Alan Ilagan

Perhaps you enjoy chasing squirrels,

there is great pleasure in the quest of the unattainable.

You and I know that wonder is the secret of bliss

and that with reason comes the death of the beautiful.

-          Okakura Kakuzo, in a letter to Isabella Stewart Gardner

shade ~  6. The soul after its separation from the body; — so called because the ancients it to be perceptible to the sight, though not to the touch; a spirit; a ghost; as, the shades of departed heroes.

7. The darker portion of a picture; a less illuminated part.

9. A minute difference or variation, as of thought, belief, expression, etc.; also, the quality or degree of anything which is distinguished from others similar by slight differences; as, the shades of meaning in synonyms.

   Webster’s Revised Unabridged Dictionary, © 1996, 1998 MICRA, Inc.

For some reason, Fall is the season in which I am most creatively fertile. Whether that’s in the genesis, release, or actual creation of a Project, Fall is when it most often happens. I feel re-energized after a summer of debilitating heat and humidity, renewed after the lazy ennui of easy-going summer habits, and ready to strike out in new directions.

The Fall of 2004 saw the release of shades of gray – a written project of short vignettes, moments really, captured on paper and collected under the loose theme of shades and squirrels. (Somehow, it came together.) It will be posted it in The Projects section of this website, so if you have a moment take a look and have a leisurely read. The photos here were part of the promotional blitz that accompanied the release.

On October 16, 2004 the Official Release party was held at our home.(I wore Andy’s gray three-piece suit, sans dress shirt – or any shirt for that matter. Yes, the look veered a little too far into Chippendales territory, but live and learn.) The party featured several Autumn recipes that I’ll include here as well:

Wild Buttery Squirrel Cocktail

-          1 oz. vodka

-          1 oz. Amaretto

-          1 oz. Butterscotch schnapps

Garlic Cheddar Sausage Balls

-          1 pound sausage (hot or mild) (Room temperature)

-          16 oz. grated sharp or extra sharp cheddar cheese

-          2 ½ cups biscuit mix (Less for moist balls)

-          3 cloves garlic, mashed

-          1 teaspoon  Italian seasoning

-          Dash of Worcestershire sauce

Combine garlic, cheese, sausage and biscuit mix in a large bowl (mixer). Mix until thoroughly combined. Add Italian seasonings and Worcestershire sauce and mix well.

Shape into small balls and place on ungreased cooking sheet. At this point, the Balls can be immediately baked or frozen.

To freeze, place baking sheet in the freezer for at least one hour. Write baking directions with a permanent marker on a zip top freezer bag and place the frozen balls in the bag and return to the freezer. When you’re ready to bake a few, simple remove the amount you need from the bag and cook on an ungreased baking sheet; no need to thaw first.

To bake, preheat oven to 350 degrees. Place balls on an ungreased baking sheet. Bake for 10 to 12 minutes or until lightly browned. Remove from the baking sheet and place on paper-towel lined tray.

 Butternut Squash Soup

-          3 cups peeled, seeded and coarsely chopped butternut squash

-          ½ cup finely chopped celery

-          ½ cup peeled and finely chopped apples

-          1 cup peeled and coarsely chopped potatoes

-          ½ cup coarsely chopped onions

-          1 clove garlic, mashed

-          ½ cup coarsely chopped carrots

-          ¼ teaspoon dried oregano

-          ½ teaspoon dried rosemary

-          5 cups chicken stock

-          ¼ cup heavy cream

Combine all the ingredients except the cream in large saucepan. Simmer over medium heat for 30 minutes, stirring occasionally to keep form scorching, until vegetables are soft. Puree the mixture in a food processor until very smooth. Return to pot and stir in cream over medium heat until heated thoroughly. Do not allow to boil. Correct the seasoning with salt and pepper if necessary.

As for the project, you can make your own determination on what it all means here. Below are a couple of excerpts.

Preface:

           My greatest fault as a writer is that I do not like people. Most great writers bear a genuine affection and fondness for humanity, and I simply do not share it. People, for the most part, are upsetting and bothersome. They are an annoyance, a pesky part of life better left alone. There is so much ignorance and brutality and hatred in us, I am beyond caring. It is the death knell for a decent writer, and certainly any decent artist.

           We are supposed to care so much that we have an insatiable need to make others care too, through our work and our sharing of it. But I have little faith in people, and to be a writer means having to embrace such humanity, no matter how cruel, ugly or unfair it may be. I am not sure if I am capable of that. In some small way, this collection of writing is to see whether I am.

The Squirrel Story

I am rushing to get something while on a fifteen-minute break from work. The day is gray and my car is dirty. Turning right onto Route 9W, I can see there is a hold-up ahead. The cars are swerving around something in the road – a broken bottle, a pot-hole, some bit of wreckage I imagine, and then I see a squirrel there. Slowing, I can make out that the back half of the animal is flattened. Someone had run him over, only his head and front two feet and upper body were still intact, still alive. It is grotesque and cartoonish. There is panic in his jittery movements. He hops forward and to the side, but the rest of his body won’t follow. He tries so hard to get out of the road as cars rush by.

I realize too late that I should run him over. There is no time to process this. I swerve at the last moment, hoping to crush his skull and brain. I don’t think I hit him. I am down the road in front of other cars. There is no way to put the car in reverse and back over the squirrel. I hope someone will see the animal and run it over, end the misery. The helplessness is terrifying and I begin to cry.

Why am I crying?

Dead squirrels are everywhere, their red and gray carcasses line the roads, mounds of dusty, flattened fur dot the streets. Their stomachs have been ripped open, innards splattered and organs trampled beneath blind tires. The blood has turned dark, drying on a hot day or trickling away in a storm. Sometimes their heads are intact, with eyes squinting as though in pain or fitful sleep, or stunned and wide, the pressure of a car or truck bulging them open. We think nothing of it. The world is cruel that way.

This squirrel was struggling to get out of the road, to drag its useless body somewhere else, driven by survival or hope, and who can tell which.

On my way back the squirrel is gone.

shades of gray will have its online premiere on October 13 in The Projects section.