Summer thunder rumbles somewhere to the East, while a multitude of the lightest taps sound on the roof above me. Lying on the bed in the attic, I attempt to read a few pages from my book, but the sound of a summer storm is always the most conducive to falling swiftly asleep, and on this late afternoon I allow it to happen. I’m in a melancholy mood, and sleep feels like the best way to work through it, especially when all the world is able to do is rain.
When I would get depressed in college I would find solace in sleep – not in a dangerous, wish-my-life-would-end way, but in a resigned, resolute, and determined decision to lose consciousness in the name of brief relief. It afforded me just enough peace to keep going, to get through my studies, to greet another day. Right when I was about to slip into a total state of despondency, things would look up, my mood would shift, and I’d be back to myself. No pills, no therapy, no magic. On this afternoon, as sky bleeds into earth and light bleeds into night, I let a little heartbreak at the world push me into my own proverbial bloodletting.
What is there to do? Only rain falling down from the sky
Only me and you fair and plain, Nothing lost and nothing gained
Only the love nothing more, nothing less comes between us
Temperatures rising, my passion is burning inside…
My world in light saving all as one
A love that no one can deny
My one true light, same for everyone
A love we dare you to defy
Only rain
‘The Summer Book’ is easy reading, though surprisingly dark for a book about summer. It is the perfect read for this very moment, for this rainy night. More thunder, ominous and strangely comforting, sounds in the distance. Rain patters on the air conditioner in the window, its gentle cadence the ideal bit of white noise to quiet the voices in my head, or at least to override them. Some things cannot be silenced, so you adjust other sounds around you, shifting perspective, changing prominence – all tricks leading to peace, even if it is a false peace. Anything to get through the night.
“She started thinking about all the euphemisms for death, all the anxious taboos that had always fascinated her. It was too bad you could never have an intelligent discussion on the subject. People were either too young or too old, or else they didn’t have time.” – Tove Jansson
I won’t settle for less, but no regrets
See myself in your own reflection (see myself in your reflection)
Something in your eyes that tells me why
I’m a fool for your warm affection (I’m a fool for your affection)
Only the love, nothing more, nothing less comes between us
Temperature’s rising, My passion is burning inside
My world in light saving all as one
A love that no one can deny
My one true light, same for everyone
A love we dare you to defy
Only rain
Birdsong trills outside – brave birds to be calling in these thunderstruck skies – and I wonder at why they’re singing during such a time. Perhaps they need their spirits lifted too, and a song is all they have to approximate joy on such a dim day. This little song by Erasure called ‘Rain’ sounds cheery and its lyrics are defiantly, ebulliently joyful. Rain and light, at odds and peace, an unlikely partnership that persists in spite of their seemingly-opposite nature. Maybe they need one another to truly embody who they were meant to be, or maybe it’s just a troublesome twosome that will never reconcile, their tension the energy and friction that keeps them moving forward, only and always together. A treacherous trick of the world. Meanwhile, all the sky can manage to do is rain – only rain…
You are my, my one true, my world in light
You are my, my one true, my world in light
My world in light saving all as one
A love that no one can deny
My one true light, same for everyone
A love we dare you to defy
My world in light saving all as one
A love we dare you to defy
Only rain
“It is still summer, but the summer is no longer alive. It has come to a standstill; nothing withers, and fall is not ready to begin. There are no stars yet, just darkness.” ~ Tove Jansson
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