, and he’s supposed to go have adventures, try himself somehow, scour the earth for some unhappiness. ~ Mark Merlis, An Arrow’s Flight

Maybe they really were lovers, maybe this at last was what the word meant: your lover was the one you had to shelter from the worst things you knew about yourself. Yes, this had to be it, the hot shame and, somewhere beneath it, a strange, hopeless sort of jubilation. ~ Mark Merlis, An Arrow’s Flight

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Flight of an Arrow

Maybe it wasn’t ever easy being a man, but it was surely easier when what you were to wear, whether armor or the loincloth of a slave, was handed to you off the rack at birth, along with what you were expected to feel and do. ~ Mark Merlis, An Arrow’s Flight

He had allowed men to love him; he had never induced it.

Really, never at all? Not the way he had dressed, or the attitudes he had struck when he had sensed that an attitude was desired? All right, he was practiced in making himself lovable. Men didn’t just happen upon him in a state of nature and fall head over heels. Still, it was one thing to put forth your little generic flower of masculinity and wait for some bee to come suck it, and quite another to set your sights on one particular bee. ~ Mark Merlis, An Arrow’s Flight

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One Night Only

Absence is one of the most useful ingredients of family life, and to do it rightly is an art like any other. ~ Freya Stark

As I write this, I have returned a day early from an ill-fated trip to Boston with my brother. One day I’ll write about what all went down, or maybe I won’t – that’s one of the hazards of having a writer in the family – writers don’t forget. For now, it will suffice that I’m back home, and the next time I go to Boston it will be alone or with Andy. The unfortunate thing about family, especially for a control freak, is that you have no choice or say in the matter, and that goes both ways – I am certain none of these people would have chosen me either. After years of trying to reconcile this, after years of fighting against it and trying every conceivable way in the world to make something work, to make myself the slightest bit lovable, it’s time to move on.

For his noble efforts in picking me up (and beating the storm), I bought a bouquet of pink hyacinths for Andy. When the family that God grants us disappoints or doesn’t care, we have to create our own. Over the past twenty years, I have unwittingly done that, and, as witnessed on nights like the last, they have never let me down. It’s a strange thing when the ones who are supposed to love you simply don’t – or can’t – and it creates all sorts of fucked-up ailments and afflictions that in turn tend to drive people even further away. Luckily, there has always been someone else to step in, to see through the hurt, to forge ahead into the heart because they knew there was love to be found. And when there’s no familial bond keeping them there, when you see they are there in your life because they want to be, and you don’t have to keep asking and begging and making all the effort yourself, they are all the more dear.

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Waiting & Wanting for Spring

I didn’t feel it until this week: the antsy anticipation for spring to arrive. Up until now I’d been keeping my head down and shuffling along, bundled up and trudging through the endless unfurling of winter, in the hopes that when I looked up again spring would be on the horizon. I looked up too soon. We’re nowhere near it. The frigid temperatures, the wind, and the snow and sleet are instead indicative of a winter not content to take flight anytime soon. This refusal to yield has proven problematic in the past. Usually it results in some last-ditch-effort at sanity-retrieval in the form of a trip South. I am looking into it as I write this, because there is nothing here that appeals to me.

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Oh What A Circus

Oh what a show!

It’s quite a Sunset

But who is this Santa Evita?

Why all this howling, hysterical sorrow?

What kind of Goddess has lived among us?

 

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Take My Hand, We’ll Make It I Swear

The year was 1987.

The hair was big.

The jeans were ripped.

And we were all just living on a prayer.

The Ilagan household had just gotten their first taste of cable on a television that you didn’t need to change channels manually (about five years after all the other kids had it). Say what you will about being the son of a doctor – there were hardships and lessons too. As kids, we didn’t always notice this, but the absence of MTV was a social stigma, leaving us to pretend we knew what everyone at school was talking about, faking our way through the minefields of peer-pressure and not wanting to be left out of the loop. I was pretty upfront about my ignorance, rapping along with the kids who sang Run DMC, only I was saying, “You be L.A.” instead of “You be illin’.” No one seemed to notice. That’s the thing about pretending – sometimes, if you’re really good at it, it becomes truth, and the knowledge that you never had, but that they think you possess, turns into currency, and respect. Even if it’s built on a lie, on a fucked-up lyric taken as slang.

