According to the harried-and-not-so-helpful guy at Verizon, my phone contract expired in this past March, so I am (and apparently have been for a few months) a phone free agent. It is an enviable position for many, less so for those of us who couldn’t give two shits about a phone.
I make about thirty minutes of calls a month. That’s right, a month – without exaggeration (and I’m usually drunk when I do call anyone, so they more often than not hang up on me immediately). I never text and don’t even know how. There was one time when my butt must have inadvertently attempted to access some feature that cost extra, so I had everything but the phone part of it taken off of my contract. Here’s how that exchange went:
Verizon: “You accessed our such-and-such application for nine seconds on November 12 and typed out the following message: “cvnsdfhvka”.”
Me: “Umm, how many other times did I access this feature?”
Verizon: “Let me check… it looks like that was the only time.”
Me: “So does it sound like I was really trying to use it, or even had the slightest clue as to how to use it?”
Verizon: “Well, I don’t know.”
Me: “Okay, let’s just remove that from the bill this time, and can you child-proof whatever that was so it doesn’t accidentally happen again? Thanks!”
They were good enough to not charge me, but if my butt had done anything for longer than nine seconds I would have had to pay for it, I’m sure.
{Obligatory and gratuitous shot of what almost cost me a couple of cents.}
I’m slightly at a loss as to what to do with the phone upgrade now. The last phone I really wanted was the Dolce & Gabbana Gold Razor, which again points out how far out of the phone loop I really am. The other one that caught my eye is the iPhone, though to be honest for someone like me I’m afraid it would be a colossal waste. Still, the idea of having internet access while traveling is a big draw, and a number of friends whom I respect have said an iPhone is the best part of their lives (I no longer respect them so much).
Some have said that a Blackberry would offer the same things that I’d use an iPhone for, minus the sleek style, though I lack the Lilliputian build to utilize those microscopic keyboards. To that end, I began looking into an iPad for its more human dimensions regarding keyboard options, which is about as far as one can get from my current cheap (free) phone from Verizon.
That’s where I’m at right now – uncomfortably and uncharacteristically undecided, and on the fence for phone options. Luckily the limbo can last from month to month, as opposed to being locked into a two-year contract, so for the moment there is respite and breathing room there, but also the danger of having too much time for too many options and far too much head spinning for an already-spun-out head.
The number one thing I like about the relationship I have with my phone is that it’s nonexistent. Part of me is afraid that if I get one of those all-encompassing iPhones I’ll turn into one of the pod people, eyes down at their palm-held devices, unable to follow a conversation or maintain eye contact or share a dinner without checking what the rest of the world is doing, and that’s something I vowed to never become. One of the main things I’ve learned in life is how important it is to be fully and wholly present, not just out of respect to those around us, but to make the most of life for ourselves. It is, I fear, a lost art, and I’m not sure I want to risk losing it myself.
