A Not-So-Nice Note to a Neighbor


{Disclaimer: This is not to our dear friends Katey and Dick, who are on the other side of our house – they are a dream to have as neighbors. This is for the other neighbors.}

Dear Neighbors:

You know me. You know that I work during the week. You know that the weekend is really the only time I get to enjoy the backyard and the pool. Being that you’re both retired, you can see that from Monday through Friday, from 7 AM until 5 PM, I’m not around. That is ample time to do whatever noisy clean-up or nonsense you want to do. So it’s a puzzle to me why, on this past Saturday, exactly two minutes after I sat down on the patio to continue reading ‘The Sense of an Ending’ by Julian Barnes, you chose to start power-washing your entire backyard.

Did you deliberately wait for this moment to start making noise?

Did you store up this special day of power-washing for the one day I simply wanted to sit outside and read?

And why oh why oh why did it take you from 11 AM until 7:45 PM to do this? You have a pool deck and a 10′ x 12′ patch of horrendous blue astro turf. (I know this because after the third hour of noise I went into the attic to see what the fuck was going on – our attic room happens to overlook your backyard. Side-note: your granddaughter should NEVER wear a bikini – and I only criticize her here because she was such an obnoxious, disrespectful douche).

Seriously, why did it take you so long to do it all? I’ll come over and power-wash it in fifteen fucking minutes.

But I suppose everyone has their own way of doing things, and if you’re so fucking annoying as to have to power-wash on the weekend, so be it. What I can’t fathom is why, while all this noise is going on (noise to which I had finally, after a few hours, reconciled myself) your family has to try to talk to each other over it all – sorry, not talk, SCREAM AND SHOUT TO BE FUCKING HEARD OVER THE INSANE POWER-WASHER. How on earth are you not annoyed with yourselves?!

As luck would have it, our own noise-pollution was timed perfectly, as a tree removal service Andy scheduled a week ago arrived to saw a big dead pine tree down and grind the stump into oblivion. I listened with glee to the noise they were making as you settled into your own outside dinner. I thought I had the final bit of revenge. And when it was over, you started power-fucking-washing again at quarter to eight. You miserable fucks. I hope you like Madonna’s ‘Gang Bang’ – because you’re gonna hear it loud and clear at about 2 AM.


The mean one

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