We’ve got to hold on to what we’ve got
‘Cause it doesn’t make a difference
If we make it or not
We’ve got each other and that’s a lot
For love – we’ll give it a shot

   Whoah, we’re half way there
   Livin’ on a prayer
   Take my hand and we’ll make it – I swear
   Livin’ on a prayer

This was the time of the school year when the kids started getting crazy with homebound restlessness, and my squirrelly self was no exception. I watched this video with rapt wonder – not exactly a fan of the style (frizzed-out perms were never for me, nor should they be for anyone) – but more for the anthemic quality of wanting to fly beyond the small-town childhood so many of us longed to leave, soaring above like Jon did on stage. I wanted to take flight in such a manner, lift off the ground, see it grow small beneath my weightless feet. Propelled by a wish and a prayer…

 

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Bed Clothes

You sure are pretty
When you’re putting the damage on
Yes
When you’re putting the damage on

You’re just so pretty
When you’re putting the damage on

 

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Sprawled Naked

“The body in the mirror forces me to turn and face it. And I look at my body, which is under sentence of death. It is lean, hard, and cold, the incarnation of a mystery. And I do not know what moves in this body, what this body is searching. It is trapped in my mirror as it is trapped in time and it hurries toward revelation….” ~ James Baldwin, Giovanni’s Room

“I long to make this prophecy come true. I long to crack that mirror and be free. I look at my sex, my troubling sex, and wonder how it can be redeemed, how I can save it from the knife. The journey to the grave is already begun, the journey to corruption is, always, already, half over. Yet, the key to my salvation, which cannot save my body, is hidden in my flesh.” ~ James Baldwin, Giovanni’s Room

“Then the door is before him. There is darkness all around him, there is silence in him. Then the door opens and he stands alone, the whole world falling away from him. And the brief corner of the sky seems to be shrieking, though he does not hear a sound. Then the earth tilts, he is thrown forward on his face in darkness, and his journey begins.” ~ James Baldwin, Giovanni’s Room

“I move at last from the mirror and begin to cover that nakedness which I must hold sacred, though it be ever so vile, which must be scoured perpetually with the salt of my life. I must believe, I must believe, that the heavy grace of God, which has brought me to this place, is all that can carry me out of it.” ~ James Baldwin, Giovanni’s Room

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Unpacking, Undressing

“For I am – or I was – one of those people who pride themselves on their willpower, on their ability to make a decision and carry it through. This virtue, like most virtues, is ambiguity itself. People who believe that they are strong-willed and the masters of their destiny can only continue to believe this by becoming specialists in self-deception. Their decisions are not really decisions at all – a real decision makes one humble, one knows that it is at the mercy of more things than can be named – but elaborate systems of evasion, of illusion, designed to make themselves and the world appear to be what they and the world are not.” ~ James Baldwin, Giovanni’s Room

“What happened was that, all unconscious of what this ennui meant, I wearied of the motion, wearied of the joyless seas of alcohol, wearied of the blunt, bluff, hearty, and totally meaningless friendships, wearied of wandering through the forests of desperate women, wearied of the work, which fed me only in the most brutally literal sense. Perhaps, as we say in America, I wanted to find myself. This is an interesting phrase, not current as far as I know in the language of any other people, which certainly does not mean what it says but betrays a nagging suspicion that something has been misplaced. I think now that if I had had any intimation that the self I was going to find would turn out to be only the same self from which I had spent so much time in flight, I would have stayed at home. But, again, I think I knew, at the very bottom of my heart, exactly what I was doing…” ~ James Baldwin, Giovanni’s Room

“He made me think of home – perhaps home is not a place but simply an irrevocable condition.” ~ James Baldwin, Giovanni’s Room

 

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A Room in Boston, In Underwear

