Hello old friends, if I may call you that, even if that’s never quite what we became. The term ‘friend’ is so broadly used, and it only applies to a select few of you who did in fact deign to incorporate me into your lives in some sort of friendship form. As was so often the case, this is once again me, talking to you, and just like old times you likely don’t even know and perhaps don’t even care, which has always been the way these things have gone. There’s some strange comfort in this space, however, at least in the mental and emotional place I am revisiting with this post, and returning to examine these ghostly hallows reminds me of them, as well as my own questionable behavior, when infatuation and the fever of a dead-on-arrival romance afflicted the simple machinations of going about an average day. A song then, long overdue and perfectly descriptive of my infatuations of all those decades ago…
NOW WHEN YOU SAY YOU WANT TO SLOW DOWN
DOES IT MEAN YOU WANT TO SLOW DANCE?
MAYBE YOU WANT A LITTLE EXTRA TIME TO FOCUS ON OUR ROMANCE
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I GOT IT BACKWARDS? YOU KNOW WE’RE GONNA BE FOREVER
WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME GOODBYE? ARE YOU GONNA STAY THE NIGHT?
This song very much personifies the frantic desperation I once felt and clearly exhibited in my dealings with would-be suitors and sought-afters. Back then, if a reasonably attractive gentleman expressed the slightest bit of interest in me, I would be off and running, heading in an unwavering beeline to the chapel, or at least a first date. And it was always too much, too soon, too everything. I didn’t know how to quell the heart’s riotous cries, and part of me still doesn’t regret expressing exactly how I felt in the moment. Why are we so ashamed to admit to the possibility of romance? Why is the keen focused interest of another person so repellant and off-putting? I’m asking myself as much as you, because once that focus sized me up, I often lost interest too. The foolish fickleness of human beings – make it make sense to me now; it never made sense to me then.
ARE WE REALLY OVER NOW?
MAYBE I CAN CHANGE YOUR MIND…
SOON AS YOU WALK OUT MY DOOR
I’M GONNA CALL A HUNDRED TIMES…
In those days, and in my defense, there was often the slightest spark of an invitation, the whispered wisp of flirtation, the brief pause of a hand on a shoulder or arm, and the faintest hint or notion of interest ~ something to capture my attention ~ because it did take more than a pretty face to gain my sustained interest. Not very much more, but a bit. I didn’t just fall for you because you were cute – I was crazy, but not that level of crazy.
NOW I WALK UNDER A PINK SKY
LOVE HAS FLOWN ALONG AND PASSED ME BY
I POUR MY HEART OUT TO YOUR VOICEMAIL
LET YOU KNOW I CAUGHT A BUS TO YOUR SIDE OF TOWN
AND NOW I’M STANDING AT YOUR DOORSTEP WITH LOS ANGELES BEHIND ME
IF YOU DON’T ANSWER I’LL JUST USE THE KEY THAT I COPIED CAUSE I REALLY NEED TO SEE YOU
Still, my level of crazy was certainly beyond that of most people, and I don’t use crazy in a derogatory manner. For me, being crazy was just another way of saying I was lonely, and I make no judgment or condemnation of either. My behavior, on the other hand, I do slightly regret, if only because it gave a skewed view of my intentions, and a warped take on what mostly counted to crushes and infatuations.
IF YOU’RE NOT HERE WHEN I BREAK IN
I’M GONNA GO TO YOUR CLOSET JUST SO I CAN SMELL YOUR SKIN
AS THE CHEMICALS SWIM I KNOW I’LL NEVER LOVE AGAIN
I SWEAR I’LL NEVER LOVE AGAIN
BABY ARE WE OVER NOW? MAYBE I CAN CHANGE YOUR MIND…
AS SOON AS YOU WALK OUT MY DOOR I’M GONNA CALL A HUNDRED TIMES
Maybe I’m a bit too defensive on that point, and maybe that betrays something I’m not quite ready to admit, even all these years later, even after all this time apart. At its core, it always came down to one terrifying question: was I really that unlovable? If only it had only been possible paramours that made me ask such a question. If only the romantic landscape was the sole place such doubt and uncertainty resided. I could contain it then, I could compartmentalize it, I could pretend it wasn’t me. I could act like I wasn’t crazy.
I’M NOT ONE OF THOSE CRAZY GIRLS
I’M NOT ONE OF THOSE CRAZY GIRLS
I’M NOT ONE OF THOSE CRAZY GIRLS
I’M NOT ONE OF THOSE CRAZY GIRLS
I know I came on strong. A fervent belief in the possibility of us – as a couple, as an entity – was just in my nature. I always knew it could work, because I knew I could make it work. It’s what Virgos do – we work, and we work hard, until we get it right. But a relationship – any relationship – requires two people, and I was a fool to think I could overpower or overwhelm that.
At the end of every never-to-be-but-still-hoped-for romance, I was left a little darker, a little sadder, a little harder, and a little less of the possible person I could see myself becoming by your side.
HEY BABY, ARE WE OVER NOW? MAYBE I CAN CHANGE YOUR MIND…
AS SOON AS YOU WALK OUT MY DOOR I’M GONNA CALL A HUNDRED TIMES
When I look at some of you today, and the people you have become, I’ve mostly dodged bullets, and some likely horrible situations, and it’s in no way indicative of anything negative or wrong in you – we simply wouldn’t have been suitable together. It’s a testament to your sensibility that you saw it so much earlier. I see it now, and I’m grateful, and I never even wonder about what if, because the hole that was once there has been built around – not filled, because such holes can never be filled when they were empty in your past, and not erased either, because unlike a scientific understanding of emptiness, the feeling of emptiness is a very real and present predicament, and the space where it once pronounced itself, where it once made itself known and felt, will always be there. And I wouldn’t want it to go anywhere; I’m glad it’s there, glad that pangs of hurt still gently reverberate and echo to this day because they’re a reminder of how tender the human heart can be at such a young age, and how thrillingly the promise of possible romance teased such a heart.
NOW I’M ONE OF THOSE CRAZY GIRLS
NOW I’M ONE OF THOSE CRAZY GIRLS
NOW I’M ONE OF THOSE CRAZY GIRLS
NOW I’M ONE OF THOSE CRAZY GIRLS
