Death Cab for Cutie has inadvertently insisted on inserting its music into our Solid Gold Summer – perhaps slightly at odds with disco or Egypt, but message-wise on perfect, heartrending point, bringing this summer into a rainy, somber focus, stripping the golden gilding off all that seemed to shimmer in the spring, and revealing the hum-drum, mundane make-up of its only-too-basic structure. I’m all for superficial shine when it comes to appearance, but for matters of the heart the idea of gilding is heartbreaking. You can’t capture or coat the heart. You can’t pretend passion. The heart will tug no matter how golden the day turns, no matter how brilliantly the sky shines. And here is a transitory song for the moment at hand, closing out the month of July.
Sometimes I wake at night
And watch the rain fall through the street lights
‘Cause you’re standing still in my mind
Fading out, waving goodbye
And I wonder where you are tonight
If the one you’re with was a compromise
As we’re walking lines in parallel
That will never meet and it’s just as well
A rainy night in summer makes for the ideal backdrop to listen to this song. It speaks to things more succinctly, if mysteriously, than my clumsy prose could ever capture or convey, music winding its way around words and strangling them in such exquisite agony. When it sounds so good, and looks so pretty, you step into the trap willingly, sliding the noose pleasantly around your neck, teasing asphyxiation, daring it to do its damage.
Sometimes I’m overcome
By every choice I couldn’t outrun
The junctions all disappear
You can’t double back to your summer years
And I wonder where you are tonight
If the one you’re with was a compromise
As we’re walking lines in parallel
That will never meet and it’s just as well
I didn’t mean for things to get so dark so soon this summer, but sometimes life takes us where we may not want to go, but absolutely need to be. It’s no longer worth it to fight the currents of the universe, and I’m much happier to let things play out without upending the apple cart entirely. A few apples are sure to be lost, but perhaps they’re just the bad apples – no love lost there.
This is a difficult time of the year for me. Memories of Dad’s last days mingle with summer now – a sad alignment for the supposedly-sunny season, but one that still manages to bring a certain degree of comfort to the hot days. I remember the days of goodbyes, the time with him for those last few weeks, the rare and revelatory moments of clarity and consciousness when the Dad I remembered would only-too-briefly surface and be present for a few seconds. Tomorrow will mark the third anniversary of his leaving. As I finish this post, it’s pouring rain outside, and I do not mind it.
And I wonder where you are tonight
And if the one you’re with was a compromise
As we’re walking lines in parallel
That will never meet and it’s just as well
It’s just as well…