The scarcity of narrative forces the viewer to fill-in-the-blanks. Like a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure story (which I always hated – why make the reader write the book? And which ending is the definitive ending? What really happened??) in its infuriatingly obtuse and abstract construct, it offers hints and nudges, but no real directive. If you’re looking for answers here, you will come away disappointed. The essence of tease and release, the game at its most obstinate and inane. I would feel worse about it were there not other demons with which to duel. Confined by the frames and threatened ever by the cropping, it is a claustrophobic place to reside. It is, by my own design, a trap. A cage with the illusion of freedom, and plumage that grows more faded with the passing of time. This story is yours. Write it as you would have it written. Or better yet, listen to the words of James Baldwin:

“Now, from this night, from this coming morning, no matter how many beds I find myself in between now and my final bed, I shall never be able to have any more of those boyish, zestful affairs – which are, really, when one thinks of it, a kind of higher, or, anyway, more pretentious masturbation. People are too various to be treated so lightly. I am too various to be trusted.”

“Then, perhaps, life only offers the choice of remembering the garden or forgetting it. Either, or: it takes strength to remember, it takes another kind of strength to forget, it takes a hero to do both. People who remember court madness through pain, the pain of the perpetually recurring death of their innocence; people who forget court another kind of madness, the madness of the denial of pain and the hatred of innocence; and the world is mostly divided between madmen who remember and madmen who forget. Heroes are rare.”

“Confusion is a luxury which only the very, very young can possibly afford and you are not that young anymore.”

“He looked at me and I saw in his face again something which I have fleetingly seen there during these hours: under his beauty and his bravado, terror, and a terrible desire to please; dreadfully, dreadfully moving, and it made me want, in anguish, to reach out and comfort him.”

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A Pocket of Solitude While Awaiting A New Bed

Waiting for a furniture delivery is, strangely enough, one of my favorite things to do. It sounds odd, as waiting is, for most people, an annoyance. In the same way I enjoy waiting around an airport, or waiting for the arrival of an old friend, I find comfort in the anticipation, in the hours before. It’s also the only way to get me to stay put for any duration of time, and unlike, say, my brother, I don’t have a problem with sitting still. For our recent bed delivery to Boston, I was given a window from 12 to 4 PM on a Friday afternoon. I arrived by eleven, stripped the bed, did some dusting, and was ready by 11:07, well before the first possible moment they might even arrive. But no matter, as there was half a book left to read, two stories to finish writing, and a new television with a DVD player on which to watch movies (I could not, nor did I care to, figure out how to connect the cable). My only regret was that it was a sunny, gorgeous day outside (which I would miss for the rest of the weekend) but at the time it seemed like it would go on and on, and I simply enjoyed the sun inside the condo, like a cat on a sun-drenched carpet.

I made myself an egg sandwich, and put on a pot of tea ~ Spicy Ginger. I measured some of the walls in the bathroom for new mirrors. There are always improvements to be made, but we are much further along than we were when I allowed my parents to take over the bulk of decorating (sorry, Mom). It will soon be time to paint the bedroom and replace the dated blinds, but for now this will suffice. I toyed with the idea of turning on some music, and half-heartedly flipped through a few radio stations, but soon shut it off. The quiet of solitude is a luxury I’m not often afforded. I wanted to enjoy this.

At noon, I laid down on the couch, returning to where I left off in ‘The Marriage Plot’ by Jeffrey Eugenides. The previous week of running around caught up with me quickly, and after only a few more pages I slipped into a nap, which only lasted about twenty minutes. It would be too good to be true to have them deliver this early in the allotted time-frame, but I still hoped, pacing the floor and periodically looking down the street for a delivery truck. The next three hours passed in much the same unremarkable manner, the sun slowly shifting through the bedroom window, lengthening along the hardwood floor.

Around 3:30 PM, the call arrived that they were down the street and bringing the bed in. I opened the front door and welcomed the two delivery men. (Any fantasy of hot, sexy, sweaty delivery men marching up to my bedroom was promptly destroyed by the reality of the situation, most notably the smell of the two guys, who certainly had the ‘sweaty’ part covered, but that was about it.) After some hesitation, they managed to maneuver the queen bed up the flight of stairs and around the tricky corner, and removed the old one (minus the frame – does anyone need a full frame? It seems to be welded into one piece, otherwise I’d have dissembled it and brought it home.) It was tough, unenviable work, and I gave them each a $20 bill for their troubles, particularly since I didn’t lift a finger to help (the smell was honestly just too much).

By 4:00 they had finished up. I made the bed, which filled the space perfectly, expanding to encompass the tufted head-board at last. I allowed myself one brief moment on it, wanting to save the big event until the evening. I was due to have dinner with my friend Alissa, so I poured myself a high-ball while savoring the silence.

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A Song for Travel

In the midnight hour of my last night in Boston – a night I was never intending to spend in that fine city – a song is played, and it’s the perfect song portending travel. It is a song from my childhood (I was raised on Peter, Paul, and Mary – and they would be the first band whose concerts I would attend, thanks to my Mom.) It’s ‘Leaving on a Jet Plane’, the meaning, scope, and emotion of which I could not access as a kid, so it didn’t become a favorite until many years later, when I was old enough to appreciate, to know, to understand. Part of me wishes I didn’t like it so well, that I didn’t know so much, but there’s no way to unlearn heartache. Besides, the beauty of this song more than makes up for it.

All my bags are packed I’m ready to go
I’m standin’ here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin’ it’s early morn
The taxi’s waitin’ he’s blowin’ his horn
Already I’m so lonesome I could cry…
So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you’ll wait for me
Hold me like you’ll never let me go
Cause I’m leavin’ on a jet plane
Don’t know when I’ll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go…

Most people, myself included, don’t enjoy saying good-bye. Mine are usually curt and quick, and it’s one of the only times when I’m truly glad to give a hug. You never know. You just never know… I try not to look back, I hate the good-bye wave, and if I could get away without saying anything and seeming rude, I would attempt it. Why prolong the sadness?

There’s so many times I’ve let you down
So many times I’ve played around
I tell you now, they don’t mean a thing
Every place I go, I’ll think of you
Every song I sing, I’ll sing for you
When I come back, I’ll wear your wedding ring
So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you’ll wait for me
Hold me like you’ll never let me go
Cause I’m leavin’ on a jet plane
Don’t know when I’ll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go…

Oddly enough, I don’t recall this song playing a part whenever I left a paramour. It only resonated with friends and family, the people who have remained in my life through the years, and in leaving them I left the ones who knew me best, who knew me at all, and perhaps that’s why it was always sadder.

Now the time has come to leave you
One more time let me kiss you
Close your eyes I’ll be on my way
Dream about the days to come
When I won’t have to leave alone
About the time, I won’t have to say
So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you’ll wait for me
Hold me like you’ll never let me go
Cause I’m leavin’ on a jet plane
Don’t know when I’ll be back again
Oh baby, I hate to go…
Cause I’m leavin’ on a jet plane
Don’t know when I’ll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go.

 

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Tom Ford, Naked (With Tan Lines)

Andy was kind enough to give me the gift of fragrance for Valentine’s Day, and I narrowed my selection down to two of Tom Ford‘s Private Blend scents: Ombre de Hyacinth and Oud Wood. This past weekend in Boston I made the final decision, and chose the Oud Wood, filling in the seasonal fragrance gap I’ve had in Mr. Ford’s line.

Here are the Private Blends I currently have, and when I like to wear them, more or less:

  • Arabian Night ~ September
  • Amber Absolute ~ October
  • Japon Noir ~ November
  • Santal Blush ~ December/Holidays
  • Oud Wood ~ February/March
  • Neroli Portofino ~ May/June/July
  • Lavender Palm ~ July/August

Obviously there is bound to be some overlapping, and these are not strict guidelines, just general ones, as my cologne choices tend to be dictated by weather and season more than name. Additionally, the beauty of the Private Blends is that many are designed to work well in combination with each other, and it is the only cologne line that I’ve found in which this is true. (I’ve never mixed or matched anything else because it gets overpowering – which is sometimes the over-the-top point of Mr. Ford.)

